Family falling apart - feel like I have no support

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

Hi everyone,

My ocd has worsened - I'm still housebound - well bedroom-bound now as I'm too scared to go downstairs unless one of my parents is there to make sure that i haven't gone outside and hurt someone or contracted hiv/herpes.

Inside, I'm constantly hand-washing and using anti-bacterial gel in case I've touched something which my dad has as he gets cold sores. After 45 years of marriage, given how contagious herpes is, it's very likely that my mum also has herpes. I'm terrified about asymptomatic shedding and cant have any physical contact with them, or touch anything they've touched. I'm constantly seeking reassurance and my compulsions are out of control.

They're really not coping well. I'm having constant panic attacks and crying and my dad yells at me to shut up and go away. He mocks my 'anxious face' when I'm deeply distressed and calls me abnormal, strange, weirdo etc. It's really hurtful. I know that he can't cope with how ill i am, but he's taking his anger and frustration at the ocd out on me. 

My parents seem to care more about the neighbours hearing my panic attacks or crying than they do about their deeply distressed daughter. They tell me to shut up and close the window when I'm sobbing my heart out. 

My mum has started drinking again - a lot. She refuses to let ocd "rule the house" so won't do the reading that I've recommended to her so that she can understand the condition more. She just keeps telling me that I'm making them ill and ruining their retirement.

I tried again - and failed AGAIN - to hang myself. I have no quality of life and have nothing to live for. I don't want to be alive anymore. 

The crisis team visit me when they can and have just changed my meds but life is hell. I can't go into hospital as i can't be around other people due to the harm/contamination fears being so overwhelming, but my parents are ill with stress and reacting in very destructive ways which is making me feel even more anxious, depressed and suicidal. I feel very alone.

Any advice? Thank you xx

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

The solution to all of this is still to go through with CBT and ERP. 

I don't want to come across as cruel, but when it comes to your parents do they ultimately not have any responsibility. To you it come across as extremly cruel noot to take into consideration your worries but it is their house. As i said, i understand completely that you see it as cruel what they are doing but they are not doing anything wrong, beside drinking a lot (and that is not mainly because it disturbs you) but it is their choice. Edit: I won't their when it comes to the namecalling, i have no idea if you have been arguing or in what context it have happened. But to me it is pretty obvious that your OCD is very strong at the moment and that your OCD is trying to involve them in your compulsions. 

I can't see how you are not taken to the hospital if you have tried to hang yourself. My wish for you is that you can get help and i think that maybe you need to get into the hospital as fast as possible, it is hard to get there (because you are afraid of contamination) but maybe you should ask them to give you something for your anxiety so you can go there? You can't stay in this position, go to the hospital. 

 

Edited July 26, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[neurosies]

40 minutes ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

Hi everyone,

My ocd has worsened - I'm still housebound - well bedroom-bound now as I'm too scared to go downstairs unless one of my parents is there to make sure that i haven't gone outside and hurt someone or contracted hiv/herpes.

Inside, I'm constantly hand-washing and using anti-bacterial gel in case I've touched something which my dad has as he gets cold sores. After 45 years of marriage, given how contagious herpes is, it's very likely that my mum also has herpes. I'm terrified about asymptomatic shedding and cant have any physical contact with them, or touch anything they've touched. I'm constantly seeking reassurance and my compulsions are out of control.

They're really not coping well. I'm having constant panic attacks and crying and my dad yells at me to shut up and go away. He mocks my 'anxious face' when I'm deeply distressed and calls me abnormal, strange, weirdo etc. It's really hurtful. I know that he can't cope with how ill i am, but he's taking his anger and frustration at the ocd out on me. 

My parents seem to care more about the neighbours hearing my panic attacks or crying than they do about their deeply distressed daughter. They tell me to shut up and close the window when I'm sobbing my heart out. 

My mum has started drinking again - a lot. She refuses to let ocd "rule the house" so won't do the reading that I've recommended to her so that she can understand the condition more. She just keeps telling me that I'm making them ill and ruining their retirement.

I tried again - and failed AGAIN - to hang myself. I have no quality of life and have nothing to live for. I don't want to be alive anymore. 

