False ocd thoughts urge to throw clothes away

[PolarBear]

But, but, but. You get good, solid advice and you come back with but...

You chose to use seven towels. Nothing forced you. You don't like anxiety, so you took the easy way out by doing compulsions. Which makes your situation worse, not better. 

Every compulsion by every OCD sufferer in world history made things worse. Listen to my words, Phil. I'm not selling you a bill of goods. I am being 100% straight up, brutally honest with you.

[Guest Phil10]

Well it’s xmas today and I managed to get a shower one towel, one hair wash and never changed my socks and jeans despite wanting to. Surprised I did it given it is a special day and usually I’m worse but it shows the patterns I have where I can be really stressed one day and another I have little ocd beating me. Would be easy if I could have more days like today where I don’t change clothes 5 times. 

[PolarBear]

You will have more days like this. Rome wasn't built in a day.

[Guest Phil10]

Frsuatatingly after a positive day for ocd yesterday today has been worse I need a shower everytime I poop right now 

I changed towels a few times and showered twice and changed clothes twice I feel I can never win

[Orwell1984]

Probably the OCD biting back after yesterday's win. Just take the roughwith the smooth and keep trying.

[Guest Phil10]

Today has been even worse 

I blocked the toilet and used the plunger again so that’s where all my anxiety started 

I showered once, binned towels as I worried I touched them so I showered again and still wasn’t satisfied so I took another towel and showered again. I took some clean clothes out the drawer threw them on the ground as dirty washing as I wasn’t satisfied. In the end I had a big pile of clothes. So I went to the shops and worried I touched the toilet brush so I went and washed my hands I still wasn’t satisfied as I had a thought that maybe I touched the brush and some how never showered or touched it again after my shower yet I never so another false thought. 

My behaviour is now well I can’t go in ANOTHER shower now so I am avoiding touching some stuff in fear my hands after dirty. Logically I know I’ve washed my hands lots so even if I did touch it I’m sure that’s enough for some people. But let me explain if a toilet water splashes my hand a tiny bit i shower sometimes situations happen where only showering safisfies me like I won’t wash the toilet unless I shower. My ocd is so bad that sometime hand washing isn’t enough to make me feel better. Another example I went shopping the other day and I ocd’d again worried my clothes were dirty I changed and because I never rolled my sleeves up when I put the clothes down for dirty laundry I wouldn’t buy any item in the shops in fear of spreading germs. 

My ocd is crippling and it’s at its worst because no matter much I clean I sit every day feeling unclean now. This is a new thing as I said earlier in the topic compulsions use to work now the moment a thought flashes into my head I react to it like the thought is real and happened and I feel I have no control over this. People say that you can change how you react to a thought but I can’t seem to because my head pulses onto these thoughts like they are facts and I go on a journey to how everything will become dirty and do a compulsion and now I find the no matter how many compulsions I do the feeling of dirt never leaves. It feels like being trapped in a gold fish bowl of thoughts. 

Where I need help is when a thought comes I believe it as a fact how can I some how fix this? 

[gingerbreadgirl]

The fact is you can choose to react differently. Sure you will feel anxious, maybe unbearably so, but the anxiety doesn't force you to do anything. That is a story you are telling yourself  - a belief you have developed probably over many years - that you can't tolerate anxiety and you must reduce it at any cost.

At some point you're going to have to decide enough is enough and choose to endure anxiety instead of acting on it. 

[PolarBear]

You need to realize that the reason you are in such a pickle today is because you did a whole bunch of compulsions. It's that simple. Clearly the compulsions aren't working because you did more and more of them. 

I know the rhoughts seem real. I know the danger feels real. They're not. They're all lies invented by your mind. You must take a leap of faith.

You blocked your toilet again. This has happened before. Why is it getting blocked? I suspect it is because you are using way too much paper.

[Guest Phil10]

9 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You need to realize that the reason you are in such a pickle today is because you did a whole bunch of compulsions. It's that simple. Clearly the compulsions aren't working because you did more and more of them. 

