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I am stuck in this terrible loop. I feel so immensely guilty because I have exposed my kids to chemicals and potential carcinogens. It’s not on purpose, but I did it before I was aware of the research. I know that’s not an excuse, and I should have researched these things before now. I feel massively guilty and bad, and like a terrible parent. I feel like punishing myself, so I keep reading articles about harmful effects and the harm I could have done. I know that is a compulsion and I should stop, but I feel like I deserve this and stopping would just be to make myself feel better (and I don’t deserve to feel better). I feel so guilty that I can’t even hardly eat. I don’t know how I am supposed to live with myself knowing I may have caused them harm. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t think this is necessarily OCD because I deserve this.

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Oh you bet it's OCD. 100%. No doubt about it. 

You have obsessions that you have caused harm to others. Those obsessions cause you distress. In response you do compulsions, notably research. That's OCD. 

The thoughts that you don't deserve to feel guiltless are also obsessions.

You have to stop Googling and doing research. Full stop. Doing so is causing your guilt and keeping the OCD engine running.

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Thanks, PolarBear. I had never really thought about thoughts related to guilt as an obsession, but I see what you mean. I don’t know how I can stop doing research, though, because I’m learning about potential carcinogens and neurotoxins that I didn’t know about before. If I stop, then I may miss something else. I feel like I’m already so negligent to have missed this information. And the reason I may have missed this info is because I was busy worrying about something else. And some of the chemicals I have used while pregnant and nursing were not even necessary but for hedonic reasons. I feel like as a parent this is my job to know these things, and it’s such a huge and great responsibility. And one I could have done a better job with. 

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Again, it's all a big lie. You were not required to know everything about every chemical you came in contact with. No one is. How many of your friends and family research chemicals like you do? None, right? So why should you be different? Why should you be responsible when no one else is?

You stop by stopping. You give yourself permission to be just average and you carry on without the compulsions. Over time, the anxiety, the guilt and the obsessions will lessen.

Edited by PolarBear
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Im a mum and I’m sorry you’re going through this.  One thing about OCD I know is hat it attack’s the things we love.  I know you really love your children and thus the guilt you’re feeling but let me tell you, you are a wonderful and caring parent and your children will be fine.  

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15 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Again, it's all a big lie. You were not required to know everything about every chemical you came in contact with. No one is. How many of your friends and family research chemicals like you do? None, right? So why should you be different? Why should you be responsible when no one else is?

You stop by stopping. You give yourself permission to be just average and you carry on without the compulsions. Over time, the anxiety, the guilt and the obsessions will lessen.

Thank you. I guess a lot of the people I know are extremely cautious about chemicals and carcinogens, so that’s another reason I’m feeling guilty. 

I just could not live with myself if something happened to my kids and it was my fault. I am trying remember all the things I could have done in the past that could have been dangerous and I’m having a hard time remembering all of them. 

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14 hours ago, lonely mum said:

Im a mum and I’m sorry you’re going through this.  One thing about OCD I know is hat it attack’s the things we love.  I know you really love your children and thus the guilt you’re feeling but let me tell you, you are a wonderful and caring parent and your children will be fine.  

Thank you. Yes, it definitely attacks the thing that is most dear to me in the world (my children). It is just such a huge sense of responsibility, and I feel like it’s my job to do everything the best that I can. Thank you so much for your kind words.

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4 hours ago, ExpectoPatronum said:

Thank you. I guess a lot of the people I know are extremely cautious about chemicals and carcinogens, so that’s another reason I’m feeling guilty. 

I just could not live with myself if something happened to my kids and it was my fault. I am trying remember all the things I could have done in the past that could have been dangerous and I’m having a hard time remembering all of them. 

Literally, you have to stop trying to remember. No one else does that.

