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I need to know if this is normal in OCD, I barely can type this because I'm shaking so much and I can't stop crying. I was in the dining room having lunch and, as usual, having a groinal response because of my little sister. So instead of bouncing on the chair looking at a lady on the TV to release tension or to satisfy myself, I did it looking at the her. I can't believe I've just done that. I'm a such a piece of **** I'm a pedophile I'm a monster I'm awful I deserve to die I can't do this anymore 

Edited by lily17
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7 hours ago, lily17 said:

I need to know if this is normal in OCD, I barely can type this because I'm shaking so much and I can't stop crying. I was in the dining room having lunch and, as usual, having a groinal response because of my little sister. So instead of bouncing on the chair looking at a lady on the TV to release tension or to satisfy myself, I did it looking at the her. I can't believe I've just done that. I'm a such a piece of **** I'm a pedophile I'm a monster I'm awful I deserve to die I can't do this anymore 

As Polar Bear said, freaking out and coming here for reassurance isn't working for you, Lily. Maybe it's time to try something different.

Perhaps you could try to resist the urge to relieve satisfy yourself when your sister is around. (Remove the trigger.)

OR

 You could try accepting the possibility you really do enjoy the thought of sex with children. Now before you go off screaming let me expand on that. 

Getting aroused by the idea of sex with children is more common than being a practising paedophile. It's estimated up to 10% of the population can be aroused by the fantasy of such thoughts, though they would never act on it. Paedophiles (who prey on children or seek out child porn where children are actually harmed) are considered to make up only 1% of the population. In comparison the prevalence of OCD is 1-3% and the fear of being a paedophile is very, very common among OCD sufferers. 

You've been caught up in this black and white thinking for a long time, Lily. If this...then that... and no middle ground, no blurry lines allowed. So you freak yourself out by assuming every thought means something and that it means the worst we can imagine - a person who preys on children. 

Why don't you discuss how to change your thinking with your therapist? Break out of the habitual thinking response you're using now. 

Nobody is condoning peadophilia. But this isn't about being a paedophile. This is about your fear of being a paedophile. Can you see the difference?  

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46 minutes ago, snowbear said:

As Polar Bear said, freaking out and coming here for reassurance isn't working for you, Lily. Maybe it's time to try something different.

Perhaps you could try to resist the urge to relieve satisfy yourself when your sister is around. (Remove the trigger.)

OR

 You could try accepting the possibility you really do enjoy the thought of sex with children. Now before you go off screaming let me expand on that. 

Getting aroused by the idea of sex with children is more common than being a practising paedophile. It's estimated up to 10% of the population can be aroused by the fantasy of such thoughts, though they would never act on it. Paedophiles (who prey on children or seek out child porn where children are actually harmed) are considered to make up only 1% of the population. In comparison the prevalence of OCD is 1-3% and the fear of being a paedophile is very, very common among OCD sufferers. 

You've been caught up in this black and white thinking for a long time, Lily. If this...then that... and no middle ground, no blurry lines allowed. So you freak yourself out by assuming every thought means something and that it means the worst we can imagine - a person who preys on children. 

Why don't you discuss how to change your thinking with your therapist? Break out of the habitual thinking response you're using now. 

Nobody is condoning peadophilia. But this isn't about being a paedophile. This is about your fear of being a paedophile. Can you see the difference?  

Yes I can see the difference but I just can't do this anymore... Btw did you imply that me satisfy-relieving myself around my sister was wrong? :(

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Polar Bear is right again. You're seeking reassurance. You expect people to be nice and offer soothing words that will make you feel better. But here's an important lesson for anyone seeking reassurance to learn:

- Every time you seek reassurance you take a risk that you might hear something you don't like. The opposite of what you wanted and (secretly) expected.  

21 minutes ago, lily17 said:

did you imply that me satisfy-relieving myself around my sister was wrong? :(

Yes, I do think it was wrong. :dry:  That's my personal opinion. Some may agree, some may disagree. They're entitled to their opinions too. 

More importantly, do you think it was wrong? Isn't that why you came racing to the forum asking us to reassure you that you aren't a bad person?  

 

Resisting urges and compulsions isn't easy. Especially when you're young and impulsive. But young or not, we are in control of our actions and we have to take responsibility for them, including when we get it wrong. 

Everybody makes mistakes when they are young.  All teenagers give in to some of their urges to do impulsive, dangerous, risky or even sexual things. But they don't just do it over and over with nothing changing. They learn from it. They get a better sense of right and wrong from going too far occasionally and regretting it. Then they change their behaviour next time the impulsive urge strikes, gradually mastering the art of resisting the million and one stupid ideas that come into their heads. That's normal.

You can't go through life doing impulsive things hoping you'll be able to shift the blame onto something else (In this case OCD.) You can't expect people to always reassure you when you know you've done wrong just because you feel bad about it.

Yes, you do have OCD. Yes, these are compulsive urges you're getting. BUT you are still responsible for the outcomes of any compulsions you give in to. We are all accountable for the compulsions we do and that doesn't change just because they are compulsions. 

