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Hi all,

Sorry for not replying to previous posts and PMs as have been really struggling.

Last night, the crisis team gave me the option of going into a psych ward voluntarily or being sectioned. So I went voluntarily.

It was absolute hell - I was terrified of being harmed or harming, contaminating or contaminated. I had a hiv test on weds- still waiting on results so I ended up practically hysterical/psychotic with med changes and ocd worries. 

Luckily, I was only kept in overnight as my parents agreed to keep me safe at home and they're upping my meds - but that hospital experience was horrendous. There were no beds, so I was on a pullout couch in the lounge. I had to beg them to lock me in the room for my own and others' safety. Worst of all, they told me that they were giving me clonazepam to help me sleep - after i took it, I asked what strength clonazepam it had been and they said that it was actually zopiclone- which for those of you have read my previous posts know that i am terrified of due to the sleep-walking and not remembering. It's in my crisis team notes so they should have known- I'm both furious and terrified that I've done something during the night to get infected with herpes or hiv from one of the other patients or staff members. 

I vaguely remember waking up early and getting my iPad before morning handover and I think i was taken to the toilet as well as i couldn't be on my own. But it's really blurry so now the ocd is jumping all over it.

I also had no 1-on-1 support so even when locked in the lounge, I had to make my own way to get meds in the morning etc. I'm now so scared of what could have happened.

I'm terrified about the impending hiv result due next week and now it feels like it's all for nothing as I'll be needed to be tested again in 8 weeks for hiv following last night and I'll be on tenterhooks regarding herpes for the next 2 weeks at least.

I'm devastated. Things have been so tough and the meds have made me so ill- and now they're increasing the doses which might increase the side effects.

At least i was only hospitalised one night, and I'm now back home, but the ocd is having a great time and I'm out of my mind with worry.

Please help. Thanks x

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Look, I can only respond honestly. You must not go for another HIV test. Doing so is a compulsion and compulsions keep you stuck.

You are stuck in the OCD cycle, getting intrusive thoughts that you could have contracted a disease, suffering immense distress and then doing compulsions to try and alleviate the distress. Only compulsions don't work for long. They solidify in your mind that there was a problem, when there wasn't. They cause more distress and doubt and lead to more intrusive thoughts and compulsions.

You do not directly control intrusive thoughts or the distress you feel. But you can control your compulsions. With less compulsions, you start to get fewer intrusive thoughts, less distress and less doubt.

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I spent two weeks in a psychiatric ward some time ago. It was not too bad. Since then there has been a 78 per cent reduction in beds. This has caused stress for patients and staff. So it is no surprise that you have had your experience. You are I think catastrophising in your statement ‘it’s all nothing’. How are the crisis team supporting you and your parents now you are at home?

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3 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Look, I can only respond honestly. You must not go for another HIV test. Doing so is a compulsion and compulsions keep you stuck.

You are stuck in the OCD cycle, getting intrusive thoughts that you could have contracted a disease, suffering immense distress and then doing compulsions to try and alleviate the distress. Only compulsions don't work for long. They solidify in your mind that there was a problem, when there wasn't. They cause more distress and doubt and lead to more intrusive thoughts and compulsions.

You do not directly control intrusive thoughts or the distress you feel. But you can control your compulsions. With less compulsions, you start to get fewer intrusive thoughts, less distress and less doubt.

Hi PB,

Yes, you're right. This was a low/no-risk event but it's really been triggered by having zopiclone when I thought (and agreed to) it being clonazepam. I've been on all the "pams" and have never sleptwalked from them. I have, however, sleptwalked on zopiclone so would never have agreed to take it had I known, as it has been so detrimental to my mental health.

I know that i must stop doing the compulsions but I'm so distraught atm that I've been checking for herpes and have physical symptoms so am convinced that tomorrow I'm going to wake up with blisters all over my fandango. I live in a perpetual state of fear.

