How do non-OCD sufferers deal with regret?

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi guys,

Hope you're all doing OK.

This is a question to guide my recovery, not an obsessional one. 

Many of you will know most of my OCD has revolved around issues to do with morality and guilt; particularly obsessing over past mistakes and regrets.

I know it is normal for everyone to regret things from the past, perhaps to think about it from time to time, cringe, or whatever, then move on.

I am doing much better now than I was but I am still pushing forwards with CBT.

So my quesion is, what should I be aiming for with regards to things that I do regret, but that OCD has blown out of proportion? How do non-OCD sufferers (or people without this theme) deal with genuine guilt and regret from the past? Do you just never think about it, file it away in a box marked "do not open", or does it pop up occasionally, and if so how do you respond? How do you intepret your regret in a way which allows you to move on in a healthy way?

I know this will vary from everyone but I want to aim for a proportionate response long-term, which isn't one extreme or the other.  (I.e. either pushing it away or obsessing over it.)

Many thanks!

GBG

 

[lostinme]

1 hour ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Hi guys,

Hope you're all doing OK.

This is a question to guide my recovery, not an obsessional one. 

Many of you will know most of my OCD has revolved around issues to do with morality and guilt; particularly obsessing over past mistakes and regrets.

I know it is normal for everyone to regret things from the past, perhaps to think about it from time to time, cringe, or whatever, then move on.

I am doing much better now than I was but I am still pushing forwards with CBT.

So my quesion is, what should I be aiming for with regards to things that I do regret, but that OCD has blown out of proportion? How do non-OCD sufferers (or people without this theme) deal with genuine guilt and regret from the past? Do you just never think about it, file it away in a box marked "do not open", or does it pop up occasionally, and if so how do you respond? How do you intepret your regret in a way which allows you to move on in a healthy way?

I know this will vary from everyone but I want to aim for a proportionate response long-term, which isn't one extreme or the other.  (I.e. either pushing it away or obsessing over it.)

Many thanks!

GBG

 

Hi gbg,

I think it’s a good question that could possibly help you on your journey.

My personal opinion and my own experience regarding this comes down to self forgiveness and accepting that it’s in the past and it isn’t a reflection on who you are as a person. We all make mistakes. Exceptance that everyone makes mistakes, if we didn’t make mistakes how can we learn anything. Mistakes are a learning process from childhood to what ever age we are. 

Ive found that filing them away only gives them the chance to resurface at any time, so working through them in a cognitive way helps you  to see them for what they are and put them to bed so speak and when they occasionally pop up again you are no longer troubled by them. 

Hope this makes sense and helps, best wishes lost xx

[hedvig]

12 minutes ago, lostinme said:

My personal opinion and my own experience regarding this comes down to self forgiveness and accepting that it’s in the past and it isn’t a reflection on who you are as a person. We all make mistakes. Exceptance that everyone makes mistakes, if we didn’t make mistakes how can we learn anything. Mistakes are a learning process from childhood to what ever age we are. 

I think this is great Lost and really an approach to aim for! 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Thank you very much Lost (and Hedvig ) this is great advice

can I ask, when you say "work through them cognitively" what exactly do you mean? I just ask because I am wary about spilling into rumination and attempting to "make right" mistakes of the past (which is a big compulsion of mine.)

Thank you And hope you're doing OK today xx

[gingerbreadgirl]

Also - one other question (sorry) - but do people without OCD do this with past mistakes (i.e. wrork through and process them)? And if not, how do they deal with the kind of regret we all get, do they just leave it be?

Thank you x

[taurean]

Just to add my six pennyworth. 

I have a few things in my past I am not proud of, or regret. 

But they only surface if I happen to be in an environment which specifically connects with them, and even then I just note the reminder, then gently ease it away. 

Amongst the brilliant things I have learned on my journey through life, here are a few that may help. 

Roosevelt reckoned that even he, president of the U.S.A.,could only hope to be right 85% of the time. 

I try to be right more often than Roosevelt, and don't worry about when I was wrong. I learn from it, then let it go. We can't saw sawdust, because it's already been sawn. 

President Eisenhower's son said he never wasted a moment thinking about anyone he didn't like. 

Rumination is a compulsion. Worry is an unhelpful pointless habit (because it never solves anything).

Regret and guilt are unhelpful emotional responses that keep us feeling responsible, feeling bad. Self-forgiveness is what I learned to apply - then forgive and forget. 

Edited July 22, 2018 by taurean

[gingerbreadgirl]

Thanks very much Roy.  So you would leave the memory alone, not attempt to sort through it or process it/make amends in any way?

x

[taurean]

Just now, gingerbreadgirl said:

Thanks very much Roy.  So you would leave the memory alone, not attempt to sort through it or process it/make amends in any way?

x

Yes. The issues I had are dead and gone, were dealt with when they happened, I learned from them, forgave myself and moved on. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

But what if they hadn't been dealt with at the time...?

[taurean]

Then I would deal with them in exactly the same way now, then forget them. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Thanks Roy,  you and Lostie have been really helpful x

[gingerbreadgirl]

Just to say I am taking a break from the forum (not for any bad reason, actually because things are good so I'm trying out just living life away from OCD for a while.... hopefully anyway!) - just in case there are any other replies to this thread, i don't want anyone to think I'm ungrateful or rude not replying! See you soon guys xx

[lostinme]

Hi flower sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner, my neighbour came round, then when I finally got back to you I wrote a huge reply regarding some of my regrets and moral values and how I overcome them. Sadly I didn’t like to post them and couldn’t bring myself to do it after all sorry. I don’t mind PM if you would like me too  xx

[lostinme]

28 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Just to say I am taking a break from the forum (not for any bad reason, actually because things are good so I'm trying out just living life away from OCD for a while.... hopefully anyway!) - just in case there are any other replies to this thread, i don't want anyone to think I'm ungrateful or rude not replying! See you soon guys xx

Sorry I’ve just seen this after posting 

Its good sometimes to do what you feel you need to do 

Don't be a stranger though pop in from time to time to let us know how you are going, it won’t be the same without you. 

Very best wishes, lost xx 

[lostinme]

2 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Thank you very much Lost (and Hedvig ) this is great advice

can I ask, when you say "work through them cognitively" what exactly do you mean? I just ask because I am wary about spilling into rumination and attempting to "make right" mistakes of the past (which is a big compulsion of mine.)

Thank you And hope you're doing OK today xx

Hope you get chance to read this gbg. 

Basically I spent lots of time ruminating on past issues, regrets, morals etc. It wasn’t until I learned how to stop ruminating that I finally laid these things to rest. When your deep in rumination it’s impossible to work through things at all because it’s so complex to all your beliefs , how you feel as a person, the regrets you have made and your moral beliefs it’s just one huge jumbled up mess. However when you no longer allow yourself to ruminate just the odd thought pops up and you feel in a better place to deal with each one singular, it was at this time that I slowly worked through them one by one xx

[PolarBear]

You talk about genuine guilt and regret. What's genuine? Under what conditions is guilt and regret justified? Here's a thought: save for short term, there is no justification for guilt and regret.

[gingerbreadgirl]

Just wanted to say thank you very much Lostie and Polarbear for your really helpful responses

Hope you are both keeping well xx

[cookiemonster]

We all make mistakes and have regrets. It’s about learning from them and remembering you are human. You need to accept what’s done Is done and move on. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Thx cookiemonster x