Enjoying the thoughts in the moment than feeling like I don’t after

[NJ321]

I don’t know how to feel about this. I must be a pedophile of sorts. I was at work helping a few people & one of the items of merchandise they were purchasing it almost tipped over & the young girl almost grabbed it but than I got to it first. But than after I had feelings like I wanted us to touch & it didn’t even feel like OCD. I can’t remember what exact thoughts but it felt like I wanted us to touch & it didn’t feel like an intrusive thought but like I really wanted it to happen. I’m so confused right now & don’t know what to think. In the moment it felt like it wasn’t OCD in any way & like I was attracted to the girl & wanted something to happen. Is it possible to like the thoughts & it not feeling like OCD only for the OCD to kick in after? I don’t know how to even type this out since I’m just confused. I don’t know if I felt like I wanted something to happen in the moment or not. I just feel like I was attracted to the girl or something in the moment & it not feeling like OCD than a bit afterwards it kicked in like OCD where I feel disgusted. I’m just really confused if the OCD feelings don’t kick in until after but in the moment it’s like it doesn’t feel like OCD. I don’t know how to explain this at all. I remember after I grabbed the item it felt like my whole mind changed into feeling like I wouldn’t care if we touched or just something happening. My mind is just not feeling right at the moment. Can I feel like I’m attracted to someone than not a bit after?

Edited August 19, 2018 by NJ321

[NJ321]

I just can’t get over that feeling I had where it felt like I was actually attracted to the girl. Can it feel like I’m attracted to them for more than a just a few seconds? It was a bit afterwards I think where it was like why did I feel like that. I just don’t know. It’s like I feel like I’m a pedophile now. Can there be actual attraction than wonder why I felt that way afterwards than have intrusive thoughts over why?

[PolarBear]

This is just a repeat of the last thread you started. And the one before that.

Keep thinking the same old things and doing the same things and you'll remain stuck right where you are.

[paradoxer]

To the OP - how to post an OCD ritual in one easy lesson. 

[NJ321]

Is it possible to be a temporary pedophile? I just can’t get over that I must have been due to the way I felt in the moment. 

[PolarBear]

You have to start realizing that what you are experiencing is everyday OCD. That's it. Nothing more. You have intrusive thoughts and feelings. They cause you distress. You respond by doing compulsions. 

 

[NJ321]

2 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You have to start realizing that what you are experiencing is everyday OCD. That's it. Nothing more. You have intrusive thoughts and feelings. They cause you distress. You respond by doing compulsions. 

 

Just the thoughts in the moment feel like they’re not intrusive. Than only afterwards do I start to feel the OCD affects. Can it not be OCD in the moment but than be OCD after?

[PolarBear]

No. Why are you spending energy trying to prove you are twisted when there is a perfectly logical explanation right in front of you?

You spend so much time and energy analyzing each obsession you get. Where does that get you? Nowhere. You only talk about your obsessions. You never ask how to deal with them. 

[NJ321]

34 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

No. Why are you spending energy trying to prove you are twisted when there is a perfectly logical explanation right in front of you?

You spend so much time and energy analyzing each obsession you get. Where does that get you? Nowhere. You only talk about your obsessions. You never ask how to deal with them. 

But the issue for me is that sometimes it doesn’t feel like OCD in the moment. There’s times where I can tell for sure it is than other times the way my mind feels I can’t tell if it is or not. 

[PolarBear]

Obsessions don't come with loud music and fireworks that help you know they are obsessions. They are thoughts, images, urges and feelings from your own mind... the same place where all your other thoughts come from. Of course they feel real. Why wouldn't they?

I wish you would go back and read your initial post in each thread you've started in the past six months. They're all the same. It's you getting sucked in by an obsession. You swear each one is different, more real than the last one.

It's all the same. It's OCD. 

[NJ321]

I can’t get over this. It’s been on my mind since it happened. It just feels like in the moment I was a pedophile & then snapped out of it afterwards. How am I supposed to just forget about this?

