Can't cope anymore.

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

16 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

@hedvig unfortunately I can't visit the GP just now about this, I have something really important I'm waiting on a result for and if I bring this up with a GP then it will destroy any chances I had. And I can't afford therapy right now so I'm stuck either way. I think most of my problem is depression as I'm extremely unhappy with how my life is anyway irrespective of this. 

@OCDhavenobrain therapy isn't an option for me due to finances, I had already been doing it for six months anyway and every session seemed to be the same. I don't feel as though ERP is required for me I think cognitive work is what I need but he never seemed to do that.

 I think I'm abusing this forum if I'm honest and possibly detracting from others who need and will use the advice they're given. Is there a way for my account to be frozen or a way for my account to be altered so that I am able to visit but unable to post? I can't help but come on here because I'm entirely alone outside of this site but it's not fair to keep doing what I am doing. 

 

 

I have to agree and disagree with you. 
If i had to bet my money i would bet my money on that you think you need cognitive work because you in some way will figure this out if you do "cognitive work". You feel like you can't let this go, and doing cognitive work is a way to figure it out, i know that this isn't what cognitive work means but your OCD gets involved and distorts its meaning. I believe that is what is going on.

I think many of us uses the internet when it comes to our OCD and forums are sadly not different, forums are great because you can relate to others and get knowledge but it gets to a point. Forums are no safespace from the OCD, OCD will use everything against you. But there is a way out, and that is to stop taking it serious, and it loses it powers. 
But i know how hard it is to ignore the thoughts when it feels like it is life or death! But well... yea... we are here of a reason.  

Edited July 15, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[Headwreck]

11 minutes ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

I have to agree and disagree with you. 
If i had to bet my money i would bet my money on that you think you need cognitive work because you in some way will figure this out if you do "cognitive" work. You feel like you can't let this go, and doing cognitive work is a way to figure it out, i know that this isn't what cognitive work means but your OCD gets involved and distorts its meaning.

I think many of us uses internet when it comes to our OCD and forums are sadly not different, forums are great because you can relate to others and get knowledge but it gets to a point. Forums are no safespace from the OCD, OCD will use everything against you. But there is a way out, and that is to stop taking it serious, and it loses it powers. 
But i know how hard it is to ignore the thoughts when it feels like it is life or death! But well... yea... we are here of a reason.  

I just feel so many different feelings and they're all bad. Don't remember when I was truly happy or happy and not thinking in the background. If I've done this then fine but why am I so afraid and won't let it go? I see so many people get on with their lives and have done a lot worse. When I obsessed about my partner for four years, I thought my life was over, it was torture and I was severely depressed by it. Now it doesn't bother me at all, it has gone from the biggest thing in my world to something I don't even think about because this new worry has all my attention. There just doesn't seem to be a break.

So do I get angry with myself and believe what my brain tells me? I try and the feeling of guilt and pain is too much. And then I think of things that would disprove this theory and go round again. Even if I asked this guy (I tried to but he blocked me. We have not spoken for a while and think he thought I was being weird), I think I know deep down that he would say nothing happened. I cannot believe I put myself in this situation.

 

 

Edited July 15, 2018 by Headwreck

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

12 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

I just feel so many different feelings and they're all bad. Don't remember when I was truly happy or happy and not thinking in the background. If I've done this then fine but why am I so afraid and won't let it go? I see so many people get on with their lives and have done a lot worse. When I obsessed about my partner for four years, I thought my life was over, it was torture and I was severely depressed by it. Now it doesn't bother me at all, it has gone from the biggest thing in my world to something I don't even think about because this new worry has all my attention. There just doesn't seem to be a break.

 So do I get angry with myself and believe what my brain tells me? I try and the feeling of guilt and pain is too much. And then I think of things that would disprove this theory and go round again. Even if I asked this guy (I tried to but he blocked me. We have not spoken for a while and think he thought I was being weird), I think I know deep down that he would say nothing happened. I cannot believe I put myself in this situation.

 

 

Exactly how i feel about the thoughts i had when i was 18-23 about things which could have happened in school. I got panicattacks of the possibility, today i am just like "meeh who cares", i have another thought going now, which i am "convinced" about. I should say that i am currently not so involved about this thought (it is in the background) it is mostly hovering around my health for now. The thing about real-events is that we will probably never get 100% proof. I have worried about if i have altered my memories, they say that a memory is altered everytime you think about it. It makes me anxious but it is what it is. We will never know in the sense OCD uses the word "know". 100% certainty is impossible!

