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I am getting worse


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It is getting worse, I really don't know what to do or how to deal with it.

I was in a position where things could have happened and probably did. But I'm never going to know and I can't handle that. It's likely that I've not considered it happened until now. 

I'm going to leave the forum because I'm abusing it and truly believe that I'm a lost cause. Not only that but I am not at all convinced that it is OCD. If any of the mods can please delete my account and all posts I've made then I'd be appreciative. Thanks.

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You are not doing anyone else's heads in. That is a faulty belief you invented. If we were sick and tired of you, we simply wouldn't reply to your posts. 

Yes, you have a tendency to use the forum to write down every intrudive thought you get and your ruminating. No different than a lot of people. It's something you can work on.

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Hi Headwreck, 

Once you start on a path of putting things in place to help you with your OCD, things will gradually start improving. The first step is always the hardest. I know this because I’ve been in the same place as you; constant ruminating, doubting, blaming my husband as I thought he wasn’t listening to me or taking my worries seriously.... I bet quite a lot of the people on here have been in this place too one way or another, either at present or in the past! We really do all understand! 

No matter how busy work is I would see your GP! I’ve worked in a high pressured role years ago, so I know how hard it is taking time out for appointments, but it is possible. Your GP can give you something to help the anxiety, and when that’s under control a bit more you should be able to start tackling the OCD more. It will still be hard as don’t forget you’ll be changing what is now yours and your minds ‘normal’; ruminating, worrying, taking most of the day to dissect that night over and over etc, but a good therapist will help you ‘retrain’ your thinking. At the moment your on high anxiety alert, nothing will be making sense! 

I’ve know I’ve said it before, but I say it again, I’ve been in a black hole with my OCD many times, but at one point it was truly awful. I suddenly developed health anxiety too. My husband actually took me to the doctor and said to her they had to do something with me! It still took me ages to agree to go on meds and try another therapist. I’m so glad I did though, and just regret all the years I’ve felt like I just fought through each day. I’m not ‘cured’ but certain things have really improved, and I’m actually happier than I’ve ever been. I recognise my triggers and deal accordingly with them as and when. Yes, some are much harder than others, and being as I’ve always had OCD I think I will always be ‘managing’ it, but for the most part I feel I’m the one in control now, not the OCD. Please don’t waste so much time like I did! 

I absolutely wouldn't leave the forum, but I would put a plan in place to tackle this. First being seeing your GP, and the second making the next six months priority to deal with the OCD with a very good therapist! 

It does get easier, but you need to take that first step, and then keep moving! You will have good and bad days (I still do) but I’m better than I’ve ever been. And everyone, OCD or no OCD has good and bad days for one reason or another. 

You absolutely can do this! X

 

 

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 I totally agree Headwreck, no need to make a rash hasty decision to leave the forum, we are here to try to help each other :yes:

I was in a really bad place and look at me now, no I’m not fully recovered but I’m a good way there and enjoying life again and a lot less stressed and more relaxed. It takes time and lots of practice, motivation, determination, repetition, over and over again until something clicks and these things then become insignificant and no more important. The fact is we go over it over and over again and believe we have something to fear and give it strength and importance making ourselves believe we have something to fear. It’s not until we stop doing it that we become to realise that we over dramatised  the whole situation by believing it could have happened, eventually you get to a stage where you just accept it’s possible I did, but it’s also possible I didn’t and you learn to accept the never knowing and leaving it be, Ive laid so many things to rest and to be fair I’ve got to a stage where I don’t even want to go there any more, I just see it now as so what if I did I can’t change it and I don’t go down the ruminating road because I now know it serves no purpose only heartache and pain. But it takes hard work and commitment over and over again and again. 

Have faith in yourself, you can turn this around x

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Headwreck, please go visit your GP so you can get help managing your anxiety. I really think you need this in order to tackle your OCD. I think it might give you enough strength to then change your thinking around this event. You have to ask for help. You deserve it. :heart:

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45 minutes ago, hedvig said:

Headwreck, please go visit your GP so you can get help managing your anxiety. I really think you need this in order to tackle your OCD. I think it might give you enough strength to then change your thinking around this event. You have to ask for help. You deserve it. :heart:

Totally agree x

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1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

Don't see how everyone thinks this is OCD, it can't be. I feel as though I'm misleading everyone.

New job starts in six months. Can't keep this up.

 

It can be. And it is. We've been through why multiple times. To recap:

You have intrusive thoughts that you did something wrong.

You have zero evidence you did anything wrong.

You are entirely fixated on this thing you can't prove you did, to the exclusion of living a decent life.

The thoughts that you did something wrong csuse you a great deal of distress.

You do loads and loads of compulsions, primarily to prove the thoughts true.

You consistently deny this is OCD, even though you do have OCD with other themes, you have been diagnosed with OCD and all the prople here firmly say this is OCD.

You fear the consequences of having done what you fear but those consequences pale in comparison to the hell you have been putting yourself through.

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Headwreck, your OCD is running rampant and you are giving in, to your intrusive thoughts.

Below you do anything else, slow down, take a deep breath and pull yourself together.

Firstly, it is all just thoughts, no matter how real it feels, no matter how repulsive it is to you, most of it, are mental chaff.

As Roy often say, listen to us, we, the community, the people who had gone through the same experiences, of whom, some have totally recovered.

Bring yourself back to reality, back to the present moment.

