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Looking for some advice please


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Firstly sorry for the thread I started yesterday but hopefully by reading this you will understand why it was important for me to ask this question. Sorry if I triggered anyone by it, that wasn’t my intentions at all, far from it. I’m also sorry because I did leave the forum and also said it wasn’t OCD related, but it is very much so. I felt like a failure and I didn’t want to dishearten anyone doing CBT and that after two years you can still have a major setback. Sorry but only my best intentions were intended. 

I’m hoping by sharing this really difficult subject that someone will be able to help lift my mood up and help me to get back on track again.

This is one of my obsessions that I haven’t yet shared because i find it extremely difficult to talk about and to be honest I haven’t seen anyone with the same issues. I’m finding this really difficult to discuss but I’m really desperate for a little support and advice if possible.

Many of you will know that I have issues regarding going out but I’ve never disclosed the reason why. I’m so ashamed to say this but my problem is one of exposure, either me saying something wrong, swearing or saying something of a sexual content or exposing myself in some way, flashing or of a sexual nature. I avoided going out alone or speaking to people because of this, only a natural response I think? If I didn’t speak to anyone I couldn’t do anything wrong. If I didn’t go out I couldn’t do anything wrong. There was so many compulsions, safety seeking behaviours, rituals etc regarding this. From cleaning windows and sills, to closing the curtains, to answering the door, to locking the door, to having a shower, going to the dustbin etc. I had to put my underwear on in a certain way and all my clothes etc watching myself get dressed and the way things were fastened etc, a belt around my jeans fastened on a certain hole etc, no bare skin showing at all and I couldn’t use the toilet at all so I was absolutely certain I couldn’t have done anything wrong, my hands were in my pocket so tight that it hurt at times and then I knew everything was fastened in exactly the same way when I got in or changed again. There are far to many things to mention but I think you probably understand how complex this had become. 

I had managed to overcome all these compulsions and rituals etc one by one step by step and I wasn’t doing any of these things at all and I was going out everyday alone. I was still having intrusive thoughts when I was out but i didn’t give them my attention or do any compulsions or safety seeking behaviours. I also spoke to people whilst I was out so you can pretty much say I’d nearly, if not conquered this issue. 

Bless who has managed to read this so far because it’s a long one, I’m sorry. 

Ok here goes the major problem.

I went out for a meal with family and friends, I’d brought a new skirt and top, curled my hair and in fact felt quite pretty and good about myself for once, something I hadn’t felt for years. The skirt and top was by no means revealing, the skirt was a wrap over one that nearly met my ankles and the top was long sleeved but off the shoulder. But to me it was a big step, wearing something I liked and having some skin bare,no compulsions, no safety seeking behaviours or reassurance. Any way I felt the night was great and the day after I felt as pleased as punch because I hadn’t let the thoughts interfere with the night at all, I was so much closer to where I wanted to be. 

The following night, I was sat in my living room with a pair of skimpy shorts on because it was a red hot day, not sat lady like I must say but I was relaxed and in my own home after all and my daughter made a joking comment to shut my legs you can see my bits, so I said there is only us here so no harm done lol. But then my partner said yes it didn’t bother her last night either sat with her legs wide open so everyone could see her knickers, I think her worst fear? I asked him when and where I had done this and he said when I was sat on the wall outside the restaurant and everyone was there. Obviously l left the room in floods of tears, had I acted on one of my obsessions? He then went home leaving me totally distraught. Later that night I text him and asked why he didn’t tell me there and then, like watch your skirt sweetheart it slips open? He said he didn’t want to embarrass me? So I said If he had his flies down I would have given him the nod so not to embarrass him, same difference? He said it was when I sat on the wall opposite him that it happened and noone else could see? I couldn’t recollect what he was talking about? I don’t recall doing it? No one else saw me sat on the wall either and no one saw me do such a thing and said not a chance it’s not me to sit this way? But why would he want to lie and hurt me so much? Would he know what this would do to me? He said he is telling the truth and he doesn’t get the issue because only he saw? 

