I've done something terrible

[Headwreck]

I really have and I know everyone is going to think I am a piece of garbage but I don't know what I can do other than leave my job and home.

I work with a married man, I worked with him in my last job and then he suggested me to the managers of the current place and so I ended up working there with him. Anyway I was obsessing about my partner cheating and was in an very low place, nobody to speak to, etc. I was getting extremely upset in work all the time and this friend in work was the only person who took an interest and listened to me. So we started texting a lot. I'd be off work and he'd text, etc. Would just spend hours texting. About music, depression, films, problems. It was nice to have someone to talk to. He then confided in me to say that he was emailing a woman a few years ago (and apparently the emails were flirty to a point) and his wife found out and said he was having an emotional affair.

I got scared because I thought she would probably think we were having an emotional affair, I told my colleague that I didn't want it construed as anything more than friends, even when we went for coffees on lunch etc I'd not sit next to him on the couch, I didn't want it to be construed as anything but we kept texting. We spoke about problems in our relationships and I tried to get him to spend time with his wife more to make things better. He criticised a project his wife was working on and i agreed with him because I really didn't think it was useful. We also joked about dirty stuff, like men do with one another I mean as I'm seen as one of the lads rather than a girly girl, not in a flirtatious way between us. But now I look back at all of these things and I'm scared I've had an emotional affair and I know given my colleagues history, if she sees these texts she will think it is. I used to look forward to speaking to him, then I wonder did I fancy him etc? I just felt so alone and he also was helping me though the issues I have had recently about the night out.

I've told my partner all of this but I don't think he knows the full extent. I don't know what I can do, I know I'm scum but it's as though I do more and more bad things to confirm it. I think I just can't be faithful to anybody. I think I should probably just end my life now. All I do is make stupid decisions and never consider consequences or feelings of others. Just a selfish sack of garbage. I want to die.

Edited September 28, 2018 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

I'm not sure if this is OCD related or just that I am feeling guilty all of a sudden about it. I just feel like everything is killing me, want to just erase everything, everything is just wrong and a mess.

[cookiemonster]

You were feeling low and lonely. He filled an emotional void. 

It sounds like nothing physical has ever happened.

you have been honest with your partner. 

Is it an emotional affair - how would you feel if your partner did the same? 

[Headwreck]

2 minutes ago, cookiemonster said:

You were feeling low and lonely. He filled an emotional void. 

It sounds like nothing physical has ever happened.

you have been honest with your partner. 

Is it an emotional affair - how would you feel if your partner did the same? 

I would be extremely upset. Nothing physical happened, I always saw it as friends and it would have never ever gone anywhere else, but I enjoyed talking to him a lot and was like a confidante. I've just messed everything up. All I do is ruin people's lives.

Edited September 28, 2018 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

I don't know what to do. I feel absolutely sick to the stomach, what if I break up their family? Please God just end this.

[St Mike]

1 minute ago, Headwreck said:

what if

Red flag, Headwreck.

[Headwreck]

But what I did is still bad. I don't know what I expect anyone to do. I need to end this.

[St Mike]

Yes, you indeed need to end this. End this entire train of thought, toss it into the mental trash bin and get on with your life and recovery.

I am not going to say whether what you did was right or wrong because that is just going feed your OCD and subsequent irrational assumptions and conclusions.

Go take a deep breathe, do some light stretching and get on with your day.

 

Edited September 28, 2018 by St Mike

[Dragonfly]

Ah Headwreck, you’ve gone searching again for something else to worry about! Typical OCD! 

You say your partner knows anyway, so you didn’t hide anything. And typical OCD coming in, you’re worried he doesn’t know the ‘full extent’. Again, typical OCD!  Nothing happened, you were just friends. 

We’re all allowed to be friends with someone of the opposite sex. If it was a girl friend you were meeting with in the same situation I bet you’d think nothing of it! And as for his past, what his wife thought etc etc, that’s irrelevant in this or your life, your OCD has just found a way to worm it’s way in again! 

I’ve known people who have had ‘real’ affairs, and they certainly don’t put themselves through anything like anyone with OCD does! We magnify the simplist thing, and create something that it’s just not! 

You need to try to work hard at labelling the OCD, realising it’s job is to try and get you thinking and brainstorming over things - don’t let it! 

Try the tensing muscle exercise when you can feel the anxiety rising. If you can try breathing exercises too, with that or on their own. I find saying in my head, ‘ok I can feel the OCD trying to get me to think again, and trying to make me anxious’, then refocusing. It really helps me detach myself a bit from it, just to get some head space.

Throw yourself in to work today, this weekend get out and about, go shopping, cinema out for lunch, something. I’ve been there so I know how hard it is to get out when you don’t want to, but it does help! 

You really can do this! X

Edited September 28, 2018 by Dragonfly

[bobfish]

OK, Headwreck, you need to start challenging the way you think about things. Repeatedly calling yourself a piece of garbage etc. is not going to help your anxiety in the slightest. Whenever these thoughts start occurring, actively recognise them as OCD thoughts and dismiss them.

