Headwreck Posted August 31, 2018 Author Share Posted August 31, 2018 I'm not sure what it is but I'm always calm at night but up in arms from the moment I wake up until around 9pm. I remember I had the same thing last time too. Not sure if anyone else gets that. Have been looking at online therapy or something I can attend via Skype as difficult for me to get therapy appointments after work. Has anyone got any experience of this kind of therapy, how did it work for you? Link to comment
LeopardM Posted August 31, 2018 Share Posted August 31, 2018 Hi, I've been doing online therapy, a programme called Silvercloud which you work through yourself plus some reviews of what you've done by phone with a counsellor/supporter at the start. I've found it really helpful in understanding my OCD and in giving me the tools to tackle it. So far I've completed one set of issues and started work on the second more difficult one. You need to have some self discipline, but I'm sure that's the same with all therapy, and you can progress at your own pace, just keep yourself going and the progress you make becomes the motivation to take the next step. Link to comment
Guest OCDhavenobrain Posted August 31, 2018 Share Posted August 31, 2018 I was talking with a therapist online, I didn't want to speak with her so we chatted. And i found her to be the best therapist I have had. Maybe that tell more about the therapists where I live, that part is a sad chapter in itself. Most people with OCD goes like 12 years before they get the right therapy. SAD! However Head, you will have to change so many things to get better, do not try to find the perfect therapy for you. It is good that you are focused on therapy now and don't think it is to expensive or take up to much of your time because I think that is fawlty thinking. Getting over OCD is your highest priority because it can destroy everything else. Link to comment
Headwreck Posted September 1, 2018 Author Share Posted September 1, 2018 Thanks Leopard and OCDhavenobrain. I have woken up today in a better mood than usual so decided to devise a plan/some goals for the next six months before the new job starts. Self help workbook. Going to try and find a good one and work through this while I look for a therapist (hopefully one I can use online rather than meeting with as it's too difficult with work) Get back into exercise and get in shape. I used to run and do yoga but stopped last year when my obsession switched and I got caught up with all this. I'm going to invest in a weights bench for toning and use my resistance bike for cardio, maybe go out running before the weather gets bad. Stop ruminating. This is a big one but I've done okay today. See how it goes for the rest of the weekend. Has been easier as anxiety hasn't been as bad, the challenge will be when the anxiety is higher. Find sometimes the thoughts affect me and sometimes they don't. Read more books. Invest in a SAD light. I struggle massively with winter so want to put something in place before it arrives. I have depression anyway but dark days and nights exacerbate it. Link to comment
taurean Posted September 1, 2018 Share Posted September 1, 2018 (edited) Good planning Headwreck. There are workbooks in the shop on the main OCD-UK website. All the best Roy Edited September 1, 2018 by taurean Link to comment
Guest OCDhavenobrain Posted September 1, 2018 Share Posted September 1, 2018 I have to do that myself. I don't know why but I get depressed every damn winter. Going up early and not being up when it is dark is one thing I will try, but honestly I alreday fear the winter. Good thing that you are thinking about working on this. Hope you can do it Link to comment
Avo Posted September 1, 2018 Share Posted September 1, 2018 Positive planning there headwreck Link to comment
taurean Posted September 1, 2018 Share Posted September 1, 2018 Vit D supplement plus SAD lightbox helped me sail comfortably through last year's season of short days - so well worth a try if low sunlight affects your mood in the winter months. My SAD lightbox is a desktop one. I got it from Maplin, sadly now gone bust, but others stock them. Link to comment
californiadreaming Posted September 1, 2018 Share Posted September 1, 2018 I got worse before I got better, headwreck. Are you in therapy, it’s common to feel a little crappy when doing the homework. Look at my history, there were days that I just wanted to crawl into a hole. I get maybe one intrusive thought a week now and I just let it go. I had a very, very similar fear of yours. The point is to not know whether or not you did something, the point is to not care and that’s how I feel now. I’ve accepted it and know that it doesn’t change or rule my life in any way. You can do it, I promise. Link to comment