The thing is now I doubt myself more than ever before because there is supporting evidence. Before it’s only ever been a doubt and no supporting evidence, this is where my issues have got way out of hand. I now think if I’m capable of doing one obsession then I’m capable of them all and I’ve gone into sheer dread, panic, showering taking longer again and cleaning handles etc more and more because I feel everything is disgusting, dirty, filthy and I no longer want to go out because it’s going over and over in my mind driving me crazy.

At first I thought why would he lie to me and want to hurt me so bad? He said it was just a quip comment and he thought I’d see the funny side of things? I really wanted to believe he had lied for some reason but that would question our relationship and whether I’d want it to continue? But if he is telling the truth? then I question whether I acted on a OCD compulsion? 

Please don’t think of me as a bad person because really I’m not. When I was sat on my sofa I was sat with one leg bent under me and my other leg with the knee up in the air, nothing sinister. I recall all of that night but nothing of this, I have gone over it over and over again but cannot remember it and yet I can remember everything else? It’s not in my nature to not sit with my legs crossed because I always do, I would never ever dream of sitting this way so how come I did? I can’t even say that this occurred when I had my intrusive thought because I had quite a few of them that night but I dismissed them, so how can I be sure? I feel bad for doubting him too, why would someone you trust the most want to hurt you so bad and cause you so such harm? So obviously he is telling the truth, but I’m doubting everything. 

I feel like a dirty, filthy, disgusting bad person. If I’m capable of this, what else am I capable of? Am I capable of acting on my other obsessions too? 

I’m slowly reverting back to my old ways very quickly but worse than ever and it’s scares the life out me, two years of therapy gone. I just don’t know where to start and how to overcome this.

How do you even begin to pick yourself back up again when you believe that you’ve done one of your worst fears? It’s not only affecting this obsession it’s affecting them all. 

I honestly would never want to trigger anyone with my posts, I’m just really struggling right now and I was wondering if anyone could please give me some advice on how to overcome this?

Thank you for spending your time reading this, I really appreciate it, 

lost 

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Hi lost. 

Had a difficult day today, and am taking to an early bed, but will give this some thought tomorrow.

Help will follow, hopefully others will also have some guidance to provide. 

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Hi Roy,

I’m so sorry to hear this, hopefully after a good nights sleep you will feel a little better. 

Best wishes as always to both you and Julie, hope you feel much better soon :yes:

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Hi Lost

I hope you don't mind me commenting, you have offered so much support to so many people here and I don't feel I am in any way 'qualified' to offer advice, but just wanted to let you know that you are by no means triggering anybody and disheartening anyone. The recovery path has so many bumps and pitfalls, it's natural to have rough patches along the way - and that's all of us, irrespective of how long we have been traveling on it - so please don't shy away from posting or bottle things up as you are just as worthy to reach out for support as anyone else here.

I really don't feel I know enough about this disorder to try and steer you in any direction but for moral support wanted to say that I really hope you feel better soon and that you have everyone here rooting for you and I genuinely mean that!x

Edited by Headwreck
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I'm sure someone will be along in a minute with some good advice, but just wanted to send you a :hug: from one 'Lost' to another.

One thing you are certainly NOT is a bad person. Even IF what he said was true, it doesn't mean a thing. For starters, how could you have acted on anything when you didn't even know about it?!

Don't give up, this is just a blip.

P.S. Sorry, it took me too long to write and others have replied since!

Edited by Lost_in_a_Dark_Maze
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2 minutes ago, lostinme said:

Hi Roy,

I’m so sorry to hear this, hopefully after a good nights sleep you will feel a little better. 

Best wishes as always to both you and Julie, hope you feel much better soon :yes:

I am OK just tired, and will be fine tomorrow. 

I will be on the case :)

 

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Bless you Headwreck that means so much to me thank you ? 

To be honest I didn’t want to share this because I was petrified to share it because I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself and the last thing I want to do is cause any upset to any one because I know that this would distress me even more. But I feel so desperate, that I didn’t really have a choice. 

