Are mental compulsions part of OCD

[lonelygirl91]

I have OCD about being a lesbian or bi. Recently I was doing really well and felt well but these past two weeks it's been bad.

Today has been terrible. I keep testing mental scenarios in my head; could I do stuff with a woman. I test it in my mind hoping to be repulsed but when my mind isn't and makes it seems like I could want to be with a woman I start to panic. I test these intimate thoughts and when it seems like I could be that way inclined I freak out. I even start hyperventilating. When i test these thoughts and im repulsed i feel happy. When i dont get the result i want i feel so terrible.

Is this part of OCD? I have OCD and have had this theme for years. I feel so terrible and so trapped. I want this to go away. 

I'm seeing a therapist next week. 

[Skullpops]

Yes, what you describe is very typical of OCD and you're correct in saying that they are compulsions. 

You have to try really hard to resist the compulsions. As a fellow sufferer I know this is way easier said than done. You won't get it right the first time, but that's ok, it takes practice. Testing yourself, googling, comparisons, imagining scenarios = all compulsions. Work on refocusing your mind and energy to something else when you catch yourself doing it. Like I said, it takes practice, so don't beat yourself up about not mastering it straight away. 

[lostinme]

Yes I’m afraid to say it’s all OCD lonely girl 

Some great advice from skullpops, it does take lots of practice but things can and do get easier you just need to be persistent 

[lonelygirl91]

It's so hard to resist compulsions. 

55 minutes ago, lonelygirl91 said:

I keep testing mental scenarios in my head; could I do stuff with a woman. I test it in my mind hoping to be repulsed but when my mind isn't and makes it seems like I could want to be with a woman I start to panic. I test these intimate thoughts and when it seems like I could be that way inclined I freak out. I even start hyperven

Is this OCD that whenever you test sometimes your mind tricks you and you're not repulsed and my mind makes it seem like I could want to do stuff with a woman? I'm like WTF and it makes me test more. Does OCD trick you like that?

Thanks for the response guys. I'm trying to take my mind off of testing and I feel better. 

Edited September 6, 2018 by lonelygirl91
Wanted to add something

[lostinme]

It is flower, but it’s achieveable with lots and lots of practice and commitment

Im afraid so flower, it needs treating exactly the same way as any OCD compulsion 

[taurean]

With this type of obsession, lonelygirl, OCD takes one of our true core character values, such as sexual preference, relationship, care - and suggests the opposite to be true. 

Our reaction is one of distress, and it causes us to doubt ourselves and carry out compulsions to try and prove it wrong. 

Sadly, the compulsions only add weight to the OCD, make things worse, toss in more doubt. 

Don't believe the OCD,  remember your true core values and believe them. 

[Skullpops]

12 minutes ago, lonelygirl91 said:

It's so hard to resist compulsions. 

Is this OCD that whenever you test sometimes your mind tricks you and you're not repulsed and my mind makes it seem like I could want to do stuff with a woman? I'm like WTF and it makes me test more. Does OCD trick you like that?

Thanks for the response guys. I'm trying to take my mind off of testing and I feel better. 

Yes, absolutely. All OCD my lovely. 

[paradoxer]

3 hours ago, lonelygirl91 said:

It's so hard to resist compulsions. 

Is this OCD that whenever you test sometimes your mind tricks you and you're not repulsed and my mind makes it seem like I could want to do stuff with a woman? I'm like WTF and it makes me test more. Does OCD trick you like that?

Thanks for the response guys. I'm trying to take my mind off of testing and I feel better. 

It sounds like you're fishing a bit for reassurance here. Don't - just put it down. After 250 plus posts, I guess you know OCD's MO.

Take care. 

[PolarBear]

When you test, you are checking, which is a very common compulsion. As you have no doubt figured out, any relief you feel from checking is short lived and you are compelled to check again. And again. It is the OCD trap. Compulsions just lead to more distress and compulsions.

Clearly this behavior is not working for you. So why keep doing it? Resist. And keep on resisting.