I know the rhoughts seem real. I know the danger feels real. They're not. They're all lies invented by your mind. You must take a leap of faith.

You blocked your toilet again. This has happened before. Why is it getting blocked? I suspect it is because you are using way too much paper.

Yes I use one roll of toilet paper each time I go and one hand pump per day these are issues I need to fix too. My head says right now I contaminated another shop as I worried I touched the toilet brush. Having that thought makes me wash my hands. 

I Duno about danger I really don’t believe I will come to any harm which may surprise many it’s this anxiety that something is “ruined” I can’t accept that and live with that anxiety that something has been spoiled. Many have said it’s a perfectionism thing I’m not 100% sure. I have had the thought that something is ruined for only 3 years I never had this in the past. Many have said the ocd has been going years it has the hand washing ect but these false beliefs lies about toilet brushes, doors, dirty laundry most of this behaviour has only really been in the past six months. Perhaps this is a good thing as it’s not a long term thing? 

What has happened is generally low levels of anxiety about dirty washing have shot up and expanded into massive worries and the whole ocd cycle has gone from a mild form to a severe and I said I put this down to moving house and having no more money to keep moving to my perfectionsim standard is higher.

So two issues here my ocd going from mild to severe and the issue that I believe something is spoiled this has been going on 3 years I’m not at a stage where I can clean something and accept the germs are gone I believe it needs thrown away or handed to someone who can handle the germs I can’t live with the anxiety. So my issue is I can’t live with the anxiety it creates. Hope this explains it more 

[gingerbreadgirl]

3 minutes ago, Phil10 said:

I can’t live with the anxiety it creates. 

The thing is you can live with anxiety.  Anxiety can't kill you.  It can't force you to do anything.  it's just a feeling.  You have told yourself repeatedly that you can't live with anxiety but it's a lie. 

The fact is you can choose to react differently. Sure you will feel anxious, a whole load of anxious, but the anxiety doesn't force you to do anything. That is a story you are telling yourself  - a belief you have developed probably over many years - that you can't tolerate anxiety and you must reduce it at any cost. You tell yourself that you have to do compulsions. 

At some point you're going to have to decide enough is enough and choose to endure anxiety instead of acting on it. 

And the more you endure it, the more your OCD will fade away. But you have to make that choice.

 

[Guest Phil10]

10 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

The thing is you can live with anxiety.  Anxiety can't kill you.  It can't force you to do anything.  it's just a feeling.  You have told yourself repeatedly that you can't live with anxiety but it's a lie. 

The fact is you can choose to react differently. Sure you will feel anxious, a whole load of anxious, but the anxiety doesn't force you to do anything. That is a story you are telling yourself  - a belief you have developed probably over many years - that you can't tolerate anxiety and you must reduce it at any cost. You tell yourself that you have to do compulsions. 

At some point you're going to have to decide enough is enough and choose to endure anxiety instead of acting on it. 

And the more you endure it, the more your OCD will fade away. But you have to make that choice.

 

I’m sitting here anxious wanting another shower though so I’m sitting through the anxiety if I shower I would maybe do more compulsions and it may or may not work. However I am avoiding touching stuff due to the thought. The anxiety and ocd can be controlling and it can make me believe stuff has been forever contaminated and shops even may be ruined so I avoid them that’s my whole cycle avoid clean and compulsions. 

And I once spent a short spell in hospital with bipolar and a few times with my anxiety I had to go to hospital so sometimes in the past I couldn’t control the anxiety or required diazepam. That’s anxiety at its worst I mean it’s not been at that stage.

Howevever I have spent many nights feeling desperate feeling I’m going mad or felt awful and needed chat rooms to calm down due to the anxiety. Since I had beta blockers I have not been as bad as this though.

In the past I was able to challenge the thoughts and prove they were lies but I have lost this ability? 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Benzo won't solve anything. Sorry! 

