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Had a massive argument this morning as partner made a comment about someone being a cheat and I couldn't stop thinking about it. He's said I'm making his life hell because I have put myself in a situation where I don't know if I did something and he doesn't deserve it. I don't feel like I can get any closure on this, I'd rather he just said " yes you are a cheat so I'm leaving you" or "yes you are a cheat but I forgive you" rather than " don't talk about it as I don't want to know and let's move on". I can't move on.

I really don't know if I did something because I was so drunk in the pub but afterwards when we went to colleagues house I can remember bits from that and don't recall anything going on also we were sat opposite ends of couch etc not cuddled etc as though something had gone on previously. The guy in question also said to me the following day that he felt like kissing me so why would he say that if we kissed in the pub? Maybe he forgot or he was testing if I remembered. Maybe he was too drunk to remember and he was also taking drugs but what is the likelihood that neither of us know. This was all nearly three years ago, I tried to ask him about it end of last year and he blocked me so maybe something did go on.

I've been doing so well not going over the night over and over but I am still having problems leaving alone the fact that I don't know and that I'm a cheat. I've pretty much admitted to myself that I am and trying to live with that which is proving very difficult to the point where I've been researching suicides a lot more and lurking on suicide forums. I'm at a point where I just can't live with myself and there's nothing I can do about it. All I do is cry.

Edited by Headwreck
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Also my partner keeps saying he just wants to move on without knowing but I can't just leave it like that. I know a lot of people would see that as a way out but I can't do that as I think he thinks nothing happened so he is saying it to placate me. And what happens if i did that and someone turns up and says something happened. I can't get married or anything with this hanging over me, if he asked I'd say no so it's pretty much dead in the water now anyway.

Edited by Headwreck
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But there is something you can do about it :) That's working on reducing and ultimately eliminating the use of compulsions to try and answer the unanswerable doubts you feel.  That includes rumination, reassurance seeking, researching.  As long as we continue to use these methods the anxiety, doubt and distress will remain.  You will endlessly remain unsatisfied and distressed by the doubt and endlessly be locked into the quest of searching for answers that can't be found :(

When these doubts hit you, what are you doing to try and resist that urge to carry out a compulsion?  How much has you partner learned about OCD so that he understands why you have this doubt, what's causing it, how he can help you approach things in a different way?  It seems that he too is viewing the situation as a real situation as opposed to the chronic doubt caused by a difficult, utterly-convincing anxiety disorder.  It would be really helpful for you both to start again and learn together about OCD as a condition, and together, start a new strategy to handle it differently :)

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18 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

But there is something you can do about it :) That's working on reducing and ultimately eliminating the use of compulsions to try and answer the unanswerable doubts you feel.  That includes rumination, reassurance seeking, researching.  As long as we continue to use these methods the anxiety, doubt and distress will remain.  You will endlessly remain unsatisfied and distressed by the doubt and endlessly be locked into the quest of searching for answers that can't be found :(

When these doubts hit you, what are you doing to try and resist that urge to carry out a compulsion?  How much has you partner learned about OCD so that he understands why you have this doubt, what's causing it, how he can help you approach things in a different way?  It seems that he too is viewing the situation as a real situation as opposed to the chronic doubt caused by a difficult, utterly-convincing anxiety disorder.  It would be really helpful for you both to start again and learn together about OCD as a condition, and together, start a new strategy to handle it differently :)

Hi Caramoole,

I've stopped most compulsions I think, the ruminating used to be about the night and what happened but now it's about me being a cheat just in general and how I am to proceed and live my life with this, how I will be known as that forever and how my relationship is now tarnished and not right because of this black mark, I can't say my relationship is clear and right. It is not right. I don't know if that constitutes as a compulsion but I didn't think it did as I wasn't thinking about the events of the night directly. Anything else I've whittled down to next to nothing, including the posting on here. I do keep wanting to talk about it to my partner but try not to.

It is kind of a real situation though surely. 'Normal' people would also be concerned. I know it was nearly three years ago and it didn't bother me until a year ago but I think that's because I had never considered the fact that I could have done this and I was also preoccupied with thinking my partner had cheated on me. Also people get an attack of conscience after doing something bad which can be from years ago. I'm also not sure if I did actually know about this before now and now I've over confused myself into believing I don't know. Or maybe I was never sure but I don't remember not being sure.