I know that the underlying cause of my ocd is rejection- my partner has just left me, as he's had enough of the ocd, as I couldn't see him due to fears of him being contaminated with herpes or hiv. That really hurt, esp as he's suffered with ocd in the past, and we were talking marriage. I feel betrayed and rejected and that's really triggered my ocd fears again - who's going to want someone with not only severe OCD and depression, but also herpes and/or hiv?!? Not many!!

I'm terrified of being on my own, and it's hurting more and more now I'm in my mid-30's and seeing friends settling down and having kids. I can't even keep a job due to my MH issues - I'm going to re-start therapy once the meds have settled a bit and do more cbt/erp. I'm terrified as it's hell to do, but you're right that stopping compulsions is the only way to reduce the thoughts.

Should I also focus on the underlying issues in therapy I.e. fear of rejection, stigma, ostracisation, before starting erp, as it is these recurring fears driving my ocd. Erp on its own without tackling the issues has given me back a normal-ish life where I can function, but not removed the underlying fears. Would really appreciate your view, based on your experience on this.

Thank you for your advice and support. Much appreciated.  TiN xx 

 

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Guest OCDhavenobrain
11 minutes ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

Hi PB,

Yes, you're right. This was a low/no-risk event but it's really been triggered by having zopiclone when I thought (and agreed to) it being clonazepam. I've been on all the "pams" and have never sleptwalked from them. I have, however, sleptwalked on zopiclone so would never have agreed to take it had I known, as it has been so detrimental to my mental health.

I know that i must stop doing the compulsions but I'm so distraught atm that I've been checking for herpes and have physical symptoms so am convinced that tomorrow I'm going to wake up with blisters all over my fandango. I live in a perpetual state of fear.

I know that the underlying cause of my ocd is rejection- my partner has just left me, as he's had enough of the ocd, as I couldn't see him due to fears of him being contaminated with herpes or hiv. That really hurt, esp as he's suffered with ocd in the past, and we were talking marriage. I feel betrayed and rejected and that's really triggered my ocd fears again - who's going to want someone with not only severe OCD and depression, but also herpes and/or hiv?!? Not many!!

I'm terrified of being on my own, and it's hurting more and more now I'm in my mid-30's and seeing friends settling down and having kids. I can't even keep a job due to my MH issues - I'm going to re-start therapy once the meds have settled a bit and do more cbt/erp. I'm terrified as it's hell to do, but you're right that stopping compulsions is the only way to reduce the thoughts.

Should I also focus on the underlying issues in therapy I.e. fear of rejection, stigma, ostracisation, before starting erp, as it is these recurring fears driving my ocd. Erp on its own without tackling the issues has given me back a normal-ish life where I can function, but not removed the underlying fears. Would really appreciate your view, based on your experience on this.

Thank you for your advice and support. Much appreciated.  TiN xx 

 

So your thinking is that you will do compulsions one last day before you start not to do them. This is not said because i want to soumd harsh but it is because I know how they grow stronger when you do them. You really need to stop telling yourself that it is too hard at the moment to start resisting them. You don't cut them all off but you start out easy.

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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3 hours ago, Angst said:

I spent two weeks in a psychiatric ward some time ago. It was not too bad. Since then there has been a 78 per cent reduction in beds. This has caused stress for patients and staff. So it is no surprise that you have had your experience. You are I think catastrophising in your statement ‘it’s all nothing’. How are the crisis team supporting you and your parents now you are at home?

I'm glad that your experience was bearable - what type of ocd do you have? Mine's contamination and harm, both so severe atm that i can't be around other people, esp not people who are drugged up to the nines on meds and not fully compos mentos.

It was a horrific experience- the ocd was really kicking off, I had more panic attacks than cups of tea and there was nobody there to support me. I went berserk when one of the nurses forgot to lock me back in the lounge and was literally sitting in the corner as far away from the door as possible, crying and shaking and repetitively counting the seconds until she came back with whatever she had gone to get me and could lock the door again. It was torture.

I was terrified of the other patients, and whilst the night staff were nice, the day staff were too busy - I didn't even get to brush my teeth until after lunch, and only after my parents insisted. I had no bathroom.

