Can't cope anymore.

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Good of you to contact the therapist. I really hope you with the help of her/him can find the strength to make a change before it gets out of hand. You are still living the life to some extent, you have a partner and you are working. That is great. But also be aware of how this can go out of control if you let it. So please take it as serious as you can and go through with the therapist.

Edited July 18, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[Headwreck]

My therapist can't see me until next week. I was hoping for something sooner as I've really regressed over the past week.

I know the guy said "he felt like kissing me all night" or something like that after the night out, on a text the next day I think. Now I'm thinking that he must have kissed me once and then wanted to keep doing it all night and I misunderstood it. How did I misinterpret that? Does this sound silly? I was doubting the text even existed a few months ago and before then thought I had lied about it. I don't feel very anxious right now even though this is in my mind and bugging me but I know tomorrow I am going to be hit with this big style.

[PolarBear]

Your second paragraph above is you ruminating, again. You kust keep going over it again and again.

We don't need to know any more details. None

 Give it a rest.

Edited July 18, 2018 by PolarBear

[Headwreck]

I've chosen to believe I've done it as there is too much saying I did and I remember sitting close to this guy and that probably lead to kissing as we kept looking at each other in that way. The fact that kissing was mentioned the next day as well. If nothing happened kiss wise then it wouldn't have been mentioned. I do think OCD is at play here but believe it has latched onto guilt from a real event.

I told my partner as I cannot live with it. He said he doesn't want to know. He said if I know something then keep it to myself, if it comes out ie someone tells him then that's when we split but he said he will never find out as the people don't know him anyway.

So I felt relieved for a period and happy, I had done this but I could just forget that it happened. Now I feel it's unfair on him to have to ignore this and live a lie. What am I meant to do?

Edited July 19, 2018 by Headwreck

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Accept that what he says is what he really wants. 

You know objectively in all of this cheating that you think you have done do you confess to him which he has said he doesn't want you to. No  matter if you have or not cheated this is areal obstacle for your relationship. I know it is hard to see sometimes but sometimes our OCD can make our relationships to other people different. I know that we think that our life is kinda on pause when we have those periods but it is sadly not the case. 

Edited July 19, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[Headwreck]

Today has been hell. I don't know what to think anymore. My head is a mess. I don't feel like I know anything. But I can't keep living this way, neither can my partner. The text after the night out was the only thing keeping me thinking it wasn't true. But the text mentioned a kiss how he wanted to kiss me all night. So I guess we had already kissed once and he wanted to keep doing so. I remember sitting close to him on the floor and looking at each other all the time but then no memory after. He shook my hand at the end of the night but I think was due to someone else being in the room.

This relationship is toxic for us both, my partner is becoming increasingly depressed. I don't know if I kissed this person, I note someone mentioned use probability as part of the recovery, the probability is quite high in this instance. I was drunk and had it in my mind to cheat, what was stopping me. It may not seem like a big deal to anyone but it is my life, my partner's life, ruined.

I've gone out on my own. I decided to go to the train station to think. Escaping this life has been on my mind a lot it's too much every day. I will see how I feel in a few hours but I hope I decide to not return home tonight.

Edited July 19, 2018 by Headwreck

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Good of you to go outisde instead of staying inside. But instead of taking your life let this motivate you to get over all of this. And if you truly think about taking your life you need to go and tell someone. I guess you have those emergency units in UK just like here.

To me it seems to be very clear that you are getting worse in combination with you  just ruminating more and more and more. Your anxiety is just increasing from all the analyzing. 

Edited July 19, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[Headwreck]

1 minute ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

Good that you are going outisde instead of staying inside. But instead of taking your life let this motivate you to get over all of this. And if you truly think about taking your life you need to go and tell someone. I guess you have those emergency units in UK just like here.

To me it seems to be very clear that you are getting worse in combination with you  just ruminating more and more and more. Your anxiety is just increasing from all the analyzing. 