The crisis team visit me when they can and have just changed my meds but life is hell. I can't go into hospital as i can't be around other people due to the harm/contamination fears being so overwhelming, but my parents are ill with stress and reacting in very destructive ways which is making me feel even more anxious, depressed and suicidal. I feel very alone.

Any advice? Thank you xx

I'm sorry your parents are treating you like garbage I know it's their house, but they still have a responsibility as parents to take care of you and they're failing at that. Please don't blame yourself. 

I really think you should go to the hospital. Maybe it sounds ignorant of me to say that, but it would kill three birds with one stone by keeping you safe and away from your abusive family, give you a chance to receive proper treatment, AND give you a chance to overcome your fears. However, I know this is harder then I'm making it sound. I really hope you find a way. Life will get easier and you deserve to experience that. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

5 minutes ago, neurosies said:

I'm sorry your parents are treating you like garbage I know it's their house, but they still have a responsibility as parents to take care of you and they're failing at that. Please don't blame yourself. 

 I really think you should go to the hospital. Maybe it sounds ignorant of me to say that, but it would kill three birds with one stone by keeping you safe and away from your abusive family, give you a chance to receive proper treatment, AND give you a chance to overcome your fears. However, I know this is harder then I'm making it sound. I really hope you find a way. Life will get easier and you deserve to experience that. 

I don't think it is useful to see the parents as abusive.The OCD will make a sobstory out of it. It is much more useful to see the OCD as the perpetratur in all of this. I don't think your parents wants you any harm, but they are probably frustrated with the fact that they can't help you.

First priority now is to keep you safe from suicideattempts, then when you have recovered can you choose if you want to see your parents as bad and maybe cut the contact. I wouldn't but well, it's a choice. When you have recovered and you don't are in a sstate of constant panic

Edited July 26, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[neurosies]

Just now, OCDhavenobrain said:

I don't think it is useful to see they parents as abusive. It is much more useful to see the OCD as the perpetratur in all of this. I don't think your parents want you any harm, but they are probably frustrated with the fact that they can't help you. 

I respect that, and maybe it isn't helpful to blame their parents, but I think their abusive-ness is a fact rather than an opinion. I'm sure they are frustrated and want the best for OP but if they were supportive, it would be much easier for OP to cope. But you're right, there's not really any point in disputing this as there's nothing that really can be done to change their parent's behaviour, and should focus on changing their OCD instead. I just hope that seeing their parents as being part of the problem will take the blame of their own shoulders. (For example, I think it's important for OP to understand that it's not their fault that their dad makes fun of them, rather it's their dad's fault for, frankly, being a bad parent. They may not want to cause OP any harm but they are.) 

[cookiemonster]

It must be very stressful for your parents to be living with you being so anxious and distressed. To see your child like that must be devastating. We don’t all handle stress in the same way. 

Hospital is what’s needed to give you and your parents time apart and for you to receive inpatient care and treatment. 

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

Hi all,

Thanks for your replies. They're usually amazing parents, but they've never had to deal with this severity of ocd before and they just cant cope. Their coping mechanisms- yelling at me and drinking - are due to frustration at how ill i am, how little nhs help there is, and how I haven't been able to engage with the 6 sessions of private cbt/erp that i had last month and this due to the extreme anxiety.

Even the smallest erp task would result in a panic attack and I'm being bombarded by thoughts 24/7, so the anxiety curve never declines - it remains at 10 all the time as new thoughts send me into a frenzy in addition to the original one.

I've just had a panic attack now after my mum handed me a bottle of squash and I thought that I'd touched it and then touched my genitals and have now been infected with herpes. 

I can't go to hospital - I was admitted to our local psych ward last January for a suicide attempt due to depression and lasted a week - I lied my way out as it was so horrendous. One manic guy spreading his faeces all over the floor and wall, one woman running around shrieking 24/7, one touchy-feely guy who wouldnt leave me alone, no nurses/staff to be seen for hours. There's no way with my current ocd fears of harm and contamination that such a place would be safe for me. Additionally, I saw about 6 ways how someone could easily commit suicide in there with the barest of equipment, from the knives available to the over-hanging showers. 

