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Gave in to an urge / Harm OCD


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Yesterday I was at a party and met girl, we started talking up close due to the loud music which meant me leaning into her to hear what she was saying. As we were chatting away I became aware that my body was in contact with one of her breasts which triggered off all the usual sexual assault thought patterns. I started to think that I wanted to purposely make contact with her breasts because I was angry with someone else I'd fallen out with, and by committing sexual assault it would be because of this other person. It was weird, like I'd taken responsibility away from the OCD and knew what I was doing was wrong, the urge was strong to do it and so I did, once, leaned in and made contact whilst thinking to myself that I was going through with this on purpose. I felt I enjoyed the contact although it wasn't physical, i.e. no arousal, just simply in the mind. Thought nothing of it at the time, until about 2 hours later when I began to feel seriously ashamed and guilty, now I feel like a monster. 

OK, so this has been a recurring theme of my OCD, I couldn't even hug my own Mum properly before she died because of the OCD thoughts about inappropriate contact, but I'm so guilty for what I did yesterday, even though it was bad, it was triggered by OCD in the first place and had I not had this godawful condition, I wouldn't have done it. 

Has anyone else ever acted on the thoughts or urges?

 

thanks

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I haven't, and I pray to god I never will. To me, intrusive thoughts are intrusive because they're things I would rather die than do. But don't destroy yourself over this, take it as a lesson and move on. I think you need to reassess how you respond to anger because giving into these urges isn't okay. But like I said, there's no point in ruminating on this now, what's done is done. 

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