False ocd thoughts urge to throw clothes away

[Guest Phil10]

So basically at the moment I have felt very anxious but I accept I can’t keep ordering iron boards and irons. So I am selling some but going to continue to use the FIRST iron and iron board like I have been using all week.

I have been unable to accept the new iron board is clean so I may buy another iron board eventually but I may have to keep using the old one knowing I will have thoughts my clothes are dirty.

Like I say compulsions usually work. In this occasion the complulsions have not helped 

[Caramoole]

Phil, compulsions clearly aren't helping you at all......and they never will other than for perhaps a day or two.

You're also researching looking for an answer, trying to identify things you can relate to.  The answer is that you have OCD and in order to be free from its restrictions means addressing the things you do that are maintaining it, compulsions.  There are 11 pages here going over variations of the same problem.  Time to try and think about changing the plan of how you approach this

Are you getting any help at the moment

[Guest Phil10]

6 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Phil, compulsions clearly aren't helping you at all......and they never will other than for perhaps a day or two.

You're also researching looking for an answer, trying to identify things you can relate to.  The answer is that you have OCD and in order to be free from its restrictions means addressing the things you do that are maintaining it, compulsions.  There are 11 pages here going over variations of the same problem.  Time to try and think about changing the plan of how you approach this

Are you getting any help at the moment

Well the psychiatrist recommended deep breathing on YouTube and exercise and they won’t offer any nhs free therapy. I had paid for 7 private Cbt sessions which involved exposure therapy I said I would wait and see if I can get anything free before continuing so she won’t see me again now so I would have to find another theripst now. 

So yes that’s where I am at I apologise for posting so much but I do not have any help at all my family don’t understand my partner isn’t that supportive and I don’t know where to turn to for help next. 

[Caramoole]

2 minutes ago, Phil10 said:

So yes that’s where I am at I apologise for posting so much

No apology necessary and it's not about posting a lot.  What I'm wanting to do is to try and think about how the things you are doing are maintaining your OCD and what you gradually need to do to try and move forwards with things.  The forum is here for support but hopefully to support you moving forward rather than supporting the compulsions, that's what's going on here a bit and that won't help at all.  Do you have any of the excellent self-help books like Break Free from OCD?  Do you have any notes left from the 7 private sessions?  What work did you do in therapy, what helped at all, what did you struggle with?

[Guest Phil10]

1 minute ago, Caramoole said:

No apology necessary and it's not about posting a lot.  What I'm wanting to do is to try and think about how the things you are doing are maintaining your OCD and what you gradually need to do to try and move forwards with things.  The forum is here for support but hopefully to support you moving forward rather than supporting the compulsions, that's what's going on here a bit and that won't help at all.  Do you have any of the excellent self-help books like Break Free from OCD?  Do you have any notes left from the 7 private sessions?  What work did you do in therapy, what helped at all, what did you struggle with?

Yes I got that book. I also made lots of notes on the therapy I can look back on. She was very good and offered good advice but I wouldn’t take the information in I never felt ready to give up replacing I managed to resist replacing the front door then the next month I would have replaced a lot her feedback was it was very up and down. It was all about writing thoughts down, counting them, delaying response, reducing time I washed my hands. Not much of it sunk in writing down never helped. I got back in touch with her said I need help she is suggested mindfulness and apps. I felt let down I couldn’t see her again but it was £40 a session and I felt a little anxious at the cost of it. 

But yes the book is quite good I have been reading it. 

I struggled with stopping hand washing. Also replacing I would sometimes have a session and think great went well and instantly replace something or wash my hands 

[lostinme]

20 minutes ago, Phil10 said:

So basically at the moment I have felt very anxious but I accept I can’t keep ordering iron boards and irons. So I am selling some but going to continue to use the FIRST iron and iron board like I have been using all week.

I have been unable to accept the new iron board is clean so I may buy another iron board eventually but I may have to keep using the old one knowing I will have thoughts my clothes are dirty.

Like I say compulsions usually work. In this occasion the complulsions have not helped 

The thing is Phil, that quite often one compulsion leads to another because this compulsion no longer works.

EG: First compulsion is to clean the iron and ironing board to make sure it’s clean, this then no longer works so you then go onto buying a new one etc etc until eventually nothing works so it gets to the stage where you then avoid using the iron/ironing board at all. This is how the OCD escalates over time and becomes worse and worse. 

