Coming to terms with OCD?

[Dorden]

Hello everyone,

Recently I have been trying to come to terms with the possibility that I have OCD, I have to say that I have never been diagnosed with it although much to my girlfriend's irritation this is probably because I have been very reluctant to discuss anything to do with it with a therapist or doctor (incase they told me that I have OCD, somewhat ironic I think). It's really in the last few months that I have started to properly acknowledge that I might have an issue with it, but the possibility stresses me out significantly.

I have seen a mixture of psychologists, counsellors and therapists for the last 5 or so years to deal with various other issues, which seemed a lot more pressing at the time hence my reluctance to mention the intrusive thoughts but as the problems caused by the PTSD/Depression subsided and I started to do quite well I guess the thoughts and anxiety that comes with them has been more noticeable.

I would really appreciate it if any of you who are more familiar with the condition could give me your thoughts on what I describe below (I shall try to keep it brief!).

Intrusive thoughts
When I was probably about 13-14 (Now 24) I used to have severe recurring thoughts of inflicting horrendous violence on people around me, I used to scan the environment I was in for potential weapons/objects and then be constantly thinking about what damage could be done to those nearby. Family and strangers were the primary focus, but never friends strangely. I figured this may have been due to the PTSD at the time, but now I am not so sure as thinking about it this may have occurred before the event that sparked it.

Over time this has faded and I no longer have violent intrusive thoughts, however it seems to have shifted focus twice in the last 10 years.

The first was during my GCSE exams, I became rather obsessed with perfectionism in exam results and anything less than 100% would make me very anxious, angry and depressed. Now I managed to get 16 separate A*-Bs during my final year of school which I later learned was ridiculous to attempt. This continued into university where I was enraged at an 82% on a paper, but the psychologist I was seeing asked me to consider at what point I would be okay with a grade less than 100. We counted down to about 95 before it sank in that it was okay to score less than 100. Seems stupid in hindsight but that's how it was.

The second is more recently I find myself getting quite anxious about several things to do with my girlfriend; We are in an LDR, she lives in the USA and I in the UK so there are naturally some difficulties to navigate but the particular things that keep coming to mind are loosely this - I get very stressed if she doesn't mirror 'I Love You' at the end of a phonecall, I don't know why because she does! and even if she said it not a sentence before it still gets into my head. I find myself near constantly checking my phone for replies on whatsapp, generally several times in a row. Swipe, Unlock, Glance, Lock. Repeat. There are other examples but I don't want to overburden this already lengthy post.

General obsessions?
I find myself checking that windows and doors are locked before I leave the house fairly often, usually once is fine sometimes twice. It's not particularly bad but the other day my grandmother mentioned windows as we were leaving for the supermarket and I had to go upstairs to check again (I had already done a lock-check for the upstairs and she was asking if I had done it).

I'll wash my hands every 30s or so when cooking, I go through endless reams of kitchen roll drying them because I dislike using tea-towels. I am a little germophobic in general, but its odd as I work in a carehome where all manner of unpleasant creations are a daily occurrence to clean up and I don't get anxious when dealing with the mess. I do get the feeling that under my nails aren't clean a lot though, and I find myself washing my hands a few minutes apart after the thought keeps building.

I've also had trouble with dermatillomania/phagia for as long as I can think, I bit my nails from the day I had teeth and I moved to biting my fingers/scabs after a concerted effort from my parents to stop me biting my nails. I also tend to pull out hair quite a lot from my face and body, but not so much if it feels like it is meant to be there (like my scalp).

and last but not least, the reason I am making this thread is because today has been a particular kind of day...
Not all the time, but somedays it feels like I wake up with an 'ocd brain' switched on and I am generally lost in thought and distraction all day with a constant feeling of anxiety in my stomach/chest. Very rarely get it to go away without either seeing my therapist or girlfriend, both of them help me to settle back into the present very well.

