Depressed by how much having ocd has affected my life

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

Hi all,

Me again, being down. I can't stop thinking about how having ocd has ruined my dreams, how it's stopped me from having the life that I want: the career, the kids, the LTR/marriage. The ocd had ruined everything as i get ill/relapse so often.

I'm 36 and I've got nothing - I spend 90% of my time in my "safe zone" - my bedroom. I'm constantly being switched meds as nothing is working and I'm trying so hard to avoid doing at least some of my compulsions, but it's so hard.

I'm 200 miles away from my good friends and I can't burden them with my problems as they have stressful jobs/young families. My parents, who I'm living with, are visibly aging from the stress everyday. I'm killing them, and that thought tears me up.

My CMHT aren't really coming up with anything helpful, and I had to stop having private therapy as i couldn't afford it now I'm not working. It's about a year's waiting list for cbt with my CMHT. I hope that i can get fast-tracked but I'm not hopeful.

I'm so lonely and every day is ocd hell. I feel so alone and scared about the future. I'm trying to work on self-help books but am so de-stabilised by another meds change that I'm a complete mess.

It just feels so unfair that i haven't done anything to deserve this suffering and I'm trying my best to change my behaviour/compulsions but the ocd is so powerful. 

I feel like I've got nothing to get better for and just spend my days in my bedroom crying. I have nothing to live for - certainly not for myself. I hate myself because of the harm ocd thoughts I have and think that I'm a monstrous person. Maybe I do deserve to suffer, then??

I just cant take anymore of this pain. It feels like there's a hole in my chest which just constantly hurts. I just want the ocd and the pain to go away.

Any ideas? Thanks xx

[PolarBear]

For one, stop counting on meds to fix the problem. For most prople, meds reduce overall anxiety, allowing them to more easily carrout CBT work.

And it is work. It's hard. It's exhausting. But you have to do it to get better. In your state, nearly everything you do has to change. Nearly everything you do right now is strengthening your OCD and keeping you stuck.

Take for instance your claim that you spend 90% of your time in your bedroom. Worst thing you can do. When you do that, you are giving credence to the lie that there was something wrong to begin with. Cloistering yourself in a supposed safe zone is a compulsion. They only make your situation worse.

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

12 minutes ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

Hi all,

Me again, being down. I can't stop thinking about how having ocd has ruined my dreams, how it's stopped me from having the life that I want: the career, the kids, the LTR/marriage. The ocd had ruined everything as i get ill/relapse so often.

I'm 36 and I've got nothing - I spend 90% of my time in my "safe zone" - my bedroom. I'm constantly being switched meds as nothing is working and I'm trying so hard to avoid doing at least some of my compulsions, but it's so hard.

I'm 200 miles away from my good friends and I can't burden them with my problems as they have stressful jobs/young families. My parents, who I'm living with, are visibly aging from the stress everyday. I'm killing them, and that thought tears me up.

My CMHT aren't really coming up with anything helpful, and I had to stop having private therapy as i couldn't afford it now I'm not working. It's about a year's waiting list for cbt with my CMHT. I hope that i can get fast-tracked but I'm not hopeful.

I'm so lonely and every day is ocd hell. I feel so alone and scared about the future. I'm trying to work on self-help books but am so de-stabilised by another meds change that I'm a complete mess.

It just feels so unfair that i haven't done anything to deserve this suffering and I'm trying my best to change my behaviour/compulsions but the ocd is so powerful. 

I feel like I've got nothing to get better for and just spend my days in my bedroom crying. I have nothing to live for - certainly not for myself. I hate myself because of the harm ocd thoughts I have and think that I'm a monstrous person. Maybe I do deserve to suffer, then??

I just cant take anymore of this pain. It feels like there's a hole in my chest which just constantly hurts. I just want the ocd and the pain to go away.

Any ideas? Thanks xx

Hello ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime. Like someone else said here once, you have a good name, it shows me that somewhere in you there is some distance to all of this. 

It is hard for us to realize how much time we have given to our OCD, it usually happens afterwards you recover. If you do recover.

WHen it comes to the meds do I have to say that I am not surprised, that is what I have come across when I have been reading about other people with OCD - medication usually just make it a little easier to go through with therapy. And oftentimes one have to up the dose. Now, when it comes to benzo it is a little different. Benzo helps very good against anxiety, but you don't want to go down that path. 

I am afraid I can't give you any more advices than the ones I already have given you on what you could do to recover. 

Edited August 21, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[paradoxer]

You're being depressed about having this often life-wasting painful disorder should be your motivation to turn things around.

[bruces]

I feel the same it's taken my life from me,or I've let it! In any case. 

[Lost_in_a_Dark_Maze]

Hello 

I love the name too.

Our situations aren't so very dissimilar. What helps me is to 'escape' into fictional worlds. Books, radio dramas, etc. It's something other than the OCD to focus on and makes life a bit more bearable.

You're never alone, you've always got us. 

[ChrisB]

You need to concentrate on what you can do here.

First off, forget 'fair' and 'deserve'. You can't control how long you've had OCD for. You can't control how long a waiting list is. And you can't control what thoughts your brain is throwing at you, at least not directly. All of that simply is what it is.

