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OK so stemming from previous issues with my friend and neighbour.. I will give some  background info before I ask the question.. 

Few months ago, my neighbour and I became pretty close friends, hanging out a lot and whilst just friends and nothing more I began to really take a shine to her. This happened during a time of absolute stress after my Nan passed away and OCD was firing on all cylinders. I began to think about her a lot, and started to worry that it was a crush or worse that I'd fallen for her. I didn't want any of those to be the case because she's way too young, not even my type and I would never want to put her through my OCD bad periods because she is super sensitive. I made myself very, very ill with OCD trying to fight these feelings because I didn't want to scare her, however in the end I gave up and just accepted the fact that I did love her a little bit. Then my mind felt calmer for a short period. 

We used to talk about dating experiences until one day she had a massive fall out with me because I was asking her every time she was going out, if she was going on a date. She said she felt like I was trying to control her and made her feel that she couldn't go on dates if she wanted to. I admit I did ask a lot because at the time I didn't want her to meet someone, purely because I was scared of losing the bond we'd built over the last few months. Clingy or what? 

Anyway, I managed this for about a week until I got drunk at a party and lost control of my mind causing me to again ask her if she was planning on pulling someone, why? Because I just didn't wanna see it. We fell out again, she didn't speak to me for 2 weeks until recently and now it's almost like back to normal. I've also realized that what I feel is not love but emotional attachment

 

So my problem now is,  whilst I know that we wouldn't be right for each other even if she did like me, and the idea of sleeping with her does not compute in the way that it does with other girls I like, I still have the idea in my head that she's seeing someone. It's like I need to know for certain.. I can't ask her because she'll flip again, so I've been trying to find out by checking. The guy in question, she's actually told me before that she isn't interested in him anymore however she saw me with him the other day and asked what we had been doing together (we're not even mates it was a chance meeting in the street) but I see this guy a lot in the village and sometimes I feel like I need to know if she's changed her mind on him, so one time I got the intrusive thoughts that they're together I purposely rode past the cafe he drinks in to see if they were together. Last night I was out with her and when she said she was going to bed I had the urge to walk to the front door because I wanted to check she was going home, and then when she did go inside, I saw the porch light come back on a few minutes later and got the idea it was this guy turning up - so I opened my front door to check and it wasn't. she was just hanging washing out. 

Now I'd never follow her or anything like this, I do not want to stress her out or anything, however my OCD is telling me I'm stalking her, yet I looked this up and although what I'm doing creeps me out, none of it falls under the "stalker" definition. So I'm thinking, is this irrational 'need to check if she's with someone' a compulsion? Because it's not even like I want her as girlfriend for the reasons I've already explained, but I cannot control the compulsions to check.. 

 

just wondered if I could have some insight on this?

 

thanks guys 

 

 

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11 hours ago, Atlantis said:

just wondered if I could have some insight on this?

I might be as much use a a flip-flop in the Arctic Atlantis (too much sun) but I'd say whether it's a checking compulsion or not, ultimately you know deep down you need to work at stopping it. 

Strong bonds are always going to be formed when we're at our lowest and someone steps up to help us...she was there for you when you needed help the most when you lost your nan, so it's understandable you may feel more for her than you would in a regular friendship...but these are hazy lines you're dealing with here.

Can I be very honest? My worry's that if you keep going down this road you're taking the very real risk she'll not only end the friendship with you (the bond will be broken anyway), worse, she may not necessarily see this as an OCD issue, she may actually view it as something else and you could find yourself in a bit of trouble.

Ultimately, I know it's going to be hard going...but you've got to stop questioning and checking up on her, when the urge strikes maybe you could use the 10 minute rule.....postpone asking and postpone again, until the urge has fizzled away.

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well yes I get your point, I managed to control it as in when I've found myself acting like that I've stopped it, resisted the urge to check finally.. as I said, stalkers do what they do to stress or intimidate their subject whereas I don't, it's almost like I just hated the uncertainty and wanted black and white. But I am repeating a mantra that it doesn't matter who she's with or not with because I'd be a rubbish boyfriend anyway. When I do this, I can control the urges to check. 

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