OCD and family relationships

[BelAnna]

Hello, 

I'm living at home with my parents at the moment (I say 'at the moment' but it's been two and a half years now) and I'm well into my adulthood (30). It's not an ideal situation and if I could afford to live alone I would. 

At the moment my family are finding my contamination OCD very annoying and my Dad is having explosive outbursts because of it. I'm not really sure whether it's OK for him to respond like this or not really. As a bit of background he has in the past run after me yelling "I'm going to belt you" and pushed me against a wall and when I said I'm going to ring the police, told me that they won't care as I'm not a child (I was early 20s at the time) AND he can be aggressive but not physically violent with my Mum over financial issues (which he has royally messed up). When I was a kid he was mostly ok (he's quite remote in some ways so not overly caring and doesn't naturally say 'I love you' or hug or anything) but did occasionally get angry and run after me up the stairs, threatening to hit me. 

Today I told my Dad that I thought he was doing something deliberately to upset me (to upset my contamination OCD really so that was an unfair accusation), like my Grandmother (who lived with and had dementia) used to do, so in return he called me a '******* cow' and an idiot. I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself but do you think his name-calling is justified? I was called a "F* bitch" (he's quite posh so doesn't swear normally) a fortnight ago and I just don't think he should be like this even when my OCD is a problem.

 

Edited September 3, 2018 by BelAnna

[daja]

Yeah I am in a similar situation. I try not to moan at my Dad too much because his age and all the stresses he has with my sisters etc

 I am back home again and i’m now 40.

*hug*

[taurean]

Our OCD is can be very upsetting and frustrating to family members.

There is though some great downloadable material on the main OCD-UK website to help explain it to them, which may help. 

When my OCD was really bad it was absolutely hellish for my wife, who felt powerless to do anything to help. 

But she was able to, and she made it her business to learn about OCD and help me do my homework. 

I was therefore, and still am, very fortunate and can only wish that other people's family members would react in the same way

 

Edited September 3, 2018 by taurean

[BelAnna]

Thanks Taurean and Daja. Sorry you've both had tricky times with OCD and with the impact on your wife and father respectively. 

Taurean- your wife's approach to OCD and taking the time to learn about it sounds wonderful. My Mum is similar and read lots of books on OCD during my teenage years. 

[taurean]

I have three friends with children with mental health problems. 

Two have OCD with one also anorexic. The other has various anxiety-inducing cognitive distortions. 

I also have a nephew with schizophrenia and elements of agoraphobia. 

The one with the child with various cognitive distortions is a new friend and I have told her I understand these and the treatment process so am there for her when she needs me. 

She is learning what she can about these distortions in order to help his treatment. 

The other two have also learned about the conditions in order to help their child. 

Edited September 4, 2018 by taurean

[GreyCat]

I'm not living at home any more but I see my parents several times a week. They know how much I'm suffering but in best case they just choose to ignore it. They don't want to have a "sick" child. I think this reaction is of course not good and it hurts but maybe it's understandable. Parents usually want the best for their children and my parents are just helpless when they are confronted with my OCD. Sometimes they get angry, most of the time they just push it away,  after the motto "it cannot be what may not be". Of course I wish they would have learnt about OCD and I'm sad they didn't.  Since I realized that I won't get any help or support I try to hide it from them. It's a bit easier for me than for you since I'm not living at home any more but I truly wish I would have had more support and less of those hurtful remarks regarding my OCD....

[taurean]

That's sad greycat and shows just how much more work is needed in spreading awareness of OCD. Our charity OCD-UK provides lots of help, in educating friends and family members, on the main OCD-UK website. 

Trying to push OCD under the table doesn't  work for parents or children. It is there, it needs knowledge and hard work to overcome it, and understanding parents would make this process easier. 

At least we here can offer help and support towards the goal of overcoming the disorder. 

[cookiemonster]

When you see a family member struggling mentally and you feel powerless it can be very frustrating and distressing , this can lead to these sort of reactions. It doesn’t justify someone swearing at you or being aggressive. Also being an older adult, back in the day mental health had a very poor understanding. 

[legalseagull]

It's just plain out of order for your dad to threaten you with violence and insult and swear at you. Yes it must be frustrating to live with someone who has OCD but that's no excuse for his terrible behaviour.

My family are the same as yours Greycat, they have always ignored my anxiety and OCD even when it was severe and I was living with them.

 

[Angst]

I’m not saying that this is a good option but it is an option. You could appply for social housing and your mental health condition might give you some priority. You could take some advice on this. There are problems with this regards housing benefit and the roll out of universal credit. Let alone the shortage of social housing. But it might be worth investigating.