 

So, apologies for this really long post and thank you if you managed to read all of it.
I guess I'm wondering if I really should seek out a specialist about it, it has always seemed to me like this was all so mild that I shouldn't waste a doctor's time with it but uh, putting it on paper makes it seem rather real.

[Lynz]

Hi Dorden and welcome to the forum. 

Obviously none of us on here are in a position to properly diagnose you, but from what you have written you definitely have a lot of what I would call "textbook OCD", e.g. obsessions to do with harm, the compulsions surrounding handwashing when cooking etc., and the anxiety that comes with all of that.

It's up to you whether you see a doctor or therapist about it. I guess it depends on how much you feel it is affecting your everyday life. However I would assume it's affecting you quite badly for you to post on here and also because you say your girlfriend is frustrated with your reluctance to seek further help (our loved ones are often better judges of our mental state than us sometimes, and if your girlfriend thinks that you have a problem with it then I would take it as a given that you do).

I will say though that you have nothing to fear about going to a GP to get some help. OCD is very treatable with the right therapy (CBT with exposure and response prevention (ERP) by a therapist who specialises in OCD), and I promise you that life is so much better once you start on the journey to recovery .

[Lynz]

Also, if your OCD is truly as mild as you say it is, then I would argue that it is far better to get help for it now before it gets worse. Most of us here probably avoided getting help for many years until we were quite severe, and it is harder to recover (not impossible, just requires more work) from a place of severe OCD than it is if it's milder, so please don't feel that you have to be a really bad case in order to seek help.

[Dorden]

Hello Lynz

Thank you, it's reassuring to get another view on things. I think it is starting to affect me a bit more than usual lately, normally it hasn't impacted upon my mood but I have been a little bit down lately because of it. Mostly the prospect of living with more of these anxious days gets to me, as it wasn't that long ago (couple of years perhaps) that I used to avoid going outside and talking to strangers entirely.

I'm a little anxious about going to the GPs though, I moved areas a year ago so my old GP that I just about trusted is no longer viable and I haven't even met my current one that I registered with (been perfectly healthy physically for a while). It just seems a bit absurd for me to walk into the office of a GP I've never met and start trying to explain all the things in the OP. Although that might just be me trying to avoid seeing to the problem more.

[ChrisB]

If you're not sure about the GP route, you could look into self referral over the phone. Either way is good though. They're trained professionals, they'll know what to advise.

[Dorden]

Hi Chris, what is the self-referral option? I've not heard of this before.

Thanks

[ChrisB]

https://www.ocduk.org/iapt-database/

https://beta.nhs.uk/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/

Presumably through one of these links, you can find what's available locally. Or alternatively, you can go to your GP and just ask about self referral and they'll give you the details.

[Dorden]

Thank you Chris that's a great help.

[dksea]

On 16/09/2018 at 05:52, Dorden said:

It just seems a bit absurd for me to walk into the office of a GP I've never met and start trying to explain all the things in the OP. Although that might just be me trying to avoid seeing to the problem more.

Ask yourself this:  If you were having problems with your car, would you consider it absurd to walk in to the mechanics and tell them about it to try and get it fixed?  If you were having problems with your computer, would you consider it absurd to walk in to the local IT shop and ask them for help?  I doubt it, because thats normal   

The good news is, so is talking to your doctor about your mental health problems!  Doctors are there to help us get better, its their whole job.  While its often related to physical illness or injury, mental health is part of that too.  Maybe your GP won't have the detailed knowledge, but thats what specialists are for and the GP is a good place to start.

Admittedly it can seem scary and intimidating to confront a problem like this.  I think a lot of people are reluctant to talk about health problems for a variety of reasons.  I've had my doubts in the past whether it would be a good idea or helpful to talk to my doctors about some of the problems I was experiencing but every time it turned out to be the right choice and far from being shocked or judgmental about what I told them they were helpful and compassionate.  Granted some doctors are better than others, but overall I think you'll find that these people want to help you.  Getting a professional diagnosis is an important step on the road to recovery, I highly encourage you to pursue that.