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I’m at the edge of the world, there’s no one like me and I don’t know what’s wrong with me.


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I’ve been having thoughts related to my body for over a year now and I’ve gotten so worse it’s resulted in my staying inside for months, my girlfriend just slept with my best friend, it’s all my fault, this wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t like this. I hate myself to the point I want to commit suicide. Every single day, hour and every minute it’s one thing after another, I can’t even explain the thoughts I get properly because it’s so complicated. If I even try to explain myself in real life I stutter and make no sense. I get thoughts like thinking my foot has changed because I’ve touched a carpet or something silly like that, thinking my shoulder blades will change because I’m sitting “incorrectly” I can usually get through these thoughts but the ones what crush methe most is I always end up getting a thought like I’ve smashed my elbow on the table at a pub which has made it deformed... or I’ve smashed my hands on my computer table and they have gotten bigger... I can’t even remember if I’ve done it or not. Ive been inside for a long time for thinking it’s not normal for my lower molar teeth to not touch... I keep thinking they should touch the roof of my mouth and I can feel that being normal but then wouldn’t it be really hard to chew? It’s why I’ve been sitting inside because of that! The only thing I can remember,is smashing my jaw and it’s resulted in my teeth touching each other.... I seriously don’t know. It’s my hands, feet, ears, anything. False memories, magical thinking I don’t know if it real or not.

I’ve been told I’ve got body dystrophia and a rare form of ocd magical thinking but these thoughts feel so real now a days I can’t even remember all the thoughts I’ve had in the last, everything feels new and real. It feels like I don’t have a problem with me. I’ve turned down help twice but I’m finally gunna just go for it because what if there is something wrong with me but I’m so deluded to think otherwise? ? I’m so upset right now I don’t know how to cope... if I get over this thought about my hands been made bigger I’ve still got to get over my teeth thing... I’ve made myself stuck. I used to always deal with these thoughts and just get on with my day but now they make me want to actually die and I can’t go outside, I’ve put weight on I’ve lost my girlfriend. Why has god or whatever formed me made me like this? Why does it have to be me? Why can’t I have thoughts about something else rather than my body? I feel like I could deal with something else like thoughts about being a pedo for example I don’t know this just feels like a lot to deal with it especially since it’s always on my mind and I’m always self aware of it. I’m seriously f ing beyond it all I don’t even know if help will work because it feels like I know it all and I’ve figured out the end game... I’ve gone to the hospital before because I couldn’t take it but even that feels like it didn’t happen and I’m questioning  if it did or not... what is wrong with me

im sorry I just typed it all off the top of my head 

 

 

Edited by Rexx
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32 minutes ago, Skullpops said:

Hi Rexx,

Sorry you are having such a tough time. 

Before anything else...are you safe and do you have support? 

Hello I’m safe but I’m lonely. I keep getting these brief moments of wanting to cry but I stop myself I’m trying hard to be strong but I’m not strong enough

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5 minutes ago, Rexx said:

Hello I’m safe but I’m lonely. I keep getting these brief moments of wanting to cry but I stop myself I’m trying hard to be strong but I’m not strong enough

Do you have any friends/family nearby who you could call on to keep you company? 

You have reached out for help, I reckon that's really strong! 

It's ok to cry, but please do call on a loved one to sit with you whilst you're so distressed. 

If that fails there are plenty of people here on the forum who will support you, not quite the same I know. 

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10 minutes ago, Skullpops said:

Do you have any friends/family nearby who you could call on to keep you company? 

You have reached out for help, I reckon that's really strong! 

It's ok to cry, but please do call on a loved one to sit with you whilst you're so distressed. 

If that fails there are plenty of people here on the forum who will support you, not quite the same I know. 