Is there, in your locality, a carers’ organisation?  This might be helpful for one or both your parents

[Don K]

Is 30 considered well into adulthood? Oh dear.  Sorry, your situtation sounds horrible.  I don't live with my parents and they don't know I have Ocd.  But it is really driving a wedge between me and my wife, to the point where I think life would be much easier if we separated.  Have you ever lived apart from them? What is stopping you moving away from them are you unable to work?  

[Avo]

19 hours ago, BelAnna said:

I'm living at home with my parents at the moment (I say 'at the moment' but it's been two and a half years now) and I'm well into my adulthood (30). It's not an ideal situation and if I could afford to live alone I would. 

At the moment my family are finding my contamination OCD very annoying and my Dad is having explosive outbursts because of it. I'm not really sure whether it's OK for him to respond like this or not really. As a bit of background he has in the past run after me yelling "I'm going to belt you" and pushed me against a wall and when I said I'm going to ring the police, told me that they won't care as I'm not a child (I was early 20s at the time) AND he can be aggressive but not physically violent with my Mum over financial issues (which he has royally messed up). When I was a kid he was mostly ok (he's quite remote in some ways so not overly caring and doesn't naturally say 'I love you' or hug or anything) but did occasionally get angry and run after me up the stairs, threatening to hit me. 

Today I told my Dad that I thought he was doing something deliberately to upset me (to upset my contamination OCD really so that was an unfair accusation), like my Grandmother (who lived with and had dementia) used to do, so in return he called me a '******* cow' and an idiot. I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself but do you think his name-calling is justified? I was called a "F* bitch" (he's quite posh so doesn't swear normally) a fortnight ago and I just don't think he should be like this even when my OCD is a problem.

Hi Belanna,

Firstly, sorry to hear about your home situation being so tense. OCD can cause tensions no doubt about it however I don't think it is appropriate for you to be spoken to like that. We all often say things in the heat of the moment but some of his behaviour to me sounds inappropriate. Has your Dad ever tried to learn about OCD himself to try and understand your situation.

My parents never knew about my OCD, my mum I think would have been supportive - my Dad not so much (least said about him the better really). My parents-in-law know after my wife told them - which annoyed me as I didn't think it was her place to tell them - she did it during a period of tension between me and them I think in an effort to try and explain things however I don't believe my behaviour was OCD I just wasn't getting along with them - we were in business with them at the time and its fair to say we didn't get along!

Anyway things are better now between us but they have never ever asked about my OCD, never enquired as to my mental wellbeing which I have found very disappointing. They are not bad people but I think where it comes to emotional issues their way of dealing with it seems to be ignoring them, at least with me anyway. 

My wife is supportive so I am fortunate there, what did help was her learning about OCD, would your dad consider that do you think?

[Guest PaulM]

Yeah, OCD is pretty difficult to hide.

Mine has affected every relationship - with my parents, siblings, and most devastating of all with my daughter. She has been impacted the most even though she's the one person I wish I could have sheltered more than anyone in the world.

Most of my OCD focuses on contamination and I was trying to clean up my place after this terrible job I had. While my heart was in the right place wanting to have it cleaned up so she could relax and not have me panicking if something "contaminated" was touched, it took too long to get comfortable at home. I've let my daughter down so many times that eventually she gave up on the hope of going home to my place and she now lives full time with her mom.

Her mom and I split up because of OCD. I don't really blame my ex-wife. There had been a lot of other external stresses going on around the time we were expecting my daughter, and something in particular happened with my ex-wife that was the start of the contamination fears. When my daughter was 3 I quit drinking. I was using it to cope with the anxiety. I was terrified nearly all the time. I didn't trust my ex-wife's judgement (and even in therapy the therapist had to tell her that what I was fearing was in some cases not OCD but legitimate). Everything I was concerned about as a new dad, my ex-wife would say, "It's your disease." I had to bring her to therapy to have the doctor talk to her about the things that were indeed real. It was awful, really, for all of us. Had I not been labelled (worst of all by her) I think the dynamic would have been different. But she's a nurse, and I'm not a healthcare professional, so my plea for her to listen fell on deaf ears. Drinking was a way to cope with a helpless situation, but as my doctor said a maladaptive one.

One of my brothers tore into me about the OCD and made fun of me. We haven't talked in 6 years.

My mom let me sleep on her couch for about 3 years and, while I appreciate her being there, it wasn't a very healthy thing for her and me. We've had a strained relationship in the past, and this really put things to the test.

My dad didn't really understand, even though he tried to, until he saw the impact it was having. He's turned out to be very understanding.