During my week-long stay, I only ever saw a nurse at meds time- the rest of the time they were hiding in the reflective-glass locked office and I was on my own. It was not a safe place to be in - I slept with my bed against the door so nobody could get in (mixed ward). 

So hospitalization at the local psych ward is not an option and we don't have the money for a private psych hospital.

I don't have the energy or the will to go through the hell of erp again. I don't have anything to live for and I don't want to be alive any longer. I'm just waiting to see if the new meds can reduce the anxiety to a bearable level, that's the only thing stopping me from killing myself. 

Thanks for listening - I have nobody else to talk to xx

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

You can't deal with ERP because it brings anxiety, well then you will keep having this level of anxiety. Meds won't solve it, benzo is not an option longterm. 

Your selftalk about how you can't won't benefit you, it feels great in the moment, selfpity always feels good in a way. It gives us control in a situation of pressure. But i am sorry, it will only keep your OCD burning. 

Go to hospital and don't depend on your mother, she doesn't need to learn more about OCD, it is not requirment for you to recover. Do not outsource your compulsions on others. Your parents are frustrated but they wants to help you, sadly only you can get out of this. 

 

You know you can get out of all this, you can be in a much better place in 3 or 6 months, where you don't need to be stuck in your room. You can greatly diminish the anxiety.

Edited July 26, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[PolarBear]

I think you should talk to OCDUK about treatment options.

I also think you should ask yourself this question: would having herpes be as bad as the hell you are putting yourself through?

[bobfish]

I haven't followed your previous posts, but just to put things in perspective a bit: up to 25% of adults have herpes. That's one in four. It's very common. Millions of people have it and get by just fine every day, and those who don't have it touch things in public without giving it a second thought. Even if you did have it, could it possibly be even remotely as bad as the hell you're having to go through right now because of OCD?

Given the experience you had in hospital last time and your fears, I definitely understand why you're reluctant to go to hospital again, but I agree with the other replies that you should consider it. 

I'm so sorry to hear how much you're struggling right now. I don't know how much I can help personally, but please, please don't attempt suicide again. If you ever need someone to talk to, message me.

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

Hi all,

Thanks for your replies. 

@OCDhavenobrain This is my 6th ocd breakdown - the first took 3 years to get back to a normal-ish life. Since then, I've had 5 more breakdowns, each more severe than the last. I've been through more cbt and erp - both in-patient and out-patient - than I've had hot dinners. I've spent over 15 grand on private therapy over the years. I'm now on benefits as i can't work and my parents are pensioners, so there's no more money in the pot for expensive private therapy. Nhs waiting lists for cbt are currently over a year in my area.

I cant take anymore. This is not self-pity, this is fact. The past 8 years in particular have been hell. The ocd has won. I can't fight anymore.

 

@PolarBear I'm convinced that I've got herpes and hiv. I have to have my confirmatory test on 8th August from my last sexual contact with my partner and the sleepwalking whilst on zopiclone. I'm certain it's going to come back positive. Having genital herpes and hiv is so stigmatized that no future partner would want me should my current partner and I break up.

Not to mention the rituals that i had to perform whilst taking the hiv PEP to ensure I kept the meds in my system - i would have to do those for the rest of my life or risk becoming treatment resistant to hiv and it becoming AIDS. This is not catastrophising - it's realism.

I have spoken to OCD charities about specialist in-patient treatments such as the Maudsley; however, I've been warned that it's a long, hard slog to get CCG funding approval and then a 6 month waiting list at least. I've been signed up to Anxiety UK for years for their therapy but they now say I'm too complex a case for their therapists and they can't help me. I don't know where else to turn.

 

@bobfish Thank you for your offer of PM-ing. I often feel very alone and isolated but I'm worried that I'd be bombarding you with suicidal messages, which isn't fair on you. 

It's the stigma of herpes and hiv which scare me the most - I've been stigmatized and lost enough friends, partners and jobs due to my ocd, gad and depression, so to be doubly stigmatized would just be unbearable.

