Serious depression - world getting smaller

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

Hey all,

My ocd seems to be getting worse daily. I'm too scared to even leave my bedroom except for the toilet and food, and one of my parents has to be in the house at all times. We argue all the time due to the stress my ocd is causing them when we're together so it's easier to be on my own. I feel like such a burden on them.

The cmht crisis team are involved and are hopefully trying to push through my case as urgent for the cmht. They were meant to review my case on Thurs but didn't get round to it this week but hopefully will next week. I'm hoping I'll get an urgent psychiatric appt, but even that means weeks of waiting.

I've got no professional support - my therapist was 50 miles away and it's become too hard to see her and she doesn't do skype sessions so we've had to stop our sessions. Anxiety UK have classed my ocd as too severe and complex for their therapists to be able to help me. NHS cbt waiting lists are a year and their therapists are on the whole mostly useless and unable to deal with ocd.

I'm constantly terrified and feel so alone. I have nothing to live for. The ocd is so severe that i honestly can't see it getting better to a point where I can lead a normal life. Even when my ocd was "manageable", it still greatly interfered in my everyday life and deeply troubled me at the very core of my being and destroyed any sense of self-worth.

For 20 years, I've never been able to accept that I could have such thoughts and the fears that I could act on them, and what they say about me as a person.  I hate myself, especially for the harm ocd thoughts. I think I'm a disgusting, unloveable, vile person who deserves to be ostracised and vilified.

The only way I gained any sense of self-worth was through my successful career - but I lost that 2 years ago due to a severe ocd breakdown and haven't been able to hold down a job since due to my ocd and depression. My career has always been the most important thing in my life except for my family, so losing that has destroyed me. I can't have kids, so my career was/is everything to me.

Hospitalization isn't an option as i can't be around other people due to ocd thoughts. I tried hanging myself today with a pair of leggings tied to my door handle. Obviously it didn't work and all I've achieved is ruining a perfectly good pair of leggings. 

I don't have the energy to fight the ocd anymore. It has won. I'm exhausted. I've been researching Dignitas referrals as I'm sick of failing in my suicide attempts.

I can't take anymore. I don't know what i hope to gain from writing this post - maybe I'm just venting to people who understand, as non-ocd sufferers have no idea the hell that we go through.

What upsets me the most is that this condition is lifelong. It's never going to go away. I've had 4 major breakdowns in less than 8 years and each one has been more severe and harder to recover from than the previous. I just see my life as a continuation of this pattern until I finally manage to kill myself.

I have no hope for the future, no professional help and no will to live. I don't have the strength to go through the hell that is ERP again, but I know without it that I'll never get better. It feels like a catch-22 situation. I can't take anymore.

Thanks for listening xx

[PolarBear]

Well. Allow me to be forthright, which is how I am.

It is not true that you need to suffer endlessly for the rest of your life. That is hogwash. I suffered for nearly 40 years from a severe case of OCD. And yes, part of the problem was harm thoughts. Today I don't suffer. I haven't for about four years. It took meds, learning and a whole lot of hard work. I have OCD's number. 

The reason you are so stuck is that you have failed, up to now, to change the way you think about and behave after the thoughts. Period. You keep doing compulsions, over and over again. You think you need to do them to keep people safe but what they actually do is make your world smaller and smaller, your doubt to increase and your anxiety to go through the roof. Compulsions are the fuel that powers the OCD engine. 

You think you are doing good by staying home but that traps you. It reinforces in your mind that there really was a problem when there wasn't. OCD lies, 100% of the time.

You can start the process of recovery on your own. But be warned that you will have to make major changes to the way you think and behave.

[seekingERPnorthwest]

If you could either go willingly to hospital or be sectioned, which would you rather? Would you go to hospital if you were in a private room?

[Headwreck]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way, you have no reason to feel alone as you can always vent here to people who understand and can offer advice to guide you while you wait for treatment. 

You do not have to suffer this on your own. Please hang on, don't let this bully win. The fact that you have posted this suggests that there is some compassion for yourself and will to fight it deep down somewhere. Keep talking as much as you need x

[felix4]

2 hours ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

I have no hope for the future, no professional help and no will to live. I don't have the strength to go through the hell that is ERP again, but I know without it that I'll never get better. It feels like a catch-22 situation.

