I know im a pain but im so in need of help

[battlethrough]

People who have read my posts will probably think oh here we go again,I try to apply the advice and have been waiting for therapy since February.

I have a problem I don't think it's ocd,pb has explained that it's now I get the intrusions. 

I have intrusive thoughts but I also get guilt over say infidelity if I have a fleeting fantasy or even a real thought out sexual fantasy,therefore I wonder if it's genuine guilt as it wasn't distressing at the time.

What has screwed me up today is I was at work and a good looking women came in,this is awful but without really knowing I day dreamed that I asked her to marry me and it was quit a long daydream,I said to her in the day dream,do you want to marry a stranger then imagined us talking then running off to Gretna green,then it hit me,how can I possibly day dream like this,I love my partner and want to only be with her ,I'm so so ashamed that I could think this.

As is commen for me I let my mind wonder and it's not necessarily intrusive,I suppose it's the pig man mind, but I wish I didn't go with these mental stories,I love my family and the guilt is huge,what sort of man who loves his wife can imagine a scene where he's asking another for marriage,it's so messed up,I don't get myself,why think that when in reality it's the last thing I want.

It seems so far from ocd and just genuine guilt for being a inconsiderate pig of a man,let alone imagine sex with someone other than your partner,witch I do without realising it sometimes,how can you want to be with one person but your brain takes you all over the place,surely this is something that should be controlled.sorry for the rant,I have alot of suicide thoughts ATM and can never confess to my partner again because it's drained the life out of her,just find it hard to be ocd when all I read is intrusive thoughts causing distress and not entertained thoughts causing guilt,honestly who could thing about that marriage thing,just don't think I'm OK stall to think that

[battlethrough]

I know I'm frustrating on here,I tried to not bother people but it's becoming unbearable,I have waited so long for therapy,does my post seem that I am actually not very nice or that I can't really love my partner if I could think such things,sorry,just desperate

[battlethrough]

I read other posts and can see clearly ocd,but for me,even reading back it doesn't seem straight forward,more a cycle of letting my mind wonder then regretting it

[Emsie]

Just now, battlethrough said:

I read other posts and can see clearly ocd,but for me,even reading back it doesn't seem straight forward,more a cycle of letting my mind wonder then regretting it

I think that's probably the same for a lot of us that haven't recovered. I've just read your posts here and I can clearly see OCD. Everybody's minds wander and fantasise. That's not your problem, it's the meaning that you attach to it. Your OCD blows it all out of proportion and your regret and distress is the result. Your mind wandering has no bearing on your relationship, find me a person that doesn't fantasise. I have and it means nothing about my feelings towards my husband, because it's not my theme. 

My advice would be to stop thinking about this as best as you can, keep a check on your ruminating, no confessing and no googling etc. Do something nice and let yourself off the hook, because there is no hook. 

Be kind to youself. 

 

[Lynz]

Honestly I have the most graphic sexual fantasies about people I like all the time. Not just that but I have romantic ones too, e.g. I daydream about marrying Cillian Murphy and living in a wee cottage in the west of Ireland with our 5 dogs (), but really, I adore my partner and wouldn't want to be with anyone else. (I've just shown him this post and he's now laughing at me!)

Your fantasies are completely normal and are nothing to feel guilty about. Your problem is that you have OCD which distorts reality, so that your mind equates harmless fantasies with cheating, or is making you believe that it means something significant about your relationship when it actually does not at all.

[dksea]

5 hours ago, battlethrough said:

I have a problem I don't think it's ocd,pb has explained that it's now I get the intrusions. 

Having read your post it sounds 100% like OCD to me, including worrying that its not OCD.

 

5 hours ago, battlethrough said:

what sort of man who loves his wife can imagine a scene where he's asking another for marriage,it's so messed up,I don't get myself,why think that when in reality it's the last thing I want.

A normal one!  Fantasy's are just that, fantasies.  Successful marriage and lasting love isn't a fantasy, its based on commitment and dedication.  Its based on actions.  Your ACTIONS are to be with your family, to love and support them.  Having a romantic fantasy is completely healthy, normal and not at all an indication you are a bad person.  You can let yourself off the hook, no need to confess, you didn't DO anything wrong.  A thought is just a thought.

 

5 hours ago, battlethrough said:

It seems so far from ocd and just genuine guilt for being a inconsiderate pig of a man

Its definitely OCD to feel so much anxiety over otherwise normal and harmless behavior.  You aren't hurting anyone by having a fantasy, you are not a pig for having a fantasy.  I know hearing this won't make the anxiety you feel magically go away, but you can tell yourself its OCD (even though you still feel doubt) and proceed to treat it as OCD.  Hang in there!

[battlethrough]

Thank-you all for your kind support,you have no idea how much the support helps