I have also asked people and i am not proud of it, i contacted my childhood-friends just to ask them silly questions, i cringe so bad when i think about it today. 

20 years, that is a lot of time, it will take much work of us to switch track. The OCD is a heavy train, and all we can do is to believe that the railroad switch will work. 

Edited July 15, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[Headwreck]

Yeah I have asked a lot of people things too, some of these people have been strangers to me but I've been so desperate that I contact them. I did it the other week too and contacted someone after not speaking to them for around 5 years and then asked them a question then I disappeared again. I think a lot of people where I live think I am mentally ill, guess they are not wrong. I will probably get a name for myself if I haven't already but it doesn't bother me at the time when I get it in my head to ask. Very sad state of affairs.

[PolarBear]

9 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I understand the aim is to allow this to die of apathy but if you truly believed you did something wrong, and you had been in a situation whereby it may well have done so that is some form of evidence that it probably did, how can you just continue living while ignoring this knowledge? 

I feel terrible constantly whether I'm actively thinking about it or not. I ruminate, I feel bad, I don't ruminate, I feel bad, I let the anxiety sit, I feel bad and it doesn't decrease at all. I am sat there for hours and hours with no let up. I'm anxious every single day no matter what I do. I'm left with very little option here now as I can't continue to live with this on my back.

It's probably fraudulent of me to post here as I don't think that I have OCD per se. The length of time and amount of time worried about this (9 months every day) is very obsessive, yes. But that's about it.

As usual, your ruminating has ended up making you completely and utterly wrong. The fact that this has stuck around for nine months is NOT the only evidence this is OCD.

You forgot that you have intrusive thoughts that you did something bad. You forgot the anxiety those thoughts cause. You forgot your compulsions, chiefly ruminating. You forgot the huge doubt you feel. You forgot that your mind has blown the thought of kissing another guy all out of proportion into some massively bad thing. You forgot that you have ZERO evidence that you did anything wrong.

Now say, right Polar Bear. There wasn't just one thing...

[PolarBear]

9 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I am punishing myself because why should I be able to live happily as though nothing has happened while my partner is unaware? It is driving me mental. I don't want to wake up anymore.

It feels like there is a massive black mark against my name in the relationship and it's just not clean or right anymore.

I don't think I have been honest with everyone here either as there are some things I have missed out. For example last year, I was worried the girl who's house we were in on the night would turn up at my house and say something had happened. When we moved house I was glad as she didn't know where I lived so she couldn't turn up and say that - she is known for causing trouble. So why would I worry about this if nothing happened? I spoke to her a few months ago to see if anything happened on the night out and she said nothing did as they were in the next room so they'd know. I guess this changes the whole thing now.

As usual, you are making a mountain out of a molehill. If you cheated (and it's an enormous if), it is NOT the end of the world. Not even close. You've blown this all out of proportion.

As usual, you think we just don't understand the situation and if we did we'd all tell you to rot in hell. It is NOT going to happen. We get it. We really do. You are not the first person here to have what is commonly called cheating OCD. We've been down this road before. And even if you showed us video of you having sex with some guy on the kitchen table, we still wouldn't tell you to go to hell.

 

[PolarBear]

9 hours ago, Headwreck said:

Even when I don't ruminate, the thought and knowledge and feelings are still there. Nothing seems to work so it leaves me thinking that this isn't OCD related.

False. Your OCD is trying to make it seem like something else. Your mind is stuck on this. A part of your mind wants you to keep working on this unsolvable problem. And you fall for it every time.

Look how much time you've spent just today posting your thoughts and doubts. Don't tell me you are not ruminating. It's as plain as day.

Another thing... you complain often that nothing works and even stopping ruminating doesn't work. Understand this: if you stopped all your compulsions today, it would take certainly weeks and likely months to see a positive result. You don't fix a problem like yours in a few days.

[PolarBear]

6 hours ago, Headwreck said:

@hedvig unfortunately I can't visit the GP just now about this, I have something really important I'm waiting on a result for and if I bring this up with a GP then it will destroy any chances I had. And I can't afford therapy right now so I'm stuck either way. I think most of my problem is depression as I'm extremely unhappy with how my life is anyway irrespective of this. 

