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Really bad setback


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I haven't been doing too well lately. My themes keep on switching; recently it was hypochondria (fear of getting this rare parasite in my eye and having cancer), paedophilia (what if I've done something inappropriate around children) and now it's what if I'm lesbian or bi. I keep on ruminating about my past; were there signs that I was a lesbian or bi. I watched a snippet of Oprah on YouTube last night and this woman said that she realised that she was a lesbian when she was married (turns out that her husband was also gay himself). She said that she was boy mad when she was younger but had crushes on her female friends, but didn't know that there was such thing as lesbians. She said she had a bad relationship with a girl and it made her not want another relationship with a woman, but then she got married and 5 years into the marriage she said she realised that she was a lesbian.

This spiked me majorly. I keep ruminating and thinking back to my past, what signs were there? I knew that people could be gay or bi and my parents were accepting of gay people. I went to a Catholic school but I ways always an atheist and was always against the teachings of Catholicism and Christianity. My parents weren't religious; my mum is a lapsed Catholic and my dad was a Jewish atheist. I now identify as Jewish and am undergoing a conversion, but I am a liberal Jew and Judaism especially progressive Judaism is accepting towards the LGBT community unlike Catholicism and most sects of Christianity. I know lots of openly gay people within the Jewish community. I've never been and I'm not particularly religious so I have no problem with gay and lesbians, I just don't want it for myself.

I started being interested in boys really late; 13, going on 14. I had crushes on guys; my first big crush was on Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic. I went to an all girls school and never got to meet boys. I worried that I would turn into a lesbian. I really liked boys and was excited to be around boys. I never really thought about girls in that way. I had a straight friend who always talked about what actress she would like to do a lesbian scene with and once made us watch this film about lesbians. I don't think I was really phased by it. This friend is straight by the way. Also when I was growing up it was quite fashionable to be "bi". When I was 18 I wondered what it would be like to kiss a girl and I thought I could be bi because I admired women's bodies, but my mum said it doesn't make you bi. Shortly after I started worrying about what if I was a lesbian or liked girls and it frightened me and made me sad. 

i once had a very brief encounter with a girl at uni when I was drunk. I don't remember it but I was very upset after it and was terrified that I was a lesbian and my OCD got really bad. It was only a one time thing. I've only ever gotten with guys otherwise. I only want to date guys and have sex with guys but I'm like what if one day I "realise" I'm a lesbian like that woman on Oprah? I'm really fussy when it comes to guys. I've only ever had one short term relationship which ended badly years ago. I was really into this guy but he broke my heart and I think it made me scared of relationships. The guys that I like are never into me and the guys that I'm not into are interested in me. 

I use Tinder but my mind would sometimes be like what if you're into girls and want to look at the girl's profiles. My mind would be so convincing but I never did it and I'd obsessively check that my settings were put at interested in men.

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OCD hops from one thing to the next once one thing is under control it trys a different Angle try to see all intrusive thoughts and doubts as ocd regardless of theme and refocus do not listen it is your ocd at play

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