taurean Posted September 1, 2018 Share Posted September 1, 2018 28 minutes ago, californiadreaming said: I got worse before I got better, headwreck. Are you in therapy, it’s common to feel a little crappy when doing the homework. Look at my history, there were days that I just wanted to crawl into a hole. I get maybe one intrusive thought a week now and I just let it go. I had a very, very similar fear of yours. The point is to not know whether or not you did something, the point is to not care and that’s how I feel now. I’ve accepted it and know that it doesn’t change or rule my life in any way. You can do it, I promise. Link to comment
Headwreck Posted September 2, 2018 Author Share Posted September 2, 2018 (edited) I really need to confess to my partner. I've been in tears all morning and afternoon. The night out started in pubs and ended up at a colleagues house. I don't remember much from the pubs late on, I don't even remember who I was stood with etc or where I was, so I could have easily been kissing the guy in question. After the pubs I was sat with him alone at my colleagues house but I remember that. We sat at separate ends of the couch. He shook my hand when he left. He said the next day he felt like kissing me all night. I think he may have forgotten because he was drunk too and he was taking drugs and it probably happened when I can't remember during the pubs, he was very drunk too. My life is destroyed and I don't know what I can do. I think all of this time I've just presumed nothing happened and because I was so distracted by the thought of my partner cheating I've just not bothered to think about the possibilities. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Edited September 2, 2018 by Headwreck Link to comment
Headwreck Posted September 2, 2018 Author Share Posted September 2, 2018 I think my best option here is to separate. He said this morning that his life is hell and that I'm making his life miserable. At least it frees him and I stop worrying and feeling guilty about this. I thought I was getting back at him and it would make me not care about what he allegedly did but actually it has ruined both of our lives. I can't believe the situation I put myself in, this is not just intrusive thoughts it's actually real possibility, I put myself in a position and acted in a certain way in order to get myself in a position where I could 'get back' at my partner. I can't stay at my mum's house as it's not healthy. I have pets so can't take them to a hotel. I'm going to have to get rid of my pets and find a cheap place to stay. Link to comment
Headwreck Posted September 2, 2018 Author Share Posted September 2, 2018 How can I see this as OCD when this is entirely a real possibility? Link to comment
taurean Posted September 2, 2018 Share Posted September 2, 2018 You go with the probability it is OCD if necessary taking the "leap of faith". It's what we all need to do in order to get better. Link to comment
Headwreck Posted September 2, 2018 Author Share Posted September 2, 2018 (edited) Just read a post on here and driven me to tears again. I don't mean to have been a bad person but I know everyone says that. I know I have no morals now because of all of this but how do I redeem myself, am I a bad person forever now? I don't know why I did it and why it seemed like a good idea. I never thought about it all so in depth until now. For two years I don't remember knowing I did it. I don't think I ever really knew but just presumed I was innocent. Edited September 2, 2018 by Headwreck Link to comment
hedvig Posted September 2, 2018 Share Posted September 2, 2018 On 01/09/2018 at 13:26, Headwreck said: Stop ruminating. This is a big one but I've done okay today. See how it goes for the rest of the weekend. Has been easier as anxiety hasn't been as bad, the challenge will be when the anxiety is higher. Find sometimes the thoughts affect me and sometimes they don't. Remember the promise you made to yourself the other day when you were in a better place. You have to sit with the anxiety tonight, resist giving in to the ruminating. Divide the time if necessary, take 5 or 10 minuters at a time. Welcome the anxiety and be in it without engaging. The post you wrote just now is just your anxiety speaking. Link to comment
Headwreck Posted September 2, 2018 Author Share Posted September 2, 2018 Hedvig I just can't do it. I can't do this anymore. I know how I'm reacting is excessive but it won't stop. Link to comment
