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Losing hope of moving on


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Apologies for posting again. On the back of doing my volunteer induction I felt that I should challenge myself and my fears. So I thought that maybe I should test out situations in which I will have anxiety around contamination. At the same time I wanted to try and spend more time with someone I feel close too. I don't know if I have done the right thing or I have made a mistake.

So I decided to invite the person I am close to stay at mine for the night. We had spent the afternoon together and then came back to mine where I cooked us both dinner and then watched tv. They stayed the night before leaving the next morning.

I constantly felt like I was on high alert, constantly worrying that they will be ill or they have a bug and I will catch it. When we went to sleep I couldn't help, but notice every move and noise they made. If they went to use the toilet I was always worried that they were ill. I definitely felt very anxious. I tried to just go along with it and tell myself that I need to face my fears. When I woke in the morning I felt a little less anxious.

So now I am all over the place not knowing what to do next. This is both for volunteer work and spending more time with this person. With regards to the volunteer work I am worried that if I am struggling to cope in my own environment with someone I trust, how will I manage the volunteer role with the children.

Then with regards to this person. I actually would like to spend more time together just like the other night. I want to explore us actual possibly being in a relationship. However I feel repulsed by any physical contact eg kissing/holding hands. I feel uneasy with anything relating to bodily functions. I just don't know how I am going get past this. It has just made me feel a little down about the whole situation. I mean it was actually really nice spending time together like we did, but there is just no physical contact at all. I feel so bad about myself and cannot understand why I feel so repulsed by all these things.

I just don't know what to do on both fronts. I feel like I will just mess things up.

I have been trying so much. Little small things like stroking a friends dog (I would usually avoid), going to bed out of my usual set times, eating dinner out of set times etc. But now I just feel like I cannot move past these difficulties.

I know somewhere in me that I need to just keep challenging myself, but I can't help but feel I am going to be stuck like this. How will I ever find paid employment when I cannot touch certain things or be around others without constant anxiety. How will I ever have a relationship if I cannot have physical closeness. It isn't that I don't want physical closeness or intimacy. It is just I feel repulsed by it.

I had been feeling a little more positive, but these past few days have thrown me. 

Has anyone experienced this major disgust at others with regards to touch, kissing, even looking at them physically (like hands/legs etc)? I am scared that when I volunteer a situation may arise where I feel repulsed and feel fearful to physical contact. On top of that I am aware of safeguarding practice when working with children and I am start to feel that I won't be able to have physical contact at all. (Years ago I had this problem with my nieces). From the induction I know we can have some contact. But that feels too much.

I just don't know how to move on from this anymore.

 

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Hi Jamie,

I think you are being too hard on yourself - it sounds to me like you have taken the right approach, worked hard and made some really good progress. I know when I try to look too far ahead it can feel overwhelming, so I try to focus on feeling good about the progress I have made and working on the next step. Keep doing what you've been doing and gradually the anxiety will lessen and you can move on to the next challenge. You said yourself you felt less anxious in the morning, hopefully next time it will be even less and so on. Best of luck, and don't give up. 

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Try to build on those small victories, they're money in the bank. In terms of motivation, never forget, the things that are keeping you 'safe' are doing you harm. And try this - life is short, the next day is never certain, for any of us, try to remember that life is always just a turn away from a real emergency ... disaster (and make that a positive). In an emergency you wouldn't hesitate to touch your friend, pick up a dog, or whatever. Those everyday 'reserves' that OCD provides, are the stuff of nonsense.    

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Hi Jamie, sorry to hear you are having a tough time.  Let me start by saying it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job of working on your OCD.  You are pushing yourself in to new areas and challenging your fears, riding out anxiety, and in general trying to live a more rewarding and fulfilling life in spite of the OCD.  Thats awesome!  
Its very easy, and natural to focus on the downsides, the parts of life that bother us, the struggles we are facing, so I think your concerns are understandable to us all.  And, of course, its natural to want to not have those struggles either.  I, for one, am impatient in general but definitely so when dealing with OCD.  Unfortunately one of the lessons I have had to learn in my personal journey is that of patience.  Ugh.
It helps for me to think of OCD recovery and treatment as a marathon rather than a sprint.  Unfortunately its not the sort of thing that clears up quickly, it takes time and effort.  The good news is it sounds like you are willing and motivated to put in the work.  The challenge will be allowing yourself to enjoy the progress and manage expectations along the way.  Another way to think of it is like trying to lose weight, the best and most effective approach is a slow and steady process of doing the right things (better diet, more exercise) over time.  You may not notice the difference between today and tomorrow, but when you look back over a month or a year, you see how different things are!

So my advice for going forward is to continue to challenge your OCD, but also recognize that it may take time to get better.  Its good to have long term goals to work towards, but also maybe think about shorter term goals that you can use to get you there, checkpoints if you will, so that when you are making progress you will feel good as you achieve each step.