I don't have anyone to contact and my partner has not asked why I left or bothered to check where I've gone. Unfortunately I don't know what else is left at this point. I put myself in this situation and come here looking for advice like a victim. I always knew I was not a good person but this has shown me how I am rotten to the core.

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

17 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

I don't have anyone to contact and my partner has not asked why I left or bothered to check where I've gone. Unfortunately I don't know what else is left at this point. I put myself in this situation and come here looking for advice like a victim. I always knew I was not a good person but this has shown me how I am rotten to the core.

I meant the hospital. I wouldn't analyze too much why he didn't ask if i where you. 

What is left is that you have the chance to get better if you choose to take on the anxiety shortterm in exchange to longterm gains. If not you only can hope for it to go away on its own, and getting replaced with another theme which will feel just as real. 

To me on the outside it doesn't make any sense at all, you are considering taking your own life because you have let your partner down, because that is much much worse than confessing to him even if he has said he don't want to hear and then you are killing yourself? 

Walk to the hospital if you are serious about ending it with  taking your own life, I promise you that would be a really bad choice in your situation.

Edited July 19, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[Avo]

 would you consider ringing the Samaritans? I have used them a couple of times over the years. It's someone to hear you and listen. In the grips of OCD life can seem rotten, but it can get better many on here are testament to that. 

Why not give the Samaritans a try? it may help ease things it can be quite good speaking to someone you don't know sometimes.

[Headwreck]

But they can't tell me what to do and theu cant tell me if I'm a bad person or not I don't think this is ocd now I think it is just massive guilt

I can't stop crying anyway so will just be me crying to a phone

[Avo]

I have been in tears too when speaking to them -  they don't judge, just listen. . I think you should consider it, it would be a neutral perspective it may just give you that little bit of support you need at this moment.

[Avo]

I have to log off now but hopefully others can assist if you need it. Try and remember things can get better, recovery is possible.!

[Headwreck]

Thank you Avo I tried to call them but was crying too much and people were looking at me. I don't know what I'm going to do, my life is a trainwreck.

[Headwreck]

How can I think for 8 months that it was sexual and now think that the memories are irrelevant and that there is no proof of that so instead think it was a kiss? And sometimes very rarely be in a euphoric mood and say it mustn't have happened? 

I have forced myself to not think about this for one hour because I want peace. No techniques or anything, just no I am not thinking about it for once. I know that's against the rules but I need a break from it. I did it probably but I don't deserve this forever I just want peace. I don't mean to be a horrible person, I made a terrible mistake and I'm trying to do the right thing by owning up but I'm being treated like I'm insane and being told I will be responsible for ruining someone else's life if I go.

Edited July 19, 2018 by Headwreck

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Good job. That hour was the only thing right in all of this, even if it feelt wrong to do. Nothing wrong in not using techniques. 

Edited July 19, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[Headwreck]

It was nice. I don't remember the last time I didn't think about it. I feel like I'm hiding something if I don't think about it. But right at that moment I had to give myself a break I just needed some peace. Decided to walk home now but know the hell and the pain will be back tomorrow. Too chicken to even end it for good.

Edited July 19, 2018 by Headwreck

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

20 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

It was nice. I don't remember the last time I didn't think about it, I do still feel I've done it though and that still hangs around. I feel like I'm hiding something if I don't think about it. Decided to walk home now but know the hell and the pain will be back tomorrow. Too chicken to even just end it for good.

Ending it for good would be bad and your partner would feel guilty and sad for real.

Yes it still feels as real as before but atleast you resisted it and you didn't feed it so it could grow even bigger, and if you are doing the right thing enough of the time eventually it will get less powerful. 

I wish i could say that it will be gone by tomorrow but you are right. Only way it could be gone by tomorrow is if someone gave you a videotape of the evening and that would be a very bad thing in the long run.