[taurean]

It will probably help at this point to read my post again ; this is the cognitive side of OCD - how it works. 

When my therapist explained this to me it really made sense, I really understood what the OCD was up to - and stopped giving any belief to it. 

After that it was so much easier, and I also understood how the carrying out of compulsions just strengthened the OCD thinking. 

[njb]

Massively and therein lies endless doubt, confusion, guilt, shame, utter false conviction...shall I go on!? I'm a complete and utter 'hand up' compulsive self tester. But I'm working on it. Even when you think you are having a good day it will get you! Distract! 

[lonelygirl91]

Hi there everyone. I'm feeling better today. I've still been testing but not as much. I'm setting myself a challenge not to mentally test for 24 hours. 

[Emsie]

That’s really good to hear LG. Well done. Keep going and wishing you well. X

[lonelygirl91]

I had a really good evening last night. I managed to stop mentally testing and I felt better. I even felt desire for guys. I had some wine to drink last night and I felt myself feeling horny for guys and I fantasised about guys, which I really enjoyed and didn't want to stop.

Today I'm not feeling so good. 7 years ago I got with a girl when drunk. I vaguely remember what the girl looked like, just that she was blonde and large. I went to the hairdresser and she reminded me of that girl I got with (thankfully it wasn't her) and I felt really anxious and started testing again. I still remember the girl's name who I got with, but I can't remember how I felt when I made out with her. Is that normal? I've gotten with guys before- some whose names I don't remember, some that I've forgotten and didn't remember the night. Is this normal.

I've only ever gotten with a girl once and that was when I was drunk at university. I felt anxious and scared after it happened and worried that I was a lesbian. I was confused and lost and didn't know how I felt. I claimed that I "enjoyed"- I wrote on my yahoo account that night that I "liked it" and was scared I was a lesbian. I don't know if I really did "like" it. I've done stuff when drunk and gotten with guys who I would never look at twice when sober, but when drunk was all over them and seemed to have "enjoyed" myself. I honestly would never be interested in these guys when sober. I don't like when people say drunk thoughts are sober thoughts. I don't get drunk anymore; only I'll have some rose wine sometimes. I find having a glass or two is enough, anymore and I get anxious and don't feel in control.

I've never let that night go with that girl. I wish it had never happened. Do I sound bi? A bi girl would enjoy getting with a girl. I don't know if I really "enjoyed" it and if I was just drunk and in the moment and don't really know how I felt. I've never gotten with a girl since nor do I desire to.

[PolarBear]

Except for your first paragraph, your post is just written down ruminating. You said you had a good day yesterday and what did you do today? You went right back to ruminating, going over the past, trying to figure out what it means... there's your problem. It's right there in front of you.

[lonelygirl91]

On 08/09/2018 at 20:30, lonelygirl91 said:

I had a really good evening last night. I managed to stop mentally testing and I felt better. I even felt desire for guys. I had some wine to drink last night and I felt myself feeling horny for guys and I fantasised about guys, which I really enjoyed and didn't want to stop.

Today I'm not feeling so good. 7 years ago I got with a girl when drunk. I vaguely remember what the girl looked like, just that she was blonde and large. I went to the hairdresser and she reminded me of that girl I got with (thankfully it wasn't her) and I felt really anxious and started testing again. I still remember the girl's name who I got with, but I can't remember how I felt when I made out with her. Is that normal? I've gotten with guys before- some whose names I don't remember, some that I've forgotten and didn't remember the night. Is this normal.

I've only ever gotten with a girl once and that was when I was drunk at university. I felt anxious and scared after it happened and worried that I was a lesbian. I was confused and lost and didn't know how I felt. I claimed that I "enjoyed"- I wrote on my yahoo account that night that I "liked it" and was scared I was a lesbian. I don't know if I really did "like" it. I've done stuff when drunk and gotten with guys who I would never look at twice when sober, but when drunk was all over them and seemed to have "enjoyed" myself. I honestly would never be interested in these guys when sober. I don't like when people say drunk thoughts are sober thoughts. I don't get drunk anymore; only I'll have some rose wine sometimes. I find having a glass or two is enough, anymore and I get anxious and don't feel in control.