In regards to the relationship, its definitely possible to have rewarding and meaningful relationships that don't involve physical intimacy, if your friend/partner doesn't already know about your OCD think about when you want to tell them.  If they understand your struggles they can help make sure you go forward together with a mutually agreed upon plan.  In time, if you keep working on the OCD maybe physical contact won't seem so bad to you and who knows, maybe someday you will enjoy it.   When I first developed OCD it was difficult for me to travel anywhere.  I became very anxious about travel, be it car, bus, train, or plane.  Over the last 25 years I've had to confront and deal with those anxieties and in time each situation became easier and easier for me, to the point where now, I take the train/subway to work every day, and I fly at least once a year, often multiple times, with little to know anxiety.  In each case, the more I did the thing, the more the anxiety lost its grip.  Medication and CBT were important of course, but the upshot is that it took time and effort.  I think if you keep working on moving forward you'll get to a better place too.  Maybe not today or tomorrow but soon, and (hopefully) for the rest of your life (to borrow a phrase). 

So hang in there, keep up the good work, and remember to go easy on yourself!  You are doing all the right things, you should be proud of what you are accomplishing so far!

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Thank you for all the responses to my post and for giving my feedback on what I am doing. I guess I am failing to see that I am trying to face the anxiety and my fears. I know that I need to keep exposing myself to different situations that I would normally avoid. I can now see I am making small steps and it doesn't have to happen all at once.

I guess I am struggling from all different angles. I get really confused. With the person I am close to, I am going back and fourth between trying to work out what I feel. So I am questioning if I really do like them. I wouldn't be surprised if this is just another way I am obsessing. So when I am not around them I want to spend time with them, but then when I am in their company I am questioning our interactions, asking myself if I really do find them attractive, questioning parts of their personality that is challenging and whether they are the right person. Then when we are apart I feel that I am attracted to them, want to spend time with them, want to share experiences together etc. I know that the physical closeness is a big issue. Sometimes I wonder if that wasn't there then things would be more easy to cope with. I am meant to be seeing them again soon and possibly they may stay over like before. Part of me feels I shouldn't give up, there is something that is pushing me towards them. Oh I don't know. 

With regards to this person understanding the situation. They also struggle with OCD in different ways. So we do both appreciate that there is anxiety for both of us. I am very open with them and can usually talk about anything. Again the issue is physical closeness. This person feels that if we were in a relationship that should include kissing and everything else otherwise it wouldn't be a relationship. See I can imagine holding their hand and would like to do that or being close whilst laying it bed. but when it comes to it I just cannot do it and have so much anxiety.

It is so difficult to work out. 

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Sorry to post again....I am struggling to understand whether my thoughts are normal and it is natural to feel this way.

I don't really know who to discuss this with who would understand where I am coming from. It is related to my last post and the person I am close with. I don't know how much the everyday person will question their feelings towards another person. Like I mentioned before, I feel attracted to this person and enjoy spending my time with them, but when in their company I am questioning my feelings and are they genuine. I also find myself analysing them. It is like I am finding any reason that will show we wouldn't suit being in a relationship.

This is where I am confused, because there are parts of this person's personality that are not attractive, yet I feel pulled towards them. I just can't seem to let it go.

I saw my support worker not that long ago and mentioned about this said person staying over and my anxiety, but wasn't able to talk about obsessing over my feelings and are they genuine. What they did say though was that even though I get anxious I should repeat the scenario. That I need to face the anxieties more and this will make the anxiety drop. The more I avoid situation the worse my anxiety will be and I will become more restricted.

It makes sense and I know deep down that I need to put myself in these situations. How does one just go with their gut instinct instead of questioning everything? 

Sorry to be a pain. It just feels easier to stay as friends. 

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On 08/09/2018 at 00:02, jamie2011 said:

Sorry to be a pain. It just feels easier to stay as friends. 

It would be easier to stay friends, but then you might miss out on something even more amazing, a relationship that has great potential.  Relationships involve risk, which is normal for anyone to be anxious about but of course is a special kind of challenge for those of us with OCD.  The same is true for other behaviors that people with OCD tend to avoid.  Perhaps its going out of your house, or going to a particular place, or any number of things.  

Only you will be able to decide when and if you will take the opportunity to be more than friends with this person (though of course they can always say no and you should respect that).  If you wait until there is no possibility of doubt about any of it you'll be waiting forever.  Unfortunately doubt is a part of life, and as much as we OCD sufferers seek to stamp out all possibility of doubt, thats just not in the cards.  I know its not the answer you were probably hoping to get, I wish I could give you a definitive yes or no (and someone could do the same for me when I have doubts and what ifs) but even if I did, OCD would probably make you doubt that too.  Such is the nature of the burden we face.  But that doesnt mean you cant have a rewarding and meaningful relationship, you definitely can, you just have to decide at what point you are willing to take the risk and accept the doubt.  I wish you the best of luck with your decision, but keep in mind that it doesnt have to be an all or nothing all at once decision either.  You can take the relationship one step at a time and see where things go.  One day at a time :)

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Thank you for taking the time to respond and giving your input on the situation. What you say makes perfect sense. It is like I am searching for 100% in knowing whether what I feel is genuine.

I know deep down that this is not possible, we can never know anything for certain. I think this situation will work itself out. In the sense that I won't go over it over and over. I will take small steps and see what plays out.

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