I've done something terrible

[Avo]

Your grandmother forgetting you is quite a common symptom of dementia. My grandma had dementia and similar happened with me and my mother (her daughter). Dementia is a very upsetting and cruel condition for all close to the sufferer.

Did you manage to watch the video by Mark Freeman on how to deal with real life events?  have you been put of the CBT waiting list?

your getting mired massively in OCD ruminating which makes things worse. 

Its possible your in the early symptoms of your medication which can make things worse initially. I think a call to your doctor as Lynz suggested is a good idea. 

[Caramoole]

Hi Headwreck

As other have mentioned, it may be that the new medication is making you feel particularly anxious and agitated.  This is actually very common and will hopefully settle down.. Sometimes it doesn't and it may be that it's not the best medication for you.  When are you supposed to go back to your GP?  You should be monitored and followed up having been prescribed medication.  Make an appointment and let them know how you feel.

It's clear that you are in the grips of anxiety/OCD and I'm certain, everybody sympathises, it's awful.  BUT....and it's a very BIG but......apart from the medication you do have to assert yourself to make changes to help your recovery.  There's been some excellent advice in this thread (and others) about some of the things that you need to start trying to do to change how you feel.  The first is to try and stop the self-depracation, the self-loathing, the negative statements made towards yourself......both in written form (here), spoken form (to others) and in self-talk.  This (although hard to see) is a compulsion.  You're ruminating endlessly (both thinking-wise and on the thread).  You have to try and harness this and work very hard at refusing to be drawn into the debate with your fears.  There are some suggestions on what might help earlier in the thread.

We (on the thread) don't need to have any more details about this friendship, we have enough information.  Your need to write it down is rumination and that's something you need to try really hard to resist doing.  Let's use the thread to work on "You working to make these changes and finding support and advice to help you do it"

How's about it?  Are you ready to try and work at making those necessary changes?  Your way/OCD's way doesn't work and never will.....You need to change that and there's no better place to start than right now.  Okay, you'll trip up hundreds of times but you pick yourself up each time, dust yourself down and get back on the horse that's just thrown you to the ground

[Headwreck]

The night out and the friendship are two separate things, not even concerning the same person. Maybe this is what is confusing everyone. Sorry if I'm not clear.

I'll stick with the tablets and see if anything improves. Find it difficult to fight back because I'm not convinced it's OCD. Find it hard to stay off the forums and do appreciate the help I've had but find I use this place for compulsions.

 

Edited September 30, 2018 by Headwreck

[Caramoole]

7 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

The night out and the friendship are two separate things, not even concerning the same person. Maybe this is what is confusing everyone. Sorry if I'm not clear.

We don't need any clarification on any of it Headwreck.  I'm not confused.  You are ruminating, trying to work it out, trying to ensure you've got all the details down.  This is one big area you have to firstly, realise and secondly, resist the urge to do it.

10 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Find it difficult to fight back because I'm not convinced it's OCD

So what makes you so special?   Not being sure it's OCD is almost a universal symptom, so again, you need to sit with that doubt and attempt the advice given.  ALL OCD is difficult to fight back against, so excuses not accepted I'm afraid  Start today.

13 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

but find I use this place for compulsions.

Yes, you do and we're not going to assist you in doing that.....so time for a change, time to make a new start

[Headwreck]

Could this thread be deleted please? Thank you.

[Caramoole]

4 hours ago, Headwreck said:

Could this thread be deleted please? Thank you.

Why's that Headwreck?

People have taken the time to respond and the thread contains some good advice that you now need to start and do your best to try and put into practise.  Sadly, the tablets alone won't cure this, you will have to make cognitive and behavioural changes as well.  Have you thought of contacting the IAPT provider for your area?  You could ring them and sel-refer tomorrow.

[PolarBear]

On 30/09/2018 at 03:03, Headwreck said:

It keeps chopping and changing between the night out and this every few hours. That isn't normal OCD behaviour.

You don't even believe you are dealing with OCD, so how can you make a statement like, "That isn't normal OCD behavior?"

You make nonsense statements like that, always with an eye to prove to yourself that you are a bad person. There is no reality behind these statements.

