Deeper down the rabbit hole (groinal responses)

[Ollie46]

I have just been having the worst time of it, ima t my lowest low right this second. My groknal responses to the intrusive pedophile thoughts are at an all-time high for the first time in years. Earlier I was watching porn and masturbating and the thoughts were intruding, which isn’t unsual these days and I’m normally pretty good at ignoring them, but then right towards the end I had one that just felt so real and it came at the worst time. I immediately had a panic attack, I felt sick to my stomach and now I can’t sleep. I understand that groinal responses happen because of screwed up messages in the brain, because the sexual part of the brain reacts automatically to sex in general, ignoring the context it’s being thought about in. Knowing this should comfort me but it doesn’t at all. I can’t stop ruminating and picking apart this experience in my head. Inside there’s a part of me that just knows it meant nothing but there’s so much fear, do I really know that for sure? Things similar to this have happened before, years ago, and I’ve gotten over it. But this is raw and I’m finding it very hard to move on, and I’m doubting myself thinking that the similar experiences I had were real and that I was just kidding myself getting over them. I thought I’d fortified my mind the past 5 years and made myself better at dealing with this stuff, but it’s apparent to me now that I’m just weak-minded.

[paradoxer]

Typical mate, your post is one big rumination. Drop it. Don't engage with the 'dilemma' - and move on. 

[cookiemonster]

Now and again your ocd will creep back in and things like this will crop up. Don’t let it take control and move on. 

[Ollie46]

Thanks for the response cookiemonster  

Yes, I definitely see that now, I’ve been trying to chill out the past few days and just let things like this go. I’ve not been doing too bad, I catch myself slipping up here and there. I keep finding myself feeling guilty which is what catches me out, I didn’t used to get that so it’s quite new thing for me. But I’m doing my best to ignore it and move past and know that all is well. It can just be so hard sometimes, I’ve been really upset recently, I just feel like a terrible person and that’s the hardest part... and then when I finally move past something, something else happens and it’s back to feeling like a guilty monster all over again. Forgiving myself for having these thoughts is proving extremely difficult