Hi,

Don't give up!

I was in a similar predicament when OCD latched onto treatment itself. It is like you paint yourself into a corner OCD wise, but there is a way out! You just need to find the right therapist, who will show you how to take the sting out of the ERP with good quality CBT!

I have had a few lots of CBT in the past with various people, (both group & one to one) and in all honesty, it was only the last lot of group therapy that things really clicked into place, and I made good progress.  

Wait and see what the cmht say, and in the meantime try and relax! 

All the best.

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

@PolarBear Thank you for your reply. With respect, I've managed previously to twice go 5 years in remission without a breakdown. But I still had a breakdown. The second was 2005. I then managed another 5 years until 2010. But then another breakdown in 2011, 2016 and now 2018. I've had cbt and erp after each breakdown, which I've followed to the letter, done the homework etc to the best of my ability. I've had very expensive private treatment from established ocd centres and therapy with a professor specialising in OCD. It just papers over the cracks and just enables me to lead a normal-ish life where I can function/work etc. But the ocd is always there and during stressful times it comes back with a vengeance until I have another breakdown, despite me applying my erp techniques. Each time, I've made major changes to the way I think and behave through cbt and erp.  My ocd just finds more and more strands to grab hold of until I'm bombarded with so many that i collapse again. I can't take anymore! I'm terrified that I'm untreatable. 

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

13 hours ago, seekingERPnorthwest said:

If you could either go willingly to hospital or be sectioned, which would you rather? Would you go to hospital if you were in a private room?

I can't be in the same building as other people atm. It's even hell being at my parents' as my dad gets cold sores so I'm thinking of a million different ways that i could get infected with herpes and am spending a lot of time every day disinfecting surfaces before touching anything and washing my hands constantly just in case. I can't have any human contact, and am constantly reassurance seeking that i haven't touched them. If my hand accidentally brushes theirs, I have to wash my hands repeatedly. So i spend most of my time in my room on my own.

I couldn't be in a place with numerous other people with unknown hiv/herpes status as i get horrendous ocd thoughts about having physical contact with people which could lead me to becoming infected with hiv/herpes. Hospitalization just isn't an option. It would be a field day for the ocd.

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

13 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way, you have no reason to feel alone as you can always vent here to people who understand and can offer advice to guide you while you wait for treatment. 

You do not have to suffer this on your own. Please hang on, don't let this bully win. The fact that you have posted this suggests that there is some compassion for yourself and will to fight it deep down somewhere. Keep talking as much as you need x

Thank you. I really do appreciate it. I feel like nobody understands- not even the professionals!! I don't know how much fight I have left. I am exhausted and have nothing left to live for. I can't live a normal life, my career is over and due to the competitive nature of the field is near-impossible to get back into. The grief I feel for that loss is enormous, even two years on. Especially as my mental health has been so bad that i haven't been able to hold down a job since. 

Employers don't want people with mental health problems. That much has become glaringly obvious over the past few years. Without a career, I have no purpose and no use. My friends all live miles away and are settling down with families so they don't have time to listen to my problems. My parents are aging and won't be here for much longer. I dread to think what will happen when they go and the only support I'll have is the NHS mental health services!! It doesn't bear thinking about. Partners leave me when I get too ill - they cant cope. If it wasnt for this forum, i would feel  completely alone.

Sorry for the pity party - I'm very depressed atm. 

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

11 hours ago, felix4 said:

Hi,

Don't give up!

I was in a similar predicament when OCD latched onto treatment itself. It is like you paint yourself into a corner OCD wise, but there is a way out! You just need to find the right therapist, who will show you how to take the sting out of the ERP with good quality CBT!

I have had a few lots of CBT in the past with various people, (both group & one to one) and in all honesty, it was only the last lot of group therapy that things really clicked into place, and I made good progress.  

Wait and see what the cmht say, and in the meantime try and relax! 

All the best.

Thank you for your reply. I've had so much therapy, both one-on-one and group, and it works in the short-term, in that i can function, but the ocd is always there. That's what I'm really struggling with - that i have these thoughts and will for the rest of my life, plus it's likely that I'll get more and more ocd strands, as my ocd has added more and more until I have another breakdown. 

