Don't know what I'm feeling

[Headwreck]

So the surprise break was cut a day short, it was a disaster and we came home yesterday evening. 

Today I don't know how I feel. I have all this stuff in my head but I feel like I don't know anything anymore. I feel upset but I can't cry. I feel concerned but not bothered at the same time. I feel bored yet compelled to act. I feel relieved to be back in familiar territory so I can escape if needed but the anxiety has adapted to being back home and has came home as well. I've started to comfort eat. My diet used to be okay but now it's very poor as it's the only thing that makes me feel OK for a short period. 

Have I been living a lie? I use the fact that I didn't think anything had happened in the past before all this as proof that this might be OCD but it's not really proof at all as these few months have made me realise a lot which I overlooked. I can't face it today, just want to go back to bed. What should have been a happy experience has yet again been tarnished. I'm off work this week, should have just gone in. 

What do non OCD people do when they have a problem, do they wake up with a different feeling about it every day? Do they forget about it all the time? If someone else had my problem, how would they deal with it because I don't know what is right and wrong now, I feel like an alien? 

Edited July 10, 2018 by Headwreck

[ohwhyhello]

26 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

What do non OCD people do when they have a problem, do they wake up with a different feeling about it every day?

They don't react to a thought like that at all, they dismiss it and move on with their lives.

Edited July 10, 2018 by ohwhyhello

[bruces]

I know what it's like it's like being an empty shell,your not sure of your own personality. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

You don't need to pin things down like this.  Non-OCD sufferers don't feel the need to do this.  it's OK not to know.  It's OK to be unsure.  Just leave it alone. 

Edited July 10, 2018 by gingerbreadgirl

[Headwreck]

I guess that's another compulsion that I didn't realise was one. I do check how I feel a lot. In the morning I used to check if I still felt like I had done it. Reading this back, I guess that's a massive tick in the OCD column; who checks to see if they feel like they've done something and why would the conclusion be subject to your feelings each day/minute/second? 

Now I just wake up and wait for the thoughts and feelings as I know they're coming. If I'm not anxious I'll feel that and I'll think to myself "hey I'm not anxious about it even though I think I've done it" or if it's not bothering me I'll think "it isn't bothering me. I'm not bothered. Why was I so bothered before? Am I not bothered that I did it?". etc. There is always a narration to every feeling and thought. I've found that if I drink, I get in a happy mood and all of a sudden feel like it's all stupid. But then the come down happens and I feel terrible. 

The one thing I'm worried about is not being worried about it anymore, if that makes sense. I don't want to be OK with the fact that I've done it and don't think I ever will be. That's what is making it so hard to dismiss or agree to the thoughts. Guilt would have to result in confession, absolutely, because it's the correct thing to do if you do something bad that someone must and deserves to know about. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone. 

Edited July 10, 2018 by Headwreck

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

It is a compulsion and what you are doing now is not going to help you neither. When we come across OCD do we need to hit with force, as long as you are not in force and laugh at OCD and show it who is boss it will slap you around. It is that easy, because OCD will ALWAYS make you convinced if you still are jumping around and try to solve individual thoughts. Because that fear is left and it is all about the fear

Edited July 10, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[PolarBear]

You just continue to ruminate about it all. If it isn't ruminating about that night and whether you did something it's ruminating about how you feel versus how you think you should feel. None of it is doing you any good.

By the way, you state that if you did something you must confess, as if that is an absolute fact. It's not. That may be the way you feel but it's not an inviolable life law.

[Headwreck]

I'm not sure how to stop, I think I'm not ruminating when I'm not thinking about the night but you're right, I start ruminating about how I feel etc. 

[paradoxer]

From a cognitive POV it doesn't how you feel, it's what you do re the disorder that counts. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Exactly! Feelings are such a useless thing anyway when it comes to all of this. I mean why do we need to get dread because something is dirty or a thought pops up. No stop relying on feelings.

And you have to not be a victim of all of this, you need to tell it to get lost. Either you have the power OR the OCD will have the power. 

[Headwreck]

The feelings have a big influence on me. This night was nothing to me previously, it wasn't my best moment but I had confessed everything to my partner a couple of years ago and then left it all behind. The biggest thing I was guilty of on the night as far as I was concerned at the time was putting my feet under this guys legs when I was cold. I didn't tell my partner that I did that because I thought it would hurt him but I've since told him. I never thought about the night, never felt the need to dissect it. I even remember wondering to myself why didn't I think about that night? But now, I have dissected what I remember from it and then cut each dissection into quarters and then quartered those. And so I'm convinced I've either forgotten, I've lied about not being guilty of it, or I've known about it until now and then in denial. 

I do see similarities in this to how I was with the obsession about my partner. Such as feeling better in the evening, worse in the mornings, worse on Sundays, worry switching focus to different facts about the obsession on a daily basis, the thought being there permanently and just being absolutely convinced. Very bizarre how I was so convinced about my partner so much and then it just changed and the old worry isn't a worry at all anymore. It barely crosses my mind. 

Something does have to change here but I do not feel I'm able to do it as I'm absolutely convinced, just like I was about my partner. 

