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Hi Headwreck, did your therapist ever teach you any relaxation techniques for when the anxiety and/or OCD were high? Mine taught me some breathing exercises, some exercises where you kind of tense your muscles then release and also some exercises where I had to notice things or sounds around the room, a bit like mindfulness. They’re quite subtle so most you can do them at a desk. 

By the time I had my therapy I had been in a cycle of OCD for years, probably much like you are now. Don’t get me wrong, I still end up in a bit of a state sometimes, but no where near like I use to be. Your mind has been use to constantly analysing, ‘working things out’, worrying, arguing with itself - you’re now trying to retrain it, and it will take time, and you will have good days and bad. But you will get there :yes: 

I may have asked you this before, sorry if I have, but is it worth seeing your GP about anxiety meds? I only ask as I put off meds for years until quite recently, but they’ve calmed me down so much, so I can now use my CBT techniques the majority of the time without the anxiety taking over. 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Dragonfly said:

Hi Headwreck, did your therapist ever teach you any relaxation techniques for when the anxiety and/or OCD were high? Mine taught me some breathing exercises, some exercises where you kind of tense your muscles then release and also some exercises where I had to notice things or sounds around the room, a bit like mindfulness. They’re quite subtle so most you can do them at a desk. 

By the time I had my therapy I had been in a cycle of OCD for years, probably much like you are now. Don’t get me wrong, I still end up in a bit of a state sometimes, but no where near like I use to be. Your mind has been use to constantly analysing, ‘working things out’, worrying, arguing with itself - you’re now trying to retrain it, and it will take time, and you will have good days and bad. But you will get there :yes: 

I may have asked you this before, sorry if I have, but is it worth seeing your GP about anxiety meds? I only ask as I put off meds for years until quite recently, but they’ve calmed me down so much, so I can now use my CBT techniques the majority of the time without the anxiety taking over. 

 

 

Hi Dragonfly.

My therapist showed me breathing techniques for when my anxiety was quite bad at the start and my chest felt tight literally all day every day. That's gone now. He also showed me the "five things" which I think you touched upon ie notice five things, feel five things, hear five things. I've not heard about the tensing one though, anything I can do at my desk at work would be helpful but when I'm so heavy in thought it's difficult to try to do anything but think and panic.

It is very difficult to retrain. When I am calmer I still have the belief etc but I can also see that everything I am doing looks so much like OCD to everybody else, I just can't feel that. I see similarities in how I am with this and how I was with my last big obsession too. My partner says this whole thing stinks of OCD and is exactly how I was acting when I was accusing him for years. It's ruining his life.

I'm always happy to hear when people say they've got out the other side, really good to hear that you are a lot better than you used to be. The difference you feel in your mind must be like night and day! 

I'm not on medication no, I have tried several in the past but came off them due to the side effects. I am considering visiting the GP about the medication again but I need to wait out to hear back from something important first and see which way it goes. I have clinical depression so was told I'd be on medication for life and that didn't bode well for me, that was before the OCD struck me down again so guess the outlook is still as bleak on that front.

 

Edited by Headwreck
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20 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I'm sorry. I am a hypocrite, but I just can't get away from this. I am absolutely obsessed with it 1000% I can't leave it alone. It's all I think about every day even when I'm not thinking about it, if that makes sense. Keep wishing I could obsess over my partner again even though that was the end of the world when I was doing that too.

But anyway thanks for the support, I appreciate it (even if it does seem like I ignore everything people say I really don't mean it). I hope you are feeling better!x

Thank you Headwreck I’m feeling better than I was but it’s not quite as easy to just turn things back around to where I was before this, if only it was that simple we would all be cured in no time at all. 

Your not an hypocrite at all you was offering help and support to another sufferer, sometimes we can give great advice to a fellow  sufferer even when we can’t always put into practice the same advice ourselves.

I don’t think you ignore people at all I just think you are struggling to put into practice the advice you are being given and there is a difference, it takes lots and lots of practice and every time you fall you have to pick yourself up and start again time and time again. Don’t be so hard on yourself eventually you will be suprised and something will just click into place x 

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I was reluctant to start with medication as well. Actually I continued to have the same thoughts about using meds for a long time, that I was weak and that stopping the meds would mean I was recovered and done with the OCD. I think I was (and maybe still am to some point) feeling ashamed of taking them. But when I came off the meds during my pregnancy, the OCD flared up and became really bad. So I’m back on them now and my doctor says I might need to take them for a long time. It kind of scares me, but right now it feels like a good choice because I really don’t want to be in the place where I was earlier and the meds really seem to keep my mood more balanced and make it easier for me to apply strategies I learnt in CBT. It might be a good idea for you to give it a try again.