I do know that it has been a bit excessive though as I have been worrying about this every day since last October. But don't normal people worry for long periods too?

Edited by Headwreck
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I've also realised too that I'm not really anxious anymore when I think about it but it's still confused and don't know anything and question it all. If anxiety drives the questions and doubts then I don't think it's OCD that I have.

I also must add that I was flirting etc on this night out and wanted something to happen because I thought it would stop me caring about my partner being a cheat (he's not, I was wrong but I thought he was for 4 years). I am in no way innocent party here, this is all my fault. I also remember in the past saying to myself that he would forgive me if I cheated etc so I think I must have known? Is it possible to forget?

 

Edited by Headwreck
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Hi Headwreck

I'm really sorry you're struggling with this, I appreciate how difficult it is and how ODD can make things seem utterly real. 

Well Done on putting all the hard work in to reduce your compulsions.  Now you have to try and do the same with this doubt.  No matter how convincing the doubt feels, you have to try and apply the same rules to this one.  Checking and resisting rumination about it, resisting the urge to go over it with your partner, to ask questions from others, to try and find reassurance.

Let's try and start again today.  Identify when that doubting thought happens.  Looking at what you feel compelled to do immediately following the thought.  What actions/behaviours do you actually do?

How's about it?

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Headwreck your partner is probably just stressed and come out with a silly comment. My husband is the most laid back person ever, but even he has said to me in the past when I have kept going over and over worries, that we’ve been through this a hundred times and when am I going to start fighting the OCD!! He didn’t mean to be harsh or anything, but I think it’s so hard for them to see us in constant turmoil and of course they then get stressed and upset for us too. 

I really have been in your situation. I can’t recommend enough getting a good therapist and seeing your GP. I think you will be so pleased when you do, as I was x

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9 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Hi Headwreck

I'm really sorry you're struggling with this, I appreciate how difficult it is and how ODD can make things seem utterly real. 

Well Done on putting all the hard work in to reduce your compulsions.  Now you have to try and do the same with this doubt.  No matter how convincing the doubt feels, you have to try and apply the same rules to this one.  Checking and resisting rumination about it, resisting the urge to go over it with your partner, to ask questions from others, to try and find reassurance.

Let's try and start again today.  Identify when that doubting thought happens.  Looking at what you feel compelled to do immediately following the thought.  What actions/behaviours do you actually do?

How's about it?

I do try I really do but everything feels fake, it feels like I'm just trying to get away with it and forget it. I don't feel like I deserve anything good and always ask myself I wonder what people would do if they knew, they would think I was horrible. It's just always in my head.

I'm also very distant with my partner. Could that be a compulsion? I feel guilty otherwise.

 

 

Edited by Headwreck
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I don't remember how I got over the idea of my partner cheating, it just seemed to go away and then this started literally straight after. I don't think I've been worry free for a number of years and don't envision that ever changing. I often wonder what will be next?

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34 minutes ago, Dragonfly said:

Headwreck your partner is probably just stressed and come out with a silly comment. My husband is the most laid back person ever, but even he has said to me in the past when I have kept going over and over worries, that we’ve been through this a hundred times and when am I going to start fighting the OCD!! He didn’t mean to be harsh or anything, but I think it’s so hard for them to see us in constant turmoil and of course they then get stressed and upset for us too. 

I really have been in your situation. I can’t recommend enough getting a good therapist and seeing your GP. I think you will be so pleased when you do, as I was x

I know you are right, he is sick of it, he says he is not feeding it so refuses to talk even when I'm upset. It's hard not to feel completely isolated.x

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5 hours ago, Headwreck said:

Had a massive argument this morning as partner made a comment about someone being a cheat and I couldn't stop thinking about it. He's said I'm making his life hell because I have put myself in a situation where I don't know if I did something and he doesn't deserve it. I don't feel like I can get any closure on this, I'd rather he just said " yes you are a cheat so I'm leaving you" or "yes you are a cheat but I forgive you" rather than " don't talk about it as I don't want to know and let's move on". I can't move on.

