Massive argument

[Headwreck]

19 minutes ago, Lynz said:

Well done on booking your appointment, Headwreck!

Don't worry about the "what-ifs" for now. Worrying about what may happen with your job/therapy in 12 months time is pointless and will only make you feel more anxious. The best thing to do for now is to try and focus on your day to day activities, keeping busy etc. and not casting your mind too far ahead into the future.

Thanks Lynz, I just hope I'm not making a big mistake. I don't think I'd have a leg to stand on if they revoked the offer due to me disclosing this to the Dr.

Re therapy though, what should I do with that, is online a viable option?

[Lynz]

27 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Thanks Lynz, I just hope I'm not making a big mistake. I don't think I'd have a leg to stand on if they revoked the offer due to me disclosing this to the Dr.

Re therapy though, what should I do with that, is online a viable option?

Again you're catastrophising. They can't do that as that would be illegal so don't worry about that. The most important thing is to get you well again. That should be your main focus and priority right now.

In terms of therapy I would wait and see what your GP says as waiting lists do vary a lot. One time when I went to my GP a few years ago I was told it was around 12 months, then more recently it had been reduced to around 13 weeks.

Even if the waiting list is long though there is still no harm in putting your name down for it and looking for private therapy or alternative therapy e.g. online etc. in the meantime.

[Caramoole]

Well Done Headwreck for making the appointment.  Medication may help, it may not but it alone won't resolve the OCD, changing your response to the doubt will change how you gradually start to feel.

You say that you don't think about things much, it's very clear that you do and that it's with you most of the  time.  Even though there's a long waiting list there's a lot you yourself can do in the meantime.  It's not enough to just try and stop thinking about it and push the thoughts away.  You need to try and identify what you're doing.  Look at the thoughts that scare you.  Try and identify the things you do after that in order to resolve it.  You go over it in your head, you try and talk to your partner about it, you constantly berate yourself, you catastrophise and worry about things.  These are just some of the few things that are evident in this short thread.

Have you read Break Free from OCD and if so, have you formally tried the suggested exercises?  You could also self-refer to an IAPT provider (Google for your area)  Explain that you'd like to be seen by someone with good knowledge of OCD as you feel your problems are very disruptive to your health (they do have 3 levels of therapy and it's likely that referral at the lowest level may not provide you with a therapist with enough experience).  IAPT initially do a telephone assessment, usually within a week with an appointment offered (generally) in 4-6 weeks.  It may be a start whilst you wait for a GP referral to other services

[dksea]

6 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I can't imagine just tablets on their own are going to do anything for me?

Medication can be a big help when it comes to OCD.  I was scared of medication when I was first diagnosed with OCD as a teenager, but I trusted my parents (and doctors) advice and taking it has had a very positive impact for me.  It can take some time to find the right pill and right dose, and for the medication to kick in fully, so try to be patient and don't give up just because its not working right away. 

Now, while I am definitely greatful for the help that medication has given me in my battle with OCD, I can not recommend highly enough that you also do as much as you can to work with a good therapist as well.  The techniques and approaches that come from CBT are invaluable and can be the difference between a slight bump in the road or a full on OCD relapse.  Even with the medication I know that I am much better equipped to deal with the OCD thanks to CBT than without it.

I'm so glad to hear you are following up with your doctor on this, and I hope you can look back on it someday as an important step on your road to improvement!

 

[Avo]

Well done on contacting your doctor headwreck, great advice from Lynz there. You need to be in a position where you can start to make your life better, just existing and suffering is no way to live. The good news is you can get better - it takes a lot of hard work but you can do it.

medication can help to a point (everyones experience is of course individual to them),  for me they can take the edge off anxiety and left me in a slightly more balanced frame of mind to enter therapy. CBT is the main thing - get yourself on the list.

Working for the emergency services sounds very rewarding , you have several months to work at getting to be in a better place so when you start the job you can enjoy it and thrive.

[Headwreck]

50 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

You go over it in your head, you try and talk to your partner about it, you constantly berate yourself, you catastrophise and worry about things.  These are just some of the few things that are evident in this short thread.

Thanks Caramoole, so would these things above be compulsions? I berate myself constantly yes but I didn't think that could be classed as a compulsion? I've taken SSRIs in the past but they made me very flat. I'll try them again anyway.

