Anyone worried they acted?

[ocdsufferer85]

I'm sorry to post again

I just want to know if anyone feels like they have done something wrong

Can old convince you that the slightest of actions mean you acted on a thought? 

I'm scared that I'm the only one who fears they acted rather than fears they are 'gonna' act. 

I'm so confused.

I got bombarded with thoughts, I tried to shrug them off and then I feel like I did something wrong.

I feel like I automatically reacted to a thought, then I shrugged it off...but then the old sucked me in again with more thoughts until I began to doubt myself. I feel disgusted at the fact that I felt like I was mouthing something slightly, when I realised I freaked out.

The guilt I have is feeling like I should have stopped myself thinking into it further. The thoughts dragged me back in.

I don't know what it all means and what version of this memory is real.

 

 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

I am sorry but i have a small fear that you might have been victim of OCD's tendency to go up and down. I could be wrong! You said you had have therapy but i feel like your therapist should have told you about some of this - the cognitive side. Other people here are better at describing that part. Giving meaning to the thoughts and so on.
The reason i bring this up is because i don't want you to get confused about how you should attack this. I don't want you running around trying to solve thoughts.

  But well, not every therapist is so good. If that isn't the case, then i can only advice you to stop asking all those questions. It won't make you any good at all! I promise, it won't! And maybe ask your therapist what the thoughts really mean. Do they have meaning, could it be that they just come and doesn't mean anything? Not even if it feel like they do?

Edited July 17, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[PolarBear]

You've slipped back into your old thinking patterns. You're back to trying to figure it all out. Years you've spent doing this and it has gotten you nowhere.

Asking us endless questions is not going to help. No answers given to you will end this.

[ocdsufferer85]

I'm tired @PolarBear of not being able to feel like I deserve to be here. Tired of guilt and shame. I want to feel like I am a good person. I am in endless torment. I want to see it clearly. I see it on and off logically but the ocd fog takes over. I want some relief. I don't remember life being happy anymore.  Please help.

[PolarBear]

I understand that's what you want. You are not going to get there by way of more ruminating. You just won't. You'll remain in the fog.

[Skullpops]

With fear of sounding like I'm offering reassurance (a big no no for us sufferers) fearing one has already acted on whatever our obsessions centre around is classic OCD. 

Please know I'm telling you this as a means of giving you knowledge of the disorder rather than offering reassurance. 

Fearing one has acted on obsession is as common as fearing one will act on obsession, absolute hallmark of the disorder. 

[ocdsufferer85]

48 minutes ago, Skullpops said:

With fear of sounding like I'm offering reassurance (a big no no for us sufferers) fearing one has already acted on whatever our obsessions centre around is classic OCD. 

Please know I'm telling you this as a means of giving you knowledge of the disorder rather than offering reassurance. 

Fearing one has acted on obsession is as common as fearing one will act on obsession, absolute hallmark of the disorder. 

Yeah I understand. It just feels like it's come true if you fail to stop it at all costs. 

[ocdsufferer85]

1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

I understand that's what you want. You are not going to get there by way of more ruminating. You just won't. You'll remain in the fog.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to push through and fight this, and that I'm failing

[Skullpops]

11 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

Yeah I understand. It just feels like it's come true if you fail to stop it at all costs. 

I do understand. Currently I'm caught in a loop of being totally rational, seeing the OCD for what it is etc, then the OCD doubt taking hold and ending up very distressed. That's progress though because at one point my insight was reallllllyy poor. 

[paradoxer]

21 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I'm tired @PolarBear of not being able to feel like I deserve to be here. Tired of guilt and shame. I want to feel like I am a good person. I am in endless torment. I want to see it clearly. I see it on and off logically but the ocd fog takes over. I want some relief. I don't remember life being happy anymore.  Please help.

If you want to feel like a good person stop trying to be one. 

[ocdsufferer85]

I have glimpses of the rational and the real memory then ocd changes it, it's pieced it together so it within a second or two after the 'event' it tells me it happened a certain way for certain reasons..and it's been in my head so long that I believe everything it says. So after all this time I have this guilt for something that didn't happen that way, it's blown up the smallest of things to be huge and made be believe I did something wrong to be bad.... But it can say anything, as soon as it became the past it makes me question every move I made. Until Im sat thinking DID this even happen?! I'm aware of slight memories being real but they have been distorted in the worst way. 

I had thoughts coming into my head that I totally disagree with, but on this day I felt like I was able to see it was ocd for the first time. I thought there's no chance I could have stopped that thought coming in.

But I had the compulsion to answer to it and say the opposite which I know feeds it, but my plan was to try and do this less until I defeated this monster.

Unfortunately this triggered a memory, the one on a form where someone had posted that they were worried they spoke under their breath but weren't sure.

I don't wanna go through it all again but I do want to say that I kept feeling this pull...like a pull into ocd thinking.

I had the thoughts in my head and dismissed them, I thought there's no chance I'd do that. I'd never speak and not know, end of.

But I got thoughts saying "is it even possible?!" "how does a person speak under a breath?' this was pulling me in to think about it....this thought ruined my life....it all began with this!

So I'm finding myself automatically seeing if you can speak whilst breathing out...I realised it and controlled it but felt such shock at how it got me there so fast. I was able to brush it off as nothing though which is good yes?

But it kept on...you could do it..it's so easy... Those types of thoughts and feelings. It didn't mean I WANTED to I just felt like it was right there...but I decided to say no...I'm not gonna be fooled, I'm not running away, I won't, end of. - therapists say this is a good move....but I feel such guilt. For sticking around, for being more relaxed and normal, I see it now as me being evil.and oh I must have done it to be bad...to test it...etc. It can play it back however it likes...it will frighten me with any idea.

When I came to and sort of realised my mind was wandering off I was able to think logically, to see it was nothing and it was simply ocd trying to knock me down the moment I felt in control.

But I felt it trying again...it was a pull...I became aware I was back in the "thinking dangerously zone" more stuff...what if you said half....is it worse than murder, etc...and I was like rationalising it..but at the same time I felt uneasy...believing I shouldn't risk it, I became aware of my mouth a second time and felt like it was making slight noises and this panicked me...it's like I'd made a mistake.

I thought DONT THINK IT IN FULL...it's like speaking inside your head. My mind went blank. I was glad of this.

In being so sure id never speak a thought outloud I relaxed...which caused me to stop being super careful.

This is all happening over a matter of minutes but ocd has made it seem long and also deliberate and planned. Which it's not.

I freaked out abit and engaged in my safety behaviour again, I replayed whatever just happened and realised it was nothing, I had to be sure...and I was. 

The relief, then it hit me..wow that could have just destroyed me...taking my eyes off the game and I could have been in a total mess not knowing what happened. I nearly ended up with the very worry I fear the most. Wake up and be super careful whilst I'm still safe.

So I moved my thoughts away from it...

And boom

The first breath and sound from my mouth and I freak out, it wasn't planned, I wasn't monitoring myself...so it could now say "u just let it out, did u? What did u just do? Now u messed up" etc etc.

Anything before I knew it hadn't produced any sentence...but this was like ooh that was a long breath....maybe it came out. 

It's insane

But ocd has convinced me that I have acted badly, that I was doing it all to try and push my luck or act on urge, and that it's all my fault, I could have stopped it. Etc etc.

 

 

[PolarBear]

STOP THIS!

Your above post is just one, long rumination! You keep going over that one moment in time. It's a compulsion and is keeping you stuck.

It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do so long sgo.

[ocdsufferer85]

It does matter to me!