I really don't know if I did something because I was so drunk in the pub but afterwards when we went to colleagues house I can remember bits from that and don't recall anything going on also we were sat opposite ends of couch etc not cuddled etc as though something had gone on previously. The guy in question also said to me the following day that he felt like kissing me so why would he say that if we kissed in the pub? Maybe he forgot or he was testing if I remembered. Maybe he was too drunk to remember and he was also taking drugs but what is the likelihood that neither of us know. This was all nearly three years ago, I tried to ask him about it end of last year and he blocked me so maybe something did go on.

I've been doing so well not going over the night over and over but I am still having problems leaving alone the fact that I don't know and that I'm a cheat. I've pretty much admitted to myself that I am and trying to live with that which is proving very difficult to the point where I've been researching suicides a lot more and lurking on suicide forums. I'm at a point where I just can't live with myself and there's nothing I can do about it. All I do is cry.

You started your post with how you feel and then in the second paragraph you reverted to usual bad behavior and went over that night for the hundredth time. You do it over and over again. That right there is a compulsion and it is keeping you stuck.

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4 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I've also realised too that I'm not really anxious anymore when I think about it but it's still confused and don't know anything and question it all. If anxiety drives the questions and doubts then I don't think it's OCD that I have.

I also must add that I was flirting etc on this night out and wanted something to happen because I thought it would stop me caring about my partner being a cheat (he's not, I was wrong but I thought he was for 4 years). I am in no way innocent party here, this is all my fault. I also remember in the past saying to myself that he would forgive me if I cheated etc so I think I must have known? Is it possible to forget?

 

First, compulsions are the fuel that drives the OCD engine, not anxiety. Anxiety is a byproduct of your disjointed thinking and compulsive behavior.

Second, you slipped back into a compulsion in your second paragraph..

 You going over, for the hundreth time, that you were flirty that night. Stop doing that!

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11 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

First, compulsions are the fuel that drives the OCD engine, not anxiety. Anxiety is a byproduct of your disjointed thinking and compulsive behavior.

Second, you slipped back into a compulsion in your second paragraph..

 You going over, for the hundreth time, that you were flirty that night. Stop doing that!

But I've stopped going over the night in my head (or I did) but even though I've done that everything is still there in my head all the time, every waking moment I believe I've done it still and there is nothing to say I haven't and more than enough to suggest something could have.

I don't know what to do. My partner said today he can't take it any more and that I'm not even trying. I really am trying but it's not as easy as just stopping thinking something. He thinks you just stop thinking about it and that's it.

Edited by Headwreck
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46 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Anyway don't non OCD people also do this sort of thing, normal people have worries all of the time.

Sure they have worries all of the time, but they don't obsessively worry over and over again about something that they have very little evidence of it actually happening to the extent that you do, where it is making you ill and is negatively affecting every aspect of your life. You have a major issue with this OCD, Headwreck, and I know I probably sound like a broken record but you need to see your GP and get some proper help for it. I really hope that you do.

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42 minutes ago, Lynz said:

Sure they have worries all of the time, but they don't obsessively worry over and over again about something that they have very little evidence of it actually happening to the extent that you do, where it is making you ill and is negatively affecting every aspect of your life. You have a major issue with this OCD, Headwreck, and I know I probably sound like a broken record but you need to see your GP and get some proper help for it. I really hope that you do.

Lynz I'm scared to go the drs. I didn't want to make it known as I'm scared my posts will be discovered but I guess things can't get much worse now so might as well just say it. The job is with the emergency services and a 'relapse' is not something I can hide or be up front about. Although hardly a relapse as it's never left, I've just existed with it. So where does that leave me? And what if I end up going to the drs and destroying the new job and it turns out it's not OCD? Then I'm well and truly finished as at the moment I'm in a job I hate with nothing going for me whatsoever, this one thing is the only bit of light I've got. I am hard working and honest and I get my head down, I have been signed off sick once for depression about 10 years ago but never for this. I was told I'd be on SSRIs for the rest of my life for depression alone. The new employers, they're going to think I'm a liability if they don't already. Maybe I would be a liability, I'm not sure why they want me, most likely box ticking exercise. But  I can't afford this **** to ruin this.

