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Phil10

False ocd thoughts urge to throw clothes away

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8 hours ago, PolarBear said:

There is a way out, Phil. 

No, we don't expect you to 100% stop your compulsions right now. Hardly anyone ever does. But stop them you must. You must also do some cognitive work and, part way through, do some heavy duty ERP.

It's going to be difficult and it is going to take months and months for it to work. You say therapy doesn't work and words don't work... you are not letting them work. 

Not only do you have a bad case of OCD about contamination, but your OCD mindset has come with you to the forum. I've pointed this out several times now. You keep repeating the same things, over and over. We give you advice, you come back with a further explanation about how you think something is contaminated and what compulsions you are doing or contemplating doing. You rarely acknowledge our advice. You use the forum like a diary, writing out your latest contamination fear and compulsions. Over and over.

You are not the only one but this has to stop. You need to have a heart to heart with yourself about what you hope to accomplish on this forum. What you have been doing for months and months is not working.

There are some real experts on this forum. They're not just blowing smoke. They really, truly know what it takes to get to a better place and how difficult it is. We all volunteer our time. It is sometimes disheartening to see people so stuck that our advice falls on deaf ears. 

If you really want to try and get on the road to recovery, we can help you along the way. If your intent is to keep on going the way you have been, well people are simply going to stop reading your diary. 

A golden rule of OCD recovery is you must change what you are doing. It applies to every type of OCD. Doing the same old thing will only keep you stuck where you are.

Are you ready to change?

:goodpost:

I think you really need to stop and digest what PB is saying here. 

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10 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

:goodpost:

I think you really need to stop and digest what PB is saying here. 

Well it may seem like a diary but it’s because I feel genuinely anxious and need advice.

Problem is I can’t take the information in And not much can change my mind set all I can see is me going on holiday feeling the iPad and rucksack is ruined again or the radiator being dirty. People suggested live with the idea its dirty but I don’t like that idea as that just makes me want to replace. I’m unable to challenge the thoughts like the magazine never touched dirty washing but I can’t digest that my ocd has set rules. If I was able to say right it never touched dirty washing it would make things a bit easier

 

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Nobody doubts your anxiety is very real, Phil.  We all experience the same.  We are all OCD sufferers, here.  You really are no different. 

The key isn't to change your feelings.  It's to change your behaviour in spite of your feelings.  

You say you can't take the information in - you can take it in if you choose to.  At the moment I fear you are choosing not to.  I think you just glance at posts and immediately think "I can't do that, I am too anxious about XYZ".  At some point you need to decide enough is enough. 

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1 hour ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Nobody doubts your anxiety is very real, Phil.  We all experience the same.  We are all OCD sufferers, here.  You really are no different. 

The key isn't to change your feelings.  It's to change your behaviour in spite of your feelings.  

You say you can't take the information in - you can take it in if you choose to.  At the moment I fear you are choosing not to.  I think you just glance at posts and immediately think "I can't do that, I am too anxious about XYZ".  At some point you need to decide enough is enough. 

I want to not believe stuff is contaminated that would help. However I can’t stop the thougtw they over take me sometimes I can see myself wanting to take another towel saying no three times then giving in. Then if I have a good day followed by a bad day for my ocd it sets me back again. The reason I’m in a loop as anything I have been told I try and it could work or maybe it doesn’t work so I just give in and keep suffering. If money was unlimited I would keep buying new iPads like buying sweets when I feel it’s dirty have another and another and same with Iron boards. A world of compulsions but atleast disposing off it each time gives relief it would leave alot of wasted iPads but the reality is money soon runs out buying stuff you already own :/ even if I don’t replace sometimes I just don’t use it like the new iPad since the event I just haven’t felt like using it. I have some Xmas cards and travel books out in my room I probably don’t feel like using them either due to ocd. It’s a little worse though as the magazine was on the same bed as the washing I took off. 

I mean at the time I never choose to remove the magazine from the bed so the danger from the ocd actually came after it obviously it never bothered me at first that said I never expected the magazine to go back in the drawer. I have extra ocd around my technology stuff compared to other stuff. 

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A similar situation has occurred again when I did a compulsion to change my socks a few weeks back I refused to buy anything in the shops and worriee the stuff I touched was dirty.

