Slipping back a bit

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hey guys,

Hope you're all doing OK.

I've not been as active on the forum of late as things were quite a bit better and I wanted a break from all things OCD.

I was doing OK, and I am still doing OK in many ways - a lot better than a year ago anyway when it was the pits.  But I have been slipping back a bit recently and the thing I hate is that I feel very powerless to stop it.  I know on an intellectual level that it is OCD but I am soooo sick of it sneaking its way back in and having to be on my guard so much all the time.  I think what I hate the most is constantly feeling like I am ignoring real issues, and that I am being irresponsible/reckless in doing so.  I can't let go of this feeling that I could solve everything if I just tried hard enough.

Sigh.

Anyway I don't know why I'm posting really other than for a bit of support.  It can feel a bit lonely having OCD without being on the forum.  My other half is amazingly supportive but I guess it's hard to understand OCD if you haven't been there!

Hope everyone is OK.

GBG xx

[taurean]

22 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I think what I hate the most is constantly feeling like I am ignoring real issues, and that I am being irresponsible/reckless in doing so. 

And that is the OCD at work GBG. And why you hate it so much. 

Constantly - the repetitive thinking of OCD. 

I am ignoring real issues - no you aren't, OCD is an out-and-out liar. 

I am being irresponsible /reckless - so says the OCD; don't believe this, don't connect with it. Those "constantly"  thoughts don't ease away, because you are connecting with, giving belief to the thoughts. And probably responding with mental compulsions. 

This is where I found the love kindness meditation and using mindfulness, helpful - together with refocusing into a mindful part of the brain - the benign "just being"  area - instead of giving belief to the thoughts. 

It was using this combination of tools that enabled me to break away from those constantly - repeating intrusive thoughts that I hadn't otherwise found a way to stop. 

If it would help you, I can find the guidance on how to do this and re-post it. 

[Ollie46]

I know exactly how you feel GBG, it’s those exact feelings that stuck me right back where I am now! The feeling of irresponsibility/guilt like you are not addressing a real issue can make you feel so bad and it can be so strong sometimes that it feels unbearable. It’s the craft of the disorder, and it’s a way for OCD to try and sneak back in and do it’s real damage, which is what happened to me.

Sounds like you know all this though, so I just thought I’d lend you my empathy because I know what it’s like to feel alone with your OCD at times like this you know what this is and you gave me some fantastic advice yesterday that was the difference between me not being able to function at a big important event in my life and actually being able to turn up and be on pretty good form all day, so I know you can beat this

[lostinme]

13 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Hey guys,

Hope you're all doing OK.

I've not been as active on the forum of late as things were quite a bit better and I wanted a break from all things OCD.

I was doing OK, and I am still doing OK in many ways - a lot better than a year ago anyway when it was the pits.  But I have been slipping back a bit recently and the thing I hate is that I feel very powerless to stop it.  I know on an intellectual level that it is OCD but I am soooo sick of it sneaking its way back in and having to be on my guard so much all the time.  I think what I hate the most is constantly feeling like I am ignoring real issues, and that I am being irresponsible/reckless in doing so.  I can't let go of this feeling that I could solve everything if I just tried hard enough.

Sigh.

Anyway I don't know why I'm posting really other than for a bit of support.  It can feel a bit lonely having OCD without being on the forum.  My other half is amazingly supportive but I guess it's hard to understand OCD if you haven't been there!

Hope everyone is OK.

GBG xx

Firstly your not powerless to stop it, you just feel you are, there is a difference. Things have slipped and slipped a little and you are not seeing the wood for the trees so to speak because the positive emotions are being overpowered by the negative ones. Firstly you need to stop being so hard on yourself and show a little self compassion, what would you say to someone else in the same situation? Your putting way to much pressure on yourself that you could solve everything if you just tried hard enough and not being so reckless and irresponsible? Stop . These are all negative emotions that you know are a great concern of yours and by viewing things in this way only leads you down a slippery slope  Don’t give importance to these thoughts because this will give the OCD groundwork to work from and only make it stronger. There isn’t really a lot in your post that says what the issue is, but what you need to do is to start working on recognising when things are starting to slip so you can stop it dead in it’s tracks before it goes this far. With all of the things I’ve achieved so far and been successful with I can now recognise when something starts to slip back into the old ways and I stop it instantly and this stops a spiral of events occurring and I think this is a crucial part in CBT too 