STOP, STOP, STOP, engaging with your intrusive thoughts. You have to change how you react to those thoughts. Please read through the advice provided in the earlier posts and apply them, they do work and will work if you are persistent and diligent, there is no overnight, "pop 2 aspirins and you will be fine in the morning" cure. Recovery is a gradual process, over the months and for some, even years.

I would suggest you seek treatment for your OCD as soon as possible.

Head to your GP to get a referral and get busy with recovery rather than performing compulsions.

 

 

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Some very wise words here by other forum users Headwreck, you say yourself that support in your day to day life is lacking, so to leave the forum and turn your back on a source of support seems skewed thinking to me. 

As others have said OCD is a horrid disorder, it can be hell at times, but - and here is the good thing,  with CBT and in some cases medication assisting you can get a lot better. Many of us on here are proof of that. Its not easy (if it was then this forum probably wouldn't be needed) but its possible!

Your punishing yourself for something you don't even know you did! all evidence points to OCD, you have been diagnosed with OCD, you post on an OCD forum. 

I really think you need to put your mental health first, I seems your putting your whole happiness on this Job, which I think you may already have achieved now? albeit starting in a few months time? can you now its a done deal - go to your GP and discuss things you need to help - maybe medication as a starting point then CBT? if you have passed the recruitment process then surely you can see your GP as it won't impact on your future career?

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I'm going to call the doctor later and see if I can get a weekend appointment. I'm not convinced what I'm going through is OCD but I do think anxiety is a part of this and I know other things other than OCD can cause obsessive thoughts. Also think it could just be delayed guilt.

Can I ask opinions on another issue please?

I had another break down this morning about something else. I haven't told anyone about this until now, told my partner this morning, it has been going on for a number of years and I'm scared to say it but I will. I don't want to go into it too much but I've been obsessed with looking at updates of certain people on social media and have been for a long while, I'm talking years. I don't feel there is any anxiety or fear when doing it but I'm definitely obsessed with doing it and it's almost like a comfort even though it makes me sad? I get obsessed with people. My partner said it is another strain of OCD again but I'm not so sure as I don't feel distressed as such when I'm doing it, more like I am comparing my life and feel like I hate myself. It is constant and I can't help it or stop even though I know it's extremely strange. I'm scared I am going to end up in jail. Is my partner right? Maybe I should be locked away, I feel like I'm a really horrible and creepy person but I'm only realising it recently. I think I could possibly be a sociopath. This has made me think there is really a mental problem with me hence my change of heart about the drs.

I understand if people no longer want to help now especially with this new thing that I have disclosed. I am scared.

Edited by Headwreck
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I think a lot of people do that to some extent. Yes, your anxiety (OCD) has definitely latched on to this making you draw conclusions like you are a sociopath, a horrible person or would end up in jail. It’s nonsense. Great that you are contacting your GP - I wish you all the luck! 

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There you go again, assuming we're all going to hate you because of words on a screen. This is nothing new. You think you're the only person to constantly look at updates on social media? Think again!

It doesn't make you a sociopath. Not even close. It's a problem that can be addressed.

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My partner says it's OCD again but I don't think it is. I just get stuck on things. It's like I end up doing things out of habit. I shouldn't have mentioned this.

It's like I'm doing all this stuff so I can say I have OCD?

Edited by Headwreck
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That's the product of ruminating. Ruminating is a compulsion, a clear sign of OCD.

Look, you're down on yourself. We get that. We're all grownups and we know OCD. Some of us have helped hundreds, if not more than a thousand sufferers. We are very good at figuring out if someone has OCD. And you're far from the only person to behave this way.

Question for you: you admit there's something wrong with you, so why not OCD? You suggest being a sociopath, as if OCD is not a bad enough condition to explain what's going on. Let me tell you, it's bad enough. OCD is a debilitating illness. It's bad. It can rob you of your sense of self. It can interfere with daily living, relationships and work. It's right up there with schizophrenia and bipolar.

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

I don't see the point in leaving the forum like in deleting your account. However I really think that taking a break from it would be beneficial. Now, this would probably be impossible for you to do. I have tried it before myself and I couldn't do it. Taking a break would benefit you, and you would come back here. But you are using black and white thinking, so you see it as leaving for ever or staying.

Taking a break from the forum would be a good thing foor you but with this I mean that taking a break from your OCD would be a good thing. Pretty obvious right. All your thinking about OCD is compulsions. All your writing about OCD is compulsions. 

e

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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I know the breakdown I had this morning was OCD as it's not bothering me now and I'm back to the normal thing. But I have noticed that these little episodes I have over other things cause a lot of panic and only last a few hours before going away again, my usual sorry doesn't cause much panic anymore, more discomfort, and has a lot more basis. Can OCD be switched on to lock onto anything and everything?

I couldn't get a doctor's appointment. I'll try again.

Edited by Headwreck
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We can obsess repetitively, carry out compulsions, and suffer resultant disorder about literally anything. 

And we sufferers have no choice over the manifestation or theme. 

But the OCD underpinning the obsessional thinking functions in the same way. There will be falsehood, exaggeration, revulsion and/or the turning of a true core character value on its head - plus demands for certainty to prove it is OCD. 

And feelings that it feels so real. 

Easy method here - if it feels real it's probably OCD, and if it feels like OCD it probably is. 

Learning to accept probability not certainty is part of recovery. 

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And what we need to stop doing is trying to remember, trying to work things out, as a result of intrusive thoughts. 

This is carrying out compulsions - and sadly this makes the obsessional thinking stronger, gives belief to it. 

And so we get worse, feel worse, can't cope etc.

 

Edited by taurean
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