@OCDhavenobrain therapy isn't an option for me due to finances, I had already been doing it for six months anyway and every session seemed to be the same. I don't feel as though ERP is required for me I think cognitive work is what I need but he never seemed to do that.

I think I'm abusing this forum if I'm honest and possibly detracting from others who need and will use the advice they're given. Is there a way for my account to be frozen or a way for my account to be altered so that I am able to visit but unable to post? I can't help but come on here because I'm entirely alone outside of this site but it's not fair to keep doing what I am doing. 

 

 

Quit trying to makes us all out as victims of yours. We are all grownups and we choose to be here. We choose to help people, you included. 

[PolarBear]

5 hours ago, Headwreck said:

Yeah I have asked a lot of people things too, some of these people have been strangers to me but I've been so desperate that I contact them. I did it the other week too and contacted someone after not speaking to them for around 5 years and then asked them a question then I disappeared again. I think a lot of people where I live think I am mentally ill, guess they are not wrong. I will probably get a name for myself if I haven't already but it doesn't bother me at the time when I get it in my head to ask. Very sad state of affairs.

Every time you contact someone to ask them about that night you are committing a compulsion. It makes things worse. You've got to start seeing that.

Think of all the times you've talked to people about that night. Do you feel better because you did? Of course not. The doubt and anxiety did not go away.

Stop doing this.

[Headwreck]

The thought feels forced if I'm honest, sometimes I'll just sit there and think 'remember that night' then it starts. And sometimes if I'm not thinking about it I will try to bring it up in my head to check what I think.

I was watching a CBT video earlier which got me thinking when the like graph of anxiety came out (peaks of anxiety and troughs when compulsions are acted on). I was trying to make a list of of my compulsions. When I think about what I do to 'stop' the anxiety, there isn't really anything. Yes I ruminate but it just brings more anxiety. I check how I feel about it a lot but that causes anxiety. I ask myself if I did which causes anxiety. Other compulsions: confessing, contacting people, I have stopped doing this. I do still search OCD online which I think is reassurance so I must stop that. And I think posting on here is a compulsion too.

Any of the main 'compulsions' ie rumination are not giving relief, it's more to try to resolve the problem whether the end result is good or bad. This is why I am having difficulty when it comes to understanding the 'sitting with the anxiety' and 'not compulsing' as mine aren't there to decrease anxiety like hand washing or checking etc so obviously is. Does this make sense?

 

[lostinme]

Head wreck, listen to all the great advice you have been given  how long are you going to torture yourself over something that you don’t even know occurred. Please be kind to yourself and let this go  

You can do it, one step at a time and one day at a time over and over again, it can take weeks, months but you can get there. 

See this with the same positivity, courage and support you have given me, we are all behind you every step of the way  x

[Headwreck]

3 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Every time you contact someone to ask them about that night you are committing a compulsion. It makes things worse. You've got to start seeing that.

Think of all the times you've talked to people about that night. Do you feel better because you did? Of course not. The doubt and anxiety did not go away.

Stop doing this.

The person I contacted the other day was about another night I started worrying about from six years ago but that worry only lasted one day. Sorry I didn't make that clear when I mentioned it.

[PolarBear]

Did you actually read my posts above or did you just gloss over them?

Edited July 15, 2018 by PolarBear

[Headwreck]

11 minutes ago, lostinme said:

Head wreck, listen to all the great advice you have been given  how long are you going to torture yourself over something that you don’t even know occurred. Please be kind to yourself and let this go  

You can do it, one step at a time and one day at a time over and over again, it can take weeks, months but you can get there. 

See this with the same positivity, courage and support you have given me, we are all behind you every step of the way  x

I'm sorry. I am a hypocrite, but I just can't get away from this. I am absolutely obsessed with it 1000% I can't leave it alone. It's all I think about every day even when I'm not thinking about it, if that makes sense. Keep wishing I could obsess over my partner again even though that was the end of the world when I was doing that too.

But anyway thanks for the support, I appreciate it (even if it does seem like I ignore everything people say I really don't mean it). I hope you are feeling better!x

[Headwreck]

15 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Did you actually read my posts above or did you just gloss over them?

