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Bit lost after trying acceptance (or did i)


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Hi,

Been doing ok lately but still off work due to back op pain but doing CBT.

I was in the pub  Friday and noticed two girls who approached the bar. One of which I thought looked under 18 maybe 14 to 16 and I thought she looked shy which was endearing and she looked pretty but my mind was shifting between older pretty and younger. I said to self that I need to accept the thought and it's fine to find someone pretty or attractive at such an age ie under 18. I then immediately thought what if she is actually the one person of say 14 I do find I am attracted to as opposed attractive but not attracted to. Then I assessed her and her friend and was ok that they were actually probably 18. I then planned to see the person to be sure and passed them as they came out of the toilets and she def looked pretty 18.

I then made a point of pretending to be on the phone outside near where this girl and friends both male and female were sitting so i could be doubly sure and when one of them made a comment to me after they were asking each other comments (innocent rude funny ones) i asked how old they were and they said 18. Pretty obvious as all drinking and smoking.

So. My issue has been more of one since Friday night. The events then didn't spike me so much but ever since I have freaked that I accepted the initial thought and that I did like a 14 yr old as I said accept it until I thought oh no what if I really do. On the night there was no panic really. Until morning after and since.

I can't seem to recall fact from fiction and am obsessing over replaying events to establish what happened. I'm really freaking out as if it means I've not got ocd and actually I've been lying all these years and if I'd accepted all the thoughts over the years I'd be what I fear.

I've not an issue with thinking someone is pretty etc but I can't recall or recreate the events or thought accurately. Feels like I accepted normal thought then made it odd event with the what if she is the one 14 yr old I will fancy and then the scanning of her age etc kicked in. I know people talk about false memories but I'm not sure if this is when trying to recall events and not being sure what's occurred and inter spacing reality with fears ?

I'm totally lost. Part of me thinks my ocd was never absent as I assessed the person straight away and then said accept ie my ocd was always in play whereas I am thinking it only kicked in once I thought oh no I've accepted the thought and this is the one.

Sorry for the ramble but this has been constant since Friday night. I'm tired.

Njb

 

Edited by njb
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Hi njb, sorry to hear you’re feeling like this right now. It seems like you get a lot of intrusive thoughts about feared attractions that really distress you. In order to relieve yourself from the distress that these thoughts cause you, you perform compulsions. You ruminate over their age, scan their apperances for reassurance that they are not under aged, check by asking them, replay events in your mind. It’s OCD. Intrusions, distress, compulsions. What can you do to help yourself in this case? 

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Hi Hedvig,

Thanks for the reply. I've started trying to let the thoughts pass and will put this down to a tough start!

I'm going to relabel it and distract and reflect. I'm trying I guess. Things can get better but it seems ocd always has a new angle to challenge us in this case it caught me next day where I feel anxiety over the accepting meaning I did like when I don't think I did. In this case i just can't work out whether I said it doesn't matter but liked more than just thought looked nice innocently. I think I've thought well if no can accept the thought that's really me and then read too much into it and jumped to I really liked the person.

Keep going is the way.

Thanks Hedvig. Nice to hear from you and thanks for the good challenge! Hope you're well.

Njb

Edited by njb
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Acceptance of your thoughts are key, but because of the distress they caused you your mind quickly went into rumination mode.

Next time, try to shift focus back and cut the rumination. Distance yourself from the thoughts, look at them with curiosity. ”Oh, now that thought came to my mind again!”, ”Interesting”, ”How funny”. Treat them like clouds that move on the sky, they come and they go - we don’t judge them.

I learned to picture my mind as a living room with a big door. All thoughts were welcome as guests to my room, I decided not to guard the door to my room but instead let every guest (read thought) in without judging them no matter how they were dressed or what they looked like. I pictured myself sitting somewhere in my room observing my guests without judgement. Then I allowed them to leave whenever they wanted. I don’t know if it makes sense to you but this metaphore has helped me.

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1 minute ago, njb said:

Hi Hedvig,

Thanks for the reply. I've started trying to let the thoughts pass and will put this down to a tough start!

I'm going to relabel it and distract and reflect. I'm trying I guess. Things can get better but it seems ocd always has a new angle to challenge us in this case it caught me next day where I feel anxiety over the accepting meaning I did like when I don't think I did. I freak out from just saying it does not matter then worry I do like or what extent ie like as in pretty and then go crazy thinking it's attraction in a big way. 

Keep going is the way.

Thanks Hedvig. Nice to hear from you and thanks for the good challenge! Hope you're well.

Njb

I know, it is so easy to get trapped in new worries when OCD has us in a hold. We just have to keep pushing forward and use all tools in our toolbox. :yes: You can do it! 