I have also read Break Free... but I felt it didn't relate to me at all, none of it felt like it was me so that's why I struggle to believe it's OCD. Nothing seems to be scaring me anymore about the thoughts either which is why when I see hierarchy exercises etc they feel lost on me.

52 minutes ago, dksea said:

Medication can be a big help when it comes to OCD.  I was scared of medication when I was first diagnosed with OCD as a teenager, but I trusted my parents (and doctors) advice and taking it has had a very positive impact for me.  It can take some time to find the right pill and right dose, and for the medication to kick in fully, so try to be patient and don't give up just because its not working right away. 

Now, while I am definitely greatful for the help that medication has given me in my battle with OCD, I can not recommend highly enough that you also do as much as you can to work with a good therapist as well.  The techniques and approaches that come from CBT are invaluable and can be the difference between a slight bump in the road or a full on OCD relapse.  Even with the medication I know that I am much better equipped to deal with the OCD thanks to CBT than without it.

I'm so glad to hear you are following up with your doctor on this, and I hope you can look back on it someday as an important step on your road to improvement!

 

Thanks for the reply. Unfortunately my parents didn't pursue treatment for me when I was younger so that's probably why I am how I am.

I've had SSRI in the past but they made me ill and quite numb emotionally but I'll try them again.

2 hours ago, Lynz said:

Again you're catastrophising. They can't do that as that would be illegal so don't worry about that. The most important thing is to get you well again. That should be your main focus and priority right now.

In terms of therapy I would wait and see what your GP says as waiting lists do vary a lot. One time when I went to my GP a few years ago I was told it was around 12 months, then more recently it had been reduced to around 13 weeks.

Even if the waiting list is long though there is still no harm in putting your name down for it and looking for private therapy or alternative therapy e.g. online etc. in the meantime.

Thanks again Lynz, yeah I'll ask them to put me on the list anyway. My Dr is aware of what I'm like and last time I saw him he was quite abrupt as he says I need to stick things out or I'll continue to suffer. No doubt I'll get the same again this time around.

46 minutes ago, Avo said:

Working for the emergency services sounds very rewarding , you have several months to work at getting to be in a better place so when you start the job you can enjoy it and thrive

Thanks Avo. I hope that this is possible. I can only guess that if I don't improve then I'm dealing with something else that isn't OCD. Can only wait and see how it goes.

[PolarBear]

9 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I have a doctor's appointment booked for the end of next week. Only get 10 minutes with them so not expecting to come out with much more than tablets. I've tried to look for a therapist privately but they're either no good or far too expensive. Is online therapy an option? I can't imagine just tablets on their own are going to do anything for me? I'm terrified that this isn't OCD and I'm doing this when in actual fact it's all justified. I feel like I remember knowing about doing this. Maybe it's just I was never sure, how could I ever be so sure as I thought I was about a night out where some parts I can't even remember? I guess that's where the problem came from.

Even if you did cheat that night, none of what you've put yourself through is justified. None of it.

[dksea]

15 hours ago, Headwreck said:

Thanks for the reply. Unfortunately my parents didn't pursue treatment for me when I was younger so that's probably why I am how I am.

I've had SSRI in the past but they made me ill and quite numb emotionally but I'll try them again.

I am very grateful for my families support and I let them know it often because I know not everyone is so lucky and that really breaks my heart

Sorry to hear about the bad experiences you've had in the past on SSRI's, hopefully this time they will try a different one and things will be better.  Each one can affect us differently.  I've had the best luck so far with escitalopram, though citalopram and fluoxetine were both helpful before that.  Not sure whats most common in the UK, but regardless best of luck!

[Headwreck]

Can I ask something, I know I'm not supposed to ruminate etc. So basically does this mean that I should not be ruminating about anything cheating related? Just like someone with contamination worries should not ruminate about anything contamination related, as that is their 'thing'? I find I'm not ruminating about the events of the night but instead ruminating about what it means to be a cheat, if I feel I am a cheat or not, I am now tarnished with the brand of 'cheat' forever, relationship is now tarnished and not right, do know if I am, did I know I was, what other things have I done, why did I not think I was guilty, maybe I always was, why do I think this is OCD when it isn't etc. Is this just the same as thinking about the night over and over? Do normal people do this? Basically, am I supposed to just not think about cheating at all?

Edited September 16, 2018 by Headwreck

[Lynz]

Ruminating over cheating in general is still related to your obsession and would still be a compulsion. I guarantee "normal" people wouldn't ruminate to the extent that you do over this, if at all.