The problem is the more we avoid doing something or using something etc eg: the iron, ironing board the more we place fear around it, the more anxious we feel and the more importance we place on it, the more anxiety it produces  and each time and every time the anxiety just gets worse and worse. 

[Guest Phil10]

5 minutes ago, lostinme said:

The thing is Phil, that quite often one compulsion leads to another because this compulsion no longer works.

EG: First compulsion is to clean the iron and ironing board to make sure it’s clean, this then no longer works so you then go onto buying a new one etc etc until eventually nothing works so it gets to the stage where you then avoid using the iron/ironing board at all. This is how the OCD escalates over time and becomes worse and worse. 

The problem is the more we avoid doing something or using something etc eg: the iron, ironing board the more we place fear around it, the more anxious we feel and the more importance we place on it, the more anxiety it produces  and each time and every time the anxiety just gets worse and worse. 

That is true well the good news is i did continue to use the existing iron board but I ended up buying more and never even using them. Like I say I don’t fear harm from germs I just can’t live with the thoughts because they cause anxiety and it’s a perfectionism ocd where something is “ruined” and I won’t settle until I replace it. Now I mentioned I replaced the camera I did replace this and I felt anxious again with new one but I decided to “stop” at replacing I opted not to buy another. Maybe as it was £300.

However I have not been able to apply this to the irons. I have just bought more and more and more iron boards and now I’m giving them away for free as I feel anxious about every one. Again with towels I replace one and I take another usually after two I say no more and I’m ok. 

Why have I been unable to do this with the iron board? Do you think it’s a price thing because it’s cheaper? Also I fear carrying these germs around with me and feel trapped one of the symptoms I have had with ocd in past few months is feeling trapped. When I went outside with the shoes on that fell on dirty washing I felt my whole world had ended I threw the shoes away in disgust and worried the pavement was “forever germ ridden”. I’m pleased to say those thoughts wore off I threw the shoes away and never thought about it since.

It seems my mind has been looking for ways to stress about dirty laundry. I moved house because of it and also I realise I can’t move again so I try extra hard to avoid dirty washing. I never use to worry about dirty washing as it use to be stored in a cupboard in my parents home also the dirty washing issue was actually tiggered when I use to come in and out the shower and get towels soaking wet and wipe my backside some bits of toilet paper hit the towels so I believed the washing was very dirty I also had a bad experience when I left the wet towels too long and they grew mould so looking back this is the catalyst for my dirty laundry ocd perhaps this may make things easier as people often as me if anything happened in the past this is why I fear it today 

[dksea]

1 hour ago, Phil10 said:

I just can’t live with the thoughts because they cause anxiety and it’s a perfectionism ocd where something is “ruined” and I won’t settle until I replace it.

I know you feel like you can't live with these thoughts, and I understand that they cause you anxiety, but the reality is, and you've proven it already that you CAN settle without replacing things.  You've done it with your door, you do it with things all the time in your life.  You need to reject the idea that you can't live without replacing things. You can, and if you want to get better you must.  Yes, you will feel anxiety, and its certainly not enjoyable, but it will go away WITHOUT replacing anything.

We've offered you the advice you can use to get on the path to recover, its up to you to take it.  No matter how many explanations you offer that won't change.

[PolarBear]

5 hours ago, Phil10 said:

So basically at the moment I have felt very anxious but I accept I can’t keep ordering iron boards and irons. So I am selling some but going to continue to use the FIRST iron and iron board like I have been using all week.

I have been unable to accept the new iron board is clean so I may buy another iron board eventually but I may have to keep using the old one knowing I will have thoughts my clothes are dirty.

Like I say compulsions usually work. In this occasion the complulsions have not helped 

You are absolutely, dead wrong! Your compulsions have NEVER worked.

Do you really think compulsions work when you get a temporary reduction in anxiety, only for it to suddenly come back an hour, a day or a couple of days later because you got another irrational intrusive thought? Do you really qualify that as being a success?

Think about it Phil. Really think about it. You think compulsions solve problems but they actually create more problems. Compulsions lead to more intrusive thoughts, more anxiety, more doubt and more compulsions. It's like the hydra... cut off one head and two more appear.

