My post

[Sparklesmango]

Would it be possible to send u a pm, I was a member of SIAD along time ago, and remember yourself I need some help with something I Am not fully comfortable about on the forum ur pm is currently disabled ?

[snowbear]

Just a reminder to everybody that seeking advice about aspects of your OCD via PM from any one individual is not recommended.

Remember that we're forum users sharing personal experiences, not therapists formulating someone else's therapy plan.  

Comparing one OCD case directly to another because it seems similar is fraught with the danger of misconception, misinterpretation and therefore giving misleading advice. Far better to share any concerns or questions on the open forum which has the advantage of multiple inputs and people to step in if the advice starts to go off the rails.

There are several reasons why people can feel uncomfortable  sharing information 'openly' on the forum, but there are ways around this. Questions can be posed in general terms and personal information can made a little less specific (or even totally abstract) so the point comes across without 'giving too much away'. 

Sparklemango, have a think about how you might word your concern so you are comfortable with it. I don't know what SIAD stands for, but maybe if you choose to post again you could enlighten us? 

 

[Sparklesmango]

12 hours ago, snowbear said:

Just a reminder to everybody that seeking advice about aspects of your OCD via PM from any one individual is not recommended.

Remember that we're forum users sharing personal experiences, not therapists formulating someone else's therapy plan.  

Comparing one OCD case directly to another because it seems similar is fraught with the danger of misconception, misinterpretation and therefore giving misleading advice. Far better to share any concerns or questions on the open forum which has the advantage of multiple inputs and people to step in if the advice starts to go off the rails.

There are several reasons why people can feel uncomfortable  sharing information 'openly' on the forum, but there are ways around this. Questions can be posed in general terms and personal information can made a little less specific (or even totally abstract) so the point comes across without 'giving too much away'. 

Sparklemango, have a think about how you might word your concern so you are comfortable with it. I don't know what SIAD stands for, but maybe if you choose to post again you could enlighten us? 

 

 recently had a spike of hitting a young infant during an argument my stress levels were really high and the thought was totally intrusive it didn't make sense the baby was not crying it was simply "the imp of the perverse" my ocd has been so bad lately it's really managed to do a number on me it now takes thoughts and makes them feel like memories to the point of even having de ja vu and my insight is very poor at times.

 

so the spike I'm struggling with is that because of being so convinced in my mind this was a real possibility that this somehow took place  I couldn't bear it, was riddled with guilt sinking into a deep depression everyday, more convinced that something had transpired my mind not allowing me to unlock this and I literally couldn't stand the possiblity I thought of ways I could check this went on for a good month, and the only way I could think of after being reassured the infant didn't cry and would have balled if was hit at the time which had no baring what so ever I had concocted in my head infant was stunned, and that's why, i thought maybe if I felt the bone in infant head the hardness of it I could compare that to my memory and it would clearly be false, i should have known this was not going to work but I was desperate for some relief and I wanted to know the infant was going to be okay,

 

 so stupidly out of sheer anxiety and depression I pressed my little finger on the infant forehead to which it felt soft I couldn't feel the hardness of the bone she is only five months at the time, so in my naivety I thought I was not pressing the bone it must be underneath what I was pressing as it must be harder so I will press to feel the hardness so I then put my thumb round the back of her head  and pressed with my little finger the front of her head the forehead and pressed substantially hard to feel the bone I kept going til the bone was hard I was under the impression this would not harm her I tthought and if she showed a sign of distress I would stop i was simply checking to see if she was ok, the bone seemed to. Be quite far in, what I realised after is that I think I was pressing the skull bone down I held it for maybe ten twenty seconds or more and sort of felt it a couple of times but never as heard as that at one point I could feel pressure in side her head into the middle from back and front  this bit scares me the most because obviously the distance got smaller and felt the pressure travelled from the front to the back, but I didn't want to create more uncertainty so rather than just pull away I held it to see what I could actually feel, the way I was thinking was I've done this now I need to take in everything so my ocd can't play on it and she again was not showing any signs of distress or I would have stopped instantly now she didn't cry nor has she showed any signs of any damage, or problems what so ever she's meeting all her milestones and its now four months later

 

the problem I've got is I now worried somehow I created an anuerysm that could rupture one day, she has since been seen by Drs etc and we expressed concern about her head size as this was something my ocd tried to latch onto but have been assured her head size is completely normal and everything seems fine.

 

 well I just feel an incredible amount of guilt I kno the original thought was false but now I'm also spiking about the pressure inside the middle because it felt if went all the way through but I' think that may be true and that is making me feel it must have done damage. I feel depressed in the fact that I allowed ocd to manipulate me into doing it and that I never wanted my daughter and anxiety like this to be entwined like so many other past experiences and well I just don't know what to do to get over it. Please understand that I would never maliciously hurt my daughter, and the depression of this is overwhelming, I have wanted to speak to a doctor about the likelyhood of creating an anuerysm through thT if at all possible but I have created a pit of uncertainty and I really do not want to disclose to a doctor that might misunderstand I also felt the ocd so real that at a couple of points I felt I had to know so that I knew she was okay even if somehow she had just bumped her head this was also playing on my mind so I was checking she was ok 

 

i am am looking for some reassurance here I know babies face a lot of pressure in the birth canal is it similar to this and something that would be fine ii want to stress that the pressure in the middle was substantial but I just didn't think it would have any effect at the time as I hhad been told all about babies durability and thought it was entirely safe and that. If I was at any moment harming her. She would cry and I would. Stop instantly

 

i know reassurance is not the way to go and I know that, an anuerysm from an injury is like one percent but I'm struggling to live with that possibility because of a stupid ocd checking compulsion which I would have never done under normal circumstances nor will I ever fall for again

 

 

 

[Sparklesmango]

The SIAD was the forum stuckinadoorway I'm happy for anyone to chime in thanks posting this has made me quite anxious

[taurean]

Sparkles your thread is all about seeking a certainty that can never be had, with tons of rumination trying to check memory was this real, it so felt like it etc etc. 