Edited by hedvig
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Guest OCDhavenobrain
17 minutes ago, lostinme said:

Thank you Headwreck I’m feeling better than I was but it’s not quite as easy to just turn things back around to where I was before this, if only it was that simple we would all be cured in no time at all. 

Your not an hypocrite at all you was offering help and support to another sufferer, sometimes we can give great advice to a fellow  sufferer even when we can’t always put into practice the same advice ourselves.

I don’t think you ignore people at all I just think you are struggling to put into practice the advice you are being given and there is a difference, it takes lots and lots of practice and every time you fall you have to pick yourself up and start again time and time again. Don’t be so hard on yourself eventually you will be suprised and something will just click into place x 

Could you explain this for me, i am just curious :)

I saw in your other thread that you need to go another 2 years, do not get to stuck in that notion. Generally it is said that the longer you have obsessed the longer it will take to recover, another person i know says that it takes half the time to recover but up to a point (1year). I just wanted to say that. 

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1 minute ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

Could you explain this for me, i am just curious :)

I saw in your other thread that you need to go another 2 years, do not get to stuck in that notion. Generally it is said that the longer you have obsessed the longer it will take to recover, another person i know says that it takes half the time to recover but up to a point (1year). I just wanted to say that. 

Now I’m confused :lol: can you tell me when I said this please? 

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Guest OCDhavenobrain
Just now, lostinme said:

Now I’m confused :lol: can you tell me when I said this please? 

Sorry but i just want to make sure that you don't think your gains are lost because of some small dip.

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5 minutes ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

Sorry but i just want to make sure that you don't think your gains are lost because of some small dip.

Oh I see now you mean from my previous thread when I revealed one of my greatest obsessions?

No what I meant was that’s how I felt that the two years hard work had been wasted and I felt I was back to square one again because I believed that I had acted upon my obsession. So for a few weeks it was really bad and I avoided doing everything in fear I was capable of acting on them. Luckily after sharing this very embarrassing one that I had dreaded sharing im slowly taking all the great advice recieved on board and mulling things over( the cognitive thinking) and slowly rebuilding on the behavioural side again too. What I meant is that I can’t just get straight back into where I left off before this, because I now have to work through this one too because now I face this as another doubt. So slowly I have to work through this and regain my confidence again step by step. Started again today and I’ve made two cups of tea so slowly getting back on track again :)

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On 16/07/2018 at 19:17, Headwreck said:

Hi Dragonfly.

My therapist showed me breathing techniques for when my anxiety was quite bad at the start and my chest felt tight literally all day every day. That's gone now. He also showed me the "five things" which I think you touched upon ie notice five things, feel five things, hear five things. I've not heard about the tensing one though, anything I can do at my desk at work would be helpful but when I'm so heavy in thought it's difficult to try to do anything but think and panic.

It is very difficult to retrain. When I am calmer I still have the belief etc but I can also see that everything I am doing looks so much like OCD to everybody else, I just can't feel that. I see similarities in how I am with this and how I was with my last big obsession too. My partner says this whole thing stinks of OCD and is exactly how I was acting when I was accusing him for years. It's ruining his life.

I'm always happy to hear when people say they've got out the other side, really good to hear that you are a lot better than you used to be. The difference you feel in your mind must be like night and day! 

I'm not on medication no, I have tried several in the past but came off them due to the side effects. I am considering visiting the GP about the medication again but I need to wait out to hear back from something important first and see which way it goes. I have clinical depression so was told I'd be on medication for life and that didn't bode well for me, that was before the OCD struck me down again so guess the outlook is still as bleak on that front.

 

Hi Headwreck, 

The exercise my therapist taught me was to kind of tense the muscles in my legs first of all, then  relax them slowly and breathe slowly, then do the same with my arms and shoulders. It really does help me. 

I really think you should speak again to your gp and go through with them whatever it is you’re waiting on. I hate to think what I’d be like now if I hadn’t got my anxiety down. 

Headwreck when I first met my husband the cheating theme was terrible for me too. My boyfriend before him was very controlling and jealous, so I think that may have heightened my OCD, but when I met my husband I was so happy, so the OCD just attacked what I was holding dear. I had a few times where I ‘confessed’ to my husband that I thought I may have done something when I’d been on nights out and sometimes I’d be sitting watching tv and I’d suddenly start on about one of those again to him, even though some time had passed!! - What you describe really does remind me of my dark days then. It really is all OCD and I know it’s so so hard, but somehow you need to find a way of not trying to figure it all out, because the more you try the more you won’t be able to, it just confuses our minds more. This is where the gp may be able to help you x

Edited by Dragonfly
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9 minutes ago, Dragonfly said:

Hi Headwreck, 

The exercise my therapist taught me was to kind of tense the muscles in my legs first of all, then  relax them slowly and breathe slowly, then do the same with my arms and shoulders. It really does help me. 