Edited by Headwreck
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I honestly think you're catastrophising. I'm a student nurse (final year) in the NHS. My current placement is in paediatric emergency services. I've always been upfront and honest about my OCD and Trusts have been very accommodating and supportive. I've even had the ward manager of the Trust I'm in now offer me a job because she wants me to work there. There's absolutely no way employers can discriminate against you based on mental health issues. To my knowledge the only employer that is allowed to do so (i.e. turn you down for a job) is the armed forces.

However I also think you really truly need to be honest with yourself. Can you actually perform in this job the way you need to if you're this mentally unwell at the moment? I think if you carry on the way you are without any help, support, or even just medication you will experience burnout in a few months and then all of your hard work will have been for nothing. I mean you're even talking about suicide for goodness sake. How is this scenario that you're in now more ideal than going to your GP for some help?

It's not about hiding things from employers, it's about being upfront and honest with them so they know how to support you. But having said that, just having one GP visit to talk about your current issues probably won't even make it onto their notes. By all means talk to your GP about your concerns regarding your job too. They will be able to help and advise you on that front as well.

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6 hours ago, Headwreck said:

But I've stopped going over the night in my head (or I did) but even though I've done that everything is still there in my head all the time, every waking moment I believe I've done it still and there is nothing to say I haven't and more than enough to suggest something could have.

I don't know what to do. My partner said today he can't take it any more and that I'm not even trying. I really am trying but it's not as easy as just stopping thinking something. He thinks you just stop thinking about it and that's it.

You keep posting about that night. You do it over and over again. It's a compulsion.

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11 hours ago, Headwreck said:

it feels like I'm just trying to get away with it and forget it. I don't feel like I deserve anything good and always ask myself I wonder what people would do if they knew, they would think I was horrible. 

This is part of the problem, Headwreck. Holding onto ideas of deserved guilt, shame and worrying about how others would judge you is another compulsion. Not being able to let it go comes from the compulsion to have certainty and the desire to feel blame-free.  You will remain stuck in the cycle of wanting answers and struggling to live with the doubt for as long as you keep telling yourself its important to be either not-guilty or to be punished (when actually neither is necessary for you to be happy in your relationship and OCD free.)

You've had lots of advice from the forum, but I think you would now benefit from some one-on-one guidance from a therapist. Read Lynz's last post carefully - it's excellent advice. You've nothing to fear and everything to gain by confiding in your doctor. Keeping it secret is only damaging your health further. 

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Thanks everyone. I know it has taken a while but I've decided that I will go to the doctor. Lynz is right and Dragonfly has also mentioned it numerous times before, everyone is right. I don't know if it's OCD or not but I can't carry on how I am, I just hope I don't pay for it with my new job but that's my luck all over so I don't doubt that I will. Will start steeling myself to the idea of being trapped in the job I'm in now.

I remember the doctor telling me previously that there is a year long wait for therapy. By the time I get a therapist I'll be in the new job (all being well) and I won't be able to factor it into work due to shifts etc. Can I get 'better' (if I have anything to get better from) just with medication alone? I know they'll give me medication as most doctors I've been to it's a case of 'if in doubt throw tablets at her'.

Also should I stop using the forum?

Edited by Headwreck
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I have a doctor's appointment booked for the end of next week. Only get 10 minutes with them so not expecting to come out with much more than tablets. I've tried to look for a therapist privately but they're either no good or far too expensive. Is online therapy an option? I can't imagine just tablets on their own are going to do anything for me? I'm terrified that this isn't OCD and I'm doing this when in actual fact it's all justified. I feel like I remember knowing about doing this. Maybe it's just I was never sure, how could I ever be so sure as I thought I was about a night out where some parts I can't even remember? I guess that's where the problem came from.

Edited by Headwreck
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Well done on booking your appointment, Headwreck! :clap:

Don't worry about the "what-ifs" for now. Worrying about what may happen with your job/therapy in 12 months time is pointless and will only make you feel more anxious. The best thing to do for now is to try and focus on your day to day activities, keeping busy etc. and not casting your mind too far ahead into the future.

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