I'm really at the end. I desperately wish that we had assisted euthanasia in the UK for chronic and severe mental health conditions. The MH services are less than substandard and can't cope. I don't have the money to pay for private treatment anymore as I'm now on benefits as the ocd is too severe for me to work. It just all looks very bleak.

[felix4]

16 hours ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

For 20 years, I've never been able to accept that I could have such thoughts and the fears that I could act on them, and what they say about me as a person.  I hate myself, especially for the harm ocd thoughts. I think I'm a disgusting, unloveable, vile person who deserves to be ostracised and vilified.

 

2 hours ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

That's what I'm really struggling with - that i have these thoughts and will for the rest of my life,

Hi,

Have you ever covered theory's A & B when doing CBT? If not, it might be worth looking into with regards to this type of thought!  

How about medication? Have you been prescribed any antidepressants for the OCD or depression? Sometimes they prescribe a tiny amount of antipsychotic in those that appear treatment resistant with OCD.

Like I said before, try & relax, and see what cmht can come up with.

Best wishes. 

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

38 minutes ago, felix4 said:

 

Hi,

Have you ever covered theory's A & B when doing CBT? If not, it might be worth looking into with regards to this type of thought!  

How about medication? Have you been prescribed any antidepressants for the OCD or depression? Sometimes they prescribe a tiny amount of antipsychotic in those that appear treatment resistant with OCD.

Like I said before, try & relax, and see what cmht can come up with.

Best wishes. 

Hi @felix4. I've done every variant of cbt for ocd. I've been on every medication for ocd.

I've read Break Free from Ocd but the examples it gives seem very basic and don't apply to my ocd, except the harm one. It doesn't seem to appreciate that ocd questions every little aspect of Theory B. It's presented in a very simplistic format which I could see could help those with mild-moderate ocd, but when I was following the exercises, I was questioning everything and found so many holes in Theory B that I couldn't accept it. 

The best med combo I've found was 60mg escitalopram and 74mg lurisadone, which I was put on in Australia, and which really helped.

Unfortunately, those doses are not recommended by NICE in the UK, so despite their being highly effective, no NHS psych in the UK will prescribe such high doses for me. I'm on 20mg escitaloptam atm and it's doing nothing.

Abilify gives me dreadful insomnia and akathisia and does nothing for my ocd; seroquel led me to put on 2 stone in 6 weeks with no effects on my ocd. Mirtazipine = no effect on ocd either.

I'm seriously contemplating moving back to Oz to get the meds I need. The only problem is that i can't even leave my house on my own let alone move back to the other side of the world. Bit of a catch-22, that.

I'm predicting that when I finally get to see my psych at the cmht here - who took me off the escitalopram and lurisadone when I returned from Oz in 2016 and over the next 9 months put me on Duloxetine, Venlafaxine and Sertraline before finally reverting to Seroxat which I'd been on for years - will put me on either Prozac (which I've been on before with no relief from ocd) or Luxor augmented with Abilify, as per NICE guidelines. I have very little faith in this psych. 

Prof David Veale, the top ocd psych on the country, charges £320 for a consultation. I get £92.05 a week in SSP. If I don't eat or use any utilities for 3.5 weeks, then I'll be able to afford a session with him to get the meds I need.

Got to love the NHS, hey?!?

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

3 hours ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

Hi @felix4. I've done every variant of cbt for ocd. I've been on every medication for ocd.

I've read Break Free from Ocd but the examples it gives seem very basic and don't apply to my ocd, except the harm one. It doesn't seem to appreciate that ocd questions every little aspect of Theory B. It's presented in a very simplistic format which I could see could help those with mild-moderate ocd, but when I was following the exercises, I was questioning everything and found so many holes in Theory B that I couldn't accept it. 

The best med combo I've found was 60mg escitalopram and 74mg lurisadone, which I was put on in Australia, and which really helped.

Unfortunately, those doses are not recommended by NICE in the UK, so despite their being highly effective, no NHS psych in the UK will prescribe such high doses for me. I'm on 20mg escitaloptam atm and it's doing nothing.

Abilify gives me dreadful insomnia and akathisia and does nothing for my ocd; seroquel led me to put on 2 stone in 6 weeks with no effects on my ocd. Mirtazipine = no effect on ocd either.