It's a cruel world, and I've fought so hard for the past 20 years since being diagnosed with ocd - I just don't have anything left to fight for. 

 

Thank you to all of you for listening xx 

[Guest PaulM]

Hi ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime,

I too feel devastated when it seems there is not much hope. I won't pretend to know exactly how you feel, but you're not alone, even if it feels like it.

I had a very difficult time finding the right therapists/doctors, but it happened. And it was worth the wait (in retrospect - at the time I was in a very difficult). It feels 100% hopeless sometimes, doesn't it? But it gets better. I was even doubtful of the therapy and meds, but it did get better. MUCH better. I still have bad days. And there are triggers at times. But coping with them has become much easier.

Health related scares are something I've struggled with before too. And contamination has been the biggest issue with OCD for me.

I was diagnosed 15 years ago with OCD, but there's a good chance I've had it much longer. In those 15 years my family life has changed immensely. I don't like the impact OCD has had on my relationship with my daughter. But strangely everything else has turned out better than it was before diagnosis.

As a side note, is your user name a reference to the song by Garbage?

Paul

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

2 hours ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

Hi all,

Thanks for your replies. 

@OCDhavenobrain This is my 6th ocd breakdown - the first took 3 years to get back to a normal-ish life. Since then, I've had 5 more breakdowns, each more severe than the last. I've been through more cbt and erp - both in-patient and out-patient - than I've had hot dinners. I've spent over 15 grand on private therapy over the years. I'm now on benefits as i can't work and my parents are pensioners, so there's no more money in the pot for expensive private therapy. Nhs waiting lists for cbt are currently over a year in my area.

I cant take anymore. This is not self-pity, this is fact. The past 8 years in particular have been hell. The ocd has won. I can't fight anymore.

  

@PolarBear I'm convinced that I've got herpes and hiv. I have to have my confirmatory test on 8th August from my last sexual contact with my partner and the sleepwalking whilst on zopiclone. I'm certain it's going to come back positive. Having genital herpes and hiv is so stigmatized that no future partner would want me should my current partner and I break up.

Not to mention the rituals that i had to perform whilst taking the hiv PEP to ensure I kept the meds in my system - i would have to do those for the rest of my life or risk becoming treatment resistant to hiv and it becoming AIDS. This is not catastrophising - it's realism.

I have spoken to OCD charities about specialist in-patient treatments such as the Maudsley; however, I've been warned that it's a long, hard slog to get CCG funding approval and then a 6 month waiting list at least. I've been signed up to Anxiety UK for years for their therapy but they now say I'm too complex a case for their therapists and they can't help me. I don't know where else to turn.

 

@bobfish Thank you for your offer of PM-ing. I often feel very alone and isolated but I'm worried that I'd be bombarding you with suicidal messages, which isn't fair on you. 

It's the stigma of herpes and hiv which scare me the most - I've been stigmatized and lost enough friends, partners and jobs due to my ocd, gad and depression, so to be doubly stigmatized would just be unbearable.

It's a cruel world, and I've fought so hard for the past 20 years since being diagnosed with ocd - I just don't have anything left to fight for. 

 

Thank you to all of you for listening xx 

You have had therapy for so many years, you must have become an expert on this. What do you think you need to do to overcome this? Could you start right now? You don't need to wait for a therapist. 

There is a way out of this, i know it feels hard now but you can get out of this by identifying all your compulsions and stop involving in them.

[ohwhyhello]

I think the question you need to start asking yourself is: no matter how difficult or hard it might seem, what can I do to help myself in this very moment? You keep saying you "can't" do things. What if you could, even if it was it was very difficult? You are capable for much more than you give yourself credit for. What can you do, say, within the next few hours, to take a step towards a better life, even if it entails facing your fears?

Edited July 27, 2018 by ohwhyhello

[neurosies]

I'm glad to hear that your parents are at least usually good. Meds may not be the answer long term but it seems important that SOMETHING helps you urgently so you can cope with ERP. I wish you all the best, I care about you. 

[PolarBear]

You say this is realism. I'm sorry but there is nothing real about this. The danger is all make believe. It is your own mind lying to you. OCD always lie. Every time.

