I'm going to try again.

[ocdsufferer85]

Hi I'm going to try again to move forward

I feel like it's the most monumental task 

Ocd has taken a moment in time and made me replay it over and over until I question every single part of it, when really at the time I wasn't fully aware until after, when the doubts came in.

I set out with no intentions of being bad, but somehow it made me feel like I did something I feared the most.

Ocd didn't like me being able to relax and face it, or to trust myself...it took that away as soon as it could.

I feel like the moment I actually started to beat it and be more 'normal' it used this against me to bring me down. 

I feel like it's going to be the hardest Job in the world to get past it. My stomach is churning and I feel riddled with guilt and doubt. I'm so uncomfortable and unsure of everything. 

But I am going to try to get past it.

[cookiemonster]

Well done. Break tasks down in to small chunks. Take regular exercise. Keep calm and celebrate each bit of progress. There will be backwards steps. Accept them . Keep thinking if your progress. 

[ocdsufferer85]

I'm really anxious and I don't feel too well 

[ocdsufferer85]

Usually when I have an intrusive thought I know it's coming, sometimes it just flies in out of the blue, but how come when I think that I'm finally more free of it does it then attack, why when I'm more logical does it take that away, and turn that onto "how could you act that way" "you were just So cocky" "you chose to be bad" "you decided to risk it" "you tried to act out" "you thought you could test me" "what kind of person stops being careful at such an important moment" "why did you freeze up" "why did you consider it" "what kind of monster does what you did" 

Those questions take me down, it's impossible to get up most of the time. It's like a constant battle against those! 

"you know what you did" "you caused this" "you are evil" "nobody else would do such a thing" "how could you do this"  "it's all your fault now live with it"

I feel like it's kicking me repeatedly until I no longer feel worthy of living.

Edited August 11, 2018 by ocdsufferer85

[PolarBear]

You started this thread by saying you are going to make changes. Not many hours later you are back asking the same old compulsive questions.

This is what needs to stop.

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Stop using the forum and go to a therapist and let him tell you all about OCD. You need to understand OCD. 

Now when you have the will.

[ocdsufferer85]

11 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You started this thread by saying you are going to make changes. Not many hours later you are back asking the same old compulsive questions.

This is what needs to stop.

I don't understand, I'm not asking ANY questions, I'm saying that is what I'm facing. I don't want any reassurance. 

Its impossible to just talk on here!

[ocdsufferer85]

10 hours ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

Stop using the forum and go to a therapist and let him tell you all about OCD. You need to understand OCD. 

Now when you have the will.

I have a therapist. If I could believe them easily I'd be cured.

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

13 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I have a therapist. If I could believe them easily I'd be cured.

It's your only choice if you want to get better. Having a therapist is not the same as doing the hard work. However i feel pretty confident that he could be bad at what he is doing, or maybe it is you who do the same there as you do here. In all due respect but I would bet my money on the last one.

 

BTW if you have this notion that someone should convince you before you can follow their advices or even trust them then you are in a world of pain, so ditch that right away.

Edited August 12, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[PolarBear]

35 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I don't understand, I'm not asking ANY questions, I'm saying that is what I'm facing. I don't want any reassurance. 

Its impossible to just talk on here!

Alright. I get you. My apologies.

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Sufferer could you read this thread? 

 

Try to really take it in, he is/was suffering from OCD just like you are. 

[ocdsufferer85]

OK thank you

[ocdsufferer85]

No my therapist is nice, she is the best one, but I keep failing

[ocdsufferer85]

I read it, it does make sense and I can relate to it so much, but the one thing I struggle with is when people say it's just a thought and you are not your thoughts. My ruminating is going over something I felt I did wrong, like I reacted to the thoughts wrongly, I'm doubting weather I did something wrong, and that makes the voice "it's not ocd, you acted" so much louder. At the time I felt like I did wrong or at least afterwards when the crazy what ifs came in. Either way I worry I acted in a bad way. The feelings the thoughts gave me felt real, like I could just act out, it then felt like I was careless and so on. Obviously ocd has blown the whole thing up massively and made me question everything. But this is why I fear reading about ocd...I always think that's not me....I'm worse....I actually AM evil. Endless websites stating "you will never act" just fill me with guilt and dread and fear and they keep it going. As explained on my earlier threads, I recognise so many types of ocd I have and had in the past...and at the time I KNEW it was ocd...it didn't make it easier at the time but it certainly helped me to recover and set myself goals. I was able to forgive myself. This one really doesn't shift and it's so heartbreaking. It's so much more complex. The rumination and guilt kills me. I just want you to all know I am desperate to try and get better but this is the reason why I don't seem to take in your advice because inside me I feel like it's not ocd. This is the worst. I am so frightened to think that it could just be that I am beyond the illness and that's it. This is why I ask, I want to be able to take in WHY it's ocd. The whole thing. 

