Jump to content

Other stress making me worse


Recommended Posts

Hello.

I've been trying to post a lot less than I usually do as was concerned I was spamming the forum and acting compulsively. But today I just really need an outlet.

We are massively understaffed on my department generally and now due to holiday and injury, I am running the department on my own. My manager is in but says she can't do anything (she has an injury. She can do a lot more than she is saying she can) so I'm doing 3 people's work on my own for the next two weeks and then another four weeks of holiday cover afterwards. It is causing me a lot of distress and my worry about the night out is affecting me a lot. I don't feel like I can live with the fact I even put myself in the situation I did and because I can't remember everything I feel very concerned.

I know certain things I worried about pertaining to this issue previously are irrational and don't make sense (ie trying to work out if I knew about it before now etc) but I find I'm very triggered by the fact that most OCD is 'against people's core values' because in actual fact I did go out on that night out in order to flirt etc. to get back at my partner after years of obsessing about him. Now I wonder if I always falsely believed that I didn't do anything on that night because I never considered that as a possibility. I never thought about this night a lot and once even asked myself why don't I think about it?

I really don't understand how you can believe one thing for two years and then all of a sudden think the opposite. But I was deep in the obsession about my partner so probably preoccupied or justified it to myself somehow. I feel like I'm faulty and I'm a horrible person who's done all of these horrible things and it's not affected me until now.

I don't feel I have anything I can do to rectify any of this.

And the added pressure of work, the fact that I dislike the job anyway and now being told by management that she won't be doing anything so I'll be doing it all, then the pressure from the possible new job wanting references, I just feel like I'm crumbling.

Edited by Headwreck
Link to comment

I have got far too much to do in work to allow myself to be this upset. I woke up today worried I'd missed something in work and done it wrong but it soon switched back to the night out again like it always does. I know it's self inflicted, that's both this reaction and the problem with the night out in general, but I'm struggling and can't afford this for the next few weeks while I'm doing so much work. 

I've told them about the depression and possible OCD but they do not take it seriously, yet someone has a physical injury (not even a major one I might add and caused by silly act) and everyone is up in arms.

Edited by Headwreck
Link to comment

Headwreck, I’ve been in the same state of mind you are a few times over the years, and I know from personal experience it is just awful. The last time I was really in a state was when I finally agreed to go on meds, and I wholeheartedly listened to my therapist and tried to do exactly as she said. Not that I hadn’t to other therapists in the past, but I ‘managed’ the OCD rather than tried to deal with it properly. 

Don't get me wrong, I’m by no means 100% yet, but I know my triggers and I know what to do to help myself. 

I hope I’m not speaking out of turn but I really would go and see your gp, today if poss, and ask about anxiety medication and ask to go on the waiting list for CBT. I would also if you can go back for CBT with a private therapist in the mean time maybe, who is very experienced. If you are Essex or London I know of at least one who is brilliant. Feel free to inbox me. 

If your work place are that hot on your medical history like they seem, they should know that they are also breaking many rules putting you in this situation, given what you’ve told them. That sounds like a ridiculous amount of work for anyone, so when you are calm I would write a list of what you have to do and prioritise it accordingly. I would then ask for a meeting with your boss and tell her what is reasonably possible for you to get done and what is not. This is not you not being able to deal with things, this is you taking control, as she’s not at all.

I know this job means everything to you, but I can’t help but feel that if you get the right help now, you could be in a much better place soon. Could you reapply again later maybe? They cannot discriminate. 

Hope you don’t mind me saying all the above, but again I can see OCD screaming out from your post, and like I said before, when it’s ourselves we just can’t recognise it sometimes, especially when anxiety is high. I so wish I had gone on my meds and really thrown myself in to therapy much much sooner, which is why I’m saying this to you now. 

Stress and tiredness make my OCD and anxiety far far worse,  so I have to keep a close eye on these, so the situation you are in at the moment is probably making everything more jumbled than ever. My meds have really helped my anxiety.