[Raffles]

I felt very sad for you, reading what a rough time you're having. It's got to be hard experiencing such severe anxiety, and seeing the impact the illness is having on your parents, who are usually supportive. Anxiety can make us feel people's reactions (the drinking, the lashing out through frustration) are worse than they are, but being anxious and being in damaging relationships aren't mutually exclusive. It's pretty destabilising if you're feeling like you can't trust your own interpretation due to your illness and second-guessing yourself at every turn. We can't say the situation is abusive because we don't know all sides -- but for the same reason, we can't say it isn't. From what you've written it sounds unhealthy for all involved, and I hope you find something that changes things for the better. 

Self-help and working on small CBT and ERP exercises is good. Even if you can do a little bit, that's worth congratulating yourself for. This can be a chronic condition, partially responsive to treatment, or even treatment resistant. Knowledge about the workings of the brain and cognition has been acquired relatively recently in human history. It's really tough, but we can only do the best we can with the tools that have been developed.

Others have said it's not your parents responsibility -- certainly you can't control their reactions, only your behaviours (tricky when you're feeling out of control!) -- however the NICE guidelines do talk about the benefits of having parents/carers involved in therapy and treatment. This is true for adults as well as children. Have they been involved previously? Understanding the condition and how to react to compulsions, i.e. not assisting you and not complying with reassurance-seeking compulsions, improves chances for recovery.

I do wonder if you might be a good candidate for the residential treatment at the Maudsley ARDU -- being around other patients with anxiety disorders might be quite a different experience to a psychiatric ward with patients experiencing psychosis. I'm currently exploring pursuing a referral to the CADAT, so hear your concerns about battles for funding and despair at the state of NHS mental health care, but it's got to be better than carrying on as we are.

 

[Raffles]

How is your appetite, and are you getting some sleep? Do your contamination fears influence your diet? When my anxiety gets really bad, or depression sets in, I get stomach issues and feeling physically poorly makes refocussing away from obsessions and not engaging in compulsions more demanding. Eating soft, cold things helped - yoghurt, mango, and even meal replacements helped to get some nutrition in me when my appetite disappeared. Porridge and soup were also good. Taking care of yourself physically can make the mental stuff a little bit less difficult.
 

[bobfish]

I think you've received some excellent advice, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime.

Feel free to PM as much or as little as you like - I just wanted you to know that here's just another place you could turn to if you feel suicidal again. The important thing is that you talk to someone if you're ever in a similar situation again.

I totally understand the fears you have surrounding being stigmatised for having certain diseases, but you're catastrophising, as PolarBear says. It's just your OCD talking. And even IF (and that's a massive 'if') you had one of the diseases you mention, your OCD is making you think you'd be a complete outcast and everyone would alienate you, which again is blowing things way out of proportion.

I'm rooting for you, I really hope you continue with CBT and start to feel a bit better soon.

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

On 27/07/2018 at 15:55, PaulM said:

Hi ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime,

I too feel devastated when it seems there is not much hope. I won't pretend to know exactly how you feel, but you're not alone, even if it feels like it.

I had a very difficult time finding the right therapists/doctors, but it happened. And it was worth the wait (in retrospect - at the time I was in a very difficult). It feels 100% hopeless sometimes, doesn't it? But it gets better. I was even doubtful of the therapy and meds, but it did get better. MUCH better. I still have bad days. And there are triggers at times. But coping with them has become much easier.

Health related scares are something I've struggled with before too. And contamination has been the biggest issue with OCD for me.

I was diagnosed 15 years ago with OCD, but there's a good chance I've had it much longer. In those 15 years my family life has changed immensely. I don't like the impact OCD has had on my relationship with my daughter. But strangely everything else has turned out better than it was before diagnosis.

As a side note, is your user name a reference to the song by Garbage?

Paul

Hi Paul,

Well noticed - it is based on the song by Garbage, one of my favourite bands as a teenager. Also a bit of a pun on ocd thoughts/ideas.