But if I had magic wand, time machine, genie in a lamp, one miracle granted, etc., it would be to fix how I let my daughter down while trying to get healthier. It's pretty hard to live with. Every time I see her empty room, and the toys in it from her past, it's a reminder of what was, and how I ruined things. Maybe it was OCD that ruined things, I don't know. But it's awful to live with. She comes over once a year now, for Christmas. She lives just a few kilometers away with her mom. I talk to her on the phone a lot. She's 15 and is doing what teenagers do. But since she was about 6 years old, OCD got worse and worse, I kept letting her down, and at around 10 she became very very angry with me. OCD robbed me of great experiences I should have had as her father. Or maybe that's just an excuse and I screwed it all up myself. Either way it hurts to think about.

Edited to add: It doesn't help that all she's heard was her mom and I split up because of my drinking. I was sober 8 months before she called off the marriage. I did everything I could to save things. It was after an argument over mold and a wet cloth that, the next day, she ended things. I'm certain that wasn't it, and was only the last straw as they say, but I wish she'd tell my daughter the truth that I was trying so hard. And, even after going through the seemingly endless series of challenges since then and OCD becoming worse than ever, I didn't start drinking again. So far, I've made it 12 years sober. I don't have much to be proud of myself for, but that's something I guess.

But given the choice, there's nothing I want more than to be able to fulfill my daughter's wishes at the time when she wanted to come live with me like she used to. That's gone, probably forever.

Edited September 4, 2018 by PaulM

[daja]

Oh Paul you’ve been through the wars. Twelve years sober is a great achievement.

[taurean]

Paul what a story, I am so sorry that the OCD has taken so much away from you. 

My sister and I have had OCD since our teens. 

In my case, it would be of a short episodic duration, kicking off in stressful situations like starting a new job - or non-busy situations like taking a holiday

Gradually it got worse and worse, and for longer periods - incorporating constantly-repeating mental intrusions. 

During an episode it would put enormous strain on relationships with others, especially my wife. 

She didn't give up on me ; she learned with me, encouraged me in therapy, and I have had enormous help from OCD-UK and this community. 

I have been free of OCD now for 17 months - apart from a short blip in July 2017 - and that has been wonderful. 

Edited September 4, 2018 by taurean

[Caramoole]

Hi Anna,

Oh, Deary Me.....what a mess.

Your OCD causes you immeasurable problems that you feel unable to address.  Yet clearly, the effect of your OCD on others (not blame but simple facts) causes them stress and distress that they are finding themselves unable to address or control equally.......hence the distressing outbursts from your Dad.  He too (in his own way) is suffering and not coping.  It's unfortunate, it's distressing, it's very, very sad that the family is suffering this way, all of you.

Your Dad could help his/ the general situation by learning more about OCD and accepting that the fact that you suffer is not your fault and learning to moderate his reaction......but that responsibility is shared, you too have to accept your role in this  and the changes you need to start making to change the way OCD affects your life, and by default, the lives of those close to you.

What's your current action plan?  On a daily basis, what are your goals, what are the things you're challenging?  What are you working on?

As you make gains and improve, so will your Dad.  So let's have a working plan on the lines Gingerbread Girl shared a while back. How's about it?  Is it a plan?

[Guest PaulM]

When I was sleeping at my mom's place, there were things that happened where she lost her patience. At one point washing up was taking me 3 hours. She would sometimes sigh or say something like "are you nearly done" in a strong tone. Sometimes she'd say I can't stay there anymore. I remember turning on the light in the bathroom and finding only one bulb left - she removed the others to save electricity. Subtle, and not so subtle, things like that - a bit passive aggressive, sometimes full on aggressive. It wasn't great but it took getting out of there to see the unhealthy state of things. I had enough regrets about my daughter without annoying my mom on an almost daily basis.

Actually, one of the reasons I ended up back home at my own place when I did was because she was going on holiday and didn't want me around while she was gone. In retrospect it was a good thing - I was in the middle of therapy and they helped me get to a point where I could stay in my place again. I had a deadline and help to meet it.

In somewhat ironic fashion, although not entirely surprising, she was upset that I wasn't coming back to stay on her couch when she came back. I had moved forward in recovery -  I didn't want to go back. I also didn't want to go back where I felt unwelcome at times.

[Guest PaulM]

And thank you, daja and taurean, for the kind words.

I miss my daughter, a lot.

[BelAnna]

Wow thanks for all your help everyone- I take forever to write so I will try to write back tonight or tomorrow. I'm really sorry to hear of your difficult experiences with OCD and family too!