You will get through this, stay positive x

Edited by Dragonfly
Link to comment
3 hours ago, Dragonfly said:

Headwreck, I’ve been in the same state of mind you are a few times over the years, and I know from personal experience it is just awful. The last time I was really in a state was when I finally agreed to go on meds, and I wholeheartedly listened to my therapist and tried to do exactly as she said. Not that I hadn’t to other therapists in the past, but I ‘managed’ the OCD rather than tried to deal with it properly. 

Don't get me wrong, I’m by no means 100% yet, but I know my triggers and I know what to do to help myself. 

I hope I’m not speaking out of turn but I really would go and see your gp, today if poss, and ask about anxiety medication and ask to go on the waiting list for CBT. I would also if you can go back for CBT with a private therapist in the mean time maybe, who is very experienced. If you are Essex or London I know of at least one who is brilliant. Feel free to inbox me. 

If your work place are that hot on your medical history like they seem, they should know that they are also breaking many rules putting you in this situation, given what you’ve told them. That sounds like a ridiculous amount of work for anyone, so when you are calm I would write a list of what you have to do and prioritise it accordingly. I would then ask for a meeting with your boss and tell her what is reasonably possible for you to get done and what is not. This is not you not being able to deal with things, this is you taking control, as she’s not at all.

I know this job means everything to you, but I can’t help but feel that if you get the right help now, you could be in a much better place soon. Could you reapply again later maybe? They cannot discriminate. 

Hope you don’t mind me saying all the above, but again I can see OCD screaming out from your post, and like I said before, when it’s ourselves we just can’t recognise it sometimes, especially when anxiety is high. I so wish I had gone on my meds and really thrown myself in to therapy much much sooner, which is why I’m saying this to you now. 

Stress and tiredness make my OCD and anxiety far far worse,  so I have to keep a close eye on these, so the situation you are in at the moment is probably making everything more jumbled than ever. My meds have really helped my anxiety.

You will get through this, stay positive x

Thanks Dragonfly. I won't be able to make an appointment for today as I'm a one man band in work. The prospective new job is a completely different thing to what I'm doing now, completely separate entity. It has taken 2 years in application stages and tests, etc. to get to this stage and recruitment is not very often. All of these factors influence my actions and decisions.

I am just so up and down mentally. One minute I feel suicidal, everything is terrible, I want to die, etc. and then there are times like now where I'm okay, the belief about the night out is still there but it isn't getting to me as much as just hours earlier. I can be okay until I think about it. I remember being so entrenched in the idea my partner cheated as well to the point where I lived and breathed it, even without anxiety I thought it was all true and was true for years to me until this. And now this is the same. Surely OCD can't do that as it's only anxiety driven really?x

Edited by Headwreck
Link to comment

I do find sometimes that I remind myself I have OCD and this is probably what this is, just based on other behaviours and worries I've had such as checking behaviour, how I worry about work and how I've worried about things I've done generally from relationship to worrying about being pregnant and getting drs to test me to worrying I've hurt a family member etc. But I find telling myself that it's OCD ends up feeling like reassurance and also a bit of an excuse. 

Edited by Headwreck
Link to comment

Hi Headwreck,

In terms of your work situation - your manager I presume Is responsible for the department you are in? I assume she is paid accordingly for the extra responsibility? has she granted the leave for so many people at one time? Ultimately the buck stops with her. She will have to answer to her superiors and your  customers if things become too much, she cannot expect you to do the work of 3 people. 

I don't know what line of work your in - but she needs to do what she is paid for and step up and help, lead by example etc. 

I think Dragonfly has given some great advice regards to how to go about tackling your boss. 

Link to comment
Guest OCDhavenobrain

You know it could be an opportunity, that you have this much work. But just in case you are being able to pull it off. 

I would also offer the suggestion that it could be your OCD which are analyzing this way too much. 

I do agree that we all tend to search for reassurance, and it is oftentimes really tricky, OCD won't lay down and die on its own just because you have the knowledge. It just gets more complex. An example would be if someone who clean their hands 30 times a day read about other people who do the same and get convinced that it is silly, the OCD will throw another thought at you.

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
Link to comment

Assuming you are in the UK, as dragonfly says your employer has statutory responsibility for your health and safety.

You obviously cannot provide the usual standard of service at the moment. Prioritise.