I faced some of my tics this week and I had really bad anxiety, it is starting to come down. Anxiety really sucks, but it is what it is. The brain needs to feel anxiety before you get better. You probably know that you need to face withdrawl if you are stopping caffeine, there is no way around comming off caffeine. Compulsions have been your way to handle things, now, it does seems to be that we are not even getting any rush from all of those compulsions, that is why I am calling it a big scam. Your brain is lying to you, atleast one part of it. 

I am personally very thankful of the existence of training, it force you to do activate you and it also gives you relief. If you need a quick-relief because of the anxiety being to awful then go out and activate yourself. I also get really really restless just like you and I think that the feeling of restlessness is the WORST thing with anxiety, not being able to find peace in anything, it's pretty bad. 

But remember that it is either doing the work today or doing it later. 

Edited December 27, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[Guest Phil10]

The issue seems to be so many of these thoughts are false thoughts my head is making up yet I believe these thoughts?

[BigDave]

The thoughts are really believably put forward so you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself Phil. 

I honestly can really understand the suffering you are going through too. Honestly, I am there with you. But the truth is we can fight back. I have spent a number of days this week being scared to go next to a dirty laundry basket because of fear of touching dirty clothes and getting contaminated. Funniest thing is though that most of those contaminants that we are desperately trying to avoid anyway we have probably already been exposed to whether we touch them anyway. In the air, there are millions upon millions of particulates that we breathe in and trying to maintain a perfectly uncontaminated environment I believe is a fools errand. When I touch someone else’s dirty underpants, I feel revolted because it’s dirty washing and it may have poo or urine on it etc. But like people have told you, we have probably been exposed to that already. OCD is just lying to us by telling us we haven’t been. 

I think you and I should try and make a pact to be strong and fight this contamination ghoul together. I think we can do it Phil. Will you join me?

[Guest Phil10]

My ocd continued as the next day I still worried I touched the toilet brush/plunger. The good news is I never showered due to the thought. My other worry which is happening a lot despite my partner taking over doing the laundry I still worry the washing wasn’t cleaned with liquid and powder so i rewash due to the ocd. Even after rewashing I still don’t feel it’s clean so can’t win again the complsuisons failing to work. 

Right now I have better days than others I sometimes put a stop sign in my head to block the thoughts and continue with my day sometimes this is effective and works.

[PolarBear]

Keep doing so. Push yourself to not fo compulsions and get tough with your anxiety.

[Guest Phil10]

My partner left a magazine on the bed when I was changing my clothes so the relief of buying a new iPad never lasted long as she put the magazine back In my drawer next to the iPad. I usually like nothing on the bed when I change the clothes so yet again my partner has caused stress.

Its going to be a bit expensive to keep replacing iPads. I mean the magazine never touched dirty washing but the issue is my relief feeling my rucksack and iPad was clean was short lived.

A lot of it what I have is a mental contamination because stuff becomes dirty on my head 

[Guest Phil10]

The drawer contained my hosue key and Xbox controller but my urge would be to replace the iPad again despite me not using it much since I last used it. The thought is the rucksack with something dirty in it again like the last worry

[gingerbreadgirl]

It isn't fair to blame your partner for any of this - it's not your partner's fault.  The cause of your distress is the fact that you have carried out compulsions, purely and simply. If your stop your compulsions then your distress will go away. 

[PolarBear]

2 hours ago, Phil10 said:

My partner left a magazine on the bed when I was changing my clothes so the relief of buying a new iPad never lasted long as she put the magazine back In my drawer next to the iPad. I usually like nothing on the bed when I change the clothes so yet again my partner has caused stress.

Its going to be a bit expensive to keep replacing iPads. I mean the magazine never touched dirty washing but the issue is my relief feeling my rucksack and iPad was clean was short lived.

A lot of it what I have is a mental contamination because stuff becomes dirty on my head 

Your partner did not 'cause' anything. Why should the world live by your irrational rules? There's nothing wrong with the magazine.

[PolarBear]

1 hour ago, Phil10 said:

The drawer contained my hosue key and Xbox controller but my urge would be to replace the iPad again despite me not using it much since I last used it. The thought is the rucksack with something dirty in it again like the last worry

What do you want us to say, Phil? We give you great advice. You simply come back with another irrational story about contamination and point out compulsions you are contemplating. Round and round you go. This isn't helping you.