Sorry I didn't mean to seem ignorant, yes I did read them, multiple times, thanks for taking the time yet again. I know it seems futile and don't mean to make it look like I'm not listening, I'm trying. Everything you say makes sense to me at the moment, it feels ok now as my anxiety drops at night but I know tomorrow I'll be here doing the same repetitive garbage again. That is when I don't know what to do because I get so convinced that I start to panic and come sniffing around here. I guess I need to just shut that down but I'm so alone and if I don't come here then I'll just be sat crying and getting more worked up.

It might be worth me adding that I predicted I'd have a bad day today because I'm back at work tomorrow and it makes me very anxious and depressed when I'm going back to work because I don't really like my job and feel like I struggle.

And with regards to the ruminations, it genuinely does feel like this is always in my brain even when I'm not actively thinking about it, there is always a feeling, will always link with something I hear, read or see. I don't know if that makes sense. What do I do in that instance, it's in the back and forefront of my head and impossible to just ignore?

Edited July 15, 2018 by Headwreck

[hedvig]

I think you could set a goal for tomorrow to do something nice for yourself and then post here and let us know what you did. 

[Headwreck]

6 minutes ago, hedvig said:

I think you could set a goal for tomorrow to do something nice for yourself and then post here and let us know what you did. 

I will give that a try, thanks Hedvig. I'm also going to try not to post here when I start panicking (I expect I will tomorrow because I'm back in work and I'm desperately unhappy there and that starts me off). I think that might be a compulsion. But I will definitely let you know how I get on with your idea

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

False. Your OCD is trying to make it seem like something else. Your mind is stuck on this. A part of your mind wants you to keep working on this unsolvable problem. And you fall for it every time.

Look how much time you've spent just today posting your thoughts and doubts. Don't tell me you are not ruminating. It's as plain as day.

Another thing... you complain often that nothing works and even stopping ruminating doesn't work. Understand this: if you stopped all your compulsions today, it would take certainly weeks and likely months to see a positive result. You don't fix a problem like yours in a few days.

This is important. I resisted my absolute hardest this winter, i did everything i could to resist, i had a constant panic for atleast 3 weeks, i feelt like i had a panicattack most of the day. It was awful. 

Headwreck, at this point you need to make a choose, there are some boundaries when it comes to all of this, atleast i have them going for myself. I really really try my absolute hardest to listen to people who i respect, so if i confess something here when i am panicking i try my hardest to listen. There have to be someone you respect when it comes to OCD, may it be Polarbear or someone else. With "respect" i mean that person's authority on the matter of OCD. Another boundary i try to have is to not bring in other people into the compulsions (reassurance). 

My sincere advice to you would be to make a choose when it comes to using the internet (not only forums) either you keep on using it to research all of this with the intention to change or maybe you should take a break from all of it. I think you do have the knowledge when it comes to OCD, you don't need more to resolve this specific thought you have, maybe you need knowledge overall about OCD but not with this thought you have now. So if you could resist next time (like you said yourself, the chance is it could be tomorrow already) then try to not confess here, or ask questions you already know the answers to. Maybe not the best example but: "is it normal to get anxiety if you deny the thought". 

Edited July 15, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[hedvig]

I’m rooting for you! 

 

[Headwreck]

5 minutes ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

This is important. I resisted my absolute hardest this winter, i did everything i could to resist, i had constant panic for atleast 3 weeks, i feelt like i had a panicattack most of the day. It was awful. 

Headwreck, at this point you need to make a choose, there are some boundaries when it comes to all of this, atleast i have them going for myself. I really really try my absolute hardest to listen to people who i respect, so if i confess something here when i am panicking i try my hardest to listen. There have to be someone you respect when it comes to OCD, may it be Polarbear or someone else. With "respect" i mean that person's authority on the matter of OCD. Another one is to bring in other people in the compulsions. 

My honest advice to you would be to make a choose when it comes to using the internet (not only forums) either you keep on using it to research all of this with the intention to change or maybe you should take a break from all of it. I think you do have the knowledge when it comes to OCD, you don't need more to resolve this specific thought you have, maybe you need knowledge overall about OCD but not with this thought you have now. So if you could resist next time (like you said yourself, the chance is it could be tomorrow already) then try to not confess here, or ask questions you already know the answers to. Maybe not the best example but: "is it normal to get anxiety if you deny the thought". 

