Little update, some good and some bad...advice needed asap.

[Saz]

Hiya everyone. 

Had therapy yesterday and been doing ok. Ive noticed that while I may still be struggling in the false memory area i have in fact improved in some other areas of my life. Im having a break from therapy now but getting back into it come September. 

However i really need some help and advice. I dont want to say ive done something stupid because I know plenty of people do it, im more embarrassed to write this down on here incase you think bad of me. Without going into too much detail me and my partner are not intimate at all and haven't been for a while, its a combination of things but mainly because its like musical beds in this house and we rarely get anytime together... Although i do think my partner has gone off me and i have my reasons for that.  You can probably guess what I've done...feel so cringey saying this... But i thought i would watch something of an adult  nature in private (cant even say it im pathetic) on a well known site. How awful, in a relationship and being a mum, feel disgusted actually now im writing this down. Being completely honest its not the first time ive ever done this. However this time when i clicked on there was various clips before the actual video and I honestly believe one of the clips had to be illegal in regards to age. I immediately clicked off it but then wa so worried and felt sick that i looked at ot to try and work out if i could 100% tell if it was a minor. Im almost sure it was. This then led me to google if this site is definitely legal and if all content is legal and i googled that I think I saw something illegal. I feel like I should report this one because the person seemed under age and two because I'm going to get in serious trouble. Almost feel like texting my partner but he is going to think bad of me.. What should i do? I didnt expect this, i just felt a bit frustrated i guess and forget what its like almost to be with someone. Not an excuse i know. 

 

[Binxy]

I'm probably going to get told off here for reassurance but I'll try to respond without giving it..

First of all- looking at adult sites is completely normal. There is not need to feel disgusted or that because you are in a relationship or are a mum. I get the same feeling when ever I look at this sort of stuff but I assure you- what you are doing is normal and healthy.

Re: illegal content- This is something that worries me whenever I look at stuff on the internet. I feel the need to go back and check, to google that the site is reputable. I then get the need to check again to be sure... can you see where this is going? Compulsion driven by anxiety.... OCD response.

Can you see the safety/reassurance seeking in what you're considering doing- ringing your feller for example?

What advice do you think your therapist would give you?

[Saz]

45 minutes ago, Binxy said:

I'm probably going to get told off here for reassurance but I'll try to respond without giving it..

First of all- looking at adult sites is completely normal. There is not need to feel disgusted or that because you are in a relationship or are a mum. I get the same feeling when ever I look at this sort of stuff but I assure you- what you are doing is normal and healthy.

Re: illegal content- This is something that worries me whenever I look at stuff on the internet. I feel the need to go back and check, to google that the site is reputable. I then get the need to check again to be sure... can you see where this is going? Compulsion driven by anxiety.... OCD response.

Can you see the safety/reassurance seeking in what you're considering doing- ringing your feller for example?

What advice do you think your therapist would give you?

Thanks binx, 

That means a lot. I don't mean it to come across as I think looking at adult material is disgusting, it's more i feel  disgusting in myself. I don't think i should look at it being in a relationship. That being said i know for a fact my partner hasbin the past and it doesnt bother me at all. However my main concern is that clip i seen... Do I report it? Do I leave it? Surely they must verify the clips and videos? I have no idea how it works.  I cant be sure of what I seen but feel confident the person looked underage due to a number of factors even though I could not see the face. I cant even believe im writing this. Something was telling me not to look at anything in the first place. I feel rotten binx x

Edited July 5, 2018 by Saz

[Binxy]

36 minutes ago, Saz said:

Do I report it? Do I leave it? Surely they must verify the clips and videos? I have no idea how it works.  I cant be sure of what I seen but feel confident the person looked underage due to a number of factors even though I could not see the face. I cant even believe im writing this. Something was telling me not to look at anything in the first place

In this case I would just walk away and leave it alone. No doubt you have probably considered watching the clip again to see if the persons does seem underage (that's what I would have considered- classic OCD response). The chances are that it's nothing illegal- remember there is the whole "teen" porn thing for folks that like younger looking women in school gear etc. the girls are of legal age but still look very young. You say you didn't even see the face- the evidence you are working with is pretty ropy if that's the case(this is reassurance... I won't give you any more). This sort of flimsy evidence will get blown up if you let your OCD run away with it.

You've done nothing wrong. Let it lie, walk away, get on with your day.

[Saz]

8 hours ago, Binxy said:

In this case I would just walk away and leave it alone. No doubt you have probably considered watching the clip again to see if the persons does seem underage (that's what I would have considered- classic OCD response). The chances are that it's nothing illegal- remember there is the whole "teen" porn thing for folks that like younger looking women in school gear etc. the girls are of legal age but still look very young. You say you didn't even see the face- the evidence you are working with is pretty ropy if that's the case(this is reassurance... I won't give you any more). This sort of flimsy evidence will get blown up if you let your OCD run away with it.

You've done nothing wrong. Let it lie, walk away, get on with your day.

I can't seem to move on from this binx. I feel so embarrassed that I wrote this on here but i tried to be open and honest. I worry now of what you all think of me. 

[Lynz]

Saz you're worrying over nothing. Like Binxy said there's nothing wrong with watching porn and many folks do it, even those who are in healthy relationships. Don't give this issue any more attention as it isn't necessary.

[gingerbreadgirl]

I agree, don't spend any more time thinking about this, you've done absolutely nothing wrong - make an agreement with yourself to draw a line under it and no more ruminating x

[Saz]

14 minutes ago, Lynz said:

Saz you're worrying over nothing. Like Binxy said there's nothing wrong with watching porn and many folks do it, even those who are in healthy relationships. Don't give this issue any more attention as it isn't necessary.

Thanks lynz, means a lot. Its not something I do on a regular basis at all. Feel like ive let myself down though on top of the fact I think i seen something wrong....what a mess as usual x

[Saz]

Just now, gingerbreadgirl said:

I agree, don't spend any more time thinking about this, you've done absolutely nothing wrong - make an agreement with yourself to draw a line under it and no more ruminating x

Thanks gbg. x

Just do feel worried about the very short clip. Never watching anything of that nature again incase i see something terrible :(when i read up on it i believe people can be tricked or unknowingly view something that is illegal

[gingerbreadgirl]

no ruminating Saz - make a deal with yourself!

[PolarBear]

Look at what happened. You got an intrusive thought that you saw something illegal. You checked it to see if it was true. That was compulsion number one. Then you Googled the site to see if it was legit. Compulsion number two. Then you Googled about illegal content. Number three. All those did was wind you up so you slipped into compulsion number four, ruminating. That didn't help so you decided to seek reassurance, compulsion number five, on here.

And that's what happened. You made the whole thing so much worse than it needed to be.

Edited July 5, 2018 by PolarBear

[Binxy]

Saz,

Your post on here has had zero effect on my opinion of you (and I'm fairly sure this is the same for everyone else). Time to let go of this.

Binx

Edited July 6, 2018 by Binxy