ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 (edited) Hi all, My ocd has become so bad that I'm back living with my parents and can't be on my own unless I'm locked in my room due to the frequency and severity of the thoughts. I can't be downstairs on my own at all. I've had 6 sessions with a therapist but despite doing my ERP homework and working really hard, I'm not seeing any improvement. I'm exhausted, severely depressed and feel suicidal. My parents can't cope and we're still waiting on NHS help. I can't bear being alive anymore and feel so hopeless and terrified that I'm always going to be like this. My life is constant hell, it's incessant and I have no respite from the thoughts. I can't take anymore. I just want to die. We're looking at getting a new therapist but where I live there are few and far between, especially those with expertise in ocd. I'm at the end now. How can I get through these dark days? I can't be hospitalised as I'm too scared to be around other people. I feel so alone. Thanks for your help and support xx Edited July 8, 2018 by ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime Link to comment
Rexx Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 This brought tears to my eyes, I’m exactly like how you feel right now. I really understand you xx i think we can make it out alive if we make it through the night.. be strong Link to comment
Skullpops Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 Hey guys, I'm struggling too. Don't think I'm much help but here for you both! Link to comment
ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime Posted July 8, 2018 Author Share Posted July 8, 2018 Hi Rexx, Thanks for your reply and your support. I'm really sorry that you're suffering too. I'm not strong any more. The ocd is too powerful and over the past 20 years it's given me too many beatings. It's broken me and I don't think that I can fight back anymore. I go to sleep at night praying that i won't wake up in the morning. I truly and sincerely hope that you can fight your ocd and get better. We just have to take it one day at a time. Sending you hugs xxx Link to comment
ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime Posted July 8, 2018 Author Share Posted July 8, 2018 Thank you, Skullpops. I really appreciate your message, and I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling too. You writing your message to me is a huge help in itself - it makes me feel less alone, so thank you for that. I hope your burden lightens soon xxx Link to comment
Rexx Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 2 minutes ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said: Hi Rexx, Thanks for your reply and your support. I'm really sorry that you're suffering too. I'm not strong any more. The ocd is too powerful and over the past 20 years it's given me too many beatings. It's broken me and I don't think that I can fight back anymore. I go to sleep at night praying that i won't wake up in the morning. I truly and sincerely hope that you can fight your ocd and get better. We just have to take it one day at a time. Sending you hugs xxx Sending hugs too... I don’t think I could cope with this for more years to come. Link to comment
Skullpops Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 4 minutes ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said: Thank you, Skullpops. I really appreciate your message, and I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling too. You writing your message to me is a huge help in itself - it makes me feel less alone, so thank you for that. I hope your burden lightens soon xxx You're never alone. Not ever xx Link to comment
ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime Posted July 8, 2018 Author Share Posted July 8, 2018 @Rexx Ive had it for 20 years. Numerous severe breakdowns which have taken months to recover from each time. It's taking longer each time to recover from as well, rather than easier. I guess it's getting older and more tired and disillusioned with life. I'm 35 and don't see myself getting to 40. This is my 7th major breakdown since diagnosis and it's just getting harder and harder to get the ocd under control each time. @Skullpops Thank you. That really means a lot during this dark time. Nobody in my life really understands what I'm going through, so I'm really glad that I've found this forum. Sending many hugs to both of you xxx Link to comment
Guest OCDhavenobrain Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 (edited) 20 years and you have had 6 sessions, let's take it easy, no need to panic quite yet I would also want to know what you mean with getting better, have your anxiety got worse when you have exposed yourself? If your objective self thinks that changing a therapist is a good move then go for it. I hope you get better soon by being able to go through the anxiety. Edited July 8, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain Link to comment
ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime Posted July 8, 2018 Author Share Posted July 8, 2018 Also, my parents blame me for being ill again. When I say that I can't do something, they tell me that I can but i just won't. Would they ask someone with a broken leg to run up a flight of stairs a hundred times nonstop?? They don't understand ocd despite me giving them numerous books and article links. They make me feel like a burden and that I'm ruining their retirement. They love me, but they can't cope or care for me. They tell me that the ocd is destroying 3 lives, which I interpret as I, by being ill again, am destroying their lives. It would be better for all of us if i were dead. Link to comment