Edited July 19, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[Headwreck]

Wish I could always just say 'no I am not thinking about it' but the guilt and upset is too much usually. Especially at work, I think it makes me worse as I dread going in and being in there. Today I just had enough, even people who have done horrible crimes do not do this to themselves. Thanks for the support earlier.

[PolarBear]

3 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I don't have anyone to contact and my partner has not asked why I left or bothered to check where I've gone. Unfortunately I don't know what else is left at this point. I put myself in this situation and come here looking for advice like a victim. I always knew I was not a good person but this has shown me how I am rotten to the core.

Extreme negative self talk that is way out of line compared to the possible misdeed. A kiss does not have to ruin anyone's life. That is far too dramatic, all or nothing thinking. And you stoll don't know if you kissed anyone. And never will.

[PolarBear]

1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

How can I think for 8 months that it was sexual and now think that the memories are irrelevant and that there is no proof of that so instead think it was a kiss? And sometimes very rarely be in a euphoric mood and say it mustn't have happened? 

I have forced myself to not think about this for one hour because I want peace. No techniques or anything, just no I am not thinking about it for once. I know that's against the rules but I need a break from it. I did it probably but I don't deserve this forever I just want peace. I don't mean to be a horrible person, I made a terrible mistake and I'm trying to do the right thing by owning up but I'm being treated like I'm insane and being told I will be responsible for ruining someone else's life if I go.

There's no place for guilt trips when it comes to a mental disorder.

[hedvig]

Headwreck, you must start challenging the binary thinking that causes you such distress. You say you are no angel but never thought you’d be capable of cheating. This suggests that people are divided into two categories, cheats and people who would never make such a mistake. That you are either or. But this is not really how you’d want to categorize people, right? Life isn’t like that. People make mistakes, it doesn’t make them good or bad. Also it seems like you have an idea that there is a spectra between good and bad, and you are placing yourself far off on that calling yourself things like ”dirty dog”, ”rotten” and whatnot. It’s like you committed a terrible crime. It’s just so out of line, you just can’t keep doing this to yourself. 

Edited July 19, 2018 by hedvig

[Headwreck]

But most people go through life and resist that sort of thing? That is why I separate the two as cheats and non cheats. Then also people say "once a cheat always a cheat etc etc" so I think I will have to tell people I have done this if I end up single now but I don't think I want a relationship again after all this it's much easier to be alone.

The night out is only part of it, me and this man were texting for a few months too. But nothing sexual it was all just flirty but I told my partner about all of this a year later along with telling him about the night out. I guess that means it was an affair. So does this mean I am a bad person? I don't know if many people who done what I did would feel how I feel but I am ashamed and disgusted. I don't want to be a horrible person but I have been one to my partner, all because I thought he cheated which now that whole idea has just disappeared after dominating my life for years. That caused me to end up on train tracks too.

[hedvig]

1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

But most people go through life and resist that sort of thing? That is why I separate the two as cheats and non cheats. Then also people say "once a cheat always a cheat etc etc" so I think I will have to tell people I have done this if I end up single now but I don't think I want a relationship again after all this it's much easier to be alone.

This is all binary thinking. It is what caused me to develop this obsession. It was my absolute biggest fear, that I’d do it again and that having done it once meant I was bad. But it’s not true. People make mistakes and learn from it, it is called living. Perhaps it is better that someone else steps in and tries to offer more advice on how to deal with this cognitively, as I feel that in your eyes I’m just one of those rotten people judging by this idea that ”once a cheat always a cheat”. I know that this isn’t how I want to judge myself and others but I have to admit that taking in what you’re saying is still affecting me so maybe it is not healthy for me to stay on this thread. I know it is the OCD blowing it up like this but you have the power to choose how you want to view the world, your fellowmen and yourself. 

Edited July 20, 2018 by hedvig

[hedvig]

Or I guess it is a good way of exposing myself to my fears.  That I’m forever going to be bad, a cheat, a dirty dog in the eyes of others. At least the part of the population that don’t want to see the person behind her wrongdoing and the grey areas we’re all floating around in.