Real life ocd back again

[Ironborn]

Hello all.

just to come straight to the point, Ive been dealing with quite some diffrent kinds of ocd in the last 6 years. The most crippling one is real life OCD. How do you guys deal with this kind of ocd?

To me it fades time by time, but everytime when it comes back as it has done couple of days ago, i find new proof of me having done the worst thing in life all thoise years back. Dont get me wrong, i really did some things back then where i could have been like 'convicted' for. i juist dont know how to move on from this, how can i forgive myself for the pain ive caused?

This subject just keeps coming back, when does it stop? Im starting to think that because it comes back everytime it may mean something. Maybe its no OCD but just the truth and i need to turn myself in and accept whatever punishment there woul come from it.

My ocd also tells me i should explain what i exactly have done to you guys here, but i know that is a compulsion, just to be 'forgiven'.

[cookiemonster]

Have you received any cbt. By seeking reassurance you are completing a compulsion. You need to let the thought go as ruminating about it is just the ocd taking control 

[dksea]

Hey Iron, sorry you are having a tough time.

OCD can definitely plague us about real events in our lives, so just because these things may have happened or even did happen doesn't mean you aren't dealing with OCD related thoughts because of it.

Recovering from OCD isn't about forgetting or never thinking about the thing that makes you feel anxiety, its about stopping the compulsive behaviors that help the OCD fears persist.  

One way to approach this kind of problem is to consider how a person without OCD reacts in the same/similar type of situation.  That can give you an idea if your reactions are out of the normal scope and need to be addressed.

Meanwhile, if you are feeling genuine guilt over a past action and seeking to relieve some of that guilt consider ways in which you could make amends for any damage you might have done.  But be careful for two things.  First, consider very hard if your motivation is really to make amends or if you are engaging in a compulsion about an OCD thought.  If at all possible it would be good to talk with a therapist who understands OCD and can help you understand your situation.  Second, consider whether the actions you are considering are really beneficial for the other party or just to make you feel better.  Sometimes when we make mistakes we simply have to live with them and move on because trying to "fix" things would actually cause more pain to the wronged party.  

Either way, whether this is OCD or a genuine guilty conscience I think your best course of action is to speak with a  mental health professional.  If you do need help for OCD they can get that for you, and if you need help handling guilt from the past, they can help you navigate that too.

[Ironborn]

12 minutes ago, cookiemonster said:

Have you received any cbt. By seeking reassurance you are completing a compulsion. You need to let the thought go as ruminating about it is just the ocd taking control 

Yes ive had cbt. i have been in a intense therapy of 12 weeks 4 days a week. i did alot of cbt back then.

4 minutes ago, dksea said:

Hey Iron, sorry you are having a tough time.

OCD can definitely plague us about real events in our lives, so just because these things may have happened or even did happen doesn't mean you aren't dealing with OCD related thoughts because of it.

Recovering from OCD isn't about forgetting or never thinking about the thing that makes you feel anxiety, its about stopping the compulsive behaviors that help the OCD fears persist.  

One way to approach this kind of problem is to consider how a person without OCD reacts in the same/similar type of situation.  That can give you an idea if your reactions are out of the normal scope and need to be addressed.

Meanwhile, if you are feeling genuine guilt over a past action and seeking to relieve some of that guilt consider ways in which you could make amends for any damage you might have done.  But be careful for two things.  First, consider very hard if your motivation is really to make amends or if you are engaging in a compulsion about an OCD thought.  If at all possible it would be good to talk with a therapist who understands OCD and can help you understand your situation.  Second, consider whether the actions you are considering are really beneficial for the other party or just to make you feel better.  Sometimes when we make mistakes we simply have to live with them and move on because trying to "fix" things would actually cause more pain to the wronged party.  

Either way, whether this is OCD or a genuine guilty conscience I think your best course of action is to speak with a  mental health professional.  If you do need help for OCD they can get that for you, and if you need help handling guilt from the past, they can help you navigate that too.

Its just hard, because right now im trying to follow advise and the things i already have learned during therapy. But im getting thought now like; Why would there advise be the right advise? maybe all these ways to 'cope' with ocd are just ways to suppress the truth.

this thinking happens to me alot when i try to apply the things i have learned. its very difficult if my mind is telling me all these advices and tips are just made up by humanity, the same humanity that is so destructive to the world and other living beings around us? 

I hope you get what i mean, I feel as if i need a definitive answer to the question if what im doing to cope with ocd is actually ok. and not a way to just bury our heads in the sand.

[Ironborn]

Everytime when i think about this im getting very sad. Because i really want to be a good person. People tell me al lthe time that i am such a loving person etc. 

Im just tearing up while writing all this. Why wont this just go over? 

Ive done so many 'compulsions' or deeds to make things right already, but it never feels enough. its not even real anxiety that i am feeling right now because of these obsessive thoughts, its just sadness, i just want to cry so hard.

[Em00]

Hi Ironborn. I'm not a big writer so don't have a great deal to say. But I couldn't read your post without saying I completely relate and you're not alone feeling like this. 

I've come to realise that whatever the awful thing was, the excessive ruminating, huge distress, compulsions etc are ocd. I try and stay focused on the present and not cling to the thoughts. I also try and treat myself with compassion and forgiveness. There has been lots of posts on here about the standards we hold ourselves to and the 'shoulds' we use. These can help feed the ruminating. 

The biggest thing I try and remember is not everything is black and white. There are no definitive answers that ocd demands. We are not either 'good' or 'bad'. Embracing uncertainty can be so uncomfortable, but I think ultimately helpful. 

[Ironborn]

1 hour ago, Em00 said:

Hi Ironborn. I'm not a big writer so don't have a great deal to say. But I couldn't read your post without saying I completely relate and you're not alone feeling like this. 

I've come to realise that whatever the awful thing was, the excessive ruminating, huge distress, compulsions etc are ocd. I try and stay focused on the present and not cling to the thoughts. I also try and treat myself with compassion and forgiveness. There has been lots of posts on here about the standards we hold ourselves to and the 'shoulds' we use. These can help feed the ruminating. 

The biggest thing I try and remember is not everything is black and white. There are no definitive answers that ocd demands. We are not either 'good' or 'bad'. Embracing uncertainty can be so uncomfortable, but I think ultimately helpful. 

I know that black and white thinking is a typical ocd thing. But i just cannot seem to figure out how to stop it really.

At this moment one of my biggest issues is that i have thoughts about my ocd itself. Somehow my mind is telling me there is no real OCD. and that what we call ocd actually is some sort of further evolved ethical human being...? if you know what i mean.

Im getting all these different thoughts that try to tell me all of this is not working. Its hard to describe but ill try to describe it somehow.


Everytime i get a thought about how i wish to deal with a certain obsession like cbt / erp, my mind feels dull and sad. Immediatly after i get a thought or i see a picture inside my head or i get this feeling inside of me which feels very sad. And thus that sadness being there im linking it to the thought of how i want to deal with the obsessive behaviour like trying cbt / erp  etc. which causes me to think that all these ways of dealing with ocd are just worthless and are not REAL. 

I spelled REAL in capitals because that is how it then feels, the obsession feels very real and honest to me at that moment, and the ways to cope with it feel like lies and sadness.

Why is that? why do i have so much resistance against these things that can help with ocd? why does my mind tells me these ways are bad and evil, and not the way it is meant to 'be'. ?

Edited September 27, 2018 by Ironborn

[PolarBear]

It's a part of your mind trying to keep you stuck. 

[paradoxer]

On 27/09/2018 at 01:30, Ironborn said:

Everytime when i think about this im getting very sad. Because i really want to be a good person. People tell me al lthe time that i am such a loving person etc. 

Im just tearing up while writing all this. Why wont this just go over? 

Ive done so many 'compulsions' or deeds to make things right already, but it never feels enough. its not even real anxiety that i am feeling right now because of these obsessive thoughts, its just sadness, i just want to cry so hard.

If you want to 'be a good person', whatever that means, don't try to be one. Remember the rule - aim for the paradox. As for the 'deeds to make things right' it will never be enough, the disorder is never sated. The way forward? Stop trying.