[snowbear]

4 hours ago, Headwreck said:

 Is this just the same as thinking about the night over and over?  

Exactly the same, yes. You haven't stopped ruminating at all, you've just slightly shifted the focus. All the things you listed are part of the same obsession. 

It's not just a case of stopping thinking about anything related to cheating.  You need to do that of course, but you also need to change what it means to you/ for you. A therapist can help you understand the meaning you've given to your obsession, how this keeps you stuck, and how there are other meanings you could apply that will be just as valid but set you free from the OCD thinking. 

 

[Headwreck]

I have been thinking, even if I go to the doctor and therapy, how can I live with myself having probably done this, even if I'm not obsessing over it?

[Dragonfly]

Hi Headwreck, 

Well done booking an appointment! 

From my personal experience the first steps are the hardest; seeing a doctor and or new therapist, giving the medication if prescribed time, and getting used to changing your way of thinking using CBT! After all at the moment your ‘normal’ is ruminating constantly, and as a result nothing making sense. 

Can you do possibly try to do your best to press pause the best you can on any thoughts/doubts etc you have at the moment, until you see your doctor? It’s natural that your going to go through normal worries, doubts and OCD worries beforehand. 

What Avo says above I really agree with - 

On 13/09/2018 at 14:47, Avo said:

You need to be in a position where you can start to make your life better, just existing and suffering is no way to live. The good news is you can get better - it takes a lot of hard work but you can do it.

 medication can help to a point (everyones experience is of course individual to them),  for me they can take the edge off anxiety and left me in a slightly more balanced frame of mind to enter therapy. CBT is the main thing - get yourself on the list.

If you can get the anxiety under control you can then hopefully tackle the OCD easier. 

Get yourself on a waiting list for CBT too when you see the doctor, and in the mean time try going through some self help books. Break Free from OCD is great, and another I found very good is The Mindfulness Work Book for OCD. 

Well done and good luck! X

 

[Headwreck]

30 minutes ago, Dragonfly said:

Hi Headwreck, 

Well done booking an appointment! 

From my personal experience the first steps are the hardest; seeing a doctor and or new therapist, giving the medication if prescribed time, and getting used to changing your way of thinking using CBT! After all at the moment your ‘normal’ is ruminating constantly, and as a result nothing making sense. 

Can you do possibly try to do your best to press pause the best you can on any thoughts/doubts etc you have at the moment, until you see your doctor? It’s natural that your going to go through normal worries, doubts and OCD worries beforehand. 

What Avo says above I really agree with - 

If you can get the anxiety under control you can then hopefully tackle the OCD easier. 

Get yourself on a waiting list for CBT too when you see the doctor, and in the mean time try going through some self help books. Break Free from OCD is great, and another I found very good is The Mindfulness Work Book for OCD. 

Well done and good luck! X

 

Thanks Dragonfly. I know you said it a while ago but I genuinely don't feel like I can cope anymore and my life just doesn't feel worth living.

I can't help but feel that my worry is very much legitimate and a worry someone without OCD would have. I know most OCD worries are unreasonable and the likelihood of them being true is minimal but I know that mine is not like that at all. I don't want to waste anyone's time, including the Dr.

[Sparklesmango]

6 hours ago, Headwreck said:

Thanks Dragonfly. I know you said it a while ago but I genuinely don't feel like I can cope anymore and my life just doesn't feel worth living.

I can't help but feel that my worry is very much legitimate and a worry someone without OCD would have. I know most OCD worries are unreasonable and the likelihood of them being true is minimal but I know that mine is not like that at all. I don't want to waste anyone's time, including the Dr.

I'm preaching to myself here but isn't that pretty much the essence of ocd it latches onto uncertainties wether they are "reasonable" or not ur brain will always find a reason. I would imagine someone with out ocd may worry but would probably reconcile the fact that as best they know they did not cheat. It's the quest for definitive non existent certainty that we struggle with, that others don't. I'm fairly certain if I thought hard enough without anxiety I couldn't retrace steps back, memory is a very difficult thing at the best of times its very unreliable, you see it all the times in films characters say did we? To which often is a reply, I don't remember much but I'm fairly certain that didn't happen to which oft the character will say thank god, I mean the character being obsessed for the rest of the movie would be a crappy narrative but it is a reflection of the general reaction would be without ocd. Try to move on, to your knowledge you didn't cheat that's all one can rely on.