I really think you should speak again to your gp and go through with them whatever it is you’re waiting on. I hate to think what I’d be like now if I hadn’t got my anxiety down. 

Headwreck when I first met my husband the cheating theme was terrible for me too. My boyfriend before him was very controlling and jealous, so I think that may have heightened my OCD, but when I met my husband I was so happy, so the OCD just attacked what I was holding dear. I had a few times where I ‘confessed’ to my husband that I thought I may have done something when I’d been on nights out and sometimes I’d be sitting watching tv and I’d suddenly start on about one of those again to him, even though some time had passed!! - What you describe really does remind me of my dark days then. It really is all OCD and I know it’s so so hard, but somehow you need to find a way of not trying to figure it all out, because the more you try the more you won’t be able to, it just confuses our minds more. This is where the gp may be able to help you x

Thanks Dragonfly. It really is excruciating, I never really understood how much mental and emotional pain can hurt until the past few years. I will try the exercise you mentioned, thank you again for sharing ?

Unfortunately if I flag this up with my GP and it goes on my medical records then my new possible career will go down the pan. It's a horrible predicament but I can't throw away a career I've always wanted for this, it's robbed me of enough already.x

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Hi Headwreck,

I am sorry your struggling so much, this is a theme I have struggled with myself at times. When you mention something about your medical records and a job, is this job decision imminent? also once you hear about the job would you then be able to speak to your GP about it? whatever the outcome?

I am wondering how long you have to potentially wait for some possible help on this?

Its a fine balance of course if this job is something you really want to do - but your clearly under a lot of stress and ruminating badly and if something could help you in anyway then that is surely worth considering?

From what I understand you have had private CBT, what is the CBT like NHS wise in your area?

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16 minutes ago, Avo said:

Hi Headwreck,

I am sorry your struggling so much, this is a theme I have struggled with myself at times. When you mention something about your medical records and a job, is this job decision imminent? also once you hear about the job would you then be able to speak to your GP about it? whatever the outcome?

I am wondering how long you have to potentially wait for some possible help on this?

Its a fine balance of course if this job is something you really want to do - but your clearly under a lot of stress and ruminating badly and if something could help you in anyway then that is surely worth considering?

From what I understand you have had private CBT, what is the CBT like NHS wise in your area?

Hi Avo.

It could be upwards of 6 months. If all goes well at this very last stage that is, this part is out of my hands. If it goes well then it means I can't visit the GP. If it falls through then I can see the GP. Part of me thinks I might just have to ruin the opportunity and go to the Dr.

I'm struggling immensely now. It's like it's a brand new obsession because it's shifted to me kissing and to the first half of the night where I don't remember anything at all. I was convinced for a long time it was sexual but now I don't think it was. But everything I tell my partner, even true stuff like the flirting, he does not believe. This scares me as him not believing smaller things like that indicates to me that it being true means I've kissed him in the long run of it. My chest has been tight all day and been crying constantly, again just like the beginning of all this.

CBT here isn't very good choice wise, I struggled to find my therapist and he was good but I can't afford to keep going.

 

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I'm in a really bad way.

My partner has told me to take control back from my mind and stop thinking about it. But I feel I'm being dishonest and sneaky if I don't think about it. It feels 100% true, it's all a mish mash of thoughts and I have no recollection of the start of the night because I drank so much so how will I ever know? He said just try and give it a year or so and revisit with a clear head. It's too difficult.

I've contacted my old therapist. Not sure if there is a correlation between stopping therapy and this.

Edited by Headwreck
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How am I meant to just say this is OCD when there is so much proof? Maybe I've just been in denial all the time I said I was innocent or maybe I was too preoccupied by the other obsession. I just don't know how I am meant to forget, my head is a mess with evidence saying I did it.

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Sorry to hear your in such a bad way headwreck, I am sure you know this but the more you ruminate over this the worse and worse you will feel. The only way out of this is to break this ruminating. You have been analysing for so long and are still unsure.

Certainty is something that you crave but its about trying to accept we can't be 100% certain-  the more you try and think yourself to that certainty the less sure you will feel. I think contacting your therapist may be a good move - money permitting.  Our mental health is so important, the job is clearly important to you - should you be successful would you be able to see your GP?

 

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1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

I'm in a really bad way.

My partner has told me to take control back from my mind and stop thinking about it. But I feel I'm being dishonest and sneaky if I don't think about it. It feels 100% true, it's all a mish mash of thoughts and I have no recollection of the start of the night because I drank so much so how will I ever know? He said just try and give it a year or so and revisit with a clear head. It's too difficult.

I've contacted my old therapist. Not sure if there is a correlation between stopping therapy and this.

Thinking about it does absolutely no good. Surely you can see that. You've thought hard about this for nine months and it's got you absolutely nowhere.