 I only got lunch as a healthcare assistant remembered about me I had no breakfast and was locked in the lounge all morning, just crying and panicking and trying to get through it.

Ocd sufferers with severe ocd should not be placed in general psych wards. There was so little understanding and compassion, esp from the day staff, it was awful!! Never again!!

The CT are coming round every day with my meds - which have been increased- but I'm too scared to talk to them honestly about how I'm feeling in case they put me back in. So it'll be mask on and smiles all round when they come over. It shouldn't have to be like this for ocd sufferers!!! Am very angry about it! But at least the CT are monitoring the meds, but like I say, I'll have to downplay the bad bits and make it all sunshine and flowers to stay out of hospital.

How did the CT help you? How long were they involved for? Which country/county are you based in? I'm in Wales, so it's devolved healthcare, but I think it's a similar model to England.

Thanks xx

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4 minutes ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

So your thinking is that you will do compulsions one last day before you start not to do them. This is not said because i want to soumd harsh but it is because I know how they grow stronger when you do them. You really need to stop telling yourself that it is too hard at the moment to start resisting them. You don't cut them all off but you start out easy.

I've really tried to cut down on the checking "down below" and spending less time on forums, but I am ringing helplines like the herpes association and Terrence Higgins trust to try and allay my fears should i be positive. I know it's a form of reassurance seeking, but it's also a way of me telling myself that i don't have to kill myself and that I could live with herpes and esp hiv should the worst come to the worst.

I guess I'm replacing compulsions with another, but at least helplines seem to me a slightly healthier option of speaking to people with herpes and hiv and knowing that they're living normal lives with partners and families and that it's not the huge be all and end all that I've made it out to be in my head, I.e. I was thinking that I'd have to kill myself if I were diagnosed with either, now I'm starting to see that there can be life after diagnosis, esp with something as common as herpes. 

Honestly though, I'm still scared, but not of the viruses - I'm scared of the social rejection. I've been rejected a lot due to my mental health issues, and the "double stigma" terrifies me. My greatest fear is being alone and unloved. My partner leaving me for my ocd has just proven this again.

But yes, need to stop compulsions.

 Thank you for listening xxx

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25 minutes ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

Hi PB,

Yes, you're right. This was a low/no-risk event but it's really been triggered by having zopiclone when I thought (and agreed to) it being clonazepam. I've been on all the "pams" and have never sleptwalked from them. I have, however, sleptwalked on zopiclone so would never have agreed to take it had I known, as it has been so detrimental to my mental health.

I know that i must stop doing the compulsions but I'm so distraught atm that I've been checking for herpes and have physical symptoms so am convinced that tomorrow I'm going to wake up with blisters all over my fandango. I live in a perpetual state of fear.

I know that the underlying cause of my ocd is rejection- my partner has just left me, as he's had enough of the ocd, as I couldn't see him due to fears of him being contaminated with herpes or hiv. That really hurt, esp as he's suffered with ocd in the past, and we were talking marriage. I feel betrayed and rejected and that's really triggered my ocd fears again - who's going to want someone with not only severe OCD and depression, but also herpes and/or hiv?!? Not many!!

I'm terrified of being on my own, and it's hurting more and more now I'm in my mid-30's and seeing friends settling down and having kids. I can't even keep a job due to my MH issues - I'm going to re-start therapy once the meds have settled a bit and do more cbt/erp. I'm terrified as it's hell to do, but you're right that stopping compulsions is the only way to reduce the thoughts.

Should I also focus on the underlying issues in therapy I.e. fear of rejection, stigma, ostracisation, before starting erp, as it is these recurring fears driving my ocd. Erp on its own without tackling the issues has given me back a normal-ish life where I can function, but not removed the underlying fears. Would really appreciate your view, based on your experience on this.

Thank you for your advice and support. Much appreciated.  TiN xx 

 

Yes, you can certainly deal with the underlying issues. That is done under the cognitive side of CBT.

