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Just wanted to say...


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Thank you to everyone who has given me their time, experience and advice on the forum. There have been one or two people especially who have been following my posts, supporting and advising since my worry started late last year and I'm forever grateful. Just wanted to say to everyone though that I'm thankful for the advice and time spent and sorry for the repetition which has no doubt been so frustrating. I don't know if I've said it before to such an extent, but it's truly meant from the bottom of my heart.

My day has pretty much been the same as it has been for nearly 10 months now, and for four years before that with a different worry. There hasn't been an epiphany or a revelation. But that in itself is the problem. The amount of concern, worry and brain power I'm spending is not natural. Even someone who committed the worst crime doesn't do that. So with that in mind, I've spent all day today trying my best to leave the thoughts alone. My heart feels like it's fighting with my ribcage to break free and I'll randomly have a moment of realisation "you really did do it because X, Y, Z." so I'll freeze up and feel sick to my stomach. But I am trying to ignore it.

Am I doing well? Not really, I try to ignore and 99.9% of the time I fail. But it's my first day. Tomorrow will be extra bad too, and the next day. The next few weeks will probably be horrible and I'm expecting to cry an ocean. But I'm forcing myself to try because doing the same thing for years hasn't changed anything. Even if I don't believe in what I'm doing - which I don't. I can't keep taking the same path and expect it to lead to somewhere new. And I only really know that much because of everyone here. I know I often seem ignorant and unresponsive to advice but it's really not meant on purpose. I hope you will all be so kind to help me moving forward and at some stage I can return the support I've been given to others on the forum in future. With that also in mind, I'm putting a self imposed ban on any compulsive posts I'll be tempted to submit so there isn't so much of my garbage to sift through.

Anyway. I've found some novels to read which will take up a few months and it's working out as a great way to move my attention to something beneficial and let my imagination run with something other than the usual junk. I'm hopefully going to start running again next week too as my exercise regime fell to bits when this started last year. I hope it's not another false dawn but I guess whether it is or not is up to me. 

Thanks again everyone for the continued support. It means a lot.

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Headwreck, this is the start of something new. So happy to read this. :hug:You don’t have to believe in it yet, just keep pushing through. Try your best not to register how you’re feeling, soon enough you’ll notice that you haven’t thought about it in a while. Also super that you’re getting back with running, that is something that really helps for me. My best wishes to you! 

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Another common mantra around these parts is "Fake it 'til you make it."

Since OCD is also known as the doubting disease, sufferers need to commit to recovery in spite of their doubts and fears that it might not be OCD at all.

So you have to carry on in spite of doubt. That is a very important step. without which you will never recover.

You have my support.

Keep going strong, Headwreck!

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Practice what you have learned Headwreck. Keep up the good work. 

Don't believe, or connect with, intrusions. When we do that they strengthen in power and frequency. 

Edited by taurean
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Thanks everyone for the nice messages.

Still trying but very difficult. Keep checking how I feel and asking myself questions such as "do you still think you did it?", "when will you ever think you didn't do it?", "are you okay that you did it?", "did you ever really know?", "what if you start to think you didn't do it but you actually did?". This must stop. But I feel like I'm ignoring a massive elephant in a tiny room.

Noticed I've started ruminating about suicide alongside ruminations about the night out. Rumination about suicide feels like distraction and comfort. I'm seeing it as an 'escape' so guess it's a compulsion. Also hits home just how miserable and unhappy I really am with everything if I increasingly realise I have less and less keeping me here. Have become very distant and withdrawn at home and don't seem to be able to cry anymore as that feels pointless too. Will see how I feel in a few days. Thanks all, just thought I'd post to update a little.

 

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

The thought of suicide can seem to be a solution. Often when I think that my life is over, that this is it, that I am totally destroyed, that is when it have feelt good to feel that I atleast have control in ending my life. I was often thinking and researching about how I could be undestroyed, but when everything else fail, when I have been feeling very bad have I thought that atleast i can end it all. Gives you a feeling of control. 


Funny thing is that i have had those dreams when I reset my life and I have also daydreamed it, reset it all so I can live my life all over, and correct all the mistakes. 

 

How is it going?

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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It's been four days and I'm not getting the thoughts so much, there seems to have been a small improvement which I wasn't expecting so soon but not going to drop defenses as will only slip back down the slope.