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Such good advice.

I think ocd was at play all along because as soon as I saw her I started the do I like her do I not what age is she etc before I even said well accept it. The fact I said accept it then freaked me about deelfining her age day later.

 

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Just now, njb said:

Such good advice.

I think ocd was at play all along because as soon as I saw her I started the do I like her do I not what age is she etc before I even said well accept it. The fact I said accept it then freaked me about deelfining her age day later.

 

You are right. What a good learning experience it was. :clapping:

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I got scared as it feels like a new trick especially as it didn't bother me until later but now I think about it I've had that so many times before when I go over events from the past.

Thanks Hedvig.

Been useful to chat as always.

 

 

 

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Just now, njb said:

I got scared as it feels like a new trick especially as it didn't bother me until later but now I think about it I've had that so many times before when I go over events from the past.

Thanks Hedvig.

Been useful to chat as always.

 

 

 

It’s so comforting talking to others that understand the mechanisms, even if the worries we have differ. It is always easier to give advice to others. That’s why we need to always treat ourselves like our own best friend. But it is also very good to know there are other people out there to turn to that will understand. This is a great community!

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Just now, hedvig said:

You are right. What a good learning experience it was. :clapping:

Thanks?

I think therefore I can say I had ocd creep in then thought I didn't as in admitting it's ok to like someone and then got panicked thinking I really felt a real like as opposed noticing someone attractive but not attracted to but worried I felt latter etc.

I know I'm panicking because I think I did not have ocd and said oh yeah she's cute or something and then when oh no do I feel a real like and she's say 14 or 15 and if it's real me then I've been lying all along or may be this is the 'one girl I've been scared will make men like her as a 14 yr old. That scares me.

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Just now, njb said:

Thanks?

I think therefore I can say I had ocd creep in then thought I didn't as in admitting it's ok to like someone and then got panicked thinking I really felt a real like as opposed noticing someone attractive but not attracted to but worried I felt latter etc.

I know I'm panicking because I think I did not have ocd and said oh yeah she's cute or something and then when oh no do I feel a real like and she's say 14 or 15 and if it's real me then I've been lying all along or may be this is the 'one girl I've been scared will make men like her as a 14 yr old. That scares me.

 Be careful not to fall into ruminations about this again. You do not have to go over this more now. You fear it is not OCD because that would mean your other fears are true, but you don’t have to figure it out any more.

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On reflection I may have scanned and couldn't attribute an age and saw both younger and 18 ish facial features so just went it's ok to think someone is pretty then freaked and then looked and saw her as 18 plus. The fact that I felt she was attractive and the  tried to accept she was below 18 worried me as I probably didn't classify her in my mind like I always do. I don't know. I'm tired. Just upset as my ocd telling me it's me  not ocd at all.

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3 minutes ago, hedvig said:

 Be careful not to fall into ruminations about this again. You do not have to go over this more now. You fear it is not OCD because that would mean your other fears are true, but you don’t have to figure it out any more.

Erm....ok will do now !:blink:

Edited by njb
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3 minutes ago, njb said:

On reflection I may have scanned and couldn't attribute an age and saw both younger and 18 ish facial features so just went it's ok to think someone is pretty then freaked and then looked and saw her as 18 plus. The fact that I felt she was attractive and the  tried to accept she was below 18 worried me as I probably didn't classify her in my mind like I always do. I don't know. I'm tired. Just upset as my ocd telling me it's me  not ocd at all.

You don’t have to classify. You could sit there, see that girl, have the thought that she was attractive no matter what age she was. Everything that followed from there was fuelled by OCD. 

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I think I said to self just accept she's pretty when I was trying to assess her age and it's the fear that I've accepted I liked her based on her face when actually I recall flipping between she's older and younger and then saying so what and instantly feeling sick if she was younger. OCD def involved.

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9 minutes ago, hedvig said:

You don’t have to classify. You could sit there, see that girl, have the thought that she was attractive no matter what age she was. Everything that followed from there was fuelled by OCD. 

OCD was there before I thought about liking or not as I was scanning for signs of attraction and age before saying ok she's cute or pretty so what ie employing acceptance. Trouble is I then got spikes and feared I liked the person as I'd applied real me. I think I'd accepted but the  taken a passing pretty to a level of really liked. Hence the fear. 

No doubt I've gone from a normal thought of thinking that person is attractive and ocd latched on. Damn it. Why can't I even just think someone is pretty or attractive without thinking it defines my whole sexuality...or rather why won't ocd just *** off!

I will stop now ! Hope you're ok as I know you're back to work soon. You'll be great. X

Edited by njb
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