I've never let that night go with that girl. I wish it had never happened. Do I sound bi? A bi girl would enjoy getting with a girl. I don't know if I really "enjoyed" it and if I was just drunk and in the moment and don't really know how I felt. I've never gotten with a girl since nor do I desire to.

I'm still feeling pretty terrible. My mind is trying to convince me that I should look up this girl on Facebook. I don't want to do it but my mind is saying that I want to. Do you ever get that feeling that your mind is trying to make you seem like you really want to do something but you actually don't. Does that make sense.  

[dksea]

9 hours ago, lonelygirl91 said:

I still remember the girl's name who I got with, but I can't remember how I felt when I made out with her. Is that normal? I've gotten with guys before- some whose names I don't remember, some that I've forgotten and didn't remember the night. Is this normal.

Absolutely its normal to remember some things and not others.  Apart from a small handful of people with a specific condition, human memory is like that.  I very much doubt that you could tell me what you had for breakfast on June 17, 2004 for example.  Memories unreliability and OCD's demand for certainty are of course at odds.  If people could remember things with 100% certainty and know it, then so many OCD anxieties would vanish (did I really lock the door...). 
 

9 hours ago, lonelygirl91 said:

I've never let that night go with that girl. I wish it had never happened. Do I sound bi? A bi girl would enjoy getting with a girl. I don't know if I really "enjoyed" it and if I was just drunk and in the moment and don't really know how I felt. I've never gotten with a girl since nor do I desire to.

This is textbook OCD.  You are obsessing about doubts related to one incident that happened years ago that you yourself admit you barely remember.  I understand the desire/sensation/urge to want to KNOW something for sure.  Its the demon that is OCD.  But the reality is, you don't NEED to know 100% for sure.  It feels like you do, and that feeling causes anxiety and distress, and that anxiety and distress sucks, I've been there, we all have.  But telling you "yes" or "no" to any of your questions isn't going to stop the anxiety.  If it would then you wouldn't still be worried about it.  7 years have passed, your life has gone on, this was a minor incident, if you didn't have OCD you'd almost certainly not even care.  Most people, people without OCD, will automatically stop caring, its how the brain is supposed to work.  Those of us with OCD, sometimes we have to manually stop caring, and the way we manually stop caring is unfortunately difficult.  Its not as straightforward as simply saying to ourselves "i don't care about THAT anymore".  Instead, it requires not giving in when the OCD tries to pull us in to worrying and analyzing and ruminating and checking.  It means experiencing the anxiety and not engaging with the thoughts.  It takes effort and patience and you won't always be able to ignore the urges, you'll slip back in to old patterns, but if you keep at it, it will stop bothering you.

 

9 hours ago, lonelygirl91 said:

My mind is trying to convince me that I should look up this girl on Facebook. I don't want to do it but my mind is saying that I want to. Do you ever get that feeling that your mind is trying to make you seem like you really want to do something but you actually don't. Does that make sense.  

Yes, I get this, its a form of rumination/checking.  You are seeking answers, you are seeking certainty, you want to be able to look at this girl and know "for sure" whether you are attracted to her or not.  It's just OCD.

[cookiemonster]

It’s ocd. Trying keeping yourself busy to reduce time for ruminating and compulsions. I’m glad you are seeing a therapist. Remind yourself it is the ocd. 

[lonelygirl91]

Thanks for your replies guys. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow morning; I hope he can help me. In the mean time I'm trying not to check and ruminate and am keeping myself busy with work and hobbies. 

[Cub]

I keep testing mental scenarios too; what if I did this, what if I went there, what should I do here, what if I did this another way? It's exhausting. Good luck with the therapist. <3

[taurean]

Then we have to stop the compulsing  

It only, ever, makes things worse - strengthens the obsessions.