For instance, you fear being ostracized if you have herpes or HIV, yet your solution to that has been to wall yourself off from friends and lovers, a sort of self induced ostracization. Do you see that?

Edited by PolarBear
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6 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Yes, you can certainly deal with the underlying issues. That is done under the cognitive side of CBT.

For instance, you fear being ostracized if you have herpes or HIV, yet your solution to that has been to wall yourself off from friends and lovers, a sort of self induced ostracization. Do you see that?

Yes, I do. I avoided romantic relationships for a long time after 2010 /11 when my hiv fears became so intense- I threw myself into my career and was living all over the place for a few months at a time in different countries, so had no firm base to call "home".  But now i have no career and I don't think I've got any real friends - I've grown apart from my uni friends and only keep in touch sporadically with the people i met whilst living abroad in different places through social media.

I have a lot of regrets of how I spent my 20's and early 30's. I know it's a natural part of life to lose friends as you age/mature but I'm now so cut off from everyday life due to the severity of my ocd leaving me housebound that i have such little human contact. It's such a sad existence. It has to change, I know it does- I'm just terrified of doing ERP again. It's almost become a phobia in itself. How do I overcome this?

At first I thought it was the depression making me feel so hopeless, but I don't want to die - I want to live a normal, ocd-free life. How do I get over my fear of cbt/erp given how hard and upsetting I know that it is and will be? How do I change my mindset?

Thanks xx 

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Well i think in your case you need lots of cognitive work in the beginning. Learn where your thinking is off track. Learn ways to counter that.

ERP you have to do but it should be in graduated form. Take small steps at first until you get your bearings.

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22 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Well i think in your case you need lots of cognitive work in the beginning. Learn where your thinking is off track. Learn ways to counter that.

ERP you have to do but it should be in graduated form. Take small steps at first until you get your bearings.

Thanks, @PolarBear. I'm going to do it. Ocd had destroyed enough of my life. Am going to look for Skype/phone therapists now. Thank you xx

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I don't comment much on here because I always worry about saying the right thing... But I just wanted to say I relate / you're not alone. I've had awful hiv obsessions before, have ocd leave me very isolated and ending up on a ward. And I get what PB says about being scared of being ostracised, yet you do it to yourself. It's a hard place to be. But I believe it can and does get better. I'm going through therapy AGAIN and trying to learn how to be more compassionate towards myself. It's been very important. 

Sending you positive vibes. 

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19 hours ago, Em00 said:

I don't comment much on here because I always worry about saying the right thing... But I just wanted to say I relate / you're not alone. I've had awful hiv obsessions before, have ocd leave me very isolated and ending up on a ward. And I get what PB says about being scared of being ostracised, yet you do it to yourself. It's a hard place to be. But I believe it can and does get better. I'm going through therapy AGAIN and trying to learn how to be more compassionate towards myself. It's been very important. 

Sending you positive vibes. 

Thank you xx

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Hey everyone. I'm freaking out about when I was in hospital. My original hiv test came back negative and now my ocd is telling me that I've been infected with hiv/herpes - and now a new one, hepatitis- during my overnight hospital /psych ward stay.

I'm going out of my mind. I can't take anymore and just want to die. I can't talk to the professionals as they'll put me back in hospital. I called the Samaritans but all they can do is listen.

I'm so scared. My parents don't understand and just call me stupid and irrational.

Please help me!! I can't take anymore!

 

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

It is normal that you are panicking, when considering your condition and your obsessions. You just got the results and it showed negative and you are still doubting, maybe this can indicate something to you? What more proof do you need in the HIV-question?

I don't think that you should be afraid of talking with the professionals.

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27 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You really need to try and get your mind off this. Right now your mind is running around carelessly. Get involved with something else. Tty mot to get into mind debates over this.

I'm housebound- more like bedroom bound as my parents can't bear to be around me atm and just tell at me to go to my room and take more diazepam. They can't take the panic attacks and crying. I'm trying to distract myself but nothing is working. 

I have nothing and no one to distract me. I'm completely alone.

