Depression worsening - comparing and despairing

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

Hi all,

Hope you're all doing well. Things are still really rough with me but I'm getting better with the ocd albeit at a frustratingly slow pace.

I've just found out that my ex-partner, who I thought was my "lobster" and who I was talking marriage with, is dating someone new and that's why he hasn't been in touch this past month. We broke up because I had the ocd breakdown and I thought it was more of a break than an actual break-up, whilst i got better, as I couldn't be around him due to the ocd thoughts of being contaminated with hiv or herpes from anyone and everyone.

It was an amicable break-up and we said we'd stay friends- and I've really needed a friend. But he hasn't been in contact for a month so I contacted him and he told me that he was seeing someone new and out of respect for her feelings, couldn't be in contact with me, his so-called best friend, who has been really ill.

I've been devastated by his cruelty, to say the least. If it was a normal break-up, i would understand, but a really ill ex who lives 50 miles away?? How is that a threat to a new partner?! How hard is it to send a couple of texts a week to your so-called soul mate in a friendly capacity to see how they were doing?! I would never treat anyone so abysmally, let alone someone I loved!

I'm slowly getting better but am still in a bad place with the ocd. Still living at home and my parents are my carers. Very little social interaction. No career, nothing to distract me from the hell of ocd. I'm making baby steps with my therapist but it's going to be a long journey. I just want my old life back.

I know that i shouldn't, but I'm going on social media and comparing and despairing how previous partners and friends are doing. The thought of one ex in particular is tormenting me as he's got everything - really good job, gorgeous wife and kids. We don't keep in touch, I found his Facebook profile.

I'm also comparing myself to the people who I did my PhD with - how well their careers are going, the exciting things they're doing, whilst I'm stuck in the ****-end of nowhere with my pensioner parents who I'm having an increasingly fractious relationship with as they don't understand anything about how I'm feeling. I feel hopeless, lost and very depressed.

My friends all live 5 hours train ride away and are so busy with their own lives - careers, new babies etc. It's killing me that i can't have kids and that I've lost my career due to my ocd. I'm finding it very hard to have such a life-limiting lifelong condition - yes, it can be manageable, but given the number of breakdowns I've had over the past few years, it just feels like the future is going to be one of pain and suffering.

I'm trying to distract myself but everything I do backfires. I pulled a muscle in my back exercising and I went to the cinema to see a star is born yesterday- I haven't stopped crying since. If you've seen it, you'll know why, I won't give any spoilers. 

I'm feel so lonely and down. Any advice? I'm seeing a professional therapist weekly doing ERP with her and am stabilised on meds through my CMHT.

Thanks for your help xxx

[taurean]

You need to stop the comparing and despairing. 

Remember the golden rule - carrying out any kind of compulsion only strengthens OCD, and makes the resultant Disorder worse. 

So other people have done well in life, not met the problems we have. Lucky them - life presents many challenges, including with illness and relationships. 

But we need to concentrate on ourselves, and how we can go about improving our tackling of our OCD, and our depression response. 

Making small forward steps, having some small successes, is the way forward. 

Learning some relaxation and mindfulness skills, and noting when we are carrying out any compulsions, stopping and refocusing away will help. 

Re your former partner, so be it. It can be very tough in a relationship with someone with OCD and not everyone can cope with it or be willing to continue with it. 

That's a fact of life - and as with all things about OCD, it's better for us to accept the things we cannot change. 

Hope this helps. 

Edited October 4, 2018 by taurean

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

Hi taurean,

Thanks for your response and helpful words. You're right that the comparing has become an obsession and that I need to stop my checking compulsions to overcome it. I also need to stop comparing myself to people who don't have ocd - for all I know, they could be struggling with a MH issue or physical illness. Social media lies.

I'm more upset with my ex because he too has struggled with ocd, albeit a milder form than I've got. I thought he understood and believed him when he said he would always be there for me. As the TV series doctor House said: "People lie". Still hurts very deeply, though.

Hopefully my pulled muscle will ease up and I can get back exercising and can do some yoga and mindfulness in the meantime.

Any advice on how to cope with family dynamics when one person is ill and the others can't cope? We're at each other's throats the whole time, a lot of spiteful and destructive things are being said, which isn't helping any of us. There's no professional help and my parents won't read my cbt books on how to cope with stress and change their own thinking patterns, nor will they seek professional help for themselves. All the onus is being put on me to get better asap, which is a lot of pressure and is more difficult for an anxiety disorder when the atmosphere is so emotionally charged and explosive all the time.

Any ideas? Cheers xx 

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

Also, the feeling of being a burden on my parents is really hard. They don't even try and hide their resentment that I'm/my being ill is ruining their retirement. Last night, my dad called me a deadweight around their necks. That really hurt - he said it to my mum, not to my face, but I overheard. 

I'm staying away from them as much as possible/creating as much space between us as possible but I've already had an argument with my mother today. I can't go on like this anymore.

I feel like hanging myself with a note saying "now I'm a real deadweight" out of spite. I have nobody to support me during this illness. I can't take anymore. The professionals are useless. There's no help.

Can anyone advise? Thanks xx

[taurean]

Well there is help here as we understand. 

It isn't possible for others, or ourselves, to set a deadline for recovery from OCD. We are all different, with different manifestations of it combined with other circumstances, such as your family difficulties. 

There is lots of material on the main OCD-UK website to help sufferers, including downloadable sensible practical information to help friends and family understand. Don't feel anger towards your folks meanwhile. 

Do look there, it's a treasure trove of help. 