I’m keeping it all in at the minute i don’t even know how... I think for the first time yesterday I opened up to my dad and  told him I think I need help, I tried to ramble about my thoughts to him, I always thought he would think of me as a weak person or he would brush it off saying I need to get a life as he usually is that type of person but I think he realises there’s something up with me... he encouraged me to get help, accept medication if I get offered it which I was surprised he would say. He said I shouldn’t be ashamed of admitting I need help because I’d let my family down.

i get emotional thinking about how alright he was about it... I’ve been so emotional recently, anything triggers me to try and cry.. I hate it

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9 minutes ago, Rexx said:

I’m keeping it all in at the minute i don’t even know how... I think for the first time yesterday I opened up to my dad and  told him I think I need help, I tried to ramble about my thoughts to him, I always thought he would think of me as a weak person or he would brush it off saying I need to get a life as he usually is that type of person but I think he realises there’s something up with me... he encouraged me to get help, accept medication if I get offered it which I was surprised he would say. He said I shouldn’t be ashamed of admitting I need help because I’d let my family down.

i get emotional thinking about how alright he was about it... I’ve been so emotional recently, anything triggers me to try and cry.. I hate it

That's great that you were able to open up to your Dad and that his reaction was supportive. 

He's right that you shouldn't be ashamed. 

Being very emotional and tearful is understandable given how you're feeling. When I was at my most unwell I cried constantly, literally constantly. 

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27 minutes ago, Skullpops said:

That's great that you were able to open up to your Dad and that his reaction was supportive. 

He's right that you shouldn't be ashamed. 

Being very emotional and tearful is understandable given how you're feeling. When I was at my most unwell I cried constantly, literally constantly. 

It is really sucky isn’t it? I hate it so much. Dealing with multiple thoughts at once is also overwhelming too. 

No matter what I’m doing at the time, talking to someone, doing an activity, playing games or watching videos. I will be attacked by my own head. I just wish I could enjoy a few things for a while... just to be free for a little bit, I haven’t felt like that for so long I’ve forgotten what it feels like. I actually remember a few months ago I was doing so good one day I let out a genuine laugh and I felt.. happy and then straight away my brain felt weird like i wasn’t supposed to be feeling like that... then a few days later whole turn out to be my biggest fail and it’s why I’m here now ?

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Yes, it's truly a horrible experience. I'm still not 100% better but I'm able to look after myself now which I couldn't do before. 

I understand what you describe about being attacked by your head no matter what you're doing. I was that way a long time. I cried with happiness the first time I was able to watch something on tv in months and actually being able to concentrate on it and follow what was happening. 

I know it doesn't feel like it right now but it can and does get better. It's alright if you don't believe that, I didn't either when I was at my worst. Please look after yourself until you do believe it though. 

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So today I somehow managed to force myself to get dressed, get a haircut and go out with my friend during the night. I have no clue how or why I suddenly decided to do this, it took so much energy. Even though I’ve had a ok day, I still feel really upset and extremely distressed. I woke up in the morning, I got so many thoughts all at once, then this one thought popped up about how a piece of hair n my ear could change the shape of it... I just caved in after that and decided to force myself out. I wish I could’ve just had a little bit of enjoyment though as whilst I was visiting my grandma I was sat downstairs and had this thought about making my waist bigger... I don’t even know. I keep thinking I went upstairs into the bathroom and punched my hips in and made them bigger, but wouldn’t they have been bruised? Why would I do that? Wouldn’t I stop because of the pain? It probably takes considerable force to change hip bone shape right? What did I do? All I can remember is just going on p to the bathroom to fix my hair then I came straight back down.. but it feels like I did what I described.. I don’t even know, even when I force myself to the max I still punish myself. Why a, I doing this? I never used to be so bad... I need help right? Maybe I’m not trying hard enough?

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So today I got another thought about my hands... I got over it after like 6 hours... I forced myself to go out again, I tried hard  to have a clear head and to see if I could be free for just one night... didn’t happen. I got intoxicated and had this thought I somehow damaged my heel and that a normal heel would stick out so far at the back instead of a little bit which is normal. I was looking at everybody’s feet thinking why aren’t their heels sticking out enough.. I then started to think my feet were special if they ever did stick out really far... like it was some unique trait what everyone loved.. I don’t even bloody know anymore this is insane

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4 minutes ago, Skullpops said:

Hello again

Really struggling myself so probably not best placed to offer advice. 

Youre stronger than you think and braver than you believe. ❤️

I’m honestly lost for words.. I try so hard 

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1 minute ago, Rexx said:

I’m honestly lost for words.. I try so hard 

I know you do. And one day..one day all your hard work is going to pay off.