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28 minutes ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

It is normal that you are panicking, when considering your condition and your obsessions. You just got the results and it showed negative and you are still doubting, maybe this can indicate something to you? What more proof do you need in the HIV-question?

I don't think that you should be afraid of talking with the professionals.

It was the professionals who put me in the unsuitable environment of the psych ward in the first place. I'm having no contact with the crisis team at all, I absolutely do not trust them after they made me go into that place, knowing it would only make me worse.

There's no professional help for me. I can't do cbt/erp on my own. I'm in a desperate state and just want the pain to stop. 

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Guest OCDhavenobrain
20 minutes ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

Also, I've been on Prozac 20mg now for nearly 3 weeks and am having awful side effects- in particular anger, agitation, verbal aggression and suicidal ideation. Has anyone else experienced this and does it go away? Thanks xx

First the post above. I am sorry but they haven't done anything wrong, the wrong here is your OCD. Please be angry at your OCD not the people around you. I know it is hard. 

SO when it comes to SSRI, I really don't remember how it was starting, mostly done withdrawing from them. But all those things is not strange to feel. Now i remember when I started on them, I feelt a unpleasant warmth and kinda spaced out. Prozac is sertraline right? 20mg is pretty low. 200mg is maxdose. Don't obsess about it. 

 

But my first point is what I would wish you to consider.

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27 minutes ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

Also, I've been on Prozac 20mg now for nearly 3 weeks and am having awful side effects- in particular anger, agitation, verbal aggression and suicidal ideation. Has anyone else experienced this and does it go away? Thanks xx

Hi,

When starting Prozac, my doctor prescribes 20mg, but to alternate it daily for the first couple of weeks, so you are effectively taking 10mg. It can be a bit harsh to start with, but I reckon you are over the worst of the side effect and will benefit from it soon! I myself take 30mg, by alternating 20mg and 40mg every other day.

8 minutes ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

 Prozac is sertraline right? 20mg is pretty low. 200mg is maxdose. Don't obsess about it. 

No, Prozac is fluoxetine, & I think the max dose is about 60mg.

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Guest OCDhavenobrain
Just now, felix4 said:

Hi,

When starting Prozac, my doctor prescribes 20mg, but to alternate it daily for the first couple of weeks, so you are effectively taking 10mg. It can be a bit harsh to start with, but I reckon you are over the worst of the side effect and will benefit from it soon! I myself take 30mg, by alternating 20mg and 40mg every other day.

No, Prozac is fluoxetine, & I think the max dose is about 60mg.

I see. I was on escitalopram. Maxdose there is 20 and was as high as 25mg. But the s ymptoms seems to be the same when it comes to SSRI. Irritation is one I can relate to very much! BUT could also be that it is OCD which makes us irritated. I have had problems with irritation when I have had periods of thoughts. 

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6 hours ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

Hey everyone. I'm freaking out about when I was in hospital. My original hiv test came back negative and now my ocd is telling me that I've been infected with hiv/herpes - and now a new one, hepatitis- during my overnight hospital /psych ward stay.

I'm going out of my mind. I can't take anymore and just want to die. I can't talk to the professionals as they'll put me back in hospital. I called the Samaritans but all they can do is listen.

I'm so scared. My parents don't understand and just call me stupid and irrational.

Please help me!! I can't take anymore!

 

Hi again,

I'm sorry to hear how much you're struggling right now. Previously you said that you were looking for therapists - how's that going? It's so difficult to do CBT by yourself, especially when your anxiety is off the charts, so it's really important you try to get some more help as soon as possible.

This is just a suggestion, and it's completely up to you whether you want to give it a go, but some people have said that they got through similar fears by 'accepting' they were going to die. In your case, that would mean accepting that you've got HIV, herpes, all the hepatitis viruses, the lot, and it's going to kill you, and there's nothing you can do about it. Then do things that make you happy as you 'live out' your final days, until you realise that, actually, it's all OK. Sounds extreme, I know, but perhaps an extreme measure is needed in situations like this.

Edited by bobfish
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