Hope this helps, best wishes always lost x

[taurean]

2 hours ago, lostinme said:

With all of the things I’ve achieved so far and been successful with I can now recognise when something starts to slip back into the old ways and I stop it instantly and this stops a spiral of events occurring and I think this is a crucial part in CBT too 

Hi GBG 

This is cracking advice from lostie. 

As she says, when we learn the new behaviour of noting, stopping and refocusing away, and that becomes our default response, we can nip things in the bud before an anxiety cycle and spiral kicks in. 

lost

Edited October 3, 2018 by taurean

[Avo]

Hi GBG,

Sorry your slipping a bit, its a common feature of OCD, its a tricky and cunning disorder and can almost sneak back up on us in stealth and its often hard to notice this at first.

When I finished CBT in January my therapist and I worked on a plan going forward (I forget the exact name) but the idea of it is you write down what your triggers are and identify where we may be vulnerable to relapse - such as stressful life events impacting on things such as with me a potential house move was one of them. You also identify your common obsessions and compulsions. The idea is you know and are prepared as best you can for relapse and can identify the warning signs and avoid slipping back into old habits. 

You then review it every so often to try and make sure that your on track etc, I don't know if you could maybe draw one up yourself. 

Sorry I am not being very clear - I am a tad tired at the moment but I hope you get the idea of what I am saying. ! I can try and elaborate if you need me to I could dig out my paperwork. 

 

[taurean]

Hi GBG how is it going now? 

Don't listen to that old OCD telling you porkies, and focus on some self-love into the true character values you have - not the opposites that OCD tries to suggest. 

It lies. All the time. 

Wishing you some strength and resilience. 

Roy

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi Lostie, Roy, Ollie, and Avo

Thank you very much as always for the amazing advice.  You have given me the kick up the bum I needed.  I had fallen into the trap of thinking I could "solve" OCD if I just really really tried.  As we all know OCD loves it when we think that! - it gets fed. 

I had a reasonably good day yesterday and didn't respond to the triggers as much as possible.  

Lostie - the reason i didn't say what issue I'm having specifically is because there are so many! In particular, I have developed an issue with contamination/germs and that has really taken on a life of its own, I spend a lot of time preoccupied with "tracking" germs from one thing to another, making sure I don't inadvertently touch something which may have touched something else, etc.  I am trying to fight against this and resist the urge to do any of this.  I have also got back my "have I committed a crime" fear- again I'm trying to resist the urge to figure it all out.

I think in the past I have found it easier to fight it because it's been one obsession at a time.  But now it seems like there is a whirlwind of triggers coming at me from every angle and to avoid responding to them I have to basically shut down my entire life and become a robot! Because there's that many of them, if that makes sense.

Anyway I'm going to try to have another good day today and not play OCD's game.

Hope you are all doing OK xx

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Had a better day today, hardly any ruminating and feeling much calmer about everything now x

[lostinme]

14 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Hi Lostie, Roy, Ollie, and Avo

Thank you very much as always for the amazing advice.  You have given me the kick up the bum I needed.  I had fallen into the trap of thinking I could "solve" OCD if I just really really tried.  As we all know OCD loves it when we think that! - it gets fed. 

I had a reasonably good day yesterday and didn't respond to the triggers as much as possible.  

Lostie - the reason i didn't say what issue I'm having specifically is because there are so many! In particular, I have developed an issue with contamination/germs and that has really taken on a life of its own, I spend a lot of time preoccupied with "tracking" germs from one thing to another, making sure I don't inadvertently touch something which may have touched something else, etc.  I am trying to fight against this and resist the urge to do any of this.  I have also got back my "have I committed a crime" fear- again I'm trying to resist the urge to figure it all out.