The main piece of advice I have is to remember that OCD sufferers often feel personally responsible for every bad thing that happens. An exercise that really helped me was to draw out a 'responsibility pie chart' - in this case, let's imagine the worst case scenario does happen, e.g. she finds out about the texts, thinks her husband's been cheating, and they break up. Ignoring for a moment that there's only a very small chance of this happening anyway, even if it does happen, how much responsibility will you actually have? Ultimately the people who are primarily responsible will be the wife and husband.

But again, that's a big 'what if'...

[Headwreck]

I just feel like I'm blaming everything on OCD all the time. At the time I did think it was a bit wrong to be texting but I enjoyed it and I even categorically stated to my colleague that it was nothing more and didn't want it to be construed as anything else. It was embarrassing to say the least. I just confided a lot in this person, even some things my partner didn't know, so I feel like it's a betrayal. Also some things that he said about his wife she certainly would be upset by.

I have calmed down a little now but still shaking like a leaf and short of breath. Will try the breathing exercises.

I am so scared. It's just one thing to another. This will disappear soon and the other thing will come back to the fore. Why? Do non OCD people do that, give things turns in the spotlight?

Edited September 28, 2018 by Headwreck

[St Mike]

3 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I am so scared. It's just one thing to another. This will disappear soon and the other thing will come back to the fore.

Firstly, Headwreck, this is not something new. The event or situation may differ but it is still based on the same theme of OCD you are currently suffering from. The theme of fidelity. You have to recognise how your OCD works with regards to this theme. How it targets your social relationships and interactions and tries to find ways to suck you into ruminating and catastrophising. It all started as you have mentioned before, about you being worried about your partner cheating, then it morphed to being worried about you yourself cheating. The latest incarnation is same theme manifesting itself through your interaction with a married man.

You have to wise up to the tricks of your OCD especially when it comes to your relationships. You know that you are prone to theme of fidelity and when you start to worry about something related to your personal relationships and interactions, you have to be mindful and aware. As soon as you start to overthink and ruminate, catch yourself and pull yourself back. Don't allow your thinking to spiral out of control.

At the same time, stop hammering yourself, cut yourself some slack and don't call yourself trash, garbage or whatever. Remember what I told you about the reinforcement of negativity in your life, this practice has got to stop. You are as deserving of happiness and self-respect as the next person.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

 

 

 

Edited September 28, 2018 by St Mike

[Headwreck]

I know everyone is trying to be nice here and diplomatic but I can't help but think I'm just a terrible, terrible, horrible person who deserves everything she gets. I know people here will read this and think I'm disgusting. I've made an absolute mess of my life and it seems that there really is no way I can fix it, I can't live with myself.

[PolarBear]

6 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I know people here will read this and think I'm disgusting.

No, you don't. You've said that time and time again. It wasn't ever true and it's not true now. Doing so is negative reassurance seeking, where you seek confirmation from us that you are as nasty as your thoughts say you are. You want justification for feeling horrible.

Well, guess what? IT IS NOT GOING TO WORK. It didn't work before and it won't work now.

It seems your OCD is shifting to a slightly new obsession, that will overtake the old one. The same thing that happened when it shifted from thoughts that your partner cheated to you being the cheat. The same thing that happened with Saz, whose obsession went from abuse to cheating.

I really hope one day you wake up and realize we aren't just blowing smoke out of our bums. We really know what we are talking about.

This has always been OCD. It was OCD when your partner was the cheat. It was OCD when you became the cheat. And it is OCD now.

Stop fighting us. It's getting old and you'll just continue to suffer if you don't. 

[Headwreck]

I don't know what to do, it seems to switch between this and the night out. I feel like I'm constantly nervous. I don't remember being like this with the obsession about my partner, can OCD affect you differently feelings wise ie. sadness instead of anxiety, guilt instead if sadness, anxiety instead of guilt, etc. depending on the subject?

[Headwreck]

I guess people are just ignoring this thread because theyve read it and everyone thinks I'm horrid. I've made my own bed now have to lie in it and sick to death of me going on. Sorry. I do try to stay away but have nowhere else. I'll try harder to stay off here.

[humbleno1]

Hey I wasnt ignoring the thread, I read it but I didnt respond in all honesty because, this is genuinely how I viewed it, the misfire, in our brains ALWAYS wants something to latch onto, the other week you were talking about this drunken night, and it seems youve got some respite from that to some degree, but this has now taken its place. And I just think you are never going to get better if you focus on these themes which is what they are, its really difficult I know, but youve got to try and see through it.This is clearly an ocd issue. If you feel that you shouldnt have done it that is fine, we all do things without realizing we all are blind to certain things, that really isnt your fault. I think you are striving for this perfection in how you behave or how your relationship is, and thats just not realistic, all relationships have moments, problems. In all sorts of ways. Your ocd isnt going to listen to reason either, the only thing you can do is try to stop compulsing.

 

Arent you tired of doing this? I know I am, polarbear is completely right. You need to stop feeding the ocd, and work on healthier actions, you're constantly judging yourself. Its really sad to see you trapped in this maze but we are giving you the exit door here. I cant really say it better than others have said it.The truth is this indulgence in this anxiety, is only exasperating your condition preaching to myself here, but you have to have to start trying now, to follow peoples advice.

 

I really like mark freeman on ocd, have you ever watched his videos, check this out. its really good analogy so you understand what you are actually doing. when you do compulsions.

 

[Avo]

No one thinks your horrid on here Headwreck, OCD has slightly shifted its focus to another event. Its quite common for this to happen. I have had a range of themes over the years, did you have yourself put on the waiting list for CBT when you went to the doctors?

Also - You really need to be kinder to yourself! I think you could do with looking into some form of self esteem type reading as well as CBT for your OCD. 

[Avo]

If you look on Markfreeman.ca website there is a video on there about 'what if the obsession is about something I really did'.

its only a couple mins long but really good, you could find it on youtube too.

[Atlantis]

It's a normal friendship, that's all, but your OCD has been waiting in the wings to start casting doubts on it, and now you've given the intrusive thoughts importance, it has totally hijacked the situation and turned it into a big fat 'what if', your intentions all along have been innocent. And still are. 

[Headwreck]

It keeps chopping and changing between the night out and this every few hours. That isn't normal OCD behaviour.

The night out, I'm never going to know and it's killing me. I feel like I know I didn't, like this is all a dream, but I don't remember the whole night so how do I know. The guy said the next day he felt like kissing me but maybe I made that up or maybe he felt like he wanted to keep kissing me. I remember thinking on that night I have to definitely split up with my partner now, why would I think that if something hadn't happened? I think I may have psychosis as my whole life feels like it is a dream and my thoughts feel like they change so much all the time. I feel like I've done loads of bad things but I can't remember what they are as remember thinking I'd have to confess.

I don't know what I can do. The medication doesn't seem to be doing anything but give me headaches and shakes and I am struggling to find a therapist. So now what? I just want this life to end, I'm fed up of being stuck in my own head. I often think that even murderers etc. probably live easier than this. I'm increasingly withdrawing from people and don't feel like I deserve to be alive. I'm so depressed and preoccupied that I can't be bothered talking to anyone, this has been years now.

Edited September 30, 2018 by Headwreck

[Atlantis]

On 28/09/2018 at 09:45, Headwreck said:

. Nothing physical happened

13 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

but I don't remember the whole night so how do I know.

 

If something happened you would damn well know about it because the guilt would be overwhelming, that's it. Pure and simple. As long as you're consumed by the intrusive thoughts you will be stuck in a multi-linear cauldron of  'what ifs', you need to distance yourself from engaging in analysing the whole thing, I know it's hard because I've struggled a lot recently, but you can do it. Once you step out of the loop you'll start to see the anxiety fade, even if that means feeling uncertainty.. 

Having read your posts it appears to me that during this night, you were having intrusive thoughts and you probably did not pay them that much attention because you were distracted by a normal situation, and only now you're remembering those thoughts that you had i.e. "I will definitely have to leave my partner now" therefore you may not remember why you had those thoughts. Which takes  you into the 'all or nothing' spectrum of OCD, which is basically, you feel you've done something wrong but you're not 100 percent, so it's easier to punish yourself by confessing on here that you've done something, when all you've done is confided in a mate. 

[Headwreck]

I also went to see my grandmother yesterday with my sister. She has dementia and she remembered my sister but didn't remember me. This is the first time I have noticed she doesn't remember me. She looked at me like she didn't know me, didn't talk to me, only my sister, and she didn't kiss me goodbye but kissed my sister. I think maybe she sees me for what I am and hasn't forgotten me at all? Why would she forget me and not my sister? Did she forget me because of what I am like as a person? I am very boring and don't talk a lot because I'm awkward, my mind goes blank when people talk to me so people tend to avoid me, although anything to do with work I'm great, it's just socially I'm rubbish. My sister is chatty and open, friendly and doesn't have a nasty bone in her body. I also think she might see that I'm a nasty piece of work, could she have that kind of level of realisation even though she has dementia? Maybe she can sense it?

Edited September 30, 2018 by Headwreck

[Lynz]

I think you need to give your GP a call Headwreck. You're talking absolute nonsense and bordering on paranoia (i.e. your grandmother who has dementia is now a mind-reader and knows all of your darkest secrets just by looking at you).

It's possible that your meds have made your OCD worse, which can happen when you first start taking them. It may be that your dose needs to be tweaked a little bit, or you need to switch to a different one.

[Headwreck]

I just feel like I'm losing my mind, I'm so confused and my grandmother forgetting me is just typical of my life. I know she can't know anything but I guess I was just trying to find a reason why she doesn't remember me but remembers my sister. It's just like everything horrible always happens to me.

Edited September 30, 2018 by Headwreck