Guest OCDhavenobrain Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 (edited) Having OCD is one thing and it suck but we do have a choice. You don't think they would be devastated if you died? I do. Edited July 8, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain Link to comment
ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime Posted July 8, 2018 Author Share Posted July 8, 2018 Hi @OCDhavenobrain - no, I've been having cbt/erp for years on and off, intensively after breakdowns which then lessens in frequency once I improve. The ocd gets bearable but never manageable, but then I have another major trigger and have another breakdown. I'm trying to do baby steps, but the 3 main strands of my ocd - harm, hiv and herpes - are all converging and are attacking me 24/7. It's a never-ending struggle. This is the worst my ocd has ever been - I'm a prisoner of my own mind, physically locked inside 4 walls. It's never been this bad before. The last times that I've been ill, I've had goals and dreams which have got me through, but now I have nothing. I have no career, I can't have a family of my own, I can't even be downstairs in a house on my own let alone go traveling or something to motivate myself to get better. I really have reached the end of the road. Yes, the anxiet y gets worse when doing ERP, but instead of the anxiety curving down over time, I'm flooded with new ocd thoughts, so my anxiety doesn't lessen, it remains constantly high until I retreat back to my bedroom and hide away as i can't take the constant thoughts. If it was just the one thought that i had to deal with, I could follow the ERP model, but I'm being bombarded by highly distressing thoughts and images regarding other ocd strands whilst waiting for the anxiety from the original thought to subside, so I never achieve the reduction in anxiety no matter how long I sit with it. It's pure hell. Thanks for taking the time to respond xxx Link to comment
ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime Posted July 8, 2018 Author Share Posted July 8, 2018 @OCDhavenobrain Yes, they would be devastated, but it's cruel to keep someone alive when they're suffering so much. I wish so much that we had voluntary euthanasia for people with chronic mental health problems. I just want a safe and dignified end to my suffering. Link to comment
Guest OCDhavenobrain Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 To me it seems like your OCD is doing its thing. It is not really strange that it goes up and down, but it will get worse over time if you don't undergo active recovery. But what do you mean with "over time"? Maybe you could think that it will take 6 months before it gets better, a really long time, but it is better than it just getting worse and worse. Also what you are saying about not being able to go outside is not unusual, it is a bad place to be in but it seems to be where many with OCD ends up. I hope someone can give you some tips because i don't know how to twist this but i would like to say that you have to look at this long-term. Link to comment
Guest OCDhavenobrain Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 (edited) 11 minutes ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said: @OCDhavenobrain Yes, they would be devastated, but it's cruel to keep someone alive when they're suffering so much. I wish so much that we had voluntary euthanasia for people with chronic mental health problems. I just want a safe and dignified end to my suffering. There is another option too! Maybe it is hard to see it right now but there is. So you are in therapy and it is triggering the anxiety, that is good, maybe you shouldn't change therapist then! I hope you go through the anxiety so you finally can get a new look on things, try your hardest to imagine an option to all of this. Visualize yourself without the OCD. Edited July 8, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain Link to comment
ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime Posted July 8, 2018 Author Share Posted July 8, 2018 @OCDhavenobrain thanks for your reply. I guess I have 3 choices: stay the same; kill myself; or up my ERP. I'm so scared of going through the hell that is ERP again but that's the only real option, isn't it. Link to comment
bruces Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 13 minutes ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said: @OCDhavenobrain Yes, they would be devastated, but it's cruel to keep someone alive when they're suffering so much. I wish so much that we had voluntary euthanasia for people with chronic mental health problems. I just want a safe and dignified end to my suffering. I feel this way too I'd like a normal fulfilled life but I find that hard to see. Link to comment
Guest OCDhavenobrain Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 (edited) 6 minutes ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said: @OCDhavenobrain thanks for your reply. I guess I have 3 choices: stay the same; kill myself; or up my ERP. I'm so scared of going through the hell that is ERP again but that's the only real option, isn't it. Yes and you need to go all the way. I don't remember but i think i heard from someone that starting ERP but not going all the way is the best way to ensure that you will have big anxiety for a long time. When i look at my way to this day do i see many many tries but i have always falled back down. In my case it is really strange, because i seems to slip when i get better. Let's assume that your therapist is good and that you are doing great, i don't really see any proof from you that this isn't the case, then just keep on going! The option is that it will be 20 more years of this, let's be realistic. You killing yourself is the worst option! Edited July 8, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain Link to comment
ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime Posted July 8, 2018 Author Share Posted July 8, 2018 @OCDhavenobrain my therapist isn't right atm. It's not clinical enough. I don't feel like I'm making progress. We haven't done a care plan and some of the homework is unachievable I.e. don't check for herpes blisters for 2 weeks when I've been spending hours daily checking. My therapist has been giving me "big picture goals" I.e. not checking, letting the anxiety ride, but not explaining how I do this or setting out a gradated erp plan. That's why I think i need to change therapists. I honestly cant remember life without ocd. I can't remember the last time I was happy or didn't hate myself for the ocd thoughts. Link to comment
Guest OCDhavenobrain Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 (edited) 5 minutes ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said: @OCDhavenobrain my therapist isn't right atm. It's not clinical enough. I don't feel like I'm making progress. We haven't done a care plan and some of the homework is unachievable I.e. don't check for herpes blisters for 2 weeks when I've been spending hours daily checking. My therapist has been giving me "big picture goals" I.e. not checking, letting the anxiety ride, but not explaining how I do this or setting out a gradated erp plan. That's why I think i need to change therapists. I honestly cant remember life without ocd. I can't remember the last time I was happy or didn't hate myself for the ocd thoughts. That sounds like an unrealistic goal, but instead of changing therapist why not tell her/him that you want to adjust? Do not let yourself quit just because of that. You don't need to remember life without OCD, try to imagine it. Edited July 8, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain Link to comment
ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime Posted July 8, 2018 Author Share Posted July 8, 2018 @bruces I think a normal, fulfilled life for those of us with severe OCD isn't possible. It's a chronic, lifelong illness. It will recur. It will come back during times of stress. We will be left by partners and friends who can't cope with our illness, we will lose jobs when we get ill, we will struggle and suffer all of our lives, more so than the normal life events that people without mental illness in general and ocd in particular have to contend with. There will be ok periods where the ocd is bearable, but there will be relapses and we will be at the mercy of an underfunded and uncaring cmht. We have to pay for our own (very expensive) therapy or face waiting lists of over a year. It's completely unacceptable - the sooner there's a referendum on voluntary euthanasia in the UK, the better. I know which way I'll be voting!! Sending you my best wishes xx Link to comment
Guest OCDhavenobrain Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 (edited) With "unrealistic goal" i meant going from checking every day to not checking at all for 2 weeks! Edit: Sorry too tired. lol Edited July 8, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain Link to comment
bruces Posted July 8, 2018 Share Posted July 8, 2018 7 minutes ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said: @bruces I think a normal, fulfilled life for those of us with severe OCD isn't possible. It's a chronic, lifelong illness. It will recur. It will come back during times of stress. We will be left by partners and friends who can't cope with our illness, we will lose jobs when we get ill, we will struggle and suffer all of our lives, more so than the normal life events that people without mental illness in general and ocd in particular have to contend with. There will be ok periods where the ocd is bearable, but there will be relapses and we will be at the mercy of an underfunded and uncaring cmht. We have to pay for our own (very expensive) therapy or face waiting lists of over a year. It's completely unacceptable - the sooner there's a referendum on voluntary euthanasia in the UK, the better. I know which way I'll be voting!! Sending you my best wishes xx That's a bleak outlook! Link to comment
ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime Posted July 8, 2018 Author Share Posted July 8, 2018 @OCDhavenobrain I don't have to imagine, I see it everyday on facebook. My friends having babies, getting promotions, seeing the world. Yes, that's just the highlights of their lives and you don't see the problems they face, but the lives they are having are the life i can't have due to ocd. I can't have kids in case ocd is genetic or I socialise them into being anxious neurotics - or worse, I have ocd thoughts about harming them somehow. I can't hold down a job due to frequent ocd relapses so I have no career - which for me has always been the most important goal in my life. I've lost more friends and partners due to getting ill than I care to remember. It's a disposable society, and people don't want to be burdened with other people's problems when they've got their own to contend with - especially not something as serious as severe ocd. I can't see a future without ocd as I've had so many relapses. I just see more pain and misery and loneliness. Link to comment
ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime Posted July 8, 2018 Author Share Posted July 8, 2018 5 minutes ago, OCDhavenobrain said: With "unrealistic goal" i meant going from checking every day to not checking at all for 2 weeks! Edit: Sorry too tired. lol No worries. Thank you for listening to me vent. Appreciate it very much xxx Link to comment
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