It is perfectly natural for OCD to flit from one theme to another, from one obsession to another, with each lasting minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years. There is no set pattern how OCD will manifest. Everyone experiences it differently.

[PolarBear]

On 30/09/2018 at 03:35, Headwreck said:

I also went to see my grandmother yesterday with my sister. She has dementia and she remembered my sister but didn't remember me. This is the first time I have noticed she doesn't remember me. She looked at me like she didn't know me, didn't talk to me, only my sister, and she didn't kiss me goodbye but kissed my sister. I think maybe she sees me for what I am and hasn't forgotten me at all? Why would she forget me and not my sister? Did she forget me because of what I am like as a person? I am very boring and don't talk a lot because I'm awkward, my mind goes blank when people talk to me so people tend to avoid me, although anything to do with work I'm great, it's just socially I'm rubbish. My sister is chatty and open, friendly and doesn't have a nasty bone in her body. I also think she might see that I'm a nasty piece of work, could she have that kind of level of realisation even though she has dementia? Maybe she can sense it?

More nonsense garbage dreamed up by you, trying to rationalize everything and trying to prove to yourself that you are as bad as your thoughts portray. There is another, much simpler explanation to what happened: She has dementia and she forgets who you are. Period.

[Caramoole]

On 30/09/2018 at 20:59, Caramoole said:

Why's that Headwreck?

People have taken the time to respond and the thread contains some good advice that you now need to start and do your best to try and put into practise.  Sadly, the tablets alone won't cure this, you will have to make cognitive and behavioural changes as well.  Have you thought of contacting the IAPT provider for your area?  You could ring them and sel-refer tomorrow.

I'm going to push you on this one Headwreck.  Not because I want to heap pressure on you but because you need to think through why you feel you want the thread deleting.  So often OCD makes us want to run away and not face the things that we really need to.

Also, did you have any thoughts about self-referral?

[Headwreck]

7 hours ago, Caramoole said:

I'm going to push you on this one Headwreck.  Not because I want to heap pressure on you but because you need to think through why you feel you want the thread deleting.  So often OCD makes us want to run away and not face the things that we really need to.

Also, did you have any thoughts about self-referral?

Hi Caramoole.

I'm worried my posts are going to be seen by future employers and traced back to me somehow. I should have thought about this before divulging so much info on a public forum but obviously something else got the better of me. I do worry about this sort of thing a lot and wonder if it will end up being picked up by a journalist, given the role I will be in i would be finished.

With the self referral, I don't have time to wait on the year long waiting list and last time I did that they just put me on some online CBT thing for Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Have discussed with my Dr about paying for private therapy instead which he said is a better idea. Although this is easier said than done as there seem to be so many therapists that claim to treat OCD but when speaking with them there seems to be little understanding.

Was going to create an 'action' post here maybe working out what the compulsions are and what I should be doing mentally. There has been a lot of advice given to me here and I'm thankful for that but my head is so confused about what to do with it. I struggle massively with rumination, it feels as though doing it is justified and if I don't do it then I'm forgetting a misdemeanor. I will not let myself stop and I don't know what it is I'm looking for when I'm doing it as depending on mood and time of day the conclusion is different, if that makes sense. I don't fully understand what could be construed as a compulsion and what is just a natural reaction. Also don't fully comprehend how I should be reacting as buckle easily.

On a side note. I've gone to work this morning and realised that I've forgotten to take my medication. Will I have some kind of meltdown? Should I take it tonight when I get home?

Thanks.

 

Edited October 2, 2018 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

9 hours ago, PolarBear said:

More nonsense garbage dreamed up by you, trying to rationalize everything and trying to prove to yourself that you are as bad as your thoughts portray. There is another, much simpler explanation to what happened: She has dementia and she forgets who you are. Period.

I see that now. Was just upset at the fact that she no longer knows who I am but she can remember my sister. Felt even more ostracised.

[Caramoole]

Hi Headwreck

Well Done for getting back to the thread and being honest   I suspected it was for reasons along this line and it is one of the reasons I wouldn't be happy closing the thread, it is a compulsion, a way of trying to bring down anxiety levels and desperately control situations.