Hope you are ok? 

Best wishes always, lost x 

 

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Hi lost :)

Firstly, this is not acting on an obsession. You didn't deliberately go out and flash someone, nor did you want to in any way.

Secondly, what your partner has said happened. Well you can't remember and he might be mistaken but even if it were true, your partner isn't bothered, no one you were out with was bothered, only you feel like it is important. What would you say to your daughter if she accidentally flashed her underwear? It's highly likely she might feel embarrassed, but in reality it is unimportant. No one will think twice about it but her and you would encourage her to forget about it and move on. 

This doesn't have to set you back as far as you think. It's a big blip but it's still just a blip. You have all the skills and experience to pull yourself out. All you need to see is, you have no info to act on, no one cares about the situation but you and all those who care about you would want you to chalk it up to experience and see it as no big deal :)

It's hard now but you'll be ok lost. Well done for being brave and posting. Hugs x

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7 minutes ago, Lost_in_a_Dark_Maze said:

I'm sure someone will be along in a minute with some good advice, but just wanted to send you a :hug: from one 'Lost' to another.

One thing you are certainly NOT is a bad person. Even IF what he said was true, it doesn't mean a thing. For starters, how could you have acted on anything when you didn't even know about it?!

Don't give up, this is just a blip.

P.S. Sorry, it took me too long to write and others have replied since!

Thank you lost :)

It means a lot that you’ve answered my post. 

I can’t help but feel this way I feel totally distraught, but no, i have no recollection of it happening at all. 

I don’t want to give up that’s why I’m reaching out because it’s made me spiral back down drastically :( and that’s the last thing I want to happen. 

Hooe you are ok and doing well x 

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4 minutes ago, lostinme said:

Bless you Headwreck that means so much to me thank you ? 

To be honest I didn’t want to share this because I was petrified to share it because I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself and the last thing I want to do is cause any upset to any one because I know that this would distress me even more. But I feel so desperate, that I didn’t really have a choice. 

Hope you are ok? 

Best wishes always, lost x 

 

You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about, but going against those feelings that this disorder has generated is really brave and that's the sort of thing you need to keep doing in order to kick this horrible disorder back into touch.

You are stronger than you know, dust yourself off and remember how far you have come. You're still there, you've not lost any progress no matter what that bully in your brain is telling you - this is just a hiccup. It will not be clear to you right now but I'm sure you can use this hiccup to your advantage; to sharpen your tools in your arsenal and then to realise your strength once you have fought through itx

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24 minutes ago, Gemma7 said:

Hi lost :)

Firstly, this is not acting on an obsession. You didn't deliberately go out and flash someone, nor did you want to in any way.

Secondly, what your partner has said happened. Well you can't remember and he might be mistaken but even if it were true, your partner isn't bothered, no one you were out with was bothered, only you feel like it is important. What would you say to your daughter if she accidentally flashed her underwear? It's highly likely she might feel embarrassed, but in reality it is unimportant. No one will think twice about it but her and you would encourage her to forget about it and move on. 

This doesn't have to set you back as far as you think. It's a big blip but it's still just a blip. You have all the skills and experience to pull yourself out. All you need to see is, you have no info to act on, no one cares about the situation but you and all those who care about you would want you to chalk it up to experience and see it as no big deal :)

It's hard now but you'll be ok lost. Well done for being brave and posting. Hugs x

Sorry Gemma my internet went down. 

I totally understand that if it was my daughter I would reassure her and tell her that it will soon be forgotten and that accidents do happen. However this is not one of her greatest fears so wouldn’t be a massive issue to her? 

How can I be so sure it wasn’t my obsession? If it was, what else am I capable of doing? To be honest its scared the life out of me and I’m feeling terrible. I’m wanting to do all my compulsions again to reassure myself that there is no possible chance of this happening again. I’m avoiding so many things now because I’m so afraid because if I’m capable of doing one thing then what else am I. Sorry I’m really struggling with this more than ever and I’m not sure how to turn it back around again? 