I'm seriously contemplating moving back to Oz to get the meds I need. The only problem is that i can't even leave my house on my own let alone move back to the other side of the world. Bit of a catch-22, that.

I'm predicting that when I finally get to see my psych at the cmht here - who took me off the escitalopram and lurisadone when I returned from Oz in 2016 and over the next 9 months put me on Duloxetine, Venlafaxine and Sertraline before finally reverting to Seroxat which I'd been on for years - will put me on either Prozac (which I've been on before with no relief from ocd) or Luxor augmented with Abilify, as per NICE guidelines. I have very little faith in this psych. 

Prof David Veale, the top ocd psych on the country, charges £320 for a consultation. I get £92.05 a week in SSP. If I don't eat or use any utilities for 3.5 weeks, then I'll be able to afford a session with him to get the meds I need.

Got to love the NHS, hey?!?

Your OCD will always tell you that you need something more. I am not an expert on "Break free from OCD" because i haven't read it but to me it sounds like a typical justification from the OCD. 

60mg escitalopram is a lot. But i do know that they generally wants to put you on high doses when you have OCD. I was on 25mg and he wanted to up it. 

Can i ask what exactly you are obsessing about, you are saying that you have severe OCD and can't overcome it, i don't buy that. I read your history and you are afraid of Herpes, i am sorry but that is not especially unique.

Edited July 16, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

1 hour ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

Can i ask what exactly you are obsessing about, you are saying that you have severe OCD and can't overcome it, i don't buy that. I read your history and you are afraid of Herpes, i am sorry but that is not especially unique.

I have 3 main strands:

1. Harming others, which started in 1998 and meant that i couldn't leave the house on my own for almost 3 years. I was in an nhs adolescent psych unit for 5 months (which was useless) and then had 18 months of private cbt/erp which got me well enough to live a normal-ish life, go to uni etc. Had a breakdown over that again in 2005. Had an intensive in-patient ERP course in 2005.

Have had these thoughts for 20 years and they still distress me greatly and mean that i can't be what I've always wanted to be - a mum.

2. Contracting HIV - had 3 breakdowns in 2010, 2011 and 2016 over low/no-risk events where I ended up each time taking PEP (given to me not out of medical necessity but due to the extreme distress I was having). Hospitalised for 3 months in 2016, then a 3-week in-patient ocd course. Then 4 months of hell each time waiting for conclusive negative test results. I still have extreme fears of stepping on needles or being infected through a cut in my skin, even though I know this is statistically highly improbable. I don't have casual partners, and only have sexual relations whilst in a committed, monogamous relationship where we've both been tested for HIV.

However, I'm still terrified that my current partner has infected me with hiv as the clinic didn't text him his results, he had to phone up for them, so I am plagued by what if's re whether he got the confirmatory test, whether they mixed up the results, whether they missed the antibodies whilst doing the test etc. I havent seen the proof, so my ocd is telling me that i have it.

I was also prescribed zopiclone for insomnia a few months ago, one of the side effects of which is sleepwalking. I woke up one morning with a water-filled blister on my arm and leg with no idea how they got there - my ocd has had a field day with this. I could have put the kettle on and accidentally splashed myself with boiling water, or i could have gone outside and been burnt by a cigarette by someone who also infected me with hiv and/or herpes. So many what if's, and the only evidence I have is that i had a water blister on my arm and leg from I don't know where or how. It's driving me insane.  

3. Genital herpes - this is the most recent manifestation from 2017. As sexual health screenings don't test for herpes, a few days after I started being intimate with my current partner, I had an outbreak of something which had all the symptoms of GH except for blisters. I went to the clinic, was swabbed and it came back negative for herpes but positive for thrush. I then kept getting outbreaks of symptoms such as itching and soreness, which I was told was not herpes but the swabs were coming back negative for thrush. Since then, I have been to the SH clinic and GP about 12 times, each time convinced it's herpes to be told it's not. But from the reading I've done, GH can come out months or even years after infection, so I'm spending hours every day checking myself for any signs of blisters. 