From the outside looking in it is so easy to see how ridiculous the fear is, blown out of all proportion altogether.  I don't mean that you are being ridiculous, the thought is a typical over-blown one, creating huge, disproportionate fear because you suffer from OCD.  However, you can change that but it will only happen when you start to change reaction/behaviours in response to the thoughts/fears/doubts.  I think it's an excellent idea to turn this into an action thread and start working with other members to truly tackle your OCD rather than living a life running from it or reacting in fear.

9 hours ago, Headwreck said:

With the self referral, I don't have time to wait on the year long waiting list and last time I did that they just put me on some online CBT thing for Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Have discussed with my Dr about paying for private therapy instead which he said is a better idea

Unfortunately, whilst possibly true it's not a good excuse from the GP.  I speak as someone who has been given this reason for over 40 years......"The waiting list is over a year", the end result being that you never even start and get put on the list.  At least if you are put on the list you start the countdown.  You can still look for a private therapist in the meantime, if by the time it's your turn to be seen you no longer need to be, simply cancel and someone else will move up the list.  You can still self-refer to an IAPT provider, this doesn't take a year, typically it's a few weeks.  Okay, I accept it's not the best help available, it varies from one provider to another but as a stop gap to get you started and at least have someone to talk about, it may well help.

[Headwreck]

1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

Hi Headwreck

Well Done for getting back to the thread and being honest   I suspected it was for reasons along this line and it is one of the reasons I wouldn't be happy closing the thread, it is a compulsion, a way of trying to bring down anxiety levels and desperately control situations.

From the outside looking in it is so easy to see how ridiculous the fear is, blown out of all proportion altogether.  I don't mean that you are being ridiculous, the thought is a typical over-blown one, creating huge, disproportionate fear because you suffer from OCD.  However, you can change that but it will only happen when you start to change reaction/behaviours in response to the thoughts/fears/doubts.  I think it's an excellent idea to turn this into an action thread and start working with other members to truly tackle your OCD rather than living a life running from it or reacting in fear.

Unfortunately, whilst possibly true it's not a good excuse from the GP.  I speak as someone who has been given this reason for over 40 years......"The waiting list is over a year", the end result being that you never even start and get put on the list.  At least if you are put on the list you start the countdown.  You can still look for a private therapist in the meantime, if by the time it's your turn to be seen you no longer need to be, simply cancel and someone else will move up the list.  You can still self-refer to an IAPT provider, this doesn't take a year, typically it's a few weeks.  Okay, I accept it's not the best help available, it varies from one provider to another but as a stop gap to get you started and at least have someone to talk about, it may well help.

Hi Caramoole,

Sorry, which fear is it that you are referring to? The obsession I've had for a year now or the urge to delete my threads? The thing about the thread is a kind of 'ad lib' thing so to speak, it doesn't linger like the main problem does. The deletion of the thread is like a flash in the pan, knee jerk reaction. But these do happen often with different things. Thanks for not going ahead with deleting my account and thread, understand why you did this.

I've tried to cut the ruminating off today. When I get home from work I ask myself how much I've thought about it and as usual, my answer is it's been all day. I'd sensibly conclude that I'm spending every minute I'm awake analysing and reliving fragmented memories from the night out three years ago. When it's not at the forefront of my mind, it's still lingering out back and won't be ignored. I'll try again tomorrow with cutting down the rumination. It's not as heavy when I'm home from work, still there but not as distressing. Am I still doing compulsions even at home if it's the same thoughts but not causing distress? I can sit with it easier but I'm still analysing.

Am I doing it correctly when I tell myself 'i don't know'? I'm trying to leave it alone once I say that but I keep getting 'but this, but that, and that, you did this which means that'. When I say I don't know, it feels like I'm saying it and it's not true, or I'm saying it and know I didn't. Can't explain it. Sorry for the tangent.

I'll self refer tomorrow although I found the online support really useless last time. Will continue to look for therapy. Self help wise, I've read Break Free From OCD as it was suggested here but couldn't relate to it, everything in it felt like miles from what I'm experiencing then further cementing my idea that it's not OCD after all. Are there any other books I could try as I don't hold out much hope finding a therapist? Thank you.

Edited October 2, 2018 by Headwreck

[Caramoole]

34 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

I've tried to cut the ruminating off today. When I get home from work I ask myself how much I've thought about it and as usual, my answer is it's been all day. I'd sensibly conclude that I'm spending every minute I'm awake analysing and reliving fragmented memories from the night out three years ago. When it's not at the forefront of my mind, it's still lingering out back and won't be ignored.

Good that you've made a decision to try and change things.  Rumination is difficult to stop but one thing that people don't always realise is that rumination doesn't just "happen" to us, it's not automatic.  It is "we" ourselves that do it, we instigate the thinking process in an attempt to try and work out the thing that's bugging us.  It seems automatic but that's because it becomes so habitual to think this way we slip in to it almost automatically.  You have to work very hard to break that habit.  When you notice that you are constantly trying to work something out, you actively refuse to continue with the internal conversation.  It won't be long before your mind tries to slip back into rumination.  Become aware of this, and again, stop the conversation.  You have to re-train yourself not to continue with the rumination and it takes repeated and constant effort at first.  I used to think "I am re-training my brain and I'm not going to have that conversation"  You will never work out what you're trying to work out or remember so it's a futile endeavour that simply keeps you ill.

34 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Sorry, which fear is it that you are referring to? The obsession I've had for a year now or the urge to delete my threads?

All of them

34 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

I've read Break Free From OCD as it was suggested here but couldn't relate to it, everything in it felt like miles from what I'm experiencing then further cementing my idea that it's not OCD after all

Unfortunately, OCD sufferers often don't relate to books/advise/whatever if it doesn't specifically relate to and is an identical (or very similar) situation.  This is another way of looking to be reassured and when they don't find specific information that reassures they think maybe it's not OCD.  The particulr thought/fear or how it manifests isn't important at all, there are infinite variations that simply couldn't be catalogued.  You have accept that the problem is OCD, however it manifests and apply the general principles of therapy.

If you do decide to self-refer, make it clear that you suffer from OCD and it's seriously disrupting your life.  IAPT offer different levels of treatment and you want them to consider you for more than the basic sessions.  I would also ask your GP to be put on the NHS waiting list regardless (as outlined in previous post)

Make that decision that you are going to change your approach and start tomorrow, it can be a very powerful decision.  Yes, you'll trip, you'll fall but you'll be taking back control and bit by bit will start to make gains.

[Headwreck]

I'll try reading Break Free From OCD again with a better approach. I was reading it in the hopes that I'd see it was OCD but I never did. As many have said here, it manifests itself in thousands of ways and vastly different from one to another. That said, I tend to stay away from anything highlighting a cheating theme, even OCD wise, as it makes me panic.

Think I've come to realise very gradually that I do have OCD, struggle to accept it. But this scares me as it means I may have done this thing and without the OCD, I'd just not be bothered by it. I never want it to be okay that I've done this. Been ruminating again none stop this morning. Trying to knock it on the head but I really feel like I can't stop.

Will call IAPT today. Concerned that I will not be able to attend anything they might put in place due to work commitments. I don't want to have to take time off work, it will reflect badly on me. I've not called in sick to a job for around 10 years, I can't start being a flake now.

Edited October 3, 2018 by Headwreck

[dksea]

57 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

That said, I tend to stay away from anything highlighting a cheating theme, even OCD wise, as it makes me panic.

While this is totally relatable, at some point you'll want to do the opposite.  You'll want to expose yourself to those kind of triggers because doing so will help you get better.  Its not easy or fun, i've been there, but you can definitely do it and it'll be worth it.  But one step at a time, you don't need to do it right away

 

Quote

Think I've come to realise very gradually that I do have OCD, struggle to accept it. But this scares me as it means I may have done this thing and without the OCD, I'd just not be bothered by it. I never want it to be okay that I've done this.

There is a fancy word for what you are doing here, its called setting up a false dichotomy
You are creating a situation with only two possible options, when the reality is there are many many more.  Not having OCD doesn't mean you don't feel bad if you do something wrong.  Most people feel bad when they do something that is against their beliefs/morals.  The difference is not that someone without OCD wouldn't feel bad IF they had done something wrong. Its that a person with OCD wouldn't still be doubting what they had done. I am willing to bet large sums of money that people without would be convinced enough by now that nothing had happened and have moved on with their life.  And, on the off chance something HAD happened, they would have dealt with it and also moved on.  Accepting and treating your OCD doesn't mean you'll stop caring about doing bad things and become a horrible person.  It means you won't be beating yourself up and holding yourself to an impossible standard.  Speaking of impossible standards.

 

1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

I've not called in sick to a job for around 10 years, I can't start being a flake now.

Taking some time off for being sick doesn't make you a flake, and definitely not if you haven't been doing it at all for the past 10 years!  Heck, if you genuinely are feeling under the weather you'd probably be better of taking a day to recover.  You'll probably be more productive the next day or two after a good rest than trying to muddle through while sick!  PLUS it means its less likely for your coworkers (or you if other people are coming in sick) to get sick!  I hope you are at least taking your vacation days!!

[Caramoole]

2 hours ago, Headwreck said:

Will call IAPT today. Concerned that I will not be able to attend anything they might put in place due to work commitments. I don't want to have to take time off work, it will reflect badly on me. I've not called in sick to a job for around 10 years, I can't start being a flake now.

IAPT often can offer evening or Saturday appointments, see what they say.

Keep working with interuppting the rumination process.  You've been doing this for a long time and it will take repeated effort to change this, keep at it

[Headwreck]

.

Edited October 4, 2018 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

Feeling like I'm ignoring the truth by not thinking about it in some way. When I'm not thinking about it directly, I'm still thinking about the fact that I'm not thinking about it when I should be, does this make sense?

It's like I'm living a lie and also like I don't know how to live in the present as so used to worrying all the time, forgotten what it's like to not be in my own head? Could I be like this for months even though I'm cutting out compulsions? I've been trying for the past few days to not replay everything in my head etc. still slip into it but getting better at it. Think the pills are starting to help a little too.

Edited October 5, 2018 by Headwreck

[angels]

It seems your anxiety levels are on high alert try to breath and step back when I am anxious my OCD latches onto everything as difficult as it is see this as your ocd it's the same theme ignore the doubt and refocus. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

20 hours ago, Headwreck said:

Feeling like I'm ignoring the truth by not thinking about it in some way. When I'm not thinking about it directly, I'm still thinking about the fact that I'm not thinking about it when I should be, does this make sense?

It's like I'm living a lie and also like I don't know how to live in the present as so used to worrying all the time, forgotten what it's like to not be in my own head? Could I be like this for months even though I'm cutting out compulsions? I've been trying for the past few days to not replay everything in my head etc. still slip into it but getting better at it. Think the pills are starting to help a little too.

This is so so common it would be very surprising if you didn't feel this way.  The feeling of "I am ignoring something important" is the thing that drags so many people back into the pit (myself included).  

You just have to carry on anyway.  Think "yep I'm being reckless and irresponsible in ignoring this, oh well".  The key I have found - and this is hard - but the key is to allow the thought to be there but without engaging with it.  Don't push the thought away. Allow it in. Just don't do anything with it - don't try to "solve" it.  Think "yep I am having a thought about XYZ, fine" and then get on with your day.  This will feel very unnatural and uncomfortable.  But your brain will eventually accept the signal that you're giving it - i.e. that the thought isn't important.  It won't happen over night - Rome wasn't built in a day - but it will eventually. 

[Headwreck]

Thanks GBG and Angels. 

I've been doing well the past few days. The pills seem to be doing their job in the sense that my depression seems to have lifted somewhat and the thoughts have been 'dampened' (my doctor's words rather than mine). Have found it a lot easier to get on with the days.

I haven't been playing the night over and over in my head and filling the gaps, etc. Which is a big deal for me, this was something I was doing constantly.  That being said, I do still think I've done it and cheating story in the news at the moment is making me think I'm just as bad and I should be dumped etc. I still find I'm asking myself if I still think I'm guilty, will I always think this forever, but just tell myself to shut up and get on with something else.

Edited October 9, 2018 by Headwreck

[PolarBear]

Good.