Sorry but life was feeling so great, I was looking forward to a bright future and now it feels so dark and bleak x

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Hey Losty!

Massive hugs! ❤️

You haven't done a thing wrong! Your OCD has latched on to something insignificant and blown it all out of proportion. 

Everyone sits in all sorts of positions in the comfort of their own home, and I'm pretty sure most of us have had a wardrobe malfunction at some point. 

If I or another forum user posted this thread, would you think us a terrible person?

Nip this in bud mate, you've come so far. 

OCD lies, OCD takes our morals and alleges we've gone against them, OCD demands our full attention, OCD reckons us humans should have full control over our thoughts, we can't and we don't. 

So much respect for you Losty, to post this whilst you're so distressed is admirable. 

You got this, and we got you. ❤️

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13 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about, but going against those feelings that this disorder has generated is really brave and that's the sort of thing you need to keep doing in order to kick this horrible disorder back into touch.

You are stronger than you know, dust yourself off and remember how far you have come. You're still there, you've not lost any progress no matter what that bully in your brain is telling you - this is just a hiccup. It will not be clear to you right now but I'm sure you can use this hiccup to your advantage; to sharpen your tools in your arsenal and then to realise your strength once you have fought through itx

Bless you thank you ? 

I really hope so, the last thing I want to do is revert back to my old ways and I’m slowly slipping down that path again, doing compulsions again that I’ve already conquered and that is the last thing I want to do. I feel dirty and disgusting and I know that no amount of washing or cleaning will wash this away. May be I will have to go back to basics again and work through it one step at a time? My showering has also gone back to taking longer and longer because I feel so dirty again, so maybe I need to work on the cognitive side of things here first?x 

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Hi,

Wow. Ocd. That's it. Stop questioning and thinking and going over it. It makes no sense other than fellow sufferers can see ocd, where you can't,  or don't believe. We're all the same. First paragraph you can tell. Not going to say you're not a bad person as not the thing to do with ocd (although youre clearly lovely) but what I can say is you're reacting to nothing in an ocd way. You have ocd. You have an obsession and it's got to you. It could be an obsession over sausages or lawn mowers and it'd be just as terrifying. What I will say is how utterly I and no doubt others know how you feel.

Try to take it easier on yourself, you've made progress and breath, distract and move in right direction. This can be a blip and does not need to be a catastrophe. 

Take care,

Ps I was enjoying a beer with friends after work and saw someone who looked 15 in a dress and then bang,  like her breasts, then bang I check her bum and think I like it like an adult and bang it's all true. I've lied to myself for 10 years. I guess I'm saying we have a way of catastrophising and one 'indescretion' if it's even that makes us feel utterly beaten. It's rubbish of course. Just another thought another day. The battle is choosing not to ruminate for hours but I've alreany done that so if you choose to wake up tomorrow like this blip hasn't happened then I will. Or can or whatever, just know there's loads of us in your corner shouting you on.

Njb x

Edited by njb
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1 minute ago, lostinme said:

However this is not one of her greatest fears so wouldn’t be a massive issue to her? 

But this is a double standard lost. You can't say that because it's a fear of yours that that means you should treat the situation differently. It being a fear of yours merely explains why you feel so bad about it, but that doesn't mean your reaction should be different. 

 

3 minutes ago, lostinme said:

How can I be so sure it wasn’t my obsession?

What do you mean by this question? Are you asking how do you know if you did it deliberately? You can't know for sure, no one could, but you have no reason to think you would do something on purpose you really don't want to, it doesn't even make sense. What does make sense is that maybe you showed your underwear by accident and now you're anxious because you feel like it means something. 

 

7 minutes ago, lostinme said:

If it was, what else am I capable of doing?

This is very much OCDs game. If something happened that I don't remember, what else could happen? This is a problem of tolerating uncertainty. You don't remember, if your partner hadn't said anything you would be fine right now,  but now you're 'taking precautions' just in case because you feel responsible to do that.

Unfortunately, you've shown yourself where that takes you, it's to not having a life, shutting yourself away. And why? There is no reason to. The only way to get rid of feeling this way is to treat it like the unimportant event that it was. 

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2 minutes ago, Skullpops said:

Hey Losty!

Massive hugs! ❤️

You haven't done a thing wrong! Your OCD has latched on to something insignificant and blown it all out of proportion. 

Everyone sits in all sorts of positions in the comfort of their own home, and I'm pretty sure most of us have had a wardrobe malfunction at some point. 

If I or another forum user posted this thread, would you think us a terrible person?

Nip this in bud mate, you've come so far. 

OCD lies, OCD takes our morals and alleges we've gone against them, OCD demands our full attention, OCD reckons us humans should have full control over our thoughts, we can't and we don't. 

So much respect for you Losty, to post this whilst you're so distressed is admirable. 

You got this, and we got you. ❤️

What a lovely message Skullpops thank you ? this really has resignated with me and even made me smile amidst tears and the mayhem I’m feeling right now. 

So few a words that says so much  :yes:

Bless you and thank you so very much ? losty x 

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13 minutes ago, Skullpops said:

Hey Losty!

Massive hugs! ❤️

You haven't done a thing wrong! Your OCD has latched on to something insignificant and blown it all out of proportion. 

Everyone sits in all sorts of positions in the comfort of their own home, and I'm pretty sure most of us have had a wardrobe malfunction at some point. 

If I or another forum user posted this thread, would you think us a terrible person?

Nip this in bud mate, you've come so far. 

OCD lies, OCD takes our morals and alleges we've gone against them, OCD demands our full attention, OCD reckons us humans should have full control over our thoughts, we can't and we don't. 

So much respect for you Losty, to post this whilst you're so distressed is admirable. 

You got this, and we got you. ❤️

Skull pops, 

I like the alleges bit. Insightful.

Njb x

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16 minutes ago, lostinme said:

Bless you thank you ? 

I really hope so, the last thing I want to do is revert back to my old ways and I’m slowly slipping down that path again, doing compulsions again that I’ve already conquered and that is the last thing I want to do. I feel dirty and disgusting and I know that no amount of washing or cleaning will wash this away. May be I will have to go back to basics again and work through it one step at a time? My showering has also gone back to taking longer and longer because I feel so dirty again, so maybe I need to work on the cognitive side of things here first?x 

You've already taken a big step and need to realise this: you've seen this for what it is. What do we know, the fundamental fact that we are all taught at the beginning, the compulsions are kryptonite and only dig a deeper hole. Don't keep inviting them in where they're not welcome. You don't want to push too hard too fast so you're right, one step at a time so you don't overwhelm yourself while you are in quite a sensitive mindset. Drop whatever feels easier first. You may find that because you a) understand and b) recognise what you are doing, you'll find it a little easier than it was the first time.

I'm by no means trying to be an expert whatsoever,  and happy to be corrected if I'm wrong ?! I'm just going based on what your good self and others here offer by means of sterling advice and how I've understood it myself. I know being in the thick of it is bloody horrible but you've got the upper hand here as you have already seen through the shady tricks, now it's just a matter of kicking them back to the kerb where they belong!

You can do it.x

Edited by Headwreck
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8 minutes ago, njb said:

Hi,

Wow. Ocd. That's it. Stop questioning and thinking and going over it. It makes no sense other than fellow sufferers can see ocd, where you can't,  or don't believe. We're all the same. First paragraph you can tell. Other going to say you're not a bad person but what I can say is you're reacting to nothing in an ocd way. You have ocd. You have an obsession and it's gti you. It could be an obsession over sausages or lawn mowerange and it'd be just as terrifying. What I will say is how utterly I ad no doubt others know how you feel.

Try to get easier on yourself, you've made progress and breath, distract and move in right direction. 

