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i keep falling off


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the bandwagon of progress and in a sense going back 2 square 1 (ie not allowing myself 2 do/buy things etc etc) . When im on it, i see things much more clearly, work hard 2 make good sensible decisions 2 keep myself going aand try 2 get everything (unfortunately) right.  But im hard on myself, have an awful job forgiving some mistakes (even tho ive said and written down that i can forgive), and eventually fall off, feeling that once again i have 2 dissallow things. When im "ok" , i am tense , dont let up the pressure of doing things (because i at last can) and try 2 catch up with things i should have been able 2 do b4. Fear fear fear and chronic bad habits. And i keep forgetting what i learn when thinking clearly.

As you all know by now, i cant type much due 2 back pain so i cant explain a lot at one go, but this is so awful cos everything stops. I am so used 2 living with physical restrictions that i cant help much, but these mental ones are just as crippling. Any further comments welcome. 

Edited by bendylouise
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Bendylouise, your being way to hard on yourself :(

If only it was as simple as that we would all be cured in no time at all, you will have good days, bad days and some weeks maybe better than others, it’s all about what you learn when it’s good and what you learn when it’s bad and then you will eventually get to meet at the higher end of the scale so to speak and then it will all just fall together nicely. Try not to put presssure on yourself when it’s good, keep calm and do what you want to do and not what you feel should have done before, this will cause you tension and anxiety and you need to begin to feel the calmness without the anxiety and tension to which you are accustomed, so your not actually feeling the full potential of a good day. Try to take a so what approach on a good day and just enjoy what you feel you would like to do for that day and not what you feel you should do and then just take it one day at a time. Remember that bad days are just as important as good days if not more so because this is when you learn where you are going wrong and what you can do to change it. So it’s important to embrace and celebrate both :)

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I agree with lost.

You will have slip ups. They are going to happen. Try to be a little easier on yourself. Try to stop doing things perfectly. None of us do that. You do your best and that's it. And nothing you do or don't do requires punishment. You are okay just the way you are.

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1 hour ago, lostinme said:
1 hour ago, lostinme said:

it’s all about what you learn when it’s good and what you learn when it’s bad and then you will eventually get to meet at the higher end of the scale so to speak and then it will all just fall together nicely.

 

Hi Lost. Thanks 4 an interesting and useful reply. I feel i hv so much 2 learn and progress is so incredibly slow, bcos the only way 2 do it is the right way ie bit by bit and practicing and with courage.  I hv trouble even remembering the big stuff ie lessons fronm good and bad days., its soul destroying. I dont want 2 b digging deep or monitoring myself constantlly, but i notice every little thing i do "wrong" eg repeat smthg (somtimes not even sure if i need 2  or its a compulsion) and its a huge deal and i need 2 feel right b4 i can carry on. The effort req is huge and u cant take huge leaps  cos it backfires.  

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8 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

I agree with lost.

You will have slip ups. They are going to happen. Try to be a little easier on yourself. Try to stop doing things perfectly. None of us do that. You do your best and that's it. And nothing you do or don't do requires punishment. You are okay just the way you are.

Thank u PB. Somehow this all needs working on. 

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3 hours ago, bendylouise said:

Hi Lost. Thanks 4 an interesting and useful reply. I feel i hv so much 2 learn and progress is so incredibly slow, bcos the only way 2 do it is the right way ie bit by bit and practicing and with courage.  I hv trouble even remembering the big stuff ie lessons fronm good and bad days., its soul destroying. I dont want 2 b digging deep or monitoring myself constantlly, but i notice every little thing i do "wrong" eg repeat smthg (somtimes not even sure if i need 2  or its a compulsion) and its a huge deal and i need 2 feel right b4 i can carry on. The effort req is huge and u cant take huge leaps  cos it backfires.  

Remember the saying don’t run before you can walk, this applies great when doing your cbt. Don’t be so hard on yourself, the fact is you keep trying and that’s all you can do. The more you do it the easier it will become but it can take time. When choosing to stop doing a compulsion you need to do it at a steady slow pace, slowly increasing the amount of times you dont do it, it could take a matter of days, weeks, months, it’s very much an individual thing that you can’t put a time on, it takes as long as it takes. Try not to get sucked into a definite OCD trait of waiting until it feels just right because this leads to a false sense of security and I’m afraid this is feeding the OCD. 

 

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14 hours ago, lostinme said:

 Try not to get sucked into a definite OCD trait of waiting until it feels just right because this leads to a false sense of security and I’m afraid this is feeding the OCD. 

 

Ta 4 reply Lost.  I'm struggling like hell with this at mo and saying all sorts of neg things 2 myself. Im trying 2 dig deep 2 find how 2 move on . I keep threatening myself. I know writing rules isnt brilliant cos there should b no rules, but wouldnt i b better off trying 2 follow my "good rules again?

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

Can I just ask you one thing? Is it a compulsion of yours to use 2 and 4 instead of letters? 


Like the others are telling you it is really hard and I don't think it is such a huge accomplishment to understand because everyone of us can sympathize very well because it is so close to heart. 

Also I would like you to questiong this notion that you can't do this and that because you are feeling tense. 

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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  • 2 months later...
On 13/08/2018 at 17:07, lostinme said:

Bendylouise, your being way to hard on yourself :(

If only it was as simple as that we would all be cured in no time at all, you will have good days, bad days and some weeks maybe better than others, it’s all about what you learn when it’s good and what you learn when it’s bad and then you will eventually get to meet at the higher end of the scale so to speak and then it will all just fall together nicely. Try not to put presssure on yourself when it’s good, keep calm and do what you want to do and not what you feel should have done before, this will cause you tension and anxiety and you need to begin to feel the calmness without the anxiety and tension to which you are accustomed, so your not actually feeling the full potential of a good day. Try to take a so what approach on a good day and just enjoy what you feel you would like to do for that day and not what you feel you should do and then just take it one day at a time. Remember that bad days are just as important as good days if not more so because this is when you learn where you are going wrong and what you can do to change it. So it’s important to embrace and celebrate both :)

Hi everyone

I,ve been reading this again cos i've fallen off again. Its been an enormous struggle but ive been making myself do a lot of things despite ocd reasons not to. Reason i managed this was desperation and hard resolve.  However, due 2 wanting more so i could be free of ocd, i promised myself that when i came back from holiday i could do anything i wanted. But even b4 i went the plan failed cos of an obsessive thought so then i made a bargain with myself 2 do a compulsion and then i could do anything i wanted 2 do.  This got complicated and didnt work out and now im going backwards and feel  desperate 2 gain proper control again.  Any Insight on this would b appreciated.

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Your problem, as always, is that you invented rules around this. First you made a rule that you could do anything you wanted AFTER you got back from holidays. That didn't work. Then you made a rule that if you did a compulsion, you could do anything you wanted. That didn't work.

You need to realize that these rules you set ARE compulsions. And they never work. They keep you stuck.

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Yes i understand what u r saying.  It worked 4 a while tho, and if i had got it right would have worked again. I have def been freer since i followed my good rules and these were started by me saying and feeling i'd had enough and putting some good rules in place eg  i can do some things even if i feel things arn't clean or even if i make any kind of mistake. b4 i went on holiday i did not feel i could take the exrtra step but thought i could use the the impetus the holiday gave me 2 be brave when i returned. I feel  now tho that i have 2 earn power to move on. Magical thinking interferes heavily.

Edited by bendylouise
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