Today I did the compulsion again it changing my socks but my watch was on so now I refuse to wear it. My ocd is so bad that like the shoes I won’t buy the “exact” same pair in fear I’ve been tricked into having the old pair again so I can’t even rebut exact same watch. But my financies are low at the moment so I won’t even afford to replace instead I wear an old watch and wear old shoes. 

I realised some weeks ago the compulsions were not helping as I found myself forced into another compulsion it avoidance as my ocd is so bad. Not much can help here the watch will be binned and I will buy another but it’s an Inconvinence really my head says if I wore it I would contaminate everyone else and I would refuse to hoover. I already refuse to iron clothes since I took three irons back and two iron boards and only iron my work clothes now. 

It sucks how ocd can be so bad avoiding or replacing. 2019 may be another expensive year having to replace stuff but at the moment I can’t even afford to replace.

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Phil, at some point you need to stop coming up with excuses and wishing that things were different. Compulsions don't work. You won't change your mindset overnight. There's no easy way out.

Stop using the forum as a diary. You say that you use the forum when you feel genuinely anxious and need advice - what I've learned is that the advice is always the same: don't perform compulsions and sit with the anxiety until it decreases (by at least half). Tell yourself that there's nothing wrong with contamination. It's a leap of faith, and you need to take it.

It sounds like the moment you experience anxiety, you perform compulsions to get rid of them. At some point you need to realise that the only way to get better is to power through the anxiety and resist your compulsions. Until you start doing that, you won't get better.

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23 minutes ago, Phil10 said:

 I did a compulsion 

 

23 minutes ago, Phil10 said:

I did the compulsion again

 

23 minutes ago, Phil10 said:

I found myself forced into another compulsion

 

23 minutes ago, Phil10 said:

the watch will be binned and I will buy another

 

23 minutes ago, Phil10 said:

I already refuse to iron clothes

 

23 minutes ago, Phil10 said:

I took three irons back and two iron boards

 

23 minutes ago, Phil10 said:

only iron my work clothes now. 

 

23 minutes ago, Phil10 said:

2019 may be another expensive year having to replace stuff 

 

I have quoted the above because you refer to at least 8 separate compulsions in only one post, and each post is like this across over 16 pages.

You do compulsion after compulsion after compulsion and then wonder why you feel so bad.

Phil - one thing you must get your head round is that  every single compulsion you do is a choice you make.

OCD does not make you.  Anxiety does not make you.  You make all your own choices.  You choose to perform dozens and dozens of compulsions every day, probably some you don't even realise, and that alone is why you are in your current situation. 

Harsh, maybe, but true - and time to take responsibility.  2019 is a new year.  Why not make it a better one. 

Edited by gingerbreadgirl

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Well it’s not easy to stop doing the compulsions I mean at best it would be a couple less than I want to do really im never going to go from 10-0. But the issue I said is if I have day where I do 3 less compulsions I find the day after I do 3 or 5/6 times more and it gets worse. I know they say things get worse before they get better but my ocd has been getting worse for months. Say I have a good day doing less compulsions I must be doing something wrong if the following day my condition is worse?

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Also I’ve become a bit stuck as doing the compulsions have failed like buying new irons never worked as I felt they were dirty again. 

People may say well that’s great you have won but I’ve not as I still feel the only way I can have relief is to buy a new iron board but I stop myself as I know I will only take them back.

So basically I’m stuck if I don’t do the compulsion people say I have won but I’ve not as I have all the anxiety about the item I feel contaminated and I ponder how I can replace it?

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5 minutes ago, Phil10 said:

Well it’s not easy to stop doing the compulsions 

no it's not easy, it's difficult - nobody said it's easy

5 minutes ago, Phil10 said:

 im never going to go from 10-0. 

no one is expecting you to

5 minutes ago, Phil10 said:

 if I have day where I do 3 less compulsions I find the day after I do 3 or 5/6 times more and it gets worse.

you can't just reduce your compulsions for a day and then expect it to be better the next day.  You have to work at reducing and stopping your compulsions day after day, maybe for weeks, maybe for months.  it is not a sprint, it's a marathon, a flipping long marathon, and we all have to go through this. 

 

5 minutes ago, Phil10 said:

Say I have a good day doing less compulsions I must be doing something wrong if the following day my condition is worse?