I have been in temporary sirltuations like this during holiday or sickness cover and found that customers would be sympathetic if I engaged with them and explained there was a delay because....... 

OCD will try to worm its way in when we are under stress - but we don't have to listen to it. This is where "The Four Steps"  works well. Spot the OCD, label it, re-attribute the intrusion to OCD, refocus away, then revalue your experience back to the true character you really are. 

You can do this my friend. 

Link to comment

Thanks for the warm responses. I told my manager a few months ago about the depression and the OCD and she just kind of shrugged it off. The mentality in there is that everyone is happy happy all the time, their biggest concern is whatever reality show is on TV and they can't compute when someone says they aren't happy. It's a very sterile environment and I struggle with that. I'm based in the UK so know a little about work laws etc but this is a small business and they don't even have an official HR dept.

Today I had a really horrible dream, everyone in it was telling me I was a disgusting person and that I should kill myself, referencing to the night out I worry about as well. It's all really taking a toll on me and the dream as hit me hard. I don't know how much more I can put up with of all this.

Edited by Headwreck
Link to comment

 Rules are rules whatever the size of the business :yes:

Remember, OCD makes connections, links, back to the thing we fear - and it racks up its efforts when we are stressed. 

Be strong, resistance is NOT futile :)

You can come through this Headwreck - when the going gets tough, what do the tough do?  And we are ALL tougher than we think :yes:

You can go out there today, and throw yourself into the work - prioritising, keeping things going albeit temporarily not smoothly, just keep it moving along. 

You can do this :)

 

Edited by taurean
Link to comment

Thanks Taurean, you're right, I'll try and get my head down in work and get through the day, have a feeling my manager won't even be in today at all so it is going to be difficult. Just going to have to try and be as quick and productive as possible.

I find mentally I'm always at my worst in the morning, think it's something to do with knowing there is a whole day ahead as evenings are not as bad. Will give myself tasks ie try not to give the obsession any airtime for the next X hours, always fail but will keep trying today as don't have the space in my brain for it.

Link to comment

I have just realised something, can anyone relate to this?

When I obsessed about my partner I 100% did not think it was OCD, I didn't even consider it as OCD, maybe only once or twice I thought maybe it was but it was very short lived and I was completely bought into my partner being a cheat. When my partner said it was OCD I convinced myself that he was 'gaslighting' (making me falsely believe I was mentally unwell). But this time around I'm so confused because I keep considering it may be OCD. OCD was never really considered by me with my previous obsession, even though I do have OCD but I classed it exclusively as checking only. Does this make sense to anyone? Just wanted to ask people who may understand what I mean?

Link to comment

OK here is some help. 

Don't worry about "has anyone else had something similar?" - what matters is is it OCD or not? 

Go to the OCD-UK main website www.ocduk.org and look at the tab "about OCD"  which will guide you. 

Regards 

Roy 

Link to comment
On 15/08/2018 at 08:39, Headwreck said:

I have got far too much to do in work to allow myself to be this upset. I woke up today worried I'd missed something in work and done it wrong but it soon switched back to the night out again like it always does. I know it's self inflicted, that's both this reaction and the problem with the night out in general, but I'm struggling and can't afford this for the next few weeks while I'm doing so much work. 

I've told them about the depression and possible OCD but they do not take it seriously, yet someone has a physical injury (not even a major one I might add and caused by silly act) and everyone is up in arms.

I know what you mean and to be honest, my own paranoia about how employers consider mental illness has made me shy away from ever mentioning it because I don’t want the judgemental stuff. I also realise how much it sucks when people look at physical injury as worse  

I think it’s general OCD practice that other stressors are going to impact your OCD. I know for me that my OCD is far much worse when my home life or work life is stressed.  I guess in times like this that you just have to make time for you to unwind and relax and let your anxieties drop. Avoiding the compulsions would be the best bet because that isn’t helpful but obviously that’s easier said than done. 

Also, for the record, you are a cool lady. You don’t have to prove yourself. 

Link to comment
On 16/08/2018 at 12:42, Headwreck said:

I have just realised something, can anyone relate to this?