I'm just so tired of the ocd and the power it has over me. When i say that I can't, i literally mean that i don't have the energy to fight the ocd anymore. I only had 2 months respite between getting better from the April 2016 breakdown (which took well over a year) and the onset of the herpes ocd fear which started in late 2017 and which has worsened and culminated in my most recent breakdown now with all my ocd fears attacking me. I'm exhausted and broken and don't have the strength anymore.

That's another problem - ocd might be "manageable" but the thoughts never go away, you just learn how to deal with them. At times of high stress/pressure, the ocd rears its ugly head again and causes misery. We're never free of this cruel disorder.

I've had so many relapses and it's ruined my life to such a degree that i don't even see the point in trying to get better again. ERP is hell - what's the point of going through it AGAIN just for a few months or few years respite until the inevitable relapse happens again? 

I'm really glad that things have worked out well for you and that you got the right help for you. I hope that you don't worry too much about your relationship with your daughter - you're her dad and she'll always love you.

Thank you for getting in touch. I appreciate it xx

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

On 27/07/2018 at 17:32, OCDhavenobrain said:

You have had therapy for so many years, you must have become an expert on this. What do you think you need to do to overcome this? Could you start right now? You don't need to wait for a therapist. 

There is a way out of this, i know it feels hard now but you can get out of this by identifying all your compulsions and stop involving in them.

Yes, i do know what to do re: gradated ERP but there's a lot of "background noise" which is making me very depressed and stopping me from being able to engage as i just don't see the point.

The largest problem is the loss of my high-flying career after my 2016 breakdown, which I sacrificed my 20's and early 30's for and which I realised that i couldn't go back to if I wanted to protect my mental health as it's a cut-throat industry.

Problem is that my latest 2 jobs since have been a curious mix of mediocre and stressful. The first job in particular, I disclosed my ocd to when it started flaring up again during my probation period - they responded by doubling my workload and offering no support. They got rid of me during my probation period as my ocd worsened, even though I was put on abilify which gave me horrendous insomnia for over a month yet i still went into work everyday and completed my tasks to the best of my ability at the time. Not good enough - they cited "performance problems" as the reason for letting me go, despite knowing the mitigating circumstances. I'm pretty sure what they did was illegal under the Equality Act 2010 as they knew the issues and didn't offer any support or adjustments, but I didn't and don't have the energy or money for a tribunal. I'm still bloody furious and despondent about how it all turned out.

The second job I had to leave as i was having horrendous side effects from seroxat withdrawal and after 3 months of a 3 hour daily commute with 2 trains, was a danger to myself and others due to blurred vision and dizziness/confusion. I nearly fell in front of a train more than once and once got on the wrong train and ended up in a different town as my brain didn't understand the platform change announcement!!

As I can't have kids due to the severity of the ocd - plus my partners tend to leave me when I have a bad relapse so have nobody to have kids with - my career has been my life. As I've moved around so much during my 20's and early 30's for work, I don't really have any proper friends to rely on during my relapses.

So, I have no family of my own and no career and nothing to get better for. There's no other career which I can see myself in like my previous one and I just don't see a positive future, especially when my ocd when it's severe just makes me a burden on employers and they want to get rid asap. It's understandable - they don't want to carry passengers. But it makes me feel worthless, useless and unemployable.

I honestly don't see a way out, except death.

Thanks for replying. It means a lot xx

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

On 27/07/2018 at 17:41, ohwhyhello said:

I think the question you need to start asking yourself is: no matter how difficult or hard it might seem, what can I do to help myself in this very moment? You keep saying you "can't" do things. What if you could, even if it was it was very difficult? You are capable for much more than you give yourself credit for. What can you do, say, within the next few hours, to take a step towards a better life, even if it entails facing your fears?

Hello, please see above responses re why I feel like I can't. 

I honestly don't see a future without ocd, it's always been there for the past 20 years, and always will be. The harm thoughts in particular really upset me - I can bury them deep down and make them "manageable" but they're always there and make me hate myself. Yes, I am giving then meaning, but I can't accept the possibility that these thoughts could mean that i want to harm someone and am only stopped due to fear of social/legal repercussions. I could be a monster deep down and a danger to others. I can't live with that!

