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It’s been a while, slight relapse :\


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So it’s been a while since I was last on here if I’m honest. I’d been putting techniques into place that worked well, I was getting on with life and enjoying spending time with my little girl without overthinking and I shrugged off any doubts. That was until a couple of days ago, it’s as if I’ve had a relapse come out of no where. I’ve tried putting all the right techniques into place to deal with the problem but nothing seems to be working,added to the fact I have absolutely no one to talk to about this, so it’s just eating up inside of me.

My little girl sometimes comes into my bed when she’s restless in the middle of the night. I was put off from doing this for ages as I was scared I was going to do something, but I didn’t let that thought get in the way and slowly I stopped thinking about If I was going to hurt her in my sleep. That was until a couple of days ago, now she does fidget a lot and at some points she’s literally laying on my face over my pillow but I woke up 2 days ago and noticed my whole hand was touching right where her bottom and private parts were, I remember waking up and jumping out of my skin whilst moving my hand away. I’ve tried to let this one slide but it just won’t go, I’ve got this awful panic that I’ve done something to her now whilst she’s been sleeping and I just can’t get the worry or thought out of my head, no matter what technique I try. It has now got to the stage again where I’m no longer wanting her in my room or near me again as I’m scared I’ll do something in my sleep.

Im just upset and disappointed as I was doing so well and I was finally enjoying being a mother but now it’s gone back to this again. I know I’ve been extremely stressed financially and with my little girls behaviour recently which hasn’t helped to feeling really run down and useless but now with this happening it’s another thing to add to the stressful situation. 

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Figure out what your compulsions are and work very hard to stop them. The reason you are back in this position is because you once again freaked out over nothing and you did compulsions. Plain and simple.

You should not have jerked your hand away. You should not keep her out of your room. Doing so is letting OCD win.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 13/09/2018 at 03:25, PolarBear said:

Figure out what your compulsions are and work very hard to stop them. The reason you are back in this position is because you once again freaked out over nothing and you did compulsions. Plain and simple.

You should not have jerked your hand away. You should not keep her out of your room. Doing so is letting OCD win.

Yes definitely, I think my main compulsions are avoiding the situation and constantly thinking about it, over analysing the what ifs. I worry more though because if I ever did do something, I could never forgive myself and because I would never know if I did something in my sleep if that makes sense? :/ 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 27/09/2018 at 09:06, cookiemonster said:

Ocd is taking over. Regain control. Don’t do the compulsions and definitely don’t let ocd upset your relationship with your daughter

I know it’s been so tough right now. My head has been all over the place, my depression has come spiralling out of control and this thought Has come back worse than ever! I’m taking control of any compulsions or thoughts during the day and slowly getting back on track with them but the thoughts about me abusing her in my sleep just won’t go and I cannot stop panicking. It’s been made worse as my sister was saying about her husband keeps doing things in his sleep to my sister like accidently grabbing her arm and shaking her, shouting at her but thinking it’s someone else etc and now I’m just even move panicked that i May hurt my little girl in my sleep, cause I’ve no idea if I have ever sleep walked etc. I’m just in such a bad state it’s unreal. 

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Sorry to hear this is so bad, I had a similar topic many years ago and did many compulsions.  Let it go, do what the others are saying, the rest is noise.  Don't give up, you CAN do it :yes:.

 

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On 08/10/2018 at 16:15, OB1 said:

Sorry to hear this is so bad, I had a similar topic many years ago and did many compulsions.  Let it go, do what the others are saying, the rest is noise.  Don't give up, you CAN do it :yes:.

 

Thank you for the kind words, today had been hit and miss. Managed to let a few thoughts just float around, others I did end up battling with. I’m still dreading bedtime and hate the thought of her coming into my bed, it hadn’t helped that this morning the covers were off of her, so my mind flipped and just jumped straight to the thought that I had done that as I’d abused her. 

Im stuck in the middle of trying to ignore any attention to the thought but also on the other hand worrying because it’s something I wouldn’t know I was doing if I was doing it in my sleep.

i candela with the thoughts when awake as I know what I’m doing, so I don’t have any doubts there, but I’ve no idea what I’m doing, for all I know I could of hurt her in my sleep without me even knowing, it also worries me more as she can’t even tell me, where as if I had done it to a partner I’d know if I’d done it as they’d say something, does that bit make sense? 

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6 hours ago, muddledmother said:

worrying because it’s something I wouldn’t know I was doing if I was doing it in my sleep.

This is still just OCD, you need to work on letting this worry go too.

 

6 hours ago, muddledmother said:

I know I could of hurt her in my sleep without me even knowing, it also worries me more as she can’t even tell me, where as if I had done it to a partner I’d know if I’d done it as they’d say something, does that bit make sense? 

Still OCD, its all "what if..."  You can go down those rabbit holes endlessly.  You'll never be able to have 100% certainty about this, nor do you actually need to, its all OCD lying to you that makes you think you do.  You have to trust that you aren't some terrible monster and that if hundreds of millions of other parents can sleep without doing terrible things to their children you can too.

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It all makes perfect sense to me.  Its OCD.  I don't have kids but my fears revolved around hurting anyone in my sleep and that included other peoples kids if I stayed over at a friends or relatives or even went flippin camping!  Its OCD and it plays on our worst fears.  As DKSEA says OCD is lying to you, that's what it does :bash:

Watch out for compulsions on this.  I used to do the following:

  1. Think it through (24/7).
  2. Try to remember something (visual mental checking).
  3. Look for signs I've done something horrible to the person.
  4. Avoid staying with people.
  5. If I did stay with people I put things in the way of my door and then checked for signs in the morning if anything had moved. 