[Binxy]

Obsessive-compulsive disorder- Obsessions are intrusive thoughts, images, or impulses that are unpleasant, consciously resisted, which the patient is aware arise from his or her own mind. 

Treat it like OCD- recognise what the compulsions are (rumination for example) and find something better to do with your time.

[PolarBear]

You'll forget about this the moment you have a new obsession. Of course you'll also fail to remember that the new obsession is just like the previous 100 and you'll freak out again. Round and round you'll go.

[NJ321]

49 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You'll forget about this the moment you have a new obsession. Of course you'll also fail to remember that the new obsession is just like the previous 100 and you'll freak out again. Round and round you'll go.

It’s just why do some feel completely different than others? I just don’t think it’s OCD at all sometimes. What if it feels like I want or like the thoughts in the moment than only after I regret the thoughts. I just don’t know anymore. Is it possible to enjoy the thoughts or want the thoughts for a short period of time until I realize I don’t?

[PolarBear]

You are asking the wrong questions, getting hung up on answers that won't come. It's all compulsions and it is keeping you stuck.

[NJ321]

How am I supposed to know if I’m really a pedophile or not? I just feel in the moment I had thoughts like I was. I don’t know anymore. 

[PolarBear]

Searching for an answer to that question will only keep you stuck in a place where you have been for years. You need to see that. What you have been doing, each and every time you have these thoughts,  is not working.

[ocdsufferer85]

On 21/08/2018 at 15:55, PolarBear said:

You have to start realizing that what you are experiencing is everyday OCD. That's it. Nothing more. You have intrusive thoughts and feelings. They cause you distress. You respond by doing compulsions. 

 

[ocdsufferer85]

On 24/08/2018 at 03:35, NJ321 said:

How am I supposed to know if I’m really a pedophile or not? I just feel in the moment I had thoughts like I was. I don’t know anymore. 

I too feel like in the moment I was different, that I was a person who wanted to say this thing I fear, or at least I think I felt that way, who knows, it's all gone crazy my mind is a patchwork of fears and what ifs.

When I was triggered...and when the ideas popped into my head, "what if you say this thought outloud that would be the end" it felt like I was on the verge or could be, almost like someone put a lighter in my hand over the petrol and said you decide, it's like that feeling of on the one hand knowing I'd never do it but with that confidence came me not running away from the petrol...imagining flicking the lighter... Then the slightest motion and I suddenly realise wow what am I doing, BE CAREFUL. 

Its like as I've said many times this one moment I decided to listen to my logical side of the brain...but in the midst of it the illogical took over...it swooped in and made me spike up and feel utter disgust at myself.

The whole event is now probably 99% false in memory. It's changed so much over the years.

It's just horrible not being able to relax and know yourself.

@PolarBear what did it feel like to conquer ocd? Did it feel like it would never happen for you? I just feel like I wish I wasn't alive, with this. I want to live but without IT. I feel like I screwed up and my life needs the reset button or just to be cancelled

Edited March 4, 2019 by ocdsufferer85

[battlethrough]

Questioning wether you enjoyed it keeps putting logs on the fire of ocd. 

Needing to know that for certain puts another log on ocd. 

Engaging with anything to do with the **** keeps putting logs on. 

The saddest thing about this horrible illness is that none of the rubbish in our heads matter one bit to anyone but us, friends see it as just thoughts, physiatrists know it. 

I'm having a relapse this week after feeling great, because I thought I enjoyed a sexual thought about my sister, same as you just different theme,and you and I both know by asking for reassurance and certainty by posting on this forum will never ever help and is the wrong way to use this forum because it keeps us stuck in the loop, we need to be strong, listen to the advice on this forum, resisist compulsions then step away from the forum and try hard bit by bit to use the tools we are told. 

Sorry your in a bad place mate, you can pull through this