The feeling and actual belief is always there still in the background and I still feel physical anxiety ie a little short of breath etc. But there have been times where I've forgotten about it for a few minutes as I've thrown myself into things I'm doing at the present time such as work or reading.

I am still ruminating now and again but not full on like I was. I've also stopped searching online about OCD and have stopped compulsively posting on the forum. Still being distant and withdrawn at home. Compulsion? Not sure.

Edited by Headwreck
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You are doing fine. Remember how we told you OCD works, so try to not connect or believe the intrusions - they will be fake, exaggerations, revulsions or an attack on our true core values, alleging we have acted or could act opposite to those values. 

It's natural to begin to withdraw inside ourselves when OCD seeks to make us feel we are bad. 

Gradually look to fight back against that and work towards wanting to be social again. Why should you let OCD restrict your life like that? 

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Thanks. It's hard to keep everything in mind because it is all so real but I can't be sure. The withdrawn behaviour, I think I feel as though I should not be talkative or nice to him as I'm harbouring this secret.

I had a dream last night about sleeping with someone and hiding it from my partner then I woke up thinking it was real and trying to remember when it happened. The person in the dream was someone I went to school with about 20 years ago who I've not seen in person since that time so I'm not sure why I thought it was true! But that has gone now. It just goes to show that the mind still obsesses even during sleep.

Hard to ignore it today. Very hard. Do people kiss others on nights out and not disclose it? Can that just be classed as a mistake, isn't it up to the partner to be the judge of that? I feel anxious but the thoughts aren't causing spikes, I just feel I should be making my partner aware of the incident I think must have happened. In my head there is no possibility that it didn't. The only things stopping me bringing it up are a) I never knew about this before now b) the fact that it chops and changes depending on what is the focus at the time c) the fact I was convinced I had done something sexual for months and now I don't think I did so that screams OCD and d) my partner is already extremely depressed and I am the base cause.

This memory I have of sitting close to this guy, I don't know why I've never realised it before now. It's taken two years to pass before I've given it any thought. I was always very dismissive of the night, never delving into memories and always just said nothing happened. Maybe I never gave it enough thought until recently.

I know it's doing no good going over and over it, I feel like I've been on that night out for the past 10 months now. It happened almost three years ago. If I'm honest wonder if I'm suffering PTSD.

 

Edited by Headwreck
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You are suffering from OCD and resultant anxiety and depression. 

Your way forward is not to believe in or connect with it, not to carry out compulsions. 

Master this and the intrusions will lose power and fade away. 

It will take time. You need to practice stopping your thoughts when intrusions flare, and refocusing away. 

But you still need more work on the cognitive and behavioural side of CBT to see the intrusions for what they are, and exposure and response prevention to stand up to them so your emotional reaction eases away. 

You can do it, but it will take time. 

Edited by taurean
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Thanks Roy. I am going to keep trying and see how I feel when I'm not thinking about it 24/7. That will be the only time I can make any good judgement calls about this. The dream last night wouldn't have bothered me years ago but because I'm so honed in on my own transgressions, it stuck for longer than it should have.

Do you think non-ocd people have this kind of thought process to a degree? As in change their minds about events all the time? I always think about police interviews when people are being questioned and they become unsure of their story and change it all the time, so I guess that kind of process can happen to non-ocders.

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

It seems like memories adjusts every time we think about them, accordingly to science. 

I do think that we with OCD have changed the memories too much.

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46 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Thanks Roy. I am going to keep trying and see how I feel when I'm not thinking about it 24/7. That will be the only time I can make any good judgement calls about this. The dream last night wouldn't have bothered me years ago but because I'm so honed in on my own transgressions, it stuck for longer than it should have.

Do you think non-ocd people have this kind of thought process to a degree? As in change their minds about events all the time? I

No I don’t think they do. Why? Because they wouldn't be carrying out the compulsions of ongoing ruminating and analysis. 

And OCD sufferers with a different theme wouldn't either. 

I had a dream the other day and mentioned it in the member's area. 

I was dreaming about King George Vth, a monarch about whom I don't actually know that much - other than his Queen was Mary and his sons Edward the VII, who abdicated and became Duke of Windsor, and Bertie who, with the abdication, became King George VI th, father of Elizabeth II and married to Queen Elizabeth, who became Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother. 