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Just from another perspective, my second child has a congenital heart defect.  I had a serious hard time trying to figure out what I must have done during pregnancy to have cause this but I was told it’s nothing I did.  Then my third has a global delay who isn’t walking or talking at nearly 2.5yrs.  I tried so hard to pin point where I could have gone wrong and would be awake at just watching all the videos to see what happened.  Nothing could tell me the answer.  The only thing I could do was let go and move forward with them and be in the now.  I had to or I wasn’t even being here to look after them.  Take care of yourself x

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On 23/09/2018 at 18:12, lonely mum said:

Just from another perspective, my second child has a congenital heart defect.  I had a serious hard time trying to figure out what I must have done during pregnancy to have cause this but I was told it’s nothing I did.  Then my third has a global delay who isn’t walking or talking at nearly 2.5yrs.  I tried so hard to pin point where I could have gone wrong and would be awake at just watching all the videos to see what happened.  Nothing could tell me the answer.  The only thing I could do was let go and move forward with them and be in the now.  I had to or I wasn’t even being here to look after them.  Take care of yourself x

Thank you so much for the advice. I am sorry that you have been through so much. That’s such a great perspective in terms of being in the now. Take care of yourself too, and thank you so much. 

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Sorry to ask more questions. However, is it normal with OCD to be experiencing extreme physical symptoms? I keep getting bad chest pain and my heart is racing and my chest constantly feels tight like I can’t breathe. I keep waking up in the middle of the night in a panic. How is it even possible for me to control this if it’s happening in my sleep? I am so sick to my stomach that I have barely been able to eat for a while. Does this even sound like OCD or something else? The anxiety is so bad that I’m making myself seriously ill and I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack.

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I actually get panic attacks now from the anxiety.  I get dizzy, breathless, can’t see clearly and at have sensation of pins and needles all over.  I’ve had dreams of my fears and woke up feeling scared/startled.  Tk cr and speak to a doctor to discuss.

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3 hours ago, lonely mum said:

I actually get panic attacks now from the anxiety.  I get dizzy, breathless, can’t see clearly and at have sensation of pins and needles all over.  I’ve had dreams of my fears and woke up feeling scared/startled.  Tk cr and speak to a doctor to discuss.

Thank you. That sounds very similar to what I’m experiencing. Are you still getting panic attacks? Sorry that you are going through that too.

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17 hours ago, ExpectoPatronum said:

Thank you. That sounds very similar to what I’m experiencing. Are you still getting panic attacks? Sorry that you are going through that too.

I do when things get bad.  I also know when it’s going to happen now so try to distract myself.  For me it started when I had to take my second back to hospital for a check up, so it’s not always ocd related but once it starts the breathing gets difficult to control so I try to use distraction if I can try to prevent it.  Hope you’re feeling better x

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16 hours ago, lonely mum said:

I do when things get bad.  I also know when it’s going to happen now so try to distract myself.  For me it started when I had to take my second back to hospital for a check up, so it’s not always ocd related but once it starts the breathing gets difficult to control so I try to use distraction if I can try to prevent it.  Hope you’re feeling better x

Thank you! I will try harder to distract myself. 

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Sorry to bring this topic up again, but I’m still really struggling. How am I supposed to get past feeling so guilty? I am not sure how worried I should be about all the things I am worried about. But I just feel like a horrible, irresponsible person. And I feel like if anything bad happens it will be my fault, and I can’t deal with the guilt. 

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On 03/10/2018 at 02:49, ExpectoPatronum said:

I really, really can’t let this go. I truly don’t understand how it is possible to just be at peace and not worry about these things. I feel like this is an enduring personality trait and I can’t really be someone that I’m not. Anything else is just fooling myself. 

I can not run a marathon.  If I tried to run a marathon right now I would fail completely.  I am not morbidly obese, I can climb a set of stairs, but running a marathon?  Forget it.  But if I wanted to I could take steps and someday be able to run a marathon.  I'd have to train.  I'd have to work hard.  And it wouldn't happen over night, but eventually I could do it.  You could too.

It may be true that you just can't stop yourself from feeling anxiety about your worries right this very minute, but that doesn't mean you can't improve and someday reach that point.  