Edited by Skullpops
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2 minutes ago, Skullpops said:

I know you do. And one day..one day all your hard work is going to pay off.

I’m supposed to receive a call tomorrow to meet a pshychiatrist but is it even worth it? I’ve turned down help twice. I’m scared nothing will work... surely them telling me about how to deal with my thoughts with various techniques... can’t work? I still have to put the effort in but when I do it’s mever good enoug!!!!! I wish there was a cure for this

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4 minutes ago, Rexx said:

I’m supposed to receive a call tomorrow to meet a pshychiatrist but is it even worth it? I’ve turned down help twice. I’m scared nothing will work... surely them telling me about how to deal with my thoughts with various techniques... can’t work? I still have to put the effort in but when I do it’s mever good enoug!!!!! I wish there was a cure for this

It's worth it. Thinking it's not worth it is the depression talking. What would you advise me to do if it was the other way around? 

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13 minutes ago, Skullpops said:

It's worth it. Thinking it's not worth it is the depression talking. What would you advise me to do if it was the other way around? 

No matter how much I try it’s like the past days, weeks or months don’t mean anything... even just the past few days feel worthless and non existent, it’s almost like I never went through all these hideous fantasies when it’s right there in front of me to read. 

I would tell you it’s worth it too... but then I don’t know what I’d be telling you what’s worth fighting for? Now I think I’m fine.. what if I don’t have ocd

Edited by Rexx
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Just woke up. I have the energy to actually type what I wanted to yesterday. I was getting dressed to go outside and whilst I was putting my jeans on I had a mental compulsion to check the tag on the back of the pants even though I knew it was a tag I thought it needed to be checked again... so I did... but I regretted it straight away. I let this beat me up for hours and I then started to think I stretched my groin and it’s become lower as the jeans I wear have a low crotch and I couldn’t stop thinking about how the crotch didn’t feel right... now I can’t remmeber if I did or not... I just do it to musrlf

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Been an okay couple of days. Got a thought that I smashed my heels on the bathtub and they have somehow become disfigured .... it feels like I'm drowning again.. these thoughts why...

Edited by Rexx
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  • 4 weeks later...

Haven't posted in a while because I feel like it's a compulsion of some sort... been a really bad week (can't even remember exactly how many days) mainly because I'm staying inside. Had a thought about making my wrists bigger, I tried hard to push on but then I got a thought about my arms being too long then pretty much instantly thought I had made them smaller... now I'm stuck and feel like ****

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Stuck in limbo... I keep doing this to myself over and over and over. I can’t even play a video game for more than 30 minutes because my mind is too occupied on stupid ****. And every time I retry I mess it all up again, even when there’s absolutely no reason for me to mess up, I mess up. I make a big fuss out of everything. I know exactly what’s going on but all I can do is just lay here and deal with it like I do all day long. 

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Rexx, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through it. It sounds like you've got a lot going on. Let me say this, in a gentle way, one way forward might be to try to stop thinking about yourself as 'special', as per your thread title, 'there's no one else like me'. It's true, but there's no one else like me - or anyone else. You've just got - it seems - bad BDD. Hope you can start to make incremental inroads toward recovery. And as for venting, this forum's always here. Take care, wishing you the best. 

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6 hours ago, paradoxer said:

Rexx, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through it. It sounds like you've got a lot going on. Let me say this, in a gentle way, one way forward might be to try to stop thinking about yourself as 'special', as per your thread title, 'there's no one else like me'. It's true, but there's no one else like me - or anyone else. You've just got - it seems - bad BDD. Hope you can start to make incremental inroads toward recovery. And as for venting, this forum's always here. Take care, wishing you the best. 

I struggle more with accepting I have a problem and that these thoughts ARE normal for the time being. I struggle with just not caring because I care so much...

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Just do this to myself always confused never knowing if I did anything or not... If I say I didn’t do anything... I’ll tell myself I did... then it’s a battle between myself I basically just do it to myself and it sucks 

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If I could be different I would, I hate living like this. But I think a part of me deep down likes to drag this on or the sake of it.. I don’t even realise how ****** I am. No matter how much I think I have this thing nailed down.... I don’t. I never win

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