[Lynz]

7 hours ago, Headwreck said:

Thanks Dragonfly. I know you said it a while ago but I genuinely don't feel like I can cope anymore and my life just doesn't feel worth living.

I can't help but feel that my worry is very much legitimate and a worry someone without OCD would have. I know most OCD worries are unreasonable and the likelihood of them being true is minimal but I know that mine is not like that at all. I don't want to waste anyone's time, including the Dr.

This post and your previous one before that was again the result of you ruminating. You really need to try and nip that in the bud. Whenever you catch yourself ruminating in any way on anything to do with your obsession don't engage with it any further, and try to refocus your attention on to whatever you were previously doing before you started ruminating.

[Headwreck]

1 hour ago, Sparklesmango said:

I'm preaching to myself here but isn't that pretty much the essence of ocd it latches onto uncertainties wether they are "reasonable" or not ur brain will always find a reason. I would imagine someone with out ocd may worry but would probably reconcile the fact that as best they know they did not cheat. It's the quest for definitive non existent certainty that we struggle with, that others don't. I'm fairly certain if I thought hard enough without anxiety I couldn't retrace steps back, memory is a very difficult thing at the best of times its very unreliable, you see it all the times in films characters say did we? To which often is a reply, I don't remember much but I'm fairly certain that didn't happen to which oft the character will say thank god, I mean the character being obsessed for the rest of the movie would be a crappy narrative but it is a reflection of the general reaction would be without ocd. Try to move on, to your knowledge you didn't cheat that's all one can rely on.

I never used to think I had, I didn't even think about this really and I'm not sure why. I am becoming sick to death of it but just cannot let it go.

[PolarBear]

10 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I have been thinking, even if I go to the doctor and therapy, how can I live with myself having probably done this, even if I'm not obsessing over it?

You may think you've probably kissed another man, but you have no evidence you did. And you never will. As is the case always with this theme, you choose to believe you could and then you punish yourself daily, just in case. You could choose differently.

Kissing another man is not the end of the world. There are far worse things you could do. Many other people have done that and gone on to lead peaceful lives. You don't because you have a mental disorder. Not because you did something so bad but simply because you have a mental disorder.

[PolarBear]

8 hours ago, Headwreck said:

Thanks Dragonfly. I know you said it a while ago but I genuinely don't feel like I can cope anymore and my life just doesn't feel worth living.

I can't help but feel that my worry is very much legitimate and a worry someone without OCD would have. I know most OCD worries are unreasonable and the likelihood of them being true is minimal but I know that mine is not like that at all. I don't want to waste anyone's time, including the Dr.

People without your theme of OCD would NOT constantly ruminate and punish themselves for kissing another man while slobbering drunk.

Please do not try and make yourself out to be just like everyone else. You are not. You have a mental disorder.

[Sparklesmango]

48 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

I never used to think I had, I didn't even think about this really and I'm not sure why. I am becoming sick to death of it but just cannot let it go.

I know that feeling but Maybe you need to try maybe you need to let go and surrender,  if you can learn to practise an acceptance of what is going In your head I'm sure over time it will rescind u don't have to accept something is true, sometimes we are forced to accept as we have explored every other option and it can be at this point when we are exhausted and can't fight anymore that people start making real progress. You need to be kind to yourself, you need to understand what you want is not possible (ultimate certainty) and that's okay that's not your fault. But u make the best of this, you have to try and think to some degree this was faited the spike, u have to accept things out of ur control. 

Ur story is similar to one my therapist told me when I was having therapy, she spoke of a woman who was convinced she had raped a man while he was asleep, years later she rang the man and asked him his response was I know you didn't do this. I would have known, etc. now this had no impact what so ever on her, and she still believes she did. 

 

You you have to let go of things in life to have a healthy life unfortunately, the irony is that you feel this thing has damaged your relationship or u can't acceept it to ur self but in turn the lack of acceptance is probably putting more strain than if u actually cheated so this is about being string enough to not obsess now for yourself and your partner and your future, forget about what happened or didn't happen I'd try to fixate and focus on your mind that is irrelevant now the question you should be asking yourself is am I trying not to obsess and that can be a source of your hardness on yourself if you make that your focus I'm sure things will start to get better for you 

[Headwreck]

3 hours ago, Lynz said:

This post and your previous one before that was again the result of you ruminating. You really need to try and nip that in the bud. Whenever you catch yourself ruminating in any way on anything to do with your obsession don't engage with it any further, and try to refocus your attention on to whatever you were previously doing before you started ruminating.