You cannot get that certainty, nor can any of us. 

We all have to learn to believe OCD is in play, stop the obsessing and carrying out of compulsions and refocus elsewhere. 

It is great that you opened up and told us what was bugging you.No-one here will be judgemental, we know how this disorder works.

So rather feel liberated by being able to set down here your thoughts and fears. You now need to seek to see this whole scenario in a detached way, same as we can. 

An only 1% chance to OCD is a significant possibility. An only 0.1% chance would still, to OCD, be a significant possibility. 

It's time to work towards letting go of these intrusions - not connect with them, not believe them -  consider them to be OCD. 

Let the fear and threat fade away, and get back on with your life. 

[Sparklesmango]

16 hours ago, taurean said:

Sparkles your thread is all about seeking a certainty that can never be had, with tons of rumination trying to check memory was this real, it so felt like it etc etc. 

You cannot get that certainty, nor can any of us. 

We all have to learn to believe OCD is in play, stop the obsessing and carrying out of compulsions and refocus elsewhere. 

It is great that you opened up and told us what was bugging you.No-one here will be judgemental, we know how this disorder works.

So rather feel liberated by being able to set down here your thoughts and fears. You now need to seek to see this whole scenario in a detached way, same as we can. 

An only 1% chance to OCD is a significant possibility. An only 0.1% chance would still, to OCD, be a significant possibility. 

It's time to work towards letting go of these intrusions - not connect with them, not believe them -  consider them to be OCD. 

Let the fear and threat fade away, and get back on with your life. 

Thanks for the response I kno that to some degree but I also kno it was a real action and the pressure was substantial if not a lot, which worries me I've debated asking a doctor maybe I'm convincing myself that would help. But I think I just need assurance, that this can't do that

[taurean]

I think you need to take on board the above. 

With OCD it will never be satisfied with an answer, it will come back with another "what if"  which we also have to be prepared to ignore. 

When we learn to do this, intrusions lose power and become less frequent. 

OCD doesn't discriminate between real, made up or a combination of both. 

It will play, and keep playing, that doubt card. 

24 minutes ago, Sparklesmango said:

But I think I just need assurance, that this can't do that

You need to leave it be, move on from it. 

And do the same when it throws up the next scenario. 

Until we learn to do this, there will continue to be next scenarios, it will never relent. 

 

[Sparklesmango]

Thanks for the reply urge still struggling with this and the depression with it

[taurean]

Be strong, and keep yourself occupied on beneficial and involved things. 

When it seeks to drag you back in, just think "Oh that's just my silly obsession"  and refocus away. 

[Sparklesmango]

I appreciate your replies, I'm really struggling here though it's the not knowing God I just can't moved on

[taurean]

A therapist told me to treat setbacks as storms. And they will pass. 

Take a look on the Internet and find yourself a free MP3 download of "The Mountain Meditation"  which was written by Jon Kabat-Zinn. 

Use this to help you understand this, relax and build up resilience. 

[Sparklesmango]

I'm losing the plot. Can't cope I juet want this to stop 

[Sparklesmango]

Can someone please help me

[Sparklesmango]

My anxiety is so high 

[Sparklesmango]

I appreciate all your replies Tauren I'd love for some ore input from others too maybe I am reassurance seeking but God I can't handle this

[taurean]

Many of we sufferers have been in that place you now are Sparkles. 

You need to treat this as OCD. It lies, fabricates, seeks to convince us. You said yourself you could tell it is doing this. 

Accept that this is so. Acceptance is a fundamental part of recovery, as too learning how the OCD operates in ourselves. 

You don't have to believe it. It wants you to, but you don't have to. 

Take a few deep breaths. Leave it be.

Like Catch 22, if we give belief to it we only make it stronger and more convincing. 

So we need to not believe it, not connect with it, mentally thrust away the lens it tries to focus on triggers. 

The only certainty in OCD is that you cannot obtain certainty. 

So we learn to accept probability that it is OCD. And that probability, and treating an incident "as if it is OCD"  are really powerful tools to deploy. 

You can start to do that now. We all can. 

 

Edited September 24, 2018 by taurean

[Sparklesmango]

But I genuinely don't know if that could do damage it wasn't imagined what I did the first thought was but I just feel like I went too far that it went too far in the pressure I put on was too much like and that's not a question I know it wasn't like there no way that could do anything coz it was firm I mkstakenly did That under the wrong oretense thinking that the bone was underneath and that  that couldnt harm it was only after I thought sugar I probably shouldn't hage done that  what I'm worried about is not knowing if this could affect in anyway and I probably will never know I don't know anymore 

[taurean]

I know, I understood what you said. 

But you have to forget it. 

As you hinted, this is simply the latest of many obsessional intrusive thoughts. 

And, unless you gather yourself together and begin to see these as the OCD they are, and leave them be and refocus away from them, then they will continue to occur. 

I used to be besieged by triggers when out and about, or when reading the news. 

I learned this was OCD trying to trap and restrict me. 

I stopped giving belief to or connecting with them. I stared them out in structured exposure and response prevention sessions. I treated them as just my silly obsession. 

I am doing well now and don't get besieged by triggers. So I know that CBT works.