When I obsessed about my partner I 100% did not think it was OCD, I didn't even consider it as OCD, maybe only once or twice I thought maybe it was but it was very short lived and I was completely bought into my partner being a cheat. When my partner said it was OCD I convinced myself that he was 'gaslighting' (making me falsely believe I was mentally unwell). But this time around I'm so confused because I keep considering it may be OCD. OCD was never really considered by me with my previous obsession, even though I do have OCD but I classed it exclusively as checking only. Does this make sense to anyone? Just wanted to ask people who may understand what I mean?

Hi Headwreck, 

I actually nearly started a thread about themes again the other day. I may still do it, but basically it was going to be about how my themes have changed over the years, just because they have, but also about how I managed to get over certain ones too myself, but also how certain ones have stuck. I didn’t post in the end as it was a bit jumbled; one part positive, hopefully helpful too though, but the next asking for answers.

The reason I relate the above to you is that as I have said in before, I’ve had the cheating theme, I’ve also had the doubting my partner being faithful too. OCD will play tricks, it will sometimes try to make us believe anything if we let it! The fact you 100% believed your partner cheated and you didn’t entertain it as being OCD is the OCD playing games again - and winning completely on this occasion! You really do need to stop ‘figuring’ this out all the time. And please don’t think I’m being harsh, but I would see your GP. I bet once you get your anxiety under control, and hopefully can then work on your CBT better, you will be so pleased and wonder why you didn’t do this sooner - just us I did! :)

Sometimes in life we have to rearrange plans to cater for something else, but in my experience it usually all works out for the best! And this is your health. You can do this! X

Link to comment

Thanks for the responses. I've started looking into private therapy again but struggling to find anyone who seems suitable. The last two I've tried haven't seemed to be right. So it makes me wonder if I actually need a therapist or if the therapists just don't suit me because in actual fact there is nothing to treat me for.

I won't be able to visit my GP for at least another 5 weeks due to holidays and sickness in work so there is no time for me to go.

Part of me thinks I'm using an OCD diagnosis as an excuse. I do have OCD when it comes to checking but this seems too far away from my other theme to be considered as a part of it. Who knows. Just sick to the back teeth of looking forward to sleeping and dreading waking up every morning, having to try to gee myself up every day telling myself I only have to get through the day then will be bed time again soon. What sort of sorry excuse of a life is that? 

Link to comment

I'm an hour away from home for work and I'm worried that I have left the dog out in the house with the cat and I'll come home and they will have killed or hurt each other (mainly that the cat will blind the dog or that the dog might kill the cat). Or maybe the dog will eat the cat litter and poo and get seriously ill. My pets are like my babies and I can't bear it. I couldn't go home to check because my partner would have gone mad having to drive back and I can't ask him if they were kept separate because he would get mad that I am making him doubt himself but I dont remember him putting the dog away and I certainly didn't. I asked once if he did and he said yes but I don't believe him. My dog, she is only tiny and she is so quiet and well behaved that sometimes we have almost forgotten she is there only for me to point it out but this morning I was distracted. I have the whole day to get through and can't bear it. I also despise this job and the situations I am always put in here. My checking seems to be playing up too ie I found myself staring at taps again the other day and staring at my water bottle yesterday to make sure I didn't drop a tablet in it instead of taking it even though one of my rituals for taking the tablet is spinning it in my mouth 5, 10 or 15 times and I know I did that but I couldn't leave the bottle alone afterwards, I usually check the bottle but I couldn't stop yesterday. I only usually check taps etc. like that when I'm locking up on my own but my partner was around this time so usually I don't feel a need to but recently I feel I must. I feel like I'm making this all up to make myself think I have OCD and an excuse for the night out.

The worry seems to switch between the night out and then something else before going back to the night out again. I feel so tearful and I can't pinpoint why. Is it normal to feel worried 24/7?

Edited by Headwreck
Link to comment

It's normal to have problems with our OCD when under stress 

Read through all that stuff you posted. See how improbable it all is, but the OCD is exaggerating it, making 2 + 2 = 5 ( which of course it doesn't). 

The illness will make connections, try and link things back to your worst fears. 

Get yourself focused away and onto other things. 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...