Edited July 10, 2018 by Headwreck

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

1 minute ago, Headwreck said:

The feelings have a big influence on me. This night was nothing to me previously, it wasn't my best moment but I had confessed everything to my partner a couple of years ago and then left it all behind. The biggest thing I was guilty of on the night as far as I was concerned at the time was putting my feet under this guys legs when I was cold. I didn't tell my partner that I did that because I thought it would hurt him but I've since told him. I never thought about the night, never felt the need to dissect it. But now, I have dissected what I remember from it and then cut each dissection into quarters and then quartered those. And now I'm convinced I've either forgotten, I've lied about not being guilty of it, or I've known about it until now and then in denial. 

I do see similarities in this to how I was with the obsession about my partner. Such as feeling better in the evening, worse in the mornings, worse on Sundays, worry switching focus to different facts, the thought being there permanently and being absolutely convinced. Very bizarre how I was so convinced about my partner so much and then it just changed and the old worry isn't a care anymore. 

Something does have to change here but I do not feel I'm able to do it as I'm absolutely convinced, just like I was about my partner. 

Then you will keep being stuck and fighting with your head. You wouldn't sit here if it wasn't powerful, so you need to be more powerful. That attitude won't cut it, i am sorry but it won't. 

[paradoxer]

Headwreck,  going with your 'feelings' hasn't done you much good has it? (OCD is a faulty narrator - get it?) If you want to beat OCD you have to go against your feelings (act counter-intuitively). 

[Headwreck]

Thanks all. I'm trying to ignore everything to do with this "obsession", I feel very fed up and angry. My end goal is working through this and see what I'm left with if that makes sense. If I feel better but still think something happened, then I'll act accordingly. In the meantime I don't think I'm in a stable state of mind. 

I've not ruminated much today. But physical anxiety symptoms are creeping in even though I'm not sure what I'm anxious about, there isn't anything specific right now. Not even the night out I keep going on about. Just trying to get on with the day. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Stop analyzing.Your goal is not not think about this event. You will get very bery anxious. Sitting witj that anxiety is your goal.

 

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

I've not ruminated much today. But physical anxiety symptoms are creeping in even though I'm not sure what I'm anxious about, there isn't anything specific right now. Not even the night out I keep going on about. Just trying to get on with the day. 

I had this for quite a while when I started to feel better after my relapse last year.  I felt this horrible background anxiety and wasn't quite sure what it was about.  It passes, in time.  You just have to leave it alone, don't fight it, let it do its thing.  Accept that for now you will feel uncomfortable and anxious.  Leave it be, don't analyse it.  Eventually it will fade.

[Headwreck]

Thanks OCDhavenobrain and GBG. I feel very bad for not thinking about the night and irresponsible for not questioning why I'm anxious. But I know I need to get off the merry-go-round somehow, it's not normal to give these things so much airtime. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

I am also thinking about all of this asking we are doing. What if we only should aim for feeling uncomfortable. I have read that people who have knowledge about OCD can be the hardest to treat, there is a woman on Youtube who says that she is happy that she recovered back in the days where there wasn't all the information available on the internet. 

I myself feel secure when i have a therapist, even knowing i have a time next month makes me feeling more secure. I am not saying that everybody shouldn't go to therapists or reading about OCD i am just thinking that maybe it is the feeling of anxiety that we should make the anxiety happen and then sit with it. Or else maybe the OCD will forever go on and on and on under different covers. 

[Headwreck]

43 minutes ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

I am also thinking about all of this asking we are doing. What if we only should aim for feeling uncomfortable. I have read that people who have knowledge about OCD can be the hardest to treat, there is a woman on Youtube who says that she is happy that she recovered back in the days where there wasn't all the information available on the internet. 

I myself feel secure when i have a therapist, even knowing i have a time next month makes me feeling more secure. I am not saying that everybody shouldn't go to therapists or reading about OCD i am just thinking that maybe it is the feeling of anxiety that we should make the anxiety happen and then sit with it. Or else maybe the OCD will forever go on and on and on under different covers. 

I see what you are saying, definitely. I think all OCD sufferers are very deep thinkers and very analytical as people generally, irrespective of OCD. With all of this information we have about OCD, I personally find that my mind also uses it as a weapon against me because I analyse myself and compare my thoughts/feelings/symptoms etc. with what I've read. I worry I have misdiagnosed myself (even though I was officially diagnosed as a child) and worry that I  do certain things because I've read it is a symptom. I guess we are all - as human beings - susceptible to this, but it is a much bigger problem for people with OCD as it is fanning the flames of worry and just adding another rabbit hole to get stuck down. 

Edited July 11, 2018 by Headwreck

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

I feel more secure when i have a expert on the matter, the worst feeling i know is to be alone with the thoughts, not having anyone who knows about it. So that makes it important for me to not tell people, i am unsure to what extent, is writing here enough to being included in a group and feeling that i get "verified"

The thing i hate the most, and i really really hate it, is that the thoughts always seems to CHANGE! You can never ever get relief and keep going, you can, but the new thought will feel just like the one before!!! 

Having a diagnosis is good but it can easily get obsessive, i would like to get a brainscan just to see if i have the typical OCD-brain or not. I guess i would be devastated if it showed that i don't, i am not so sure i would get relief if i got it confirmed. 

 

You need to stop analyzing, you are analyzing it all, and it needs to stop or else it will get you more stuck. 

Edited July 11, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain