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Stuck in a loop


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Hi all

just needed to get how I’m feeling out there to prevent myself going completely insane. Things have actually been a little better the past few days but I had a really bad night last night, I had been hungover all day so not exactly in the best mental place anyway. But I just got completely inside my own head, ruminating like mad. I’m stuck in this bizarre loop that I’m not really used to. Whenever I had bad thoughts before, I could deal with them just so efficiently because I could just identify the OCD and cast it aside like it didn’t matter.

But now when I experience OCD thoughts and feelings, the guilt accompanying is so strong that I feel like I just can’t do that and it’s absolutely crippled me. I just can’t let anything go, and the with groinal responses scaring the hell out of me, it’s been so difficult. And it’s very annoying because once I take a step back, I can just see how typically OCD this behaviour is, which makes me feel a bit better for a while until I have a bad day again. I’m trying to figure out why it is I’ve gotten to this point and it’s not hard, I’ve been in a tough place lately just in general, I think my job might be stressing me out too much, I feel down a lot and more recently I’ve been distancing myself from my friends. And this is all completely separate from OCD, this has all taken place without even thinking about that. 

Hopefuy I can start to get better soon, talking about how I feel on here really does help just to get it out and often makes me realise what my problems are. I think just trying to not feel guilty about the thoughts and groinal responses is the way to go from here and just accept it’s OCD. I don’t think bouncing back from this setback is beyond me, but it is really, really hard.

Hope everybody is well,

Ollie

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Hey Ollie, I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a rough go of it right now.  I don't have a lot to add but I wanted to drop a word so you didn't feel alone.  It can be so frustrating to have an OCD relapse, I can definitely relate to that feeling and the fear that goes along with it.  Try to remind yourself that you've gotten through it before and you can do so again.  Stress definitely makes OCD attacks more likely, it sounds like you've got a good awareness to be able to notice that.  One thing you might want to consider, and this is totally up to you, is alcohol use.  Though it can feel pleasant at the time, like rumination, in the long term its more likely to exacerbate your anxiety and OCD.  Not saying you have to give it up forever, but maybe a good idea to take a break, or at least cut back until you're feeling a bit more solid.  Otherwise it sounds like you've got the right mindset about how to deal with it, not taking the anxieties OCD throws at you at face value and doing your best to let them go.  I hope things pick up for you soon!

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Thanks for your reply dksea :)

Yeah, I think I am gonna cut back on the booze actually. I’m a bartender so I around alcohol a lot and I have been drinking a LOT more since I started working as one. There a very few Sundays these days where I don’t wake up with a god-awful hangover. It definitely makes my OCD way worse.

Besides that I have been having a rubbish time anyway. Like you say, I know why I have to do to recover but I just am finding it so hard to actually do it! I’m finding myself always feeling guilty for thoughts and feelings I had years ago, I’m back to ruminating and figuring it out, hoping to god it didn’t mean anything and worrying that I’m secretly a sick person inside. I feel guilty for having had the thoughts at all, and I feel on the outside from everybody in the world. I feel like I’ve let everybody down because I have these awful thoughts and groinal responses. I’m carrying this massive weight and I used to be able to just throw the weight off and forget about it, move on.

But now I refuse to let it go and carry it around with me, making it worse. I have some days that are better than others but OCD is absolutely kicking my butt right now. I’m just having trouble accepting that this is happening to me and that’s just so stupid of me considering all my accumulated knowledge of ocd 

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On 29/09/2018 at 01:07, Ollie46 said:

I’m just having trouble accepting that this is happening to me and that’s just so stupid of me considering all my accumulated knowledge of ocd 

I can definitely relate.  No matter how many times it happens I always struggle to stop the ruminating, stop the analyzing when I slip back in to an OCD period (for whatever reason).  Of course if it were easy none of us would be visiting this forum or seeing therapists, etc.

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