[nemesis02]

This disorder can and will create instermountable ideas what is very much over exaggerated 

[Caramoole]

10 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Think about it Phil. Really think about it

Honestly Phil, this is what you really must do.......and then, you have to resolve that you must change the way you currently attempt to deal with these fears and doubts.  You can't keep buying more ironing boards, irons, towels.....and Heaven forbid, moving house.  Time to draw a line in the sand and start again.

You said you read Break Free from OCD.  Did you just read it or did you try and do the exercises?  Too often (and I am guilty of this) we read the books, perhaps identify with the material, feel a bit reassured but then don't really make any of the behavioural changes or really look at why we feel as we do.  Just like a diet or wanting to get fit, reading about it or buying a gym membership will change nothing.  Only action and change will do this.

[Guest Phil10]

4 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Honestly Phil, this is what you really must do.......and then, you have to resolve that you must change the way you currently attempt to deal with these fears and doubts.  You can't keep buying more ironing boards, irons, towels.....and Heaven forbid, moving house.  Time to draw a line in the sand and start again.

You said you read Break Free from OCD.  Did you just read it or did you try and do the exercises?  Too often (and I am guilty of this) we read the books, perhaps identify with the material, feel a bit reassured but then don't really make any of the behavioural changes or really look at why we feel as we do.  Just like a diet or wanting to get fit, reading about it or buying a gym membership will change nothing.  Only action and change will do this.

Thanks I will read the book

Dirty washing is my worst nightmare right now. How can I stop constantly thinking of the thoughts they cause me a head tension? Like today I was able to forget the thoughts for a few hours then I became anxious again. I even tried to tell myself I won’t iron clothes for a bit and that doesn’t relax me. You can’t block out the thought so but they are causing me anxiety? How can I fix this? 

[gingerbreadgirl]

8 minutes ago, Phil10 said:

How can I fix this? 

The sad truth is there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix this right now. There is unfortunately no alternative to feeling and enduring the anxiety you're feeling, sometimes for long periods.  But if you decide to face up to the anxiety and ride it out you will feel better eventually. That is the aim here. Not to feel better right now but to feel better eventually. It totally sucks that we have to go through this process and endure the anxiety, it can seem an almost barbaric treatment, and one day there may be another way but right now this is where we're at. You have two choices : 1) carry on doing compulsions, feel a bit better in the short term but gradually slide into a state where ocd consumes  you, or 2) decide to stop playing ocd's game, ride out the anxiety for long periods of time, and eventually feel a lot better. 

Edited November 27, 2018 by gingerbreadgirl

[Guest Phil10]

12 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

The sad truth is there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix this right now. There is unfortunately no alternative to feeling and enduring the anxiety you're feeling, sometimes for long periods.  But if you decide to face up to the anxiety and ride it out you will feel better eventually. That is the aim here. Not to feel better right now but to feel better eventually. It totally sucks that we have to go through this process and endure the anxiety, it can seem an almost barbaric treatment, and one day there may be another way but right now this is where we're at. You have two choices : 1) carry on doing compulsions, feel a bit better in the short term but gradually slide into a state where ocd consumes  you, or 2) decide to stop playing ocd's game, ride out the anxiety for long periods of time, and eventually feel a lot better. 

So your advice is ride the anxiety out and maybe keep the old iron board? I think it’s the anxiety bit that sucks most but I don’t think I’ve felt this ill with it before. The front door issue I was quite stressed but it did get better. Is distraction best? I seem to be searching for answers too often and not getting anywhere perhaps this is keeping me in the cycle? 

[Guest Phil10]

I am returning and selling some of the irons I have and the iron board so going back to just the one iron and iron board I had before. In my head I still plan to buy another but I’m delaying it right now as the ocd is too strong. Delaying might stop me actually buying one anyway. 

[Guest Phil10]

A new symptom I have felt tonight is feeling quite depressed as I have a lot going on

[dksea]

5 hours ago, Phil10 said:

So your advice is ride the anxiety out and maybe keep the old iron board? I think it’s the anxiety bit that sucks most but I don’t think I’ve felt this ill with it before. The front door issue I was quite stressed but it did get better. Is distraction best? I seem to be searching for answers too often and not getting anywhere perhaps this is keeping me in the cycle? 