You are not the first person to have OCD.  You are not the first person to have anxieties like these.  You are not the first person to struggle with those anxieties.  And you are not the first person to feel like its impossible to change.  Others have OCD, and we've learned to overcome it.  Others have struggled with deep and depressing anxieties and we've managed, often with help, but also hard work, to get passed them.  There is a huge set of people and experiences to draw from that proves that yes, in fact, these kind of anxieties can and do go away when you take the steps to make it happen.  

The only thing you are fooling yourself about is that this is reasonable or rational behavior.  You struggle to understand how its possible for things to be different because so far this is all you know, but its irrational to assume that things can't change because of that.  Billions of people around the world are at peace and don't worry about the type of things you do every day.  Its not because they don't care, its not because they are bad people, its not because they don't have OCD.  It sucks to have OCD, we all know that, but its not an insurmountable barrier.  Worrying like this is not a personality trait, its a sign of a disorder, OCD.  And evidence shows that you can change that pattern.  Why not try?  What have you got to lose?  You have everything to gain!

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On 23/09/2018 at 23:12, lonely mum said:

Just from another perspective, my second child has a congenital heart defect.  I had a serious hard time trying to figure out what I must have done during pregnancy to have cause this but I was told it’s nothing I did.  Then my third has a global delay who isn’t walking or talking at nearly 2.5yrs.  I tried so hard to pin point where I could have gone wrong and would be awake at just watching all the videos to see what happened.  Nothing could tell me the answer.  The only thing I could do was let go and move forward with them and be in the now.  I had to or I wasn’t even being here to look after them.  Take care of yourself x

Oh I can do relate to this, my eldest has a hearing impairment and my youngest has ASD and OCD and I have spent many wasted hours wondering what I could have done to cause this issue, did I clean his ears out too hard when he had an infection? Did I not give my youngest enough attention as an infant...and on and on! My friends son has a rare condition, so rare in fact that it doesn’t have a name but falls under the liver disease category and she was also beside herself looking for reasons as to why and what she may have done to cause it, it’s an awful thing to go through but I think part and parcel of being a parent but we must put our doubts to one side and just deal with issues at hand as best we can! Xx

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On 04/10/2018 at 02:18, dksea said:

I can not run a marathon.  If I tried to run a marathon right now I would fail completely.  I am not morbidly obese, I can climb a set of stairs, but running a marathon?  Forget it.  But if I wanted to I could take steps and someday be able to run a marathon.  I'd have to train.  I'd have to work hard.  And it wouldn't happen over night, but eventually I could do it.  You could too.

It may be true that you just can't stop yourself from feeling anxiety about your worries right this very minute, but that doesn't mean you can't improve and someday reach that point.  

You are not the first person to have OCD.  You are not the first person to have anxieties like these.  You are not the first person to struggle with those anxieties.  And you are not the first person to feel like its impossible to change.  Others have OCD, and we've learned to overcome it.  Others have struggled with deep and depressing anxieties and we've managed, often with help, but also hard work, to get passed them.  There is a huge set of people and experiences to draw from that proves that yes, in fact, these kind of anxieties can and do go away when you take the steps to make it happen.  

The only thing you are fooling yourself about is that this is reasonable or rational behavior.  You struggle to understand how its possible for things to be different because so far this is all you know, but its irrational to assume that things can't change because of that.  Billions of people around the world are at peace and don't worry about the type of things you do every day.  Its not because they don't care, its not because they are bad people, its not because they don't have OCD.  It sucks to have OCD, we all know that, but its not an insurmountable barrier.  Worrying like this is not a personality trait, its a sign of a disorder, OCD.  And evidence shows that you can change that pattern.  Why not try?  What have you got to lose?  You have everything to gain!

Thank you so much for the encouragement. And I hope it didn’t sound like I was implying that people that don’t have these same worries don’t care; I certainly didn’t mean that. However, I am having trouble sorting out which concerns are rational and which concerns are not. I feel like I have to check with others to see which worries are valid and which are not, though I am wondering if this is perhaps a compulsion. 

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