Taka care,

Ps I was enjoying a beer with friends after work and saw someone who looked 15 in a dress and then bang,  like her breasts, then bang I check her bum and think I like it like an adult and bang it's all true. I've lied to myself for 10 years. I guess I'm saying we have a way of catastrophising and one 'indescretion' if it's even that makes us feel utterly beaten. It's rubbish of course. Just another thought another day.

Njb x

Bless you Njb, thank you,

I know your right but it’s so so difficult when wham it’s got you in it’s grips again and then you doubt every single thought and every single movement you make, it’s not quite so easy to ignore when you feel your worst fear as come true. But your so right another thought another day and I really need to try to let it go and pick myself back up again x

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Hey,

If it was easy it wouldn't be an illness would it?! Don't get me wrong, this is me seeing ocd in another, not saying I can do what we know we need to do but just remember that we are not alone and we all know how hard each second can be but it can get better. I never said it was easy or to ignore it, I'm saying we need to accept the uncertainty and let if float about. If you manage it however, please let me know as I'm useless at ignoring my own hell inside my noggin.

Njb x

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

You are saying that this is your worst fear, face and overcome it like you have done with your other fears. Good job of you that you could write it out. 

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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11 minutes ago, Gemma7 said:

But this is a double standard lost. You can't say that because it's a fear of yours that that means you should treat the situation differently. It being a fear of yours merely explains why you feel so bad about it, but that doesn't mean your reaction should be different. 

 

What do you mean by this question? Are you asking how do you know if you did it deliberately? You can't know for sure, no one could, but you have no reason to think you would do something on purpose you really don't want to, it doesn't even make sense. What does make sense is that maybe you showed your underwear by accident and now you're anxious because you feel like it means something. 

 

This is very much OCDs game. If something happened that I don't remember, what else could happen? This is a problem of tolerating uncertainty. You don't remember, if your partner hadn't said anything you would be fine right now,  but now you're 'taking precautions' just in case because you feel responsible to do that.

Unfortunately, you've shown yourself where that takes you, it's to not having a life, shutting yourself away. And why? There is no reason to. The only way to get rid of feeling this way is to treat it like the unimportant event that it was. 

Yes I agree totally with what you are saying Gemma it’s my reaction against it that as made it more important. 

So really it’s to be treated as any other doubt? Even if you feel that it has supporting evidence? 

Yes if he hadn’t said anything I would be totally fine now and still working my therapy and feeling happy instead everything as come to a standstill and I feel terrible. If he had said it differently I don’t think it would have been such an issue? Like babe be careful how you sit your skirt slips open. Not how he said it, it felt very cruel and hurtful and it has put a great strain on our relationship and I feel a little resentful towards him and that makes me feel bad too. I truly wish he hadn’t told me. 

Yes it takes you to not a nice place and that’s the last thing I want to do. But as soon as I go to make a drink or go out etc my doubt is so much greater, am I truly capable of doing these things and the thoughts are so frantic I give in :(

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19 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

You've already taken a big step and need to realise this: you've seen this for what it is. What do we know, the fundamental fact that we are all taught at the beginning, the compulsions are kryptonite and only dig a deeper hole. Don't keep inviting them in where they're not welcome. You don't want to push too hard too fast so you're right, one step at a time so you don't overwhelm yourself while you are in quite a sensitive mindset. Drop whatever feels easier first. You may find that because you a) understand and b) recognise what you are doing, you'll find it a little easier than it was the first time.

I'm by no means trying to be an expert whatsoever,  and happy to be corrected if I'm wrong ?! I'm just going based on what your good self and others here offer by means of sterling advice and how I've understood it myself. I know being in the thick of it is bloody horrible but you've got the upper hand here as you have already seen through the shady tricks, now it's just a matter of kicking them back to the kerb where they belong!

You can do it.x

Bless you Headwreck, thank you so much for your encouragement and support it means so much :)

Your so I right, I will try my very hardest to work through it and hopefully this time around it will easier than the first time x

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9 minutes ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

You are saying that this is your worst fear, face and overcome it like you have done with your other fears. Good job of you that you could write it out. 

Thank you OCDhavenobrain, I will try :)

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