Atm, I literally am living second by second. I'm consumed with thoughts of killing myself. I have nothing to live for and can't bear the ocd anymore. I don't have the strength to go through ERP again for what evidence in my life shows will only be temporary relief from the ocd. I don't see the point anymore.

Thanks for replying to me xx 

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

On 27/07/2018 at 23:02, PolarBear said:

You say this is realism. I'm sorry but there is nothing real about this. The danger is all make believe. It is your own mind lying to you. OCD always lie. Every time.

Hi PB,

Treatment resistance for hiv without medication adherence is unfortunately real, it's not catastrophising. It's medically accurate. Yes, should one treatment regimen fail, there are others that can be tried, but if you don't adhere to the regimen as prescribed, then the meds cease to work and the hiv begins to replicate in your cells once more, damaging your immune system through reducing your cd4 cell count (which the hiv attacks). 

Should your cd4 cell count reduce to > 200, your official diagnosis is AIDS and over time, should medication not be adhered to or fail, it is most likely that you will die of opportunistic infections that your damaged immune system can't fight, such as pneumonia.

So yes, my fear of contracting hiv is ocd, but my fear of not adhering to hiv meds would have fatal repercussions, and my rituals for ensuring that i kept the meds in my system, as I had to do the three times I took PEP, are ocd, but I can't see how cbt/erp could help me - what's the worst that can happen should i have hiv and not do my meds ritual? I could become treatment resistance and could go on to develop AIDS.

Not trying to be antagonistic, am just trying to explain my reasoning. Thanks for responding to me xx

[GreyCat]

Hi,

Unfortunately I can't contribute anything regarding overcoming OCD since I'm running around in square 1. But I can totally relate. I'm over 40, don't have a partner - in fact never ever had a relationship in my life - no kids, no friends and a job I don't like and now additionally maybe an alcohol addiction. And I agree with you that it's hard to motivate myself considering where I'm now. What is helping me - and I don't know if this makes sense for you too - is to cling to some things I would love to do. I've a handful of  goals - very, very small ones for other people - but for me at the moment out of reach due to my OCD. But I cling to it and it gives me the motivation to keep on fighting. I don't like my life as it is know but this in itself is also my motivation to try to improve. Only if I get better I'm maybe able to reach one of my goals. If I only look at where I am now, there is really not much reason for me to fight, but if I cling to my goals I see a reason. I don't know if this is of some help for you but maybe you can think of a few things you would love to do in life, be it to travel somewhere, go to a concert, have a pet or whatever. Maybe this is then a motivation. If we've a goal it's easier to start the journey and to start fighting. If above doesn't make any sense, just ignore me. I'm always terrified to send a comment since I don't want to say something wrong.

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

20 hours ago, Raffles said:

Others have said it's not your parents responsibility -- certainly you can't control their reactions, only your behaviours (tricky when you're feeling out of control!) -- however the NICE guidelines do talk about the benefits of having parents/carers involved in therapy and treatment. This is true for adults as well as children. Have they been involved previously? Understanding the condition and how to react to compulsions, i.e. not assisting you and not complying with reassurance-seeking compulsions, improves chances for recovery.

I do wonder if you might be a good candidate for the residential treatment at the Maudsley ARDU -- being around other patients with anxiety disorders might be quite a different experience to a psychiatric ward with patients experiencing psychosis. I'm currently exploring pursuing a referral to the CADAT, so hear your concerns about battles for funding and despair at the state of NHS mental health care, but it's got to be better than carrying on as we are.

 

Thank you for your messages. I'll be talking about the Maudsley with my psych on tues, but worry about the funding issue as the nhs is in such crisis. There's no money for mental health, yet assisted suicide is illegal. It's cruel and makes no sense. Let those of us who want to die, die, and save the nhs a fortune to boot. Why have the Tories not proposed this yet?!  They could even outsource it to their private healthcare provider mates- wins all round!!!

Am trying to eat, but veer between feeling nauseous and not wanting to and binging on anything I can get my hands on. Probably not helping much - maybe that's the one thing I can work on??

Thanks for replying xx