My god it's absolutely tormenting! 

You will never get the answer you are looking for, all you will get is more uncertainty guaranteed.  This all happened to me before a diagnosis of OCD and if I'd known what I know now I would practice at dropping all of those behaviours and carry on normally. 

It's really really hard but you can do it and you will have a life :yes:

 

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Thank you both, for the kind words and support I really do appreciate it. Today has been a bit of a meh day. Part of me is doing well in trying not to give any attention to the thought, the other part has been doing silly compulsions which has made me cross at myself for.

 

I’m finding myself giving a meaning to every little thing. This evening I was just cuddling my daughter whilst she was settling for bed and my arm was just resting on her leg, she pulled a funny face and moved my hand so it was cuddling her around her waist and now all I can think is, she has moved my hand because I’ve touched her in my sleep and now she’s wary! It’s probably complete rubbish and my ocd trying to trick me, but there is still that part of me that really believes that maybe I have touched her in my sleep. I hate the thought of not knowing what I’m doing when asleep and I’ve even contemplated getting a camera just to make sure I haven’t done anything.

My other intrusive thoughts, although still all awful, I found easier as they were ones that dealt with issues whilst awake so I always knew well I’ve not done that or I’ve not done this, whereas trying to figure out if I’ve maybe done something whilst asleep is the hardest battle to deal with ever.

I really hate how much I’m not enjoying motherhood because I’m constantly scared that I could be harming my child and always worrying when I’m around her. I just wish I could enjoy it more like other new mums. 

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20 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Do not buy that camera. Huge compulsion.

Okay I won’t buy it, I think I just need some serious reassurance even though I know it’s bad. I’ve had a really bad day today, I’ve had the horrible urges to act on the intrusive thought on abusing my daughter and it’s felt so awful all day, I freaked out putting her cream on whilst changing her nappy and it’s pushed me right over the edge. I feel sick and it honestly felt like I was going to actually do the compulsion and touch her inappropriately. I feel so angry and upset with myself as i was doing fine and now this awful time in my life has come along it’s knocked me all the way back down. I literally wish I was dead now because my daughter would be a lot safer without me around.

 

im constantly battling with my head and I’ve always got the thoughts of what if I am a paedophile and the horrible thought that I just haven’t done anything because I don’t want to get caught, then I’ll get another thought of well you can do it because no one would ever know and I literally feel sick. I’m so run down, I’m a rubbish mum and I feel so angry and always think why me, what did I do to deserve being punished this way. I’m sorry that I’ve really ranted just then, i just feel like I’ve totally lost control of my life and I’m a danger around my daughter, I’m petrified I’m going to end up carry out a compulsion because I’m not in the right frame of mind and I don’t feel strong. 

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You are doing compulsions. You continually do them. You put yourself down. You ruminate endlessly about the thoughts. You second guess everything uou fo around your child. These are compulsions and they are feeding the OCD machine. They are keeping you stuck, snxious and foubtful. And they are making the thoughts come more and more.

Your thoughts and actions are creating this mess. 

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1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

You are doing compulsions. You continually do them. You put yourself down. You ruminate endlessly about the thoughts. You second guess everything uou fo around your child. These are compulsions and they are feeding the OCD machine. They are keeping you stuck, snxious and foubtful. And they are making the thoughts come more and more.

Your thoughts and actions are creating this mess. 

I hoesntly am struggling at how to stop doing them, I feel like a have zero will power at the minute. I’m so run down with a family situation and caring for my daughter on my own that I genuinely have lost all hope in myself. 

Even when I try to distract myself they come back even more and I panic the most not at the intrusive thoughts but at the urges to do the compulsions because the compulsions that are hanging around on my head are quite frankly awful and the urge to do them is disturbing.

i do realise I put myself down, it’s a habit from being put down for years by others and not being good enough. It’s another battle I have with myself is that I see no positives in myself so I am the first to put myself down and say horrid things about myself. 

I think I second guess out of sheer panic of the unknown of what if I do a dangerous compulsion and I’m just rubbish at telling myself to get a grip. The annoying thing is I can see where I’m going wrong and where I’m hitting a brick wall it for some reason I can’t seem to dig myself out of this hole and I’m so angry that I’ve gone from doing not too bad to now back to square one of feeling like rubbish.

i did ask for some more therapy sessions as my last ones were in April but I was told it might not be possible as I’ve already had 20 sessions over the course of the year.

i think I’m just majorly struggling at being a mum and it’s then spiralling me down into feeling so low and then it’s triggered off all of the intrusive thoughts :/

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On 15/10/2018 at 15:10, PolarBear said:

Real life stress always makes OCD worse. It may sound like the last thing you should do, but you need to take care of yoursrlf. Relax  plenty of sleep, be with others.

Thank you PolarBear for helping I really do appreciate it. I’m finding it difficult because as soon as I tackle one thought another pops up and it just feels like a constant battle. 

I am struggling more with resisting the urge to do a compulsion which is frustrating as they are such dangerous compulsions, that’s the one area I have really struggled to tackle over the years with this and it always feels like I’m going to do them as well which then rises up more panic. 

I just don’t seem to know how to ignore the compulsions and it’s as if my mind is saying just do them and the thought will go. I’m never wanting to do the compulsion out of getting enjoyment it’s out of trying to get it to calm down in my head if that makes sense? 

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13 hours ago, PolarBear said:

OCD sufferers do compulsions to either reduce the distress caused by obsessions and/or to stop something bad from happening.

What would you say is the best way to distract from doing the compulsions?

ive noticed since my depression has come back and I’ve been ill that the thoughts have really been hanging around and I’ve noticed how bad I’ve been dealing with not reacting to thoughts. 

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