But, whatever, put yourself first right now - don't feel any guilt for how the illness is affecting others. Around 1% of the population have OCD significant enough to affect their daily lives. None of us are responsible for having it, and we should not feel any guilt that we do. 

See if you can mentally shut-out what is going on around you at home and focus on what you can do to challenge your OCD; ease away from believing and/or connecting with it, ease away from responding by carrying out compulsions, face it out through structured sessions of ERP. 

Hope this helps 

Roy 

Edited October 5, 2018 by taurean

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

Hi Roy,

Thanks for your response. I'm so glad that this forum exists and that fellow ocd sufferers can help each other. It's a great comfort to know that there's people around who understand.

I do feel angry towards my parents - I've directed them to all sorts of reading material, have tried to inform them myself etc but they're just not interested. It's very upsetting. I feel like if i had cancer or some physical illness that they'd be doing all the research into cures etc that they could- I would if it were my child. Yet mental illness? I'm on my own.

The only way I can get space is by being alone in my room and doing my ERP on my own with no support except for the once-weekly session with my therapist. At least I'm learning to be more resilient and self-sufficient re my ocd. It's just very painful and lonely.

Thank you for your help and support - it means a lot.

TiN xx

[Lost_in_a_Dark_Maze]

I'm so sorry, what an awful thing for your dad to say and for you to hear. I really feel for you. 

I know what it's like to feel a burden. I live with my mum (my dad is in a nursing home) who has a lot of health problems, and we argue a lot. She has said a lot of hurtful things. It's hard not to feel angry.

[gingerbreadgirl]

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds like an awful situation - stay strong, and be kind to yourself.  One day this will pass.  Sending you hugs xx

[BelAnna]

Hi Thisisnot,

That's really **** of your ex to start a new relationship so soon after your split, especially when it seemed like more of a break than a split and when he'd previously said that he thought you were soulmates. Anyone would feel awful in your position- it's a horrible place to be in.

You've done amazingly to keep up with therapy and to make sure that you've got the right medication. You can go back to living life again and building your career back up but just need to focus on your health first.

I completely understand how frustrating that is as I'm in a very similar position in terms of having moved back to live with parents, being too ill to work, socialise or have a relationship, being constantly faced with seeing friends on facebook posting marriages/babies/career achievements whilst stuck in this situation and just feeling completely stuck. 

Keep going with therapy for now. Are you able to join any local clubs (e.g. running/singing) or are you not well enough just now? That may be one way to make contact with people who live closer and whom you can see more regularly than your other friends. 

Thinking of you and I hope you have a reasonable weekend. 

 

 

Edited October 6, 2018 by BelAnna

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

20 hours ago, Lost_in_a_Dark_Maze said:

I'm so sorry, what an awful thing for your dad to say and for you to hear. I really feel for you. 

I know what it's like to feel a burden. I live with my mum (my dad is in a nursing home) who has a lot of health problems, and we argue a lot. She has said a lot of hurtful things. It's hard not to feel angry.

Hi Lost,

Sorry to hear about your situation. It's so hard when you argue with the people you love most in the world - it hurts the most.

Feeling like being a burden is horrible too. I guess we just have to accept that we didn't choose to have ocd, this illness chose us and we just have to deal with it the best we can.

Hope that you can have a good weekend and not fight with your mum. Look after each other, even when you want to rip each other's throats out - that's what i keep telling myself. We only have limited time with them on this planet. 

It all comes out of frustration re the situation. I try to see it from my parents' point of view, hard as it is. They do try their best, but it's a really hard illness to cope with as a carer and there's no professional help for them.

Thinking of you xx

Edited October 6, 2018 by ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

19 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds like an awful situation - stay strong, and be kind to yourself.  One day this will pass.  Sending you hugs xx

Thank you. Sending you hugs back. Hope that you're managing your ocd and keeping well xx

[ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime]

4 hours ago, BelAnna said:

Hi Thisisnot,

That's really **** of your ex to start a new relationship so soon after your split, especially when it seemed like more of a break than a split and when he'd previously said that he thought you were soulmates. Anyone would feel awful in your position- it's a horrible place to be in.

You've done amazingly to keep up with therapy and to make sure that you've got the right medication. You can go back to living life again and building your career back up but just need to focus on your health first.

I completely understand how frustrating that is as I'm in a very similar position in terms of having moved back to live with parents, being too ill to work, socialise or have a relationship, being constantly faced with seeing friends on facebook posting marriages/babies/career achievements whilst stuck in this situation and just feeling completely stuck. 

Keep going with therapy for now. Are you able to join any local clubs (e.g. running/singing) or are you not well enough just now? That may be one way to make contact with people who live closer and whom you can see more regularly than your other friends. 

Thinking of you and I hope you have a reasonable weekend. 

 

 

Hi there,

I'm so sorry that you're struggling too and in a similar situation - it's so hard when you feel stuck and like you're going nowhere. I completely empathise with you. But it has to get better, mustn't it?? With therapy and time, things must improve.

I'm trying to forget about the ex - every time I think of him, it triggers my ocd fears about herpes and sends me into a panic, so I'm just distracting as much as possible. 

Thank you for your supportive comments- I'm not well enough yet to join clubs etc as am still finding it hard to leave the house and be around other people re contamination fears, but I'm working on it by doing small steps for ERP every day.

We just have to believe that we will get well again, we do have a future, and that soon we'll be posting pics on Facebook that'll make others compare and despair!! Only joking, I wouldn't wish harm on any innocent person.

Hope that you too have a bearable weekend and that you look after yourself xx