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Sexual Obsessions Have Become A Self Fulfilling Prophecy


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Since my last post there have been a few changes with regards to my OCD. I am now 100% convinced that I am not attracted to children in anyway shape or form, and I never have been. You think that would be great news and things would be a lot better, but sadly that isn't really the case. Instead my obsessions shifted from children to teenagers, and I'm not talking young teenagers, i mean mid-late teens but under 18.

I basically got it into my head that being attracted to anyone under the age of 18 would be innapropriate and problematic and then that brought up the usual feelings of shame and so on. This bothered me for some time and eventually I started looking into it and whether an attraction to this age group was "normal". I also read a few articles from Steven Phillipson where he explains the difference between finding someone "pretty" and actually being attracted to them. I took all of this on board and eventually came to the conclusion that I am not attracted to teens 15 and up as a whole but if I ever found say a 16 year old attractive then it wouldn't be the end of the world as obviously I wouldn't act on it whether it is considered biologically "normal" or not. 

Getting out on my bike has been a huge benefit for me, I managed to cycle 50 miles at one point which made me feel really proud of myself. I dare say that developing a passion for cycling has saved my life, it enforces positive feelings, gets me out of the house for hours at a time so I'm not engaging in compulsions, but most of all it's been therapuetic and it offers me a lot of enjoyment. Unfortunately the bike was out of commission for a few weeks after a nasty crash and so was I, i broke my elbow so there was no way that I could get out on it anyway. After a few days I found myself going back to the usual compulsions. 

I started doing checks by looking at anime characters and going on the instagram accounts of teen actors which makes me feel so disgusted with myself. With the anime characters I actually started masturbating compulsively and when I got off I found that the obsessions have gotten so twisted that I'm trying to prove that I was right all along and that they are true, I can't really explain it properly cause my head is such a mess right now. So that's been a thing but today has been the absolute worst yet and I don't think anyone will can or should have sympathy with me. 

I woke up this morning and I was browsing YouTube and I seen a video that was apparently calling out this girl who was 15 for posting like really provocative videos with the way she was dressed and how she was acting like posting twerking videos on her instagram and stuff. I clicked on this video to check if I was attracted to it and when the video started playing these clips of the girl I had a full on erection, and the usual feelings where there for a groinal response like I didn't want to have that reaction but the thing is I actually masturbated and again I didn't enjoy it, I think subconsciously I was testing myself but again I dunno why I'm doing these things. 

Last night I visited stopitnow! To see if I matched any traits for people who start looking at child porn and offers support for paedophiles, which obviously I haven't and it doesn't apply to me, but I wanted to see if there was anything on that website which sprung out at me. I fully recognise that my actions are driven by compulsions but after visiting this website I realise that the things I have been doing are so wrong. This website made it clear that there was no grey area.

The looking at the anime characters, looking at teen actors instagram accounts, and then today the fact that I actually masturbated over that video. The things I have done are abhorrent and it's because I allowed myself to get lost in this illness.  I'm not saying it as an excuse but would I be doing all of this if I had OCD, no. That being said regardless if it's the reason or not I have to take responsibility for allowing it to get to this point, and to be honest I expect there may be consequences from making this post and I'll have to face them. The thing that bothers me now is that I can't really hold the moral high ground over my abuser because the things that I have done are in some people's eyes, including my own, regardless of my intentions and motivations, are just as bad. The path to hell is paved with good intentions as they say. 

There `are others I would love to sit here and blame. I would love to just point the finger at my abuser and proclaim him at the cause of all my troubles but thats just not true. I knew the compulsions I was doing were wrong and continued anyway, thats on me. I would love to blame my aunt and my dad for not sectioning me for when I felt like I was losing myself, but at the end of the day I'm a 23 year old man, I should have walked myself up to the hospital if I felt like that. I would love to blame my therapists but at the end of the day it was down to me find the right therapist and the right treatment and was given the opportunity to do so on here many times. The responsibility is mine and mine and alone.  

If there's one thing that should come from this post is that how easy it is to get lost in this illness. The things that I have done as compulsions in this case have taken me closer to the very thing I was trying to avoid becoming and led me on such a slippery slope. At this point I'm still going to try and bounce back but at the end of the day the way this is going I can't see it ending well, like honestly either dead or with a criminal conviction. That's the stage I'm at. 

 

Edited by mrgarfield94
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Guest OCDhavenobrain

Your post is very long and i am pretty busy, i am sorry about the crash and yes i also find cycling to be really great. Actually i find exercising to be good against all anxiety. But there is something about endurance that makes you more relax in your head, strengthtraining is more of a good feeling in the body. If this even makes sense. 

So you have overcome one obsession but now do you ruminate about another? This is overlapping with my obsession but you have had real things happened to you. Now how much should you think about it, that is a good question. But i just want you to know that it is not strange if you get obsessive about things which have happened to you. That is how it is in my case. So maybe this helps in anyway. 

 

Take care

 

Btw. You are maybe not able to use your bike but maybe you could go on walks, i really hate walking, but some periods when things happened do i walk. Much better than nothing. I think going from exercising to not exercising is a bad place to be in, it is often then i obsess like crazy. It starts with something either triggering me to stop exercising or i get depressed and stop everything. 

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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I'm back on my bike now. I got a brand new one a couple of weeks ago, the one I was using was second hand. It's not a new obsession I mean it's always kind of been there its just now taking center stage since I'm getting over the fear of being attracted to children. When you say real things that have happened to me are you talking about the compulsions I've done or do you mean what happened when I was younger? Sorry for the confusion. 

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OP I scan-read your post ... and it's all nonsense. I'm not disparaging you - but your giant rumination -  it's such an OCD cliche. Remember, the fact that with OCD - if it's not one thing, it'll be another' is actually your friend. Why? Because it's a reminder that the emperor has no clothes, it's all irrelevant noise.  

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I did kinda feel like it was ridiculous when I was typing it out and I usually feel that way with most of my posts. I just still feel like the things I've been doing are wrong, like masturbating to that video. I have used masturbation to check before but I feel like it's getting compulsive and that's a major problem. 

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