Edited by PolarBear
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47 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

How am I meant to just say this is OCD when there is so much proof? Maybe I've just been in denial all the time I said I was innocent or maybe I was too preoccupied by the other obsession. I just don't know how I am meant to forget, my head is a mess with evidence saying I did it.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. I have told you repeatedly that you have NO evidence you did anything wrong. Zero. None. Nada. Zip.

I've read every single one of your posts. You have not provided one shred of evidence.

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

Its good you are going back to yoyr therapis. You need it. 

 

Like i said before this isyour priority now. I dont want to scare you but OCD have a tendency to obly getting worse if not challenged

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

I'm in a really bad way.

My partner has told me to take control back from my mind and stop thinking about it. But I feel I'm being dishonest and sneaky if I don't think about it. It feels 100% true, it's all a mish mash of thoughts and I have no recollection of the start of the night because I drank so much so how will I ever know? He said just try and give it a year or so and revisit with a clear head. It's too difficult.

I've contacted my old therapist. Not sure if there is a correlation between stopping therapy and this.

Feeling dishonest and sneaky if you don't pay it any attention absolutely smacks of OCD. I struggle with this too.

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38 minutes ago, Avo said:

Sorry to hear your in such a bad way headwreck, I am sure you know this but the more you ruminate over this the worse and worse you will feel. The only way out of this is to break this ruminating. You have been analysing for so long and are still unsure.

Certainty is something that you crave but its about trying to accept we can't be 100% certain-  the more you try and think yourself to that certainty the less sure you will feel. I think contacting your therapist may be a good move - money permitting.  Our mental health is so important, the job is clearly important to you - should you be successful would you be able to see your GP?

 

Thanks Avo. If I'm successful then I deffo can't visit my GP as it's paramount to be fit and well and this will probably cost me it all. As it stands I don't think I could do it anyway as my emotional state is is poor, I can't even do a full day in work without crying. Think work is a stressor and it's not even particularly stressful, I just don't fit in there. But I could never not work etc because I think I'd be even worse.

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1 hour ago, Skullpops said:

Feeling dishonest and sneaky if you don't pay it any attention absolutely smacks of OCD. I struggle with this too.

Thanks Skullpops, I've seen others say the same too. Everyone keeps telling me it's OCD but how is everyone so sure? Anyone else without OCD in my predicament would surely react the same, I've heard people who get too drunk and worry they did something. It's my own stupid fault I'm in this mess.

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Guest OCDhavenobrain
8 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Thanks Skullpops, I've seen others say the same too. Everyone keeps telling me it's OCD but how is everyone so sure? Anyone else without OCD in my predicament would surely react the same, I've heard people who get too drunk and worry they did something. It's my own stupid fault I'm in this mess.

Nobody can be sure. What we are saying is that you seems to have OCD, or you have OCD. And OCD is capable of twisting pretty much anything, so you need to get this out of the way before you can judge if this event really did happen. But you are right, we can't know. 

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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15 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Thanks Skullpops, I've seen others say the same too. Everyone keeps telling me it's OCD but how is everyone so sure? Anyone else without OCD in my predicament would surely react the same, I've heard people who get too drunk and worry they did something. It's my own stupid fault I'm in this mess.

Again, classic OCD. "How can everyone be so sure?" 

I repeated that very sentence day in, day out when I was in hospital. I needed absolute certainty. I realise now *I* don't need absolute certainty...OCD does. It demands nothing less than absolute certainty. Our obsessions centre around what we hold dear, our morals and values, so without even having met you, I can tell you that you're a loyal partner who loves your other half dearly. 

"Ah I've tricked her and she thinks I've got OCD, now she's trying to help and I don't deserve it."

"I can see all these other folks have OCD but what if I don't?"

"I'm sneaky and devious."

"If only they knew the truth." 

^^^ Your mind is doing all ^ that now right? 

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13 minutes ago, Skullpops said:

Again, classic OCD. "How can everyone be so sure?" 

I repeated that very sentence day in, day out when I was in hospital. I needed absolute certainty. I realise now *I* don't need absolute certainty...OCD does. It demands nothing less than absolute certainty. Our obsessions centre around what we hold dear, our morals and values, so without even having met you, I can tell you that you're a loyal partner who loves your other half dearly. 

"Ah I've tricked her and she thinks I've got OCD, now she's trying to help and I don't deserve it."

"I can see all these other folks have OCD but what if I don't?"

"I'm sneaky and devious."

"If only they knew the truth." 

^^^ Your mind is doing all ^ that now right? 

Well definitely the "I've tricked people into thinking I have OCD". I think that all the time and then I try and give as much info as possible so they don't get the wrong idea, I suppose I wait for them to say "ah you didn't tell me that bit. Yeah I take it back, you're just a dirty dog actually." I also think I read stuff online about OCD and start doing it so that I seem like I have OCD.

No angel by any means but didn't think I'd be capable of physically cheating.

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