It's not about what happens one day to the next, but a general trend over a long time.  You have to work at not doing compulsions over and over and over again before you see any improvement. 

 

5 minutes ago, Phil10 said:

my ocd has been getting worse for months. 

it's been getting worse for months because you have been doing compulsions for months. 

Edited by gingerbreadgirl

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Just now, Phil10 said:

I don’t do the compulsion people say I have won but I’ve not as I have all the anxiety 

you will have anxiety when you don't do compulsions.  Stopping compulsions is HARD. It's about the long game.  if you stop your compulsions you will feel better eventually, not right now. So yes you have won if you don't do a compulsion - you just won't feel the benefit for a while yet. 

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1 minute ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

no it's not, it's difficult - nobody said it's easy

no one is expecting you to

you can't just reduce your compulsions for a day and then expect it to be better the next day.  You have to work at reducing and stopping your compulsions day after day, maybe for weeks, maybe for months.  it is not a sprint, it's a marathon, a flipping long marathon, and we all have to go through this. 

 

It's not about what happens one day to the next, but a general trend over a long time.  You have to work at not doing compulsions over and over and over again before you see any improvement. 

 

it's been getting worse for months because you have been doing compulsions for months. 

I believe it’s getting worse as I can’t afford to move house and I can’t afford to replace items so I have a greater pressure to feel clean. 

And yes I get that I have to reduce the compulsions but nobody can stop me buying a new watch? And the ocd about a product being the same colour or brand so there is two ocd situations there nobody can change my mind set to that?

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1 minute ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

you will have anxiety when you don't do compulsions.  Stopping compulsions is HARD. It's about the long game.  if you stop your compulsions you will feel better eventually, not right now. So yes you have won if you don't do a compulsion - you just won't feel the benefit for a while yet. 

Yes but the reason I would stop doing the compulsion is because if for example like today I change a sock as I believe it’s dirty and find I want to reshower and throw my watch away I have to sit back and say it’s failed. I wouldn’t be stopping doing the compulsion by choice it’s sort of forced knowing if I do that compulsion it will only make my life worse. And then I question it and say why was I able to get relief from changing the sock a week ago but today all this anxiety. 

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I have replaced the watch even though I can’t afford it. I have opted against replacing the iPad at the moment as it would cost hundreds and perhaps it would be irrational.

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1 hour ago, Phil10 said:

nobody can stop me buying a new watch?

You're wrong. You can stop yourself buying a watch. In fact, only you can.

I'm not sure you understand - yes, compulsions are hard to resist, but it's not impossible. It's up to you to do it. I don't understand why you keep posting you compulsions and saying they don't work - that's what we've been trying to tell you!

Just now, Phil10 said:

I have replaced the watch even though I can’t afford it. I have opted against replacing the iPad at the moment as it would cost hundreds and perhaps it would be irrational.

All of this is completely irrational. No 'perhaps' about it.

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Just now, bobfish said:

You're wrong. You can stop yourself buying a watch. In fact, only you can.

I'm not sure you understand - yes, compulsions are hard to resist, but it's not impossible. It's up to you to do it. I don't understand why you keep posting you compulsions and saying they don't work - that's what we've been trying to tell you!

All of this is completely irrational. No 'perhaps' about it.

Yes but the compulsions use to work for

me and sometimes they still work. My solution when they are failing is to keep doing them until they work that’s the only way I know.

i said before if I never had a fear of dirty laundry I would be fine wouldn’t I? But I do I fear dirty laundry like someone worries they never locked there door. Strange thing is I get those thoughts sometimes and can ignore them so part of me isn’t ocd it’s very focused on small issues..

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I touched the watch in question then worried my old watch could get dirty in some way too. Can’t win I’m going to try and let the watch go selling or free to good home to avoid binning it. 

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2 hours ago, Phil10 said:

Well it’s not easy to stop doing the compulsions I mean at best it would be a couple less than I want to do really im never going to go from 10-0. But the issue I said is if I have day where I do 3 less compulsions I find the day after I do 3 or 5/6 times more and it gets worse. I know they say things get worse before they get better but my ocd has been getting worse for months. Say I have a good day doing less compulsions I must be doing something wrong if the following day my condition is worse?