Please be careful if replying, if I read something that could trigger me I'll be way worse. I can't handle more. 

Thank you. 

 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

8 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I read it, it does make sense and I can relate to it so much, but the one thing I struggle with is when people say it's just a thought and you are not your thoughts. My ruminating is going over something I felt I did wrong, like I reacted to the thoughts wrongly, I'm doubting weather I did something wrong, and that makes the voice "it's not ocd, you acted" so much louder. At the time I felt like I did wrong or at least afterwards when the crazy what ifs came in. Either way I worry I acted in a bad way. The feelings the thoughts gave me felt real, like I could just act out, it then felt like I was careless and so on. Obviously ocd has blown the whole thing up massively and made me question everything. But this is why I fear reading about ocd...I always think that's not me....I'm worse....I actually AM evil. Endless websites stating "you will never act" just fill me with guilt and dread and fear and they keep it going. As explained on my earlier threads, I recognise so many types of ocd I have and had in the past...and at the time I KNEW it was ocd...it didn't make it easier at the time but it certainly helped me to recover and set myself goals. I was able to forgive myself. This one really doesn't shift and it's so heartbreaking. It's so much more complex. The rumination and guilt kills me. I just want you to all know I am desperate to try and get better but this is the reason why I don't seem to take in your advice because inside me I feel like it's not ocd. This is the worst. I am so frightened to think that it could just be that I am beyond the illness and that's it. This is why I ask, I want to be able to take in WHY it's ocd. The whole thing. 

 Please be careful if replying, if I read something that could trigger me I'll be way worse. I can't handle more. 

Thank you. 

 

And you have to accept that it could be worse. That you could be evil. You don't need to say that you are evil not even short-term. But the possibility. Because that uncertainty, that grain of uncertainty is what drives it all. It is really hard but that is also why we are so stuck, due to it being so very hard. 

I would like to advice you to read other peoples stories, you are really not alone with all of this. There is nothing new in what you just wrote when it comes to OCD. 

 

It may sound harsh but it is not other peoples responsibility not to trigger the thoughts, what other people says is not the problem, NOT even the thoughts are the problem. Do your best to stop yourself from outsourcing your compulsions on to other people. 

Edited August 13, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[ocdsufferer85]

What is the forum for? Whatever I type I get told it's wrong. I thought it was to be supported. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

9 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

What is the forum for? Whatever I type I get told it's wrong. I thought it was to be supported. 

I am sorry ocdsuferer85 but you are essentially demanding us to engage in your compulsions, even if it is against better knowledge. Nobody who wants to help you should follow this. 

Could it be that no matter how you twist it is still OCD? 

Here are a few in the forum who have recovered, wouldn't it be farfetched to believe that everyone of them wants to hurt you? In some sadistic way by denying you what you think is the solution. 

 

Take care OCDsufferer85, hope you can follow through on what you said initially. It is a really good plan!

Edited August 13, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[ocdsufferer85]

1 hour ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

I am sorry ocdsuferer85 but you are essentially demanding us to engage in your compulsions, even if it is against better knowledge. Nobody who wants to help you should follow this. 

Could it be that no matter how you twist it is still OCD? 

Here are a few in the forum who have recovered, wouldn't it be farfetched to believe that everyone of them wants to hurt you? In some sadistic way by denying you what you think is the solution. 

 

Take care OCDsufferer85, hope you can follow through on what you said initially. It is a really good plan!

Who are the few who recovered? 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Deleted.

 I don't think I can add more. Good luck either way

Edited August 13, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[felix4]

Hi O/S85,

Tell me something! Deep down, is there part of you that fears getting better?

Is the fear of you losing your moral compass something that is holding you back perhaps?

 

[paradoxer]

9 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

Who are the few who recovered? 

I'm considerably recovered, 75% I'd say. Accepting the thoughts is important - every time you try to fight them you make OCD all the more ingrained.  And, as for how you feel - from a cognitive point of view - it doesn't matter how you feel, it's what you do, or don't do re the disorder that counts. Want to feel better in the long run ... be in with a chance of beating OCD? Be ready to feel worse in the short run.  

Edited August 14, 2018 by paradoxer

[ocdsufferer85]

10 hours ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

Deleted.

 I don't think I can add more. Good luck either way

Deleted?  I'm confused!

[ocdsufferer85]

9 hours ago, felix4 said:

Hi O/S85,

Tell me something! Deep down, is there part of you that fears getting better?

Is the fear of you losing your moral compass something that is holding you back perhaps?

 

No I'd love to recover