If doing a compulsion ( in this case masturbating in connection with your sister) makes you feel bad, then own it. Accept you made an error of judgement and don't make the same mistake again. 

Do you come here thinking, ''As long as people tell me I did it because I have OCD that makes it ok. I can do as I please and people will still tell me I'm not a bad person.'   Truthfully, Lily, isn't that what you expect us to say? Then you can continue to do as you please and not feel guilty. 

Or are you hoping someone will say you are a paedophile, that you are a bad person? That would justify you continuing to act as you please, as long as you feel guilty and beat yourself up for it afterwards. 

Either way you get to continue doing as you please, never resisting your compulsions, never changing the way you respond to your (sexual) urges. 

But it's that which needs to change, Lily. If you want your life to be better than it is now. If you want to feel good about yourself then you have to start doing things differently. You have to recognise when you're acting in response to a compulsive urge and you have to learn to resist it. 

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17 hours ago, snowbear said:

Polar Bear is right again. You're seeking reassurance. You expect people to be nice and offer soothing words that will make you feel better. But here's an important lesson for anyone seeking reassurance to learn:

- Every time you seek reassurance you take a risk that you might hear something you don't like. The opposite of what you wanted and (secretly) expected.  

Yes, I do think it was wrong. :dry:  That's my personal opinion. Some may agree, some may disagree. They're entitled to their opinions too. 

More importantly, do you think it was wrong? Isn't that why you came racing to the forum asking us to reassure you that you aren't a bad person?  

 

Resisting urges and compulsions isn't easy. Especially when you're young and impulsive. But young or not, we are in control of our actions and we have to take responsibility for them, including when we get it wrong. 

Everybody makes mistakes when they are young.  All teenagers give in to some of their urges to do impulsive, dangerous, risky or even sexual things. But they don't just do it over and over with nothing changing. They learn from it. They get a better sense of right and wrong from going too far occasionally and regretting it. Then they change their behaviour next time the impulsive urge strikes, gradually mastering the art of resisting the million and one stupid ideas that come into their heads. That's normal.

You can't go through life doing impulsive things hoping you'll be able to shift the blame onto something else (In this case OCD.) You can't expect people to always reassure you when you know you've done wrong just because you feel bad about it.

Yes, you do have OCD. Yes, these are compulsive urges you're getting. BUT you are still responsible for the outcomes of any compulsions you give in to. We are all accountable for the compulsions we do and that doesn't change just because they are compulsions. 

If doing a compulsion ( in this case masturbating in connection with your sister) makes you feel bad, then own it. Accept you made an error of judgement and don't make the same mistake again. 

Do you come here thinking, ''As long as people tell me I did it because I have OCD that makes it ok. I can do as I please and people will still tell me I'm not a bad person.'   Truthfully, Lily, isn't that what you expect us to say? Then you can continue to do as you please and not feel guilty. 

Or are you hoping someone will say you are a paedophile, that you are a bad person? That would justify you continuing to act as you please, as long as you feel guilty and beat yourself up for it afterwards. 

Either way you get to continue doing as you please, never resisting your compulsions, never changing the way you respond to your (sexual) urges. 

But it's that which needs to change, Lily. If you want your life to be better than it is now. If you want to feel good about yourself then you have to start doing things differently. You have to recognise when you're acting in response to a compulsive urge and you have to learn to resist it. 

First of all, I didn't masturbate in front of my sister. It was just bouncing in the chair and I don't know why I looked at her. I didn't wanna satisfy myself thinking of her, it was just a wrong decision to make the fact that I looked at her 

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Here's you and your situation:

You touch a hot burner on the stove. It hurts. You ask us, Am I bad? We tell you not to touch the burner again.

You touch the hot burner again. You ask, Am I bad? We tell you to quit touching the hot burner.

This goes on and on. You continue to touch the hot burner. It hurts every time. You keep asking if you are bad. We keep telling you to stop touching the hot burner.

This is your reality.

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No one said you should die. And that's being overly dramatic. It's not helpful.

No, what you need to is three things:

1. Start listening to us.

2. Stop touching the hot burner. 

3. Stop asking us if you are bad.

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Hello Lily,

From experience, I imagine you're hearing the last post as very critical? I do that a lot, when it isn't actually meant that way. When we're very critical and judgemental of ourselves, we assume everyone else will be too.

We're not being intentionally overly dramatic when we conclude that everyone hates us, we're bad and should die. It can genuinely feel that way when you're very depressed and over thinking everything.

But people care about you and want to help. Many of us have made mistakes over and over again too. We're all human. :hug:

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Be interested what study said 10%. Would have scared me to tears a while back but i know now stats need quantifying for perspective such as quantifying what constitutes a child and participation numbers to extrapolate 10%. It has been reported sex surveys attract a type. Just saying.

Edited by njb
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On 26/08/2018 at 09:57, lily17 said:

First of all, I didn't masturbate in front of my sister. It was just bouncing in the chair and I don't know why I looked at her. I didn't wanna satisfy myself thinking of her, it was just a wrong decision to make the fact that I looked at her 

So, it seems that the understandably more 'hardline' response might be better for you. You yourself have just dismissed your own fear. 

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