Not true. Recovery is not linear. It's a rocky road full of twists and turns. You will have good days and bad days. So long as you keep trying, you will get to a better place.

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I worried the washing wasn’t clean again tonight and I rewashed and still wasn’t satisifed I let my partner take over doing washings due to my ocd some months ago as I ended up washing clothes upto 4 cycles. I’m going to have to keep faith in my partner and let her control the washing as I don’t feel I’m able to. I’m at a stage where I worry over and over the washing isn’t clean and my electricity bill could rise if I keep going on that cycle. 

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40 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Not true. Recovery is not linear. It's a rocky road full of twists and turns. You will have good days and bad days. So long as you keep trying, you will get to a better place.

I had urges to throw my hoover away today but resisted it but I feel it’s a struggle as my ocd has never been this bad before 

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1 hour ago, Phil10 said:

I had urges to throw my hoover away today but resisted it but I feel it’s a struggle as my ocd has never been this bad before 

Not throwing the hoover away is a win, Phil. Now you need more wins. Not washing the washing a second time would have been a win too. Onward and upward. Resist those compulsions. You won't always be able to, but take a minute when you want to do something like that and tell yourself it's not necessary and, oh, maybe I'll do it later. Then get on with your day, doing something else.

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Just now, PolarBear said:

Not throwing the hoover away is a win, Phil. Now you need more wins. Not washing the washing a second time would have been a win too. Onward and upward. Resist those compulsions. You won't always be able to, but take a minute when you want to do something like that and tell yourself it's not necessary and, oh, maybe I'll do it later. Then get on with your day, doing something else.

Thanks in the end I did the wash 3 times and still wasn’t nice happy I’m going to have to let it go it’s like hand washing somtimes I use to wash for 10 mins and I eventually have to stop and say it will never feel right will it?

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As I've said many times before, compulsions don't work. Sure, sometimes you get temporary relief, but it is only temporary. Soon enough another intrusive thought, another imaginary crisis, pops up and you're back to doing more compulsions. How can anyone say that compulsions work when, in the end, you just keep doing them over and over? That's one thing for you to consider.

The second, again this is old news, is that compulsions make your situation worse. They actually make your overall situation worse than what it is. You've been complaining lately that your OCD is getting more severe than it used to be. There is one reason for that: because you are doing more compulsions now than you did before. OCD brains are broken, in some way that we can't readily define. You do compulsions in response to obsessions. When you do compulsions, it's like that broken brain part says, "Wow, he really paid attention to that thought I sent out. He thinks it's important. I'll send out more of those thoughts in the future!" Do you see? So you get more thoughts about contamination, and that causes you to want to do more compulsions. And not only do you go round and round, but it's more severe... the thoughts seem more real, more dangerous. The compulsions seem to help less and less. You not only go round and round, but you go round in a downward spiral. Just when you think things can't possibly get any worse, OCD shows you they can.

This is the reality of OCD, Phil. And it all hinges on two things: your believing the obsessions (intrusive thoughts) are true and therefore in need of fixing, and your doing compulsions to try and fix the situation. You have absolutely NO proof that there are germs on your iron, ironing board, iPad, watch, bed, towel, etc, beyond the average, everyday germs that are on every surface everywhere. None. That broken part of your brain tells you there is nasty, bad germs on these things, but you have no proof. And you have a choice. For a very long time now, you have chosen to believe the thoughts and that makes doing compulsions seem like the right thing to do. But, you can choose differently. You can choose to see that all those thousands upon thousands of thoughts you've had about contamination were all a lie. They were fake. They were a mirage created by your brain. And they can be dismissed. You can do nothing about them and nothing bad will happen. Sure, your anxiety will go up because that broken part of your brain is going to be screaming at you that there is danger and you MUST do something, but it's just more of the same.

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With the washings after about 4 wash times and another wash got done once and I gave up worrying 

Then im back to the iPad issue I have the urge to buy yet another iPad how can I resist the urge? 

Today I have felt like moping in the house feeling sorry for myself with the ocd. I feel like using my holiday fund and cancelling holidays buying another iPad to cure my worry. I feel if I go on holiday and use the iPad I may believe the bag is contaminated again and feel awful waking around the tourist attractions so can’t win. 

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