Getting right help

[jamie2011]

Hi,

I am looking for some advice. I have posted a while back, but I have come to a point where I need some advice on how to move forward. I know no one can diagnose, but I am now in a position where I feel I need the right treatment, but feel I may not get the right one.

Everything is a mess. In my previous post a while ago I mentioned that I was diagnosed with OCD late teens/early 20's.

So moving forward to now. I was referred for an assessment for to see what help I needed. During this assessment I was able to talk about some of my struggles. Eating at certain times of the day, following a strict routine, using tissue to flush toilets, tissue on door handles, sleeves on door handles, washing my hands after touching certain things. I wasn't able to go too far in to it. I didn't really get the chance to talk about questioning my motives when I engaged with others, fear of travelling places (only stick to local areas).

So the person I saw said they were wondering why I had built up these obsessions to protect myself. In the end I have had short-term therapy for what they believe is Complex PTSD. The work we have done has helped in how I am with others, but is now coming to an end. I have moved no further with my need to follow routines, worry about getting sick, worry about getting stuck somewhere, losing items. I so want to get my life back on track. I want to work, but I have so many restrictions. Like it would have to be walking distance, I cannot even think about being in an environment where I have to touch things that others have. I am supposed to be training for some volunteer work, but I am worrying about having to have close physical contact with others. 

I have been told that my options are limited due to funding. I wish I could sit down with someone and tell them everything, but it doesn't seem possible. After this therapy ending I am still in the same position. My life is so restricted and I am anxious all the time. I find it hard doing things with others, even family. If I am in a situation where I am anxious I literally can explode with anger because I am so scared. I then feel awful about treating people close to me like that. It has got to a point that with family I will only see them in certain situations. Usually in their home or somewhere local where there is no travelling.

My other issue is that I have been given so many different diagnosis over the years I think it isn't clear what the real issue is and what I need help to do. There is a part of me that feels CBT is needed. Talking therapy doesn't make much difference to how I carry out my daily life. I fear ill health/accidents/injury/dying/getting trapped somewhere that sometimes I just feel like I cannot take anymore.

Any suggestions on what to do. I am scared that within a short space of time I will have no support and I will continue to struggle to survive. I know this isn't a way to live. I don't know who to talk to.

[PolarBear]

Well you can talk to us. That's what we are here for.

All these rules you have set up are pure nonsense. When you do something to follow a rule, you are performing a compulsion. Doing compulsions does not make you safer or make your situation worse. It traps you further and your world gets smaller over time.

The chance of you finding a qualified CBT therapist within walking distance is remote. You either find one who can Skype, you do it on your own, or you face your fears and travel.

That last one is critical. One way or the other, you have to begin to face your fears, stop doing the compulsions and start breaking the rules. There's work that can be done before you begin doing those things, but do those things you eventually must if you want to recover.

[jamie2011]

Thank you for your response. I know what you are saying is the best way forward. Not that long ago I tried to step out of some of the rules. One was having to eat at certain times. For about a week I was able to change it up. Even though it was anxiety provoking, it was a big difference not having to watch the clock and have to get home to eat. However for some reason I went straight back to what I was doing before.  I also managed to travel a bit further out of my area to meet family. I did it about four times, but then the anxiety overwhelmed me again. 

I am aware that I need to challenge myself more. I just don't know where to start. It is hard to imagine that I could get to a place where I don't have to follow certain rules. I have tried telling myself that if the worst happens, that this is ok and I will just have to deal with it. It is just the anxiety of it all I cannot deal with.

I have printed out some CBT worksheets so will try and go through them to see if that helps.

 

[PolarBear]

Small steps. You don't have to change everything overnight.

[jamie2011]

Thanks, that is a good point. I guess I struggle with that one. I feel like I really need to change a lot. I spend a lot of time trying to keep myself sane. I fear the severe low moods. So always wish to be occupied. I go to bed really early every night, not because I am tired. But it is purely to get the day over with. I don't want too much thinking time or the opportunity to dwell on things.

A goal I would love to try is to wake up without an alarm. I always set an alarm for a set time, which kicks off the routine for the rest of the day. I am just petrified that if I don't follow this routine I will go mad. I fear the anxiety will get too much and I will not function. The same goes for eating when I am hungry rather than eating at set times. I eat my lunch at 8:50am, which is just crazy. I wish I could just wake up when I am ready, eat breakfast, engage in activity and then eat lunch when I feel the need hunger wise. The few times I stretched the time I was able to eat lunch around 10:30am. But then fell back in to it. I very rarely feel hunger, probably because of eating to time. 

Writing this down I can see how restrictive it is. It is also embarrassing. 

Wow I need to try and figure out what changes I need to make and how to go about it.