[DRFCno1]

Think it’s time to close this thread as it’s the same thing again and again spread over 15 pages now, I’m sure in another 15 pages of advice you will still be repeating the same things and getting nowhere.

[Angst]

The ‘stuff becomes dirty in my head’. You say this about the magazine.

I kind of have two OCDs. The checking OCD. This is about the physical world - a gas ring left on could cause a explosion, I might have accidentally dropped the important letter when posting it so I need to check around the post box. That sort of thing. About things that I might not have done incorrectly.

And the odd idea that pops into my head like I need to walk on the left side of the street or something bad might happen. With these things I do the opposite. I walk on the right side.

It sounds like stuff you have going on in my head is the second type. So I recommend just do the opposite.

Now some might say that the distinction is a false one. But there is a slight possibility that I might have left the gas on or accidentally dropped a letter. But there  is no remote possibility that things in the future could be worse if I walk on the left side. That is why my second type of OCD is called ‘magical thinking’. And why given the remote possibility of harm my first type of OCZ causes more problems.

So my advice is do the opposite.  Actually the same advice for all types of OCD. Do not check, do not buy a new iPad, read the magazine.

The last advice I gave you was to appeal your psychiatrist’s decision not to give you access to NHS therapy. Given your diagnoses I reckon it would be really helpful.

[Guest Phil10]

7 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Your partner did not 'cause' anything. Why should the world live by your irrational rules? There's nothing wrong with the magazine.

The ocd says different and it says I will have a rubbish holiday carrying my iPad around contaminated. It proves that replacing the iPad never helped as another situation has cropped up. I hate these situations as I end up thinking something is forever contaminated and again my ocd is contradictory as there’s other stuff in the drawer but I only feel the urge to replace the iPad. A few months back I wanted to replace the new camera but forgot my reason for it now. I feel the radiator is contaminated after a washing was was left on it whilst some dirty washing came.  

I struggle to challenge it I mean yes the magazine never touched dirty washing but that’s just how my ocd is my head makes up these situations. I appreciate all the help but nothing has helped no therapy no words has been able to get in my head. 

So what can I say there has been times I have not replaced something and times I have. I’ve actually only touched the new iPad 3 times due to fear of getting germs on it. My ocd is very restrictive. People say don’t do complulsions again easier said than done. It’s not as easy as just stopping and like anything perhaps it has to be done gradually. Yes not replacing the iPad may help but it won’t stop me having the thought that it’s spoiled and dirty.

Right now I feel there is no way out of this ocd behaviour.

[PolarBear]

There is a way out, Phil. 

No, we don't expect you to 100% stop your compulsions right now. Hardly anyone ever does. But stop them you must. You must also do some cognitive work and, part way through, do some heavy duty ERP.

It's going to be difficult and it is going to take months and months for it to work. You say therapy doesn't work and words don't work... you are not letting them work. 

Not only do you have a bad case of OCD about contamination, but your OCD mindset has come with you to the forum. I've pointed this out several times now. You keep repeating the same things, over and over. We give you advice, you come back with a further explanation about how you think something is contaminated and what compulsions you are doing or contemplating doing. You rarely acknowledge our advice. You use the forum like a diary, writing out your latest contamination fear and compulsions. Over and over.

You are not the only one but this has to stop. You need to have a heart to heart with yourself about what you hope to accomplish on this forum. What you have been doing for months and months is not working.

There are some real experts on this forum. They're not just blowing smoke. They really, truly know what it takes to get to a better place and how difficult it is. We all volunteer our time. It is sometimes disheartening to see people so stuck that our advice falls on deaf ears. 

If you really want to try and get on the road to recovery, we can help you along the way. If your intent is to keep on going the way you have been, well people are simply going to stop reading your diary. 

A golden rule of OCD recovery is you must change what you are doing. It applies to every type of OCD. Doing the same old thing will only keep you stuck where you are.

Are you ready to change?