My OCD Story

[81bring]

I’m writing this to provide others some assurance that they aren’t alone when suffering from OCD.  I suffer in multiple ways...

it started back in 2016 when adding my partner to my mortgage.  Whilst working with a qualified mortgage advisor I started questioning everything they told me, assuming worst case scenarios and getting myself in a complete unnecessary mess.  I continually sought comfort from the advisor but the more they comforted me the greater my doubts became.  I reached a point where I simply couldn’t handle it and end up taking very odd actions to get rid of the perceived risk that my application would be rejected and I’d let everyone down.  The actions were just unnecessary and completely out of character.  They provided short term relief but I then created catastrophe type thoughts around the consequences of the actions I’d taken. Ie you’ve done the wrong thing, you will be punished and the consequences will be awful for those you love.  That led to follow on odd actions to mitigate that perceived risk and the vicious circle continued and continued.  It became crushing to say the least.  Things spiralled and I became a completely different person.  Looking back I was unrecognisable and out of mental control.

 

 I reached a point I simply could not cope and ended up at the doctors in tears.  I’d finally got it out and it felt amazing.  I was put on anti depressants and referred for CBT.  The wait was painful after my telephone assessment.  I couldn’t focus on work and the pills were making me like a zombie.  When the CBT started it was like a new beginning.  I could speak freely to someone who understood.  The embarrassment was gone and it just helped to talk.

 

CBT really helped.  It gave me the confidence to tell my partner of 13 years and it taught me how to fight OCD.    I tackled multiple types of OCD and accepted it wasn’t me it was the condition.  I checked taps, cookers, plugs, doors and found myself internally repeating sentences to try to cancel out fears. These were just a few and my CBT dealt with them head on, some better than others.

Since completing CBT life has been better. Not perfect, it never will be.  Old obsessions pop up and it starts again but I’m better at dealing with it most of the time.  Sometimes though I just can’t fight it....the difference is I know when I’m not resisting OCD and kick myself.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[taurean]

Well it has certainly been a tough journey for you 81!

Welcome to the forums and thank you for telling your story. 

I personally think it's really tough for sufferers who experience a number of themes. 

But CBT tells us it's not the theme, it's the same old OCD, same ways of working. There will be falsehoods, exaggerations of minimum risk /threat, or revulsions - and with themes like harm, paedophile, relationship, sexual preference, it will attack some of our core character values, alleging the opposite to be true. 

So the key is to uncloak it, and work on not believing it, not connecting with it, not accepting the unreal hook-ups it tries to make to unconnected things. 

Be strong, keep up the exposure work. The more we see OCD for what it is and how it operates, the more we don't give it houseroom, then I believe the less power it maintains. 

 

Edited September 16, 2018 by taurean

[cookiemonster]

I’m glad you have made good progress. We all have are ups and downs and you have to drag yourself back on the straight and narrow.