The thing you can control here is how you respond to them and what you do in response. Like PolarBear said, it's hard. But that's the thing you can control and that's, therefore, the one thing worth focusing you energy on.

[BelAnna]

4 hours ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

Hi all,

Me again, being down. I can't stop thinking about how having ocd has ruined my dreams, how it's stopped me from having the life that I want: the career, the kids, the LTR/marriage. The ocd had ruined everything as i get ill/relapse so often.

I'm 36 and I've got nothing - I spend 90% of my time in my "safe zone" - my bedroom. I'm constantly being switched meds as nothing is working and I'm trying so hard to avoid doing at least some of my compulsions, but it's so hard.

I'm 200 miles away from my good friends and I can't burden them with my problems as they have stressful jobs/young families. My parents, who I'm living with, are visibly aging from the stress everyday. I'm killing them, and that thought tears me up.

My CMHT aren't really coming up with anything helpful, and I had to stop having private therapy as i couldn't afford it now I'm not working. It's about a year's waiting list for cbt with my CMHT. I hope that i can get fast-tracked but I'm not hopeful.

I'm so lonely and every day is ocd hell. I feel so alone and scared about the future. I'm trying to work on self-help books but am so de-stabilised by another meds change that I'm a complete mess.

It just feels so unfair that i haven't done anything to deserve this suffering and I'm trying my best to change my behaviour/compulsions but the ocd is so powerful. 

I feel like I've got nothing to get better for and just spend my days in my bedroom crying. I have nothing to live for - certainly not for myself. I hate myself because of the harm ocd thoughts I have and think that I'm a monstrous person. Maybe I do deserve to suffer, then??

I just cant take anymore of this pain. It feels like there's a hole in my chest which just constantly hurts. I just want the ocd and the pain to go away.

Any ideas? Thanks xx

Hi Thisisnotmyideaofagoodtime,

I'm so sorry OCD is impacting on your life so much and has got in the way of your life goals. Severe OCD is so disruptive and so isolating. 

I am in a similar position to you- back living with my parents, unable to do normal things because of my OCD and I definitely understand the 'feeling scared about the future' and sense of  despair. 

Have there been times in your life when things have been better? What would you love to do once you're well again? OCD and Depression really feed each other so try everything not to give up hope because life can get better again and you are young and able to live an exciting, interesting and full life once you get better. It might not be exactly the same as your original life plan (or it might!) but it might make you just as happy, even if that seems unbelievable at the moment.

Would you be able to ask to see the Psychologist at your CMHT for few therapy sessions whilst you wait for CBT? Also have you considered asking for a referral to one of the specialist centres (e.g. the Centre for Anxiety Disorders and Trauma)? Are you able to leave your room without panicking too much? If you can leave the house occasionally then maybe attending an OCD support group might help? 

Are there any activities that you could do at the moment that you still enjoy? It sometimes really helps to shift your focus from the OCD (easier said than done) onto anything that brings you joy! 

Oh and one final thing- remember that we tend to focus on the highlights of other people's lives, especially on social media and perceive that their lives must be amazing. In reality they might have spent their day mopping up puke, struggling with a deadline, waiting for a biopsy etc.

This might be a bad chapter in your life but things can still turn around for you once you receive the right treatment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 21, 2018 by BelAnna

[bobfish]

Hello again,

Put simply, you need to start doing things. As the other commenters have said, spending all day in your bedroom and wallowing in self-pity isn't going to help you at all.

One of the best tips I've heard is, if you're struggling to do something, promise yourself that you'll only do 15 minutes of it. That's all. Not too long, right? I'm sure you can find the time to do that, especially if you fix it into your schedule, e.g. 15 minutes after breakfast or 15 minutes before bed. I seem to recall you saying that you were considering taking some online courses and learn some new knowledge and skills - how's that going? Again, try to just do 15 minutes per day, but do it every day. No matter how bad your anxiety is.

While you're waiting to receive professional therapy, I think you should definitely tackle your fear of leaving your bedroom. Again, consider small chunks each day. Even if it's just going out for a walk for 15 minutes and not interacting with anybody else, it's a start. Then gradually build up your exposure, e.g. by touching things in public, interacting with people - but you can only do that if you take the first step and leave the house in the first place.

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all your responses and words of encouragement. Am feeling better now that I'm off the Prozac and back on escitaloptam plus lurasidone, but as has been said, the meds can only do so much.

Start with a new cbt therapist tmw so maybe there's hope for the future. I know that there's no magic wand, but I really wish there was!!

Specialist ocd in-patient treatment doesn't look likely due to CCG poverty /funding issues, despite there being no provisions for ocd in Wales. 

I've been advised by advocacy to get my AM involved in lobbying the CCG for funding, but have to exhaust all local (inadequate) options first. It's going to be a real struggle and I'm not sure that I've got the fight left. I'm so tired of the constant fear and anxiety. I feel so hopeless and despondent about the situation.

I don't think that I'm worth getting better for.

Thanks for all your help and support xx

[bobfish]

On 22/08/2018 at 18:35, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

I don't think that I'm worth getting better for.

Of course you are! You've been through a lot and I can only imagine how hard it must be to continue fighting, but I believe in you. Many, many people who hit rock bottom have managed to pick themselves back up and recover well. It's tough, yes, but very possible.

Let us know how treatment with the new therapist goes.  Stay strong!