I'm convinced that i have HIV and GH. Life with GH would be bad enough in terms of stigma and being rejected, but life with HIV would be unbearable - whilst taking the PEP, I was terrified that i hadn't swallowed the tablets properly or had thrown them up, so I had to sit completely still as far away from a sink/toilet as possible with a towel clasped over my mouth for at least an hour to ensure the tablet had absorbed. I then had to check my surrounds for any sign of the tablet. This could take hours. I couldn't imagine doing that every day for the rest of my life. What's the worst that could happen? Well, HIV becomes drug resistant if you don't adhere to your daily meds, so I would go on to develop AIDS and/or die of an opportunistic infection. That terrifies me.  

All 3 strands of the ocd are bombarding me with thoughts 24/7 atm. I'm too scared to leave the house alone or even be downstairs on my own in case I go outside and harm someone or contract hiv/gh. I'm constantly washing and disinfecting everything and I don't even feel safe when in my bedroom as i fear doing or saying something inappropriate to the neighbours out of the window. I can't bear to be touched and my relationship with my partner is going to end as i can't see him due to the severity of the ocd thoughts.

Life is hell, it's truly unbearable. I've never had to cope with so many strands. I'm exhausted and just want to die.

Thanks for listening and being there for me xx

Edited July 16, 2018 by ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

Just woken up and have been obsessing over zopiclone incident. I've been googling the drug and it turns out that not only does it cause sleepwalking but it's used for date rape!! My ocd is now in freefall and im terrified that i was sleepwalking whilst on it and a random someone has or random people have had sex with me and infected me with hiv or herpes, or i harmed someone and I can't remember.

I'm furious with my previous psych for prescribing it for me when she knows all about my fears and must have known the side-effects and now I'm in sheer panic mode that something could have happened and I don't remember.

I'm in bits. I'm so scared! This feels like the final straw. I just cant deal with this!!

[PolarBear]

8 hours ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

I have 3 main strands:

1. Harming others, which started in 1998 and meant that i couldn't leave the house on my own for almost 3 years. I was in an nhs adolescent psych unit for 5 months (which was useless) and then had 18 months of private cbt/erp which got me well enough to live a normal-ish life, go to uni etc. Had a breakdown over that again in 2005. Had an intensive in-patient ERP course in 2005.

Have had these thoughts for 20 years and they still distress me greatly and mean that i can't be what I've always wanted to be - a mum.

2. Contracting HIV - had 3 breakdowns in 2010, 2011 and 2016 over low/no-risk events where I ended up each time taking PEP (given to me not out of medical necessity but due to the extreme distress I was having). Hospitalised for 3 months in 2016, then a 3-week in-patient ocd course. Then 4 months of hell each time waiting for conclusive negative test results. I still have extreme fears of stepping on needles or being infected through a cut in my skin, even though I know this is statistically highly improbable. I don't have casual partners, and only have sexual relations whilst in a committed, monogamous relationship where we've both been tested for HIV.

However, I'm still terrified that my current partner has infected me with hiv as the clinic didn't text him his results, he had to phone up for them, so I am plagued by what if's re whether he got the confirmatory test, whether they mixed up the results, whether they missed the antibodies whilst doing the test etc. I havent seen the proof, so my ocd is telling me that i have it.

I was also prescribed zopiclone for insomnia a few months ago, one of the side effects of which is sleepwalking. I woke up one morning with a water-filled blister on my arm and leg with no idea how they got there - my ocd has had a field day with this. I could have put the kettle on and accidentally splashed myself with boiling water, or i could have gone outside and been burnt by a cigarette by someone who also infected me with hiv and/or herpes. So many what if's, and the only evidence I have is that i had a water blister on my arm and leg from I don't know where or how. It's driving me insane.  

3. Genital herpes - this is the most recent manifestation from 2017. As sexual health screenings don't test for herpes, a few days after I started being intimate with my current partner, I had an outbreak of something which had all the symptoms of GH except for blisters. I went to the clinic, was swabbed and it came back negative for herpes but positive for thrush. I then kept getting outbreaks of symptoms such as itching and soreness, which I was told was not herpes but the swabs were coming back negative for thrush. Since then, I have been to the SH clinic and GP about 12 times, each time convinced it's herpes to be told it's not. But from the reading I've done, GH can come out months or even years after infection, so I'm spending hours every day checking myself for any signs of blisters. 

