Is this a compulsion?

[Headwreck]

I am very distant and cold towards my partner. I don't feel like I should be nice to him because of what I've done, can't bring myself to be nice and when I am I feel guilty and like I'm being deceitful. He says he is so lonely. Is that a compulsion or am I just making excuses? I'm struggling with the ruminating but don't feel like there are any other compulsions.

Edited August 25, 2018 by Headwreck

[PolarBear]

Yes, avoidance would be a compulsion. No different than a sufferer with pedophile obsessions avoiding children.

You said, "because of what I've done". I will remind you that you have no evidence you did anything.

[Headwreck]

He refuses to talk about OCD or this, says I have to stop thinking about it and acting the way I'm acting, and says he will not feed my obsessions by talking about them like they're real. My answer to that is always 'but what if it's true'.

He also says I'm not making any effort. But I really am trying although I still find that every minute of every day I'm ruminating one way or another. I really don't know how to stop that, feel I'm being deceitful if I don't think about it. As in, how dare I not think about it. But I don't know if it's a compulsion really as it doesn't make me feel better at all, it actually makes me feel worse. But it's like I need to think about it, not even to work anything out, more like I must be consciously thinking about it because it's a concern. I can't stop.

I'm distant from him because if I'm nice to him it's as though I'm living a lie and covering up.

Edited August 25, 2018 by Headwreck

[PolarBear]

Oh my, OCD really does have you twisted up.

Compulsions never make you feel better or make your situation better. Sure, sometimes you feel temporary relief, but soon enough the doubt, anxiety and obsessions return and you feel compelled to do even more compulsions. So don't think for one minute that something you do can't be a compulsion because it doesn't make you feel better. We both know you ruminate constantly. Does that make you feel better? Of course not.

When you get a thought that you are being deceitful if you don't think about that night, it is an obsession! You should have figured that out by now. What happens when you get a thought like that? You ruminate some more. A compulsion.

Your partner is 100% correct. He shouldn't be talking to you about anything but recovery. You say, but what if it's true? First, it's just not that big a deal and second  what if it's not true? You've wasted how much time and energy on this?

 

[Headwreck]

I'm now worried that I kissed him in a bar while being extremely drunk.

I got really drunk and can't remember being in the bars or clubs, I'm scared I did something while very drunk as I can't remember the whole night but I know we were being flirty. But the behaviour afterward from what I do remember would suggest nothing did happen in the bars before we went to the friends house.

I'm so done with this. I know it's my own fault but I can't keep going with this on my shoulders. It's from the moment I wake up to when I go to bed. Maybe someone who did cheat would act this way out of guilt so it's not excessive/obsessive at all?

Edited August 26, 2018 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

I'm really panicking and don't know what to do. I think I should just tell my partner and leave because this is no way to live. I'm trying not to get upset because he will get angry but I feel sick to my stomach.

Edited August 26, 2018 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

I want to be in work to be away but when I'm there I don't want to be there. I keep just telling myself I've done it but I can't live with that. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, just want to die.

[hedvig]

4 hours ago, Headwreck said:

Maybe someone who did cheat would act this way out of guilt so it's not excessive/obsessive at all?

It would still be excessive and obsessive. Even if you did it you would have to forgive yourself and move on. 

[Headwreck]

Sorry for all the posts, I shouldn't have submitted them. I had quite a bad day today.

[njb]

On 26/08/2018 at 23:56, Headwreck said:

Sorry for all the posts, I shouldn't have submitted them. I had quite a bad day today.

Hi headwreck.

We've all been there. I'm same with the rumination but the advice above is right as is your boyfriend. You do know that but reassurance is a temptation indeed.

Perhaps not knowing how to stop ruminating is just what it is. Pointless. Like painting over wet paint. The answer perhaps is in doing anything at all with the aim of distraction. 

Good luck as I'm so terrible at rumination i would win olympics but we have to not try try (see what I did)...

We are hardly bias in our thinking so applying our brains to testing or rumination is not a great idea.

Let me know when you crack it