Anyway, I dreamed that George Vth was sleeping in the same room - weird. 

But not weird when a friend and I considered what I was thinking about the night before. 

I had watched a programme which included a segment on the building of the various royal yachts used by different british monarchs.

And another piece that said Kate and William were holding back from telling Prince George that he would eventually become king, until he was old enough to cope with that knowledge. 

So there was the connection my brain made before making up the dream. Logical, nothing to do with obsessional thinking in my case. 

 

Edited by taurean
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7 hours ago, taurean said:

No I don’t think they do. Why? Because they wouldn't be carrying out the compulsions of ongoing ruminating and analysis. 

And OCD sufferers with a different theme wouldn't either. 

I had a dream the other day and mentioned it in the member's area. 

I was dreaming about King George Vth, a monarch about whom I don't actually know that much - other than his Queen was Mary and his sons Edward the VII, who abdicated and became Duke of Windsor, and Bertie who, with the abdication, became King George VI th, father of Elizabeth II and married to Queen Elizabeth, who became Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother. 

Anyway, I dreamed that George Vth was sleeping in the same room - weird. 

But not weird when a friend and I considered what I was thinking about the night before. 

I had watched a programme which included a segment on the building of the various royal yachts used by different british monarchs.

And another piece that said Kate and William were holding back from telling Prince George that he would eventually become king, until he was old enough to cope with that knowledge. 

So there was the connection my brain made before making up the dream. Logical, nothing to do with obsessional thinking in my case. 

 

That makes sense now you mention it that way. I don't know what made me have that dream other than the fact I've been obsessing about similar stuff all day long. Just surprised because I believed it for a while.

I've noticed with everyone and their OCD problem; their fear is the biggest thing and literally makes life feel like it's not worth living. It's so sad.

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7 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

I've noticed with everyone and their OCD problem; their fear is the biggest thing and literally makes life feel like it's not worth living. It's so sad.

Well in CBT we can look to establish what false exaggerated or revulsive core belief the OCD is using to evoke that threat fear or revulsion. 

I worked through this with my therapist. We discovered that the OCD was targeting my true core values of love and care, and suggesting I might carry out a violent act and harm someone. 

And - here is the real fear - I feared that I would lose control and do this. 

Now we could look at this and address it. Understanding this core belief, whatever it is in our own case, is a massive leap towards nullifying that threat and fear, and reducing down the anxious state it produces. 

Edited by taurean
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I'm not sure if I should go back to therapy or not. I don't think there is a lot they can do ERP wise as I'm exposing myself to everything including the thoughts now. I always thought that the CBT side of it wasn't focused on enough for me.

The new idea that I kissed this man is the sticking point now. It's a relief to a point as it's not as bad as sexual contact but still struggling to forgive and move on. What do I do, my mind lied to me for months telling me I did something sexual with this person when now I know I did not? Although saying that makes me doubt and panic. I know I'm stricken with OCD as the worry has moved and will sometimes latch onto other things but hard to see this worry as OCD as feels different.

The 'no sexual contact, just kissing' revelation is fairly new, maybe only a couple of weeks, this feels like everything else was a lie but this is the real deal, the final truth. It's one aspect of it that worries me one day then something else the next day. Does anyone relate to this?

Edited by Headwreck
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Guest OCDhavenobrain

I really think that you should go back to the therapy. 

Scary thing with all of this is that we can't see it comming, i always find myself taken by surprise.

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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Had a massive argument with my partner. Feel like the less I'm ruminating, the more I'm getting angry, distant and very withdrawn with him. I don't want to leave the house, he's trying to plan things but I don't want to do anything. I've been in floods of tears all day. I just can't do it. I keep asking why I thought I hadn't done something for so long before now. I know it's all pointless but my head is being pummelled even when not ruminating.

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I really think you should do as your partner suggests. Get out there, do stuff. Even if you feel like you don’t want to do anything. Do not try to find any answers to why you thought this or that, you have got to let those thoughts just be there without responding to them. Tell yourself that the thoughts can be there as much as they want, OCD can do its worst - you’re still going out with your partner. OCD can tag along if it wants, invite it in.

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