I'm convinced that i have HIV and GH. Life with GH would be bad enough in terms of stigma and being rejected, but life with HIV would be unbearable - whilst taking the PEP, I was terrified that i hadn't swallowed the tablets properly or had thrown them up, so I had to sit completely still as far away from a sink/toilet as possible with a towel clasped over my mouth for at least an hour to ensure the tablet had absorbed. I then had to check my surrounds for any sign of the tablet. This could take hours. I couldn't imagine doing that every day for the rest of my life. What's the worst that could happen? Well, HIV becomes drug resistant if you don't adhere to your daily meds, so I would go on to develop AIDS and/or die of an opportunistic infection. That terrifies me.  

All 3 strands of the ocd are bombarding me with thoughts 24/7 atm. I'm too scared to leave the house alone or even be downstairs on my own in case I go outside and harm someone or contract hiv/gh. I'm constantly washing and disinfecting everything and I don't even feel safe when in my bedroom as i fear doing or saying something inappropriate to the neighbours out of the window. I can't bear to be touched and my relationship with my partner is going to end as i can't see him due to the severity of the ocd thoughts.

Life is hell, it's truly unbearable. I've never had to cope with so many strands. I'm exhausted and just want to die.

Thanks for listening and being there for me xx

You've listed so many compulsions you do in this post. This is why you relapse. You go for so long and suddenly your brain concocts a thought. You fall for it, you do compulsions and off you go on the OCD treadmill. The reason you are so stuck right now is because you give the thoughts meaning and then do compulsions.

[BelAnna]

Hi OP,

I just wanted to say that don't think of David Veale's treatment as being superior to other Psychiatrist/Psychologists. He only has the same range of medication available to him as any other psychiatrist and would likely put you on an SSRI and discuss CBT options. 

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

10 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You've listed so many compulsions you do in this post. This is why you relapse. You go for so long and suddenly your brain concocts a thought. You fall for it, you do compulsions and off you go on the OCD treadmill. The reason you are so stuck right now is because you give the thoughts meaning and then do compulsions.

Hi PB,

Thanks for replying. You're right that I've fallen off the wagon re compulsions- atm they're dominating my life and are making me miserable.

I'm currently ruminating about sleepwalking whilst on zopiclone - my ocd has convinced me that I've contracted hiv whilst taking it, especially as the Mind website states that one of the things people do on the 'z' drugs is have sex and then not remember. That completely freaked me and I spent most of the night in a state of sheer panic. It's killing me!!

I have so many compulsions - I'm trying to tackle the easiest ones myself and not giving into the urge to check as frequently or as long, and am keeping a diary, but it's non-stop! 

You're also right that it's the meanings given to the thoughts which give them their power. I've never been able to accept the thought that i could hurt any living creature, especially in the horrific ways my ocd thoughts tell me I could/have. 

With regards to HIV/GH, it's the fear of rejection and stigma and being alone - but I've lost many friends and partners (and now jobs) over the years who can't cope with my mental health problems. I'd be doubly stigmatized and that thought terrifies me.

I've had so much therapy focusing on ocd but also on my low self-esteem - the only way I've ever felt good about myself is through achieving in my career and being successful that way. Being a workaholic meant I didn't have time for the ocd to affect me - until the stress and burn out got too much and I would have another breakdown.

I am starting to realise that I really need to start from the beginning with my approach to the ocd and stop using therapy to plaster over the cracks, but to really sort out the underlying issues and remove the meanings I've given the thoughts.

Thank you for continuing to respond to my posts - I really do appreciate and am grateful for your support.

Best wishes xx

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

1 hour ago, BelAnna said:

Hi OP,

I just wanted to say that don't think of David Veale's treatment as being superior to other Psychiatrist/Psychologists. He only has the same range of medication available to him as any other psychiatrist and would likely put you on an SSRI and discuss CBT options. 

Hi BelAnna,

Ah ok. I was under the impression that he was the top ocd psych in the country and would know the best combos of drugs for ocd. I guess I was hoping for a miracle. Have you or someone you know been seen by him? What has your / have their experience been?

Thanks for your help x

[Headwreck]

I am interested in hearing more about this guy too as I was looking at paying for a consultation with him but it's an awful lot of money!

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

1 hour ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

Hi BelAnna,

Ah ok. I was under the impression that he was the top ocd psych in the country and would know the best combos of drugs for ocd. I guess I was hoping for a miracle. Have you or someone you know been seen by him? What has your / have their experience been?