Headwreck Posted September 2, 2018 Author Share Posted September 2, 2018 (edited) I think I should just get out of my partner's life, I'm ruining him. I'm horrible to him because I hate myself, maybe to push him away? But he won't go. The thinking. Even when I'm not ruminating the feeling and knowledge is there and I don't get a break. It's ruining my life, the exercise and everything else I mentioned has gone to pot because I can't do anything more than cry and think. A normal person would conclude that if this guy said the next day that he felt like kissing and in my colleagues house we were awkward and distant with each other rather than over familiar then it would suggest nothing had happened. But this is not enough for me. At the time I put my feet under this guy's legs and I kept that from my partner as I thought that was so disrespectful of me. That is all I knew about it. But now it's gone from sexual contact to thinking I've kissed him. Edited September 2, 2018 by Headwreck Link to comment
hedvig Posted September 2, 2018 Share Posted September 2, 2018 Call your doctor again tomorrow. Don’t make any big decisions such as separating while feeling like this. Really wish there was something I could do for you. Link to comment
hedvig Posted September 2, 2018 Share Posted September 2, 2018 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Headwreck said: I think I should just get out of my partner's life, I'm ruining him. I'm horrible to him because I hate myself, maybe to push him away? But he won't go. The thinking. Even when I'm not ruminating the feeling and knowledge is there and I don't get a break. It's ruining my life, the exercise and everything else I mentioned has gone to pot because I can't do anything more than cry and think. A normal person would conclude that if this guy said the next day that he felt like kissing and in my colleagues house we were awkward and distant with each other then it would suggest nothing had happened. But this is not enough for me. I know. Hey, you have got to take that small sparkle of self trust and self care that you have inside of you and fight for yourself. Edited September 2, 2018 by hedvig Link to comment
Headwreck Posted September 2, 2018 Author Share Posted September 2, 2018 I'm scared to call my Dr again. I looked into it and if I go on medication and report a problem it will be classed as a relapse and I won't be fit for service in the new job. I'm trapped, it's either my career in exchange for medical attention for something that may not even be OCD but is definitely depression and end up stuck in this job or stay trapped and suffering like this. Link to comment
Headwreck Posted September 2, 2018 Author Share Posted September 2, 2018 (edited) I don't even have a family member to stay with for a while, and all my friends are gone. I'm absolutely stuck, alone and trapped. My partner will not let me talk about anything, I think I should say I believe I kissed this person and then he can kick me out. I feel relief when I say I'm guilty. If I was single I would be over this, it's because I'm still with my partner. Edited September 2, 2018 by Headwreck Link to comment
hedvig Posted September 2, 2018 Share Posted September 2, 2018 2 minutes ago, Headwreck said: I'm scared to call my Dr again. I looked into it and if I go on medication and report a problem it will be classed as a relapse and I won't be fit for service in the new job. I'm trapped, it's either my career in exchange for medical attention for something that may not even be OCD but is definitely depression and end up stuck in this job or stay trapped and suffering like this. It doesn’t matter how you label it. You can’t go on like this. Are you sure it is really like that? I’d suggest you make that call anyways and describe your situation. Link to comment
hedvig Posted September 2, 2018 Share Posted September 2, 2018 2 minutes ago, Headwreck said: I don't even have a family member to stay with for a while, and all my friends are gone. I'm absolutely stuck, alone and trapped. My partner will not let me talk about anything, I think I should say I believe I kissed this person and then he can kick me out. I feel relief when I say I'm guilty. I’m quite sure that by now he knows you’re not certain of anything and how you doubt and blackpaint yourself so he would know you saying that doesn’t make it true and therefore wouldn’t jump on that and kick you out. Link to comment
hedvig Posted September 2, 2018 Share Posted September 2, 2018 (edited) Headwreck, I’m heading to bed but please know we are here for you and that we all care about you. Try to get some sleep and remember also that Sundays can be more difficult before work. I’ll log in tomorrow to check on you. x Edited September 2, 2018 by hedvig Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now