It's just that even when I'm not ruminating, I'm thinking about it, if that makes sense. It's hard to refocus when nothing takes you away from it.

[Headwreck]

1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

People without your theme of OCD would NOT constantly ruminate and punish themselves for kissing another man while slobbering drunk.

Please do not try and make yourself out to be just like everyone else. You are not. You have a mental disorder.

Well I have OCD to a point checking wise although that's died down but I don't think this is OCD. Even the last 'obsession' is quite a common thing for non OCD people to obsess about. I'm hoping the tablets I'm expecting my Dr will give me will help as I am massively depressed and it's making everything worse tenfold.

[Headwreck]

56 minutes ago, Sparklesmango said:

I know that feeling but Maybe you need to try maybe you need to let go and surrender,  if you can learn to practise an acceptance of what is going In your head I'm sure over time it will rescind u don't have to accept something is true, sometimes we are forced to accept as we have explored every other option and it can be at this point when we are exhausted and can't fight anymore that people start making real progress. You need to be kind to yourself, you need to understand what you want is not possible (ultimate certainty) and that's okay that's not your fault. But u make the best of this, you have to try and think to some degree this was faited the spike, u have to accept things out of ur control. 

Ur story is similar to one my therapist told me when I was having therapy, she spoke of a woman who was convinced she had raped a man while he was asleep, years later she rang the man and asked him his response was I know you didn't do this. I would have known, etc. now this had no impact what so ever on her, and she still believes she did. 

 

You you have to let go of things in life to have a healthy life unfortunately, the irony is that you feel this thing has damaged your relationship or u can't acceept it to ur self but in turn the lack of acceptance is probably putting more strain than if u actually cheated so this is about being string enough to not obsess now for yourself and your partner and your future, forget about what happened or didn't happen I'd try to fixate and focus on your mind that is irrelevant now the question you should be asking yourself is am I trying not to obsess and that can be a source of your hardness on yourself if you make that your focus I'm sure things will start to get better for you 

Thanks Sparkles, i just don't feel like I have many options left and the only way this would be resolved is to split with my partner. Even that would destroy my life as I have nowhere to go and nobody to turn to, also would leave him in the lurch big style. I do think it'd be better off alone in life for good and my partner would definitely be better off eventually. So I'm trapped no matter what I decide unless I'm lucky enough to go to sleep one night and stay asleep for good. Anyway thanks for your support I really do try to take things on board but nothing seems to sink into my thick skull.

Edited September 17, 2018 by Headwreck

[PolarBear]

Geez, Louise  Headwreck. You need to get real with yourself and what's going on. Like really get real. You must think all of us to be twits that we keep telling you that you have OCD and that THIS is OCD. I guess we're all morons. 

Nevermind the fact that we've dealt with hundreds, if not thousands of people with OCD. Nevermind the fact that we have OCD ourselves. Nevermind the fact that you have been disgnosed with OCD. Nevermind that you have all the symptoms of OCD. Nevermind that your behavior this past year is NOT typical for someone else in the same boat. And on and on.

Nope. You've got it all figured out and that begs the question, what are you doing on an OCD forum, trying to convince us this is not OCD?

 

[Headwreck]

9 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Geez, Louise  Headwreck. You need to get real with yourself and what's going on. Like really get real. You must think all of us to be twits that we keep telling you that you have OCD and that THIS is OCD. I guess we're all morons. 

Nevermind the fact that we've dealt with hundreds, if not thousands of people with OCD. Nevermind the fact that we have OCD ourselves. Nevermind the fact that you have been disgnosed with OCD. Nevermind that you have all the symptoms of OCD. Nevermind that your behavior this past year is NOT typical for someone else in the same boat. And on and on.

Nope. You've got it all figured out and that begs the question, what are you doing on an OCD forum, trying to convince us this is not OCD?

 

I don't think you are all morons, far from it, I just think I've manufactured this so it sounds like something it's not. Maybe read so much about it all that it's turned into a self fulfilling prophecy so to speak. Sick and tired of it anyway and desperately sick of thinking about this, feels like the longest night out in history but it just won't stop. I predict if the last worry is anything to go by I'll still be thinking about this for the next 3 years, I simply cannot face that.

 

Edited September 17, 2018 by Headwreck