Thanks for your help x

You are hoping for a miracle. You dont need him. Its enough with a good therapist

[BelAnna]

1 hour ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

Hi BelAnna,

Ah ok. I was under the impression that he was the top ocd psych in the country and would know the best combos of drugs for ocd. I guess I was hoping for a miracle. Have you or someone you know been seen by him? What has your / have their experience been?

Thanks for your help x

Yes, I saw him during a treatment stay at the Anxiety Disorders Residential Unit at Bethlem Royal (under the Maudsley- NHS treatment). He was fine but seems to be mostly interested in CBT and would most definitely only prescribe a normal medical treatment/SSRI. 

Edited July 17, 2018 by BelAnna

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

1 hour ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

You are hoping for a miracle. You dont need him. Its enough with a good therapist

I don't think there are many good cbt therapists specialising in ocd in my neck of the woods in deepest, darkest Wales.

I've seen some skype therapy sessions with the ocd centre in Taunton and ocd first aid in London. Any experiences of those and recommendations?? Thanks x

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

1 hour ago, BelAnna said:

Yes, I saw him during a treatment stay at the Anxiety Disorders Residential Unit at Bethlem Royal (under the Maudsley- NHS treatment). He was fine but seems to be mostly interested in CBT and would most definitely only prescribe a normal medical treatment/SSRI. 

Ah that's interesting to know. Thanks for your input. Much appreciated xx

Which ssri did he prescribe, out of interest? Does he seem to have a favourite? Thanks x

Edited July 17, 2018 by ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

19 minutes ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

I don't think there are many good cbt therapists specialising in ocd in my neck of the woods in deepest, darkest Wales.

I've seen some skype therapy sessions with the ocd centre in Taunton and ocd first aid in London. Any experiences of those and recommendations?? Thanks x

Sadly i haven't got any tips on a specific therapist for you, but i would like to say that i really think it is a good thing with internet and the posibility to get help even if you don't meet the therapist. I have found the best ones online. There seems to be much prestige in psychiatry and i don't think there is time to be wasted when it comes to letting everybody with OCD get the help they need. 

When it comes to medication would i like to say that i have read a lot about medication and OCD and i haven't really come across anyone who say that they medication cured their OCD, what i am usually reading is that the medication helps temporarily and then one ends up needing to either up the dose or use one more medication when the latest one loses its effect. 
I think that this is due to the nature of OCD, if you get relief from your current thoughts but still them do their thing they will at some point "up the game" and do what they need to make you as aware as before. That is what i think is going on.

Edited July 17, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[PolarBear]

5 hours ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

Hi PB,

Thanks for replying. You're right that I've fallen off the wagon re compulsions- atm they're dominating my life and are making me miserable.

I'm currently ruminating about sleepwalking whilst on zopiclone - my ocd has convinced me that I've contracted hiv whilst taking it, especially as the Mind website states that one of the things people do on the 'z' drugs is have sex and then not remember. That completely freaked me and I spent most of the night in a state of sheer panic. It's killing me!!

I have so many compulsions - I'm trying to tackle the easiest ones myself and not giving into the urge to check as frequently or as long, and am keeping a diary, but it's non-stop! 

You're also right that it's the meanings given to the thoughts which give them their power. I've never been able to accept the thought that i could hurt any living creature, especially in the horrific ways my ocd thoughts tell me I could/have. 

With regards to HIV/GH, it's the fear of rejection and stigma and being alone - but I've lost many friends and partners (and now jobs) over the years who can't cope with my mental health problems. I'd be doubly stigmatized and that thought terrifies me.

I've had so much therapy focusing on ocd but also on my low self-esteem - the only way I've ever felt good about myself is through achieving in my career and being successful that way. Being a workaholic meant I didn't have time for the ocd to affect me - until the stress and burn out got too much and I would have another breakdown.

I am starting to realise that I really need to start from the beginning with my approach to the ocd and stop using therapy to plaster over the cracks, but to really sort out the underlying issues and remove the meanings I've given the thoughts.

Thank you for continuing to respond to my posts - I really do appreciate and am grateful for your support.

Best wishes xx

No worries. That's why we are here.