I think in the past I have found it easier to fight it because it's been one obsession at a time.  But now it seems like there is a whirlwind of triggers coming at me from every angle and to avoid responding to them I have to basically shut down my entire life and become a robot! Because there's that many of them, if that makes sense.

Anyway I'm going to try to have another good day today and not play OCD's game.

Hope you are all doing OK xx

 

Bless you it really is spiralling out of control and it is so much more difficult when lots of themes and triggers are there all at once, I remember this oh so well and to be honest I don’t ever want to go back there ever again and this is what keeps me motivated to keep going. At the beginning before I started CBT I had major contamination issues, harm OCD issues, magical thinking etc etc it was utter chaos in my mind and everything had to be just so, wiped down etc even to washing my hands between each item of ironing and to putting them in the wardrobe etc way to complex to even begin to explain. Even hanging things in a certain way, colour etc, even my tea towels, it had consumed my whole life but never again. This is why a wellness recovery plan is a good thing so you can be aware of slipping before it takes hold.

My life is amazing now to what it was and I don’t ever want to return to where I was so I will do what ever it takes to hopefully one day beat it all together. 

If you need any advice what so ever I will try my best to help where I can xx

[lostinme]

14 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Had a better day today, hardly any ruminating and feeling much calmer about everything now x

That’s great news  keep going x

[gingerbreadgirl]

10 minutes ago, lostinme said:

Bless you it really is spiralling out of control and it is so much more difficult when lots of themes and triggers are there all at once, I remember this oh so well and to be honest I don’t ever want to go back there ever again and this is what keeps me motivated to keep going. At the beginning before I started CBT I had major contamination issues, harm OCD issues, magical thinking etc etc it was utter chaos in my mind and everything had to be just so, wiped down etc even to washing my hands between each item of ironing and to putting them in the wardrobe etc way to complex to even begin to explain. Even hanging things in a certain way, colour etc, even my tea towels, it had consumed my whole life but never again. This is why a wellness recovery plan is a good thing so you can be aware of slipping before it takes hold.

My life is amazing now to what it was and I don’t ever want to return to where I was so I will do what ever it takes to hopefully one day beat it all together. 

If you need any advice what so ever I will try my best to help where I can xx

Hi Lostie, bless you, you're so sweet and kind   

I wouldn't say it's really spiralled out of control cos in many ways it is much, much better and my life is much more on an even keel than it was several months ago (when you may remember I was in a huge state).  I guess what I mean to say is that it's hard to pin it down as just one theme because there are many, which consequently means triggers seem to be everywhere - but really they all boil down to one thing which is me worrying about being immoral/bad in some way (even the contamination thing).  

I'm so glad to hear you're doing so well and I have no doubt that in time you will totally rid yourself of this horrid disorder xx

[taurean]

27 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Had a better day today, hardly any ruminating and feeling much calmer about everything now x

That's really good to read

 

[taurean]

I remember triggers seeming to be everywhere - it's ghastly. 

But it's good you can at least see how the OCD operates, and that there is that underlying OCD core belief (being in some way immoral/bad).

I would think if you can nullify that with CBT methods, then the other themes bring held up by it just might collapse like a pack of cards. 

[lostinme]

9 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Hi Lostie, bless you, you're so sweet and kind   

I wouldn't say it's really spiralled out of control cos in many ways it is much, much better and my life is much more on an even keel than it was several months ago (when you may remember I was in a huge state).  I guess what I mean to say is that it's hard to pin it down as just one theme because there are many, which consequently means triggers seem to be everywhere - but really they all boil down to one thing which is me worrying about being immoral/bad in some way (even the contamination thing).  

I'm so glad to hear you're doing so well and I have no doubt that in time you will totally rid yourself of this horrid disorder xx

Yes I do remeber you was and I’m so glad to hear that you are much better now  I’m so sorry I misinterpreted what your post said but I understand what you are saying now 

I think Roy is right working through your core belief in CBT will help you immensely xx

[gingerbreadgirl]

Thank you so much guys, it feels good to talk about this stuff with people who understand.  xx