Yes, riding out the anxiety is really the only way forward.  You can speak with your doctor about medication to possibly help reduce/manage anxiety to a degree, but it won't be a permanent fix.  It's also, unfortunately, not surprising that things feel worse now than before as engaging in the compulsions means the anxiety has become more and more entrenched.  But if you change your approach as has been suggested, things should begin to improve over time.  Its definitely a good idea to find things to do rather than just sit around and ruminate on your intrusive thoughts.  Working, hobbies, exercise, etc. can all help keep your mind focused on other things.  But remember you will still get the intrusive thoughts, at least at first, thats expected as part of this process too.  You can notice them, acknowledge that they are just there because of OCD and refocus on whatever you were doing/want to be doing. It will take practice, at first you will probably find yourself ruminating again, without even thinking  about it.  When you do, gently redirect your attention back to whatever you were doing and keep going.  With time you'll get better and better and ruminate less and less.

Its very common and natural to seek answers to our problems, and OCD just amplifies this trait, but there is no quick answer to OCD, the answer is the ones we have given you, using CBT with time and patience.  Medication may also help, but you'll still have to do the work, it just might make it easier.  I recommend you talk to your doctor, find a CBT qualified therapist and make a plan to move forward.

[Guest Phil10]

Yes like right now I had thoughts the new irons were dirty too so that’s why I’m taking them back and I never washed my hands when I opened a window so a thought popped into my head “maybe I touched dirty washing”.

Is there any reason why the theme of my ocd is only on dirty washing right now? Why are most of these thoughts made up?

And yes I said before the doctor refused me CBT told me try YouTube and the private theripst I was seeing won’t see me anymore as I said I was going to look at the nhs route. So that leaves me with no help only option is another expensive private theripst and the hassle of finding one.

[Guest Phil10]

I managed to do a list of over 10 false thoughts ive had in the past month and only around 2 thoughts from situations were there may have been actual germs. So it seems the majority are made up situations in my mind

[PolarBear]

They are ALL made up, Phil. They are all a lie. OCD has never told the truth ever, to anyone.

Edited November 28, 2018 by PolarBear

[Guest Phil10]

25 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

They are ALL made up, Phil. They are all a lie. OCD has never told the truth ever, to anyone.

What can I do when they make me feel ill and I worry all day about these thoughts?

[gingerbreadgirl]

This is the case with all ocd sufferers Phil  the anxiety is horrible but it can't hurt you. The only way out of this is through it. 

[Guest Phil10]

3 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

This is the case with all ocd sufferers Phil  the anxiety is horrible but it can't hurt you. The only way out of this is through it. 

Is it normal to feel so physically ill? I don’t think I have felt this bad If I have not for a while. Like I feel a constant tension and worry for these thoughts and want to lie on bed? Is this the anxiety? 

[dksea]

2 hours ago, Phil10 said:

Is it normal to feel so physically ill? I don’t think I have felt this bad If I have not for a while. Like I feel a constant tension and worry for these thoughts and want to lie on bed? Is this the anxiety? 

Thats anxiety indeed.  Try your best to stay active in some way or another and not give in to the "lie in bed all day" feeling.  Thats the "flight" part of the primitive "fight or flight" response that out bodies default to in times of anxiety and fear.  Like any compulsive behavior it provides temporary relief but you end up feeling worse in the long run.  That doesn't mean you have to go run a marathon but even if its something as simple as getting up and out of bed, taking a shower, getting something to eat and watching tv for a bit, its better than just lying in bed.  Hang in there, it does get better.

[dksea]

15 hours ago, Phil10 said:

Is there any reason why the theme of my ocd is only on dirty washing right now? Why are most of these thoughts made up?

Its understandable to ask this question, many of us wonder why our OCD picks a particular thought, but as someone who has had a few different OCD themes over the years I can tell you it doesn't really matter much what the anxiety is, deep down it all feels the same.  You might tell yourself "oh if only i was worried about A and not B, then it would be easier" but you'll find if/when you start worrying about A, then A becomes the worst thing and B doesn't seem as bad.  Whatever you are suffering with now is the thing you wish you weren't worried about is all.  As to why it picks one particular topic, the reality is we just don't know.  It may be there is an underlying anxiety about that topic tahat you already have.  It may be that thought just happened by at the wrong time through your brain and got latched on to by the OCD.  In terms of recovery, the "why" isn't really that important in most cases, the important part is to do the steps needed for recovery.