After you resisted in the winter, what happened with your obsession? Did it go?

You are right about the use of the internet. I am going to stop searching Google about OCD because I do that to reassure myself. I'm also going to ask myself my intention for posting before I post anything here and resist when I am in panic mode.

I respect everyone here and thankful for all the advice you all offer, but when in the midst of a worry it is hard to take and implement the advice given because it just doesn't feel like it fits.

[Headwreck]

16 minutes ago, hedvig said:

I’m rooting for you! 

 

Thanks for your support Hedvig, it means a lot x

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

25 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

After you resisted in the winter, what happened with your obsession? Did it go?

You are right about the use of the internet. I am going to stop searching Google about OCD because I do that to reassure myself. I'm also going to ask myself my intention for posting before I post anything here and resist when I am in panic mode.

I respect everyone here and thankful for all the advice you all offer, but when in the midst of a worry it is hard to take and implement the advice given because it just doesn't feel like it fits.

What happened to your last real-event/false-memory/pure-o? You said  before it decreased and you wish that you could have it back instead of this. So i guess that is the answer. BUT we can not know, and i don't think you can neither. I use to give the advice to people who ruminate about something that she/he needs to give it a break AND THEN ask themselves about the memory. Your judgement is to clouded by feelings at this point. 

Yes googling about OCD is very bad in your situation, it's an obvious compulsion.  

Yes i know i know, the sad thing is that it is in the anxietyfilled-state that you need to resist, resisting after you have gotten reassured is easy peasy. It's a walk in the park, and that is why it doesn't make any difference. It is what you do when you have the anxiety which counts. It is when you have anxiety that you turn to compulsions. 
Write on a paper what you should do next time and read it before you use google or confess next time, read it over and over again. 

And i would like to give you a tips! Read Polarbear's advices before you post something here the next time (maybe tomorrow) in a state of anxiety.

 

Hope you don't find tomorrow to dreadful, when it comes to your work. My last post for the day. Take care and try to get some sleep before you go to work, but not the whole world if you don't, i find that my mind ease a little bit when i am sleep-deprived, so it is not the whole world if you don't. hehe Take care!

Edited July 15, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[Headwreck]

16 minutes ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

What happened to your last real-event/false-memory/pure-o? You said  before it decreased and you wish that you could have it back instead of this. So i guess that is the answer. BUT we can not know, and i don't think you can neither. I use to give the advice to people who ruminate about something that she/he needs to give it a break AND THEN ask themselves about the memory. Your judgement is to clouded by feelings at this point. 

Yes googling about OCD is very bad in your situation, it's an obvious compulsion.  

Yes i know i know, the sad thing is that it is in the anxietyfilled-state that you need to resist, resisting after you have gotten reassured is easy peasy. It's a walk in the park, and that is why it doesn't make any difference. It is what you do when you have the anxiety which counts. It is when you have anxiety that you turn to compulsions. 
Write on a paper what you should do next time and read it before you use google or confess next time, read it over and over again. 

And i would like to give you a tips! Read Polarbear's advice before you post something here the next time (maybe tomorrowi) in a state of anxiety.

 

Hope you don't find tomorrow to dreadful, when it comes to your work. My last post for the day. Take care and try to get some sleep before you go to work, but not the whole world if you don't, i find that my mind ease a little bit when i am sleep-deprived, so it is not the whole world if you don't. hehe  Take care!

Thanks OCDhavenobrain for your help. I am going to keep this thread handy for when I start playing up tomorrow. Think I slept too much on my week off work so wide awake now oh well! Goodnight and thanks again.

[Headwreck]

And I failed. Resisted searching OCD and coming here but instead ended up getting so worked up I broke down in work and called my partner to confess and try to break up because the feeling was too much. He won't listen anymore, he says it is bull, and says the story changes all the time, that it is making his life hell. And now I feel more relaxed and willing to socialise with people even though the belief and thoughts are still there so obviously not good. I am useless. It is obviously the anxiety making me act as when I'm not as anxious at night I can get on with it. Why do I have to have this, why can't I have something normal and manageable?

Edited July 16, 2018 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